April 2015 – The Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 4/20/2015 at 11:46 AM

London: World Renowned Recording Artist Roger Waters, in an angrily worded open letter in today’s Issue of the Guardian, demanded that Israel stop naming new neighborhoods in Judea and Samaria after Pink Floyd songs and lyrics. “From Kiryat Dark Side of the Moon to Kfar Crazy Diamond, this crime against humanity has to stop right now. “, the renowned recording artist and freelance jerk opined in today’s Guardian. Mr. Waters continued “If this does not stop immediately, I will hector various artists into not appearing in Israel and creepily troll Bar Rafaeli in my concerts.” When asked what would happen if Israel complied with his demands, Mr. Rogers indicated that in this case he would…. hector various artists into not appearing in Israel and creepily troll Bar Rafaeli in his concerts. Residents of Ma’ale Comfortably Numb seemed unfazed by the ruckus. Local handyman Shlomo K, stated “Roger Waters? Didn’t he used to be in a group with Syd Barrett?”

When reached for comment, Jerusalem Municipality spokesperson Dov L. appeared conciliatory, “We respect Mr. Waters’ opinion and welcome all outside advice on this difficult issue vis-à-vis the Israeli- Palestinian conflict. Hopefully, these outside voices can help bring us and our neighbors closer together……I mean, it’s like we’re two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl. Year after year. Running over the same old ground. What have we found? The same old fears.”

When asked if the Government had a message for Mr. Waters, Dov simply said “Wish you were here”.

(Photo Credit: AP)

By The Daily FreierKERRY Staff

Last Updated 4/5/2015 at 10:46 AM

Lausanne: On the heels of the Secretary of State’s historic breakthrough in talks with the Iranians, the Daily Freier has decided to change its name to “The Daily Kerry”. Editor in Chief Aharon Ben Yekutiel explained the Board’s decision: “After this amazing event, the world should know that when you think of ‘The Freier’, you should think of Mr. Kerry. We are but a tiny newsblog, so it is an honor that ‘Freier’ and ‘Kerry’ become synonymous.” At first, the Editorial Board admits that it had doubts about the talks. According to Middle East Correspondent Harun Hakimoğlu, “To be truthful, we were skepical that anything could really be accomplished by a man who once lost a Presidential election to a guy who did not have a complete command of the English language and who once fell off a Segway. But he really went the extra mile to ensure that we have Peace in Our Time.” Harun continued; “We were really concerned that the talks would break down over President Obama’s previous insistence that the Iranian military facility in Natanz be closed, and by the President’s insistence on the dismantling of the centrifuges. But fortunately, that position proved to be in the same category as the Red Line against Syrian chemical weapons, ‘If you like your doctor you can keep him’, and #Bringbackourgirls. So there was some, you know, flexibility.” The Editorial Staff even presented the new name change to Secretary of State Kerry for his approval. According to State Department Spokeswoman Marie Harf, Mr. Kerry actually voted for the new name before he voted against it.