Category: Linda Sarsour

Linda Sarsour, Time Traveler: Jesus of Nazareth edition

Narrator: Welcome to Episode 3 of “Linda Sarsour, Time Traveler.” When last we saw our heroine, she had  traveled back to the 20th Century in order to inform Golda Meir and Hanna Szenes that they were not really feminists. Now, our Intrepid Linda of Brooklyn has traveled back to Judea in the time of the Roman Occupation in order to inform Jesus that he’s really Palestinian. We catch up with them in Nazareth, north of the Jezreel Valley.


Linda (cheerfully): A salaam aleikum, Brother Issa!

Jesus of Nazareth: Hello my child, you appear to speak the language of Ishmael’s sons, many days journey into the desert beyond Edom. It is a language I do not understand. I speak Aramaic….. a bit of Thai I picked up when I was backpacking…..and Hebrew. You know, the language spoken by Jews like me…..who live in….. wait for it….. Judea.

Linda: Palestine.

Jesus: I am sorry, my child?

Linda: Palestine! You’re Palestinian! Hellooooo!

Jesus: Daughter of Ishmael, the Philistines disappeared from this land around the Year 600 Before….ummm….600 Years Before….ummm……Me.

Linda: So?

Jesus: So, Like NOBODY uses that term anymore. Not even the Essenes of the Wilderness. And they live alone in the desert without decent wi-fi.

Linda: Hey, I love your wooly Palestinian hair!

Jesus: The apostles call it my “Jewfro”, but Bless Your Heart.

Linda: OMG and you’ve got the most amazing Palestinian copper skin tone, just like me!

Jesus: (Looks at his skin, looks at Linda. Looks at his skin, looks at Linda.) But Linda my child, your skin is whiter than National Public Radio.

Linda: Whatever. So when are you going to Al-Quds, anyway?

Jesus: My child, you are using words that make no sense…. Listen, my Father’s house has many rooms. Maybe you might want to go visit a different one? You know, explore a bit? It’s just that I’m kinda busy. There’s a wedding feast tonight up north and the caterer stinks, so everyone is going to turn to you-know-who when they run out of wine. And don’t get me started on the fish.

Linda: Hey, a wedding! Maybe we can all dance the dabka. It’s a traditional Pales….

Jesus: Farewell my child. (Jesus disappears into the ether)

Linda: Wait, did I just get Holy Ghosted?

(Fade to Black)

 

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My Nation of Islam security detail agree that I’m not a bigot, by Linda Sarsour

Wuddup Allies! Once again, Linda is here breaking it all down for you! So today we’re standing up to the Haters! Hey, did you see yesterday’s article in the Tablet? The article that said that me and Tamika Mallory hijacked the Women’s March? And that at the very first Women’s March planning meeting we shared what we learned from the Farrakhan Book-of-the-Month Club: you know, that Jews ran the slave trade? Not a bad ice breaker, right

(The Daily Freier is published on Israellycool today. Go check it out!)

This Hanukkah, I’m Gonna Gaslight You for 8 Days! By Linda Sarsour

Wuddup Allies! Who else is ready for Hanukkah? Great food! Games for the kids! Oh, and the part where you think it’s about Jews 2000 years ago fighting for a sovereign Jewish nation in “Israel”? Well that’s your White Privilege talking, know what I’m saying? So let me break it down for you. This Hanukkah I’m going to straight up gaslight you for 8 Crazy Days and 8 Crazy Nights! I already talked to the folks over at the Forward and They. Can’t. Wait! This week is going to be off the hook.  Anyways, let’s get started.

(The Daily Freier is over on Israellycool today. Go check us out!)

I Don’t Hate Jews, I’m Just anti-Zioni…..Aww Screw It. Go Farrakhan!

Hey there #Woke People! Linda Sarsour and Tamika Mallory here and we are about to drop some knowledge on you! So have a seat and grab a coffee: it’s about to get Intersectional up in here! First off, we are about tired of certain folks out there saying we have a beef with Jews. That is just a Big Lie being pushed by a bunch of Likudniks drinking the Haterade! The real deal? We oppose Israel’s unjust and illegi…… OMG OMG! Is that Louis Farrakhan??? Giant FanGirl moment, know what I’m saying? Do you think we can get a selfie with the Minister? I mean, like, another one.

(The Daily Freier is published over at Israellycool today. Check us out!)

 

Screenshotting My Old Tweets is Racist, by Linda Sarsour

Linda Sarsour Israellycool Ayaan Hirsi Ali Daily Freier

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So can we get one thing straight? Screenshotting my old tweets is basically a hate crime. Worse than the NYPD. Worse than Netanyahu. I mean, it’s even worse than the NFL not giving Colin Kapaernik a job. Yes. It’s THAT BAD. Because when you screenshot a tweet like this one….

Dual-Loyalty-Linda-Sarsour-Israellycool

…. Well you are simply taking away my voice as a Woman of Color and a Muslim in Donald Trump’s Amerika. And why are you even screenshotting my old tweets anyway? Is it because I speak Truth to Power? Like the time I told the CIA to “Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself”?

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Yeah, I called it. But still no props. Plus, why you gotta bring up old business anyway? Why you gotta go back in time and dredge up the past? I mean, that’s just straight up creepy. Creepier than Zionism….

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Yeah, I said it. Doesn’t give you the right to remind people about it though. You see, I’ve gone mainstream. Like “Hanging with Bernie Sanders” Mainstream. Like “Leading the #Resistance” Mainstream. Like “Promoted by Comedy Central” Mainstream. Is this real enough for you yet?

So that’s it for now, peeps. Don’t forget to catch me November 28th at the Jacobin Institute when I will teach you what is and isn’t anti-Semitism.

#StayWoke,

Linda

Cutting Costs, The Forward Now Just Links Straight to Linda Sarsour’s Twitter Feed

The Forward Linda Sarsour Twitter FeedWith the ongoing slow death of a ridonkulous business model consolidation of online Jewish media, the venerable news site The Forward has hit upon a brilliant way to cut costs while still maintaining core brand identity: their web page now sends you directly to Linda Sarsour’s Twitter feed. Ms. Sarsour, noted feminist and Sharia advocate, has featured so prominently in the Forward as of late that it just made sense to cut out the middleman and bring Linda’s woke tweets directly to the Forward’s woke audience. The Daily Freier took a stroll around Park Slope, Brooklyn in order to get all of the facts from The Forward’s key demographic: Lefty Jews in a constant state of Checking their Privilege.

(The Freier is posted on Israellycool today. Check it out!)

Colin Kapaernik doesn’t have a job, because Palestine. By Linda Sarsour

So you don’t think I can link Colin Kapaernik’s job prospects to the Palestinian cause? Hold my latte.

Speaking of which, wanna know the best thing about Intersectionality? I can connect anything to anything, especially if that second ‘anything’ happens to be a certain group of Arabs who have lived in the Holy Land for thousands of years. Or since last Wednesday. Whatever. Anyways, when it comes to Intersectionality, the Palestinian cause is like an amazing purse. You can literally match it with anything.

(The Daily Freier is published over at Israellycool today. Check us out!)

Linda Sarsour: Time Traveler. The Golda Meir episode

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

SCENE: Somewhere beneath the Knesset. Late Summer, 1972. A woman with graying black hair put up in a bun and wearing a string of pearls is speaking to 7 men sitting around a table. One of them has an eye patch. None of the men are speaking. Suddenly, a woman wearing a mustard hijab over a charcoal-grey jacket materializes, Star Trek Style. She’s been doing that a lot lately.

Woman in hijab: Are you Golda Meir, the Zionist?

Woman with hair in bun: I’m also Golda Meir the Prime Minister, Gold Meir the grandmother, and sometimes just Golda. But yes, you found me. And who are you, may I ask?

Woman in hijab: My name is Linda Sarsour, and I have traveled from the future to inform you that you are not a feminist.

Golda: Well, you might be right. All I do is keep this roomful of egomaniacs silent while I tell them what to do. I guess teaching school in Milwaukee helped prepare me for this work. All of the arguments, all of the screaming, all of the tantrums I witnessed.  And let me tell you, teaching school was no picnic either.

Cabinet member: Excuse me, can I go to the bathroom?

Golda (shoots him an angry look): Regaa!

Cabinet member (sheepishly): Sorry.

Golda: But enough about me. I heard you’re a Big Macher in the Democratic Party now. Mazel Tov!

Linda: Thanks. So like what do you even do down here?

Golda: Well, Linda…. Last month some of our….’cousins’…. decided that the best way to get the world to listen to them is to sneak into the Olympic Village at night and murder my boys. So now I’m about to go medieval on their asses.

Linda: OMG I just can’t even.

Golda (soothingly): Linda, my dear. I’m only setting these guys up on the World’s Greatest Speed Dating Event. Each of them gets 72 partners. And they’re good girls. Good, good girls.

Linda: I just can’t believe this crime is being inflicted on a Community of Color.

Golda (looks at her tanned olive-hued arms. Looks at Linda’s decidedly pale face. Looks at her arms. Looks at Linda): Tell me more about this Community of Color, Bubbele.

Linda: I refuse to sit silently while you marginalize me and discount my struggle.

Golda: You’re right. I have a better idea. Get the hell out of my Situation Room.

Linda: Fine. I’m leaving for now. But I’ll be back. I have the Right of Return!

Golda: Actually you don’t. But we hope you enjoyed your visit to Israel!

(Linda dematerializes, Star Trek style. Fade to Black)

 

Linda Sarsour: Time Traveler

SCENE: a Budapest Jail, 1944. A female prisoner sits on her cot. Suddenly, a woman in a salmon pink blazer and magenta hijab materializes, Star Trek style.

Woman: Are you Hannah Szenes the Zionist?

Prisoner (with weary sarcasm): You can just call me Hannah. But yes. Yes I am.

Woman: Well my name is Linda Sarsour. And I have traveled from the future to inform you that you are not a feminist.

Hannah: Oh hey Linda. Of course, of course. I follow you on Twitter.  And I guess you have a point. I mean, I only parachuted behind enemy lines to fight the Nazis.

Linda: By the way, did you know that Saudi Arabia offers 10 weeks maternity leave? Pretty good huh?

Hannah:  Hey that’s great, but the Gestapo just said I’m going to be shot tomorrow at dawn because I won’t snitch. So, like not that relevant, know what I’m saying?

Linda: Whatever. I just came here to speak truth to power.

Hannah: Look, I appreciate that you stopped by. I really do. You’re the first visitor in weeks who didn’t click his heels like Ralph Fiennes in Schindler’s List. But did you bring anything to help? A nail file? I could saw my way out. Maybe a hair pin? I could stab the guard tomorrow.

Linda: Sorry, but this whole war is a bit too intersectional for me.

Hannah: I hear you. Listen, I’m going to try and sharpen my toothbrush into a shank now.

Linda: I need to leave this construct of weaponized whiteness.

Hannah: Great; thanks for stopping by. Oh and give Mufti Al-Husseini my regards.

Linda: You’re such a racist.

Hannah: Don’t let the steel door hit your tuchus on the way out.

(Linda dematerializes, Star Trek style. Fade to Black.)