So Israel and the Palestinian Authority ended some sort of dispute, and now Jordan can give them some mail that’s been held up since 2008 (Anyone who thinks this is just because of “The Occupation” is welcome to help us get our $50 worth of clothes from the Gap™ out of Ben Gurion Airport Customs without paying the $30 in fees that they demanded from us). But what long-hidden truths have been revealed? The Daily Freier got one of our Scandinavian backpacker friends to check out Ramallah and come back with a full report. And what a report it was! It’s like a Time Capsule from 2008! The first iPhone! Obamamania! Taylor Swift just broke up with a Jonas Brother! If only we could…. never mind. Anyhoo, here are the Top 10 Revelations in the mail!
10) That gift we need to get Hosni Mubarak for his “30 Years as President” party? Skip.
9) That invite to Qadaffi’s 2011 Folk Dancing Expo and Film Festival in Tripoli? Same.
8) The 2012 “Bashar Assad Salute to Arab Unity Weekend” in Damascus? You seeing a pattern yet?
3) Obama just beat McCain! We will never get a more sympathetic friend in the White House! Now is the time to really sit down for negotiations and finally get our Palestinian State living in peace next to Israel! Wait, what’s that? We’re just going to blame Israel, do nothing for the next 8 years, and wait for something to happen? OK that also works.
2) Hahahaha! Donald Trump is running for President in 2016! Hahahaha!
By The Daily Freier Martyrs Brigade, a Division of +972
Last Updated 7/3/2022
Al-Quds: In a dramatic last-minute political coup, Prime Minister Hanin Zoabi clinched a majority coalition after promising the Shas and United Torah Judaism political parties increased subsidies, a complete deferment of military service for Yeshiva Students, full veto power over future conversions, plus total control over the Western Wall. The newly re-named Daily Freier Martyrs Brigade was on the scene at the Knesset Majlis to get all of the details on this exciting development.
A defiant MK Litzman explained his decision to join Prime Minister Zoabi’s Cabinet. “People are saying this may be the end of the State of Israel, and I tell them ‘So what?’ I mean, we stood up for principles and refused to give in to a bunch of fake Jews. Plus, our subsidies went up 20%. Now if you’ll excuse me, Foreign Minister Tibi is calling a meeting on Implementation Phase One for the Right of Return.”
Despite a final push to unite the Zionist Parties and withstand Zoabi’s coalition, it was all for naught. At a hastily held Press Conference, their former leaders tried to make sense of it all. Zehava Gal-On admitted that it would have been smarter to also campaign east of Ibn Gavriol Boulevard. Next, Bougie Herzog was supposed to address the audience but nobody remembered to call him. Later, Tzipi Livni explained how things would have worked out better if she had been in charge. Meanwhile, a despondent Bibi Netanyahu sulked in the corner. “I can’t believe that Shas and United Torah Judaism would betray me like this. I mean, what kind of person goes back on a deal simply for a short-term political gain?”
For her part, Prime Minister Zoabi was quite relaxed about the maneuver. “I had to promise them full control over the Wall and the Conversion process. But I figure, ‘Let the Dhimmis sort out the Dhimmis.’ You know what I’m saying? Not my business…. Plus, I had to promise Universal Draft Deferments for all Yeshiva students between the age of 18 and 40, but it was worth it. Besides, I have no idea what General Barghouti will want to do with the “IDF” once it merges into Fatah’s Security Service.”
Edgeware Spaceport: Leaked reports from today’s Conservative Party Conference point to a sinister plot to destroy its rivals: create a team of unpleasant and obtuse androids, send them through a Black Hole to the Earth Year 2016, program them to infiltrate the Labour Party, and destroy the Party from within by making it an international laughingstock.
Prime Minister Beckham held a news conference where he denounced these plans; “We fully and forcefully denounce this treacherous attempt to preemptively destroy the Coalition by ensuring that it never existed. We denounce the creation of the Corbynborg, designed to seek out unsavoury Hezbollah and Hamas “friends” for tea. We stand fully against the Gallowayback Machine, allegedly programmed to annoy even its friends while it dresses as a cat. And we deplore the planned RedKen 2000, and its obsession with a certain Austrian Corporal from the mid-20th Century.”
The Conservative Party for its part denied all charges, with MP Styles pushing back at the accusations. “These charges are ridiculous on their face. No serious Party would let itself get taken over by such a group of clowns, no matter how sophisticated you programmed them. This is simply another fantasy invented by the Prime Minister and Lord Mayor Russel Brand.”
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.