Narrator: Welcome to Episode 3 of “Linda Sarsour, Time Traveler.” When last we saw our heroine, she had traveled back to the 20th Century in order to inform Golda Meir and Hanna Szenes that they were not really feminists. Now, our Intrepid Linda of Brooklyn has traveled back to Judea in the time of the Roman Occupation in order to inform Jesus that he’s really Palestinian. We catch up with them in Nazareth, north of the Jezreel Valley.
Linda (cheerfully): A salaam aleikum, Brother Issa!
Jesus of Nazareth: Hello my child, you appear to speak the language of Ishmael’s sons, many days journey into the desert beyond Edom. It is a language I do not understand. I speak Aramaic….. a bit of Thai I picked up when I was backpacking…..and Hebrew. You know, the language spoken by Jews like me…..who live in….. wait for it….. Judea.
Jesus: I am sorry, my child?
Linda: Palestine! You’re Palestinian! Hellooooo!
Jesus: Daughter of Ishmael, the Philistines disappeared from this land around the Year 600 Before….ummm….600 Years Before….ummm……Me.
Jesus: So, Like NOBODY uses that term anymore. Not even the Essenes of the Wilderness. And they live alone in the desert without decent wi-fi.
Linda: Hey, I love your wooly Palestinian hair!
Jesus: The apostles call it my “Jewfro”, but Bless Your Heart.
Linda: OMG and you’ve got the most amazing Palestinian copper skin tone, just like me!
Jesus: (Looks at his skin, looks at Linda. Looks at his skin, looks at Linda.) But Linda my child, your skin is whiter than National Public Radio.
Linda: Whatever. So when are you going to Al-Quds, anyway?
Jesus: My child, you are using words that make no sense…. Listen, my Father’s house has many rooms. Maybe you might want to go visit a different one? You know, explore a bit? It’s just that I’m kinda busy. There’s a wedding feast tonight up north and the caterer stinks, so everyone is going to turn to you-know-who when they run out of wine. And don’t get me started on the fish.
Linda: Hey, a wedding! Maybe we can all dance the dabka. It’s a traditional Pales….
Jesus: Farewell my child. (Jesus disappears into the ether)
Linda: Wait, did I just get Holy Ghosted?
(Fade to Black)