So apparently Israel’s $480 Million purchase of German submarines wasn’t entirely Kosher LaPesach, and Prime Minister Netanyahu’s friends keep getting arrested in what is no doubt just a big misunderstanding. Because the police are using some very hurtful words. Like “Bribery“. And “Tax Evasion“. And “Fraud“. But the intrepid journalists at the Daily Freier knew that there had to be a good reason for all of this, and sure enough, The Prime Minister provided us with 10 amazingly convincing explanations. So without further ado, here they are:
By Yekutiel Bornstein
Last Updated 7/2/2016 at 5:30 PM
Jerusalem, The Knesset: In a move described as “bold“, “courageous“, and “resolute“, Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu has vowed that despite going back on the Western Wall Agreement, he will continue accepting money from Diaspora Jews regardless of their level of religiosity or political stands. The Daily Freier attended a Press Conference in Jerusalem where Bibi explained his stand.
“Jews in the Diaspora, Make no mistake: No matter your stands on the Kotel, or conversions, or the Rabbanut….. we in Israel will never stop cashing your checks. And for those of you who are afraid that Israel doesn’t respect you, let me say again…. I will always cash your checks.”
News of this brave stance sent shockwaves throughout Israel and the Jewish world. In the United States, the Reform Movement vowed to put some skin in the game and made plans for 100,000 American Reform Jews to make Aliyah by next year in order to…. Just Kidding! They actually just put on some tie dye tallit and sang some Debbie Friedman songs.
Meanwhile, the religious parties in Israel responded with indignation. “How can these so-called Jews from North America even consider themselves Jewish?” demanded a spokesperson for the Shas Party. “I mean, their leadership has never even served a prison term for accepting $155,000 in a paper sack!”
After his Press Conference, the Prime Minister had a question and answer session, with Bibi providing the questions and answers. “In these days of a rising BDS Movement, what can we do to truly tell the World’s second biggest Jewish community that we are all in this together?” asked Prime Minister Netanyahu. “If you answered “throw Reform and Conservative Jews under the bus and renege on a previous agreement“, then award yourself a prize.”
(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 11/19/2016 at 11:00 PM
Jerusalem: With the Era of Trump only 2 months away, Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu is racing against time to master an impossible task: the ability to tell outgoing U.S. President Barack Obama that he will miss him without giggling like a schoolgirl at a One Direction autograph signing. To meet this nearly insurmountable task, the Likud Party has enlisted the help of Joey Feldman, Acting Coach to the Stars. The Daily Freier managed to speak with Joey between rehearsal takes at the Prime Minister’s Residence.
“Listen pal, I’ve been in this business for forty years, and trust me, I’ve seen it all and done it all. I got all of the Eagles to pretend they liked each other for their Reunion Tour. I managed to convince the World for almost a decade and a half that Ricky Martin was into chicks. But nothing, and I mean NOTHING compared to this challenge. I’ve got less than seven weeks to teach this Bibi character to say that he’s going to miss Obama and all the good times they’ve had. I’m pulling my hair out over here.”
Joey led us into the rehearsal studio he had set up in the Prime Minister’s living room and allowed us to sit in on his coaching.
“OK Bibi baby. One more time. From the Top….And…. GO!”
“Mr. President, as you and Michelle prepare for the next Chapter in your lives, I just want to say, from the bottom of my heart, that I will not miss…. I mean I will miss….. I’m sorry. This is too much!” At this point the Prime Minister chuckled and looked around the room embarrassed.
“Bibi Baby. You’re killing me over here. What’s the problem now?”
“I’m sorry Joey. I just can’t lie this much. And believe me, I’ve told some whoppers in my day.”
“OK, Bibi. Let’s run with that…… Sit back, relax….. and pretend that you need to tell a junket of American Jews that you won’t let the Rabbanut run the show on Conversions and Weddings in Israel.”
And the next take went surprisingly well.
[SCENE: A California Beach]
Pretty Girl: Hi! My name is Ally!
Young Man: Hi my name is Daniel. But my friends call me Barry. I’m from Hawaii.
Ally: That is so cool!
Daniel: Yes. Yes it is. Say, who is that large angry guy walking over?
Ally: OMG, that’s my ex, Johnny Khameini. He’s in that Karate Gang called Cobrazbullah Kai. I hate him.
(Photo Credit: Getty Images)
By The Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 11/9/2015 at 3:30 PM
Haifa: Ahead of their high-profile meeting in Washington this week, a team of scientists at Haifa’s prestigious Technion Institute have managed to harness the animosity sexual tension between Binyamin Netanyahu and Barack Obama to power a small turbine on the Israeli Coast just south of Haifa. The Daily Freier attended a press conference where the lead scientists explained this fascinating breakthrough.
(Photo Credit: Getty)
“It is actually a rather simple concept” explained Doctoral Student Gideon B. “The intense feelings these men have for one another actually charge the ions in the air around them with opposite yet attracting polarities. If properly captured, these ions can then generate a very powerful electric current. This current in turn spins turbines allowing us to generate several Megawatts of power, the exact level depending on whether or not Jeffrey Goldberg has published a column that day”
(Photo Credit: Reuters)
At this point, co-moderator Alex G. played a short video demonstrating the concept. “So in the turbine itself, we play a constant newsfeed of the two men interacting in public……OK, so here we have the two leaders awkwardly hugging on a tarmac……..And now we have them publicly contradicting one another at a joint press conference, like a bickering couple……And now we have a picture of them staring into one another’s eyes. It looks like they can’t stand each other, but it’s really a thin line between love and hate. You can literally feel the excitement in the air. I don’t know about you, but the hair on my arms are sticking out right now.”
While the commercial and economic feasibility of the generator have yet to be fully determined, Gideon noted that if he could only find a picture of the two leaders in matching denim jackets and cowboy hats, he could power the City of Haifa for months.