By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1 December 2023 at 3:50 PM

Doha, Qatar: With today’s resumption of fighting, Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh issued a defiant statement from his hotel suite’s breakfast nook. “Today I am calling for more martyrs! With Blood and Fire we will Liberate Al Aqsa!” Mr. Haniyeh emphatically shouted while picking at his poached eggs and salmon. “I am also calling on the Four Seasons Hotel to send more tea and pastries to room 342! From the River to the Sea, I hate cold tea!“

The Daily Freier asked Mr. Haniyeh how the Struggle for Palestine had been affecting him personally. “Every day we are faced with challenges put forth by the Zionist Entity!” Haniyeh complained as a member of his entourage poured him more fresh squeezed orange juice from a large carafe on the drinks cart. “I tried to get a hamburger at 10:30 PM last night but Room Service had the impudence to inform me that the line cook had just gone home and that they only had pizza.”

We then helpfully added that perhaps Ismail’s hotel did not have hamburgers because Ahed Tamimi ate all of them. Mr. Haniyeh thoughtfully scratched his head for a moment. “You raise an excellent point. The Sister Ahed had a very strong appetite in the Zionist jail. She volunteered to fight from our tunnels in Gaza, but our food supplies could not support her Resistance and we had to say no.”

As the Daily Freier ended our conversation with Mr. Haniyeh, he asked us to find the maid and request more towels and some of those tasty pillow mints.