By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/18/2017 at 4:00 PM

PACOM, Hawaii: As tensions rise between the United State and North Korea, today American Naval Aviation in the Pacific Theater of Operations went from Threat Condition Charlie all the way to “Threat Condition The Danger Zone“. With the two nations at a seeming impasse over the Hermit Kingdom’s nuclear program, the U.S. Navy has instructed its personnel to enter a higher state of alert. Despite the current crisis somehow having nothing to do with Israel, The Daily Freier somehow got ahold of a press pass and sat in on a briefing at Pacific Command Headquarters.

Lieutenant Commander (LCDR) Brad Johnson, Public Affairs Spokesperson, explained the new state of alert as he went through a PowerPoint presentation for the assembled press corps. “Male Personnel are expected to shave and wax their upper body, apply a very oily sunscreen, strip down to jean shorts…. but keep their dog tags on, and proceed to the nearest beach volleyball court for muster. At this point Kenny Loggins will perform his hit song ‘Playing with the Boys‘. Touching each other briefly on the butt during organized competition is OK, but must be proceeded or preceded by a high-five.” LCDR Johnson turned nervously to an Admiral sitting to his right. “Sir, are you Positive this is what the Navy was like back in the 80’s?”

LCDR Johnson went on to explain that not only will the music of Popular 80’s rocker Kenny Loggins play a part in the increased state of readiness, but that the singer himself was in fact currently sitting in on joint planning sessions as an advisor. You know, like he did on Archer.

At one point during the presentation, the Daily Freier offered to help mediate the dispute with North Korea, as we have a bit of history in this department. But Lieutenant Commander Johnson ignored us.

Val Kilmer could not be reached for comment.