Ithaca: Ariel Gold is not afraid to take a stand. As a member of Code Pink she has stood against American Foreign Policy on topics such as Iran and Saudi Arabia. She is a noted critic of Israel and has clashed frequently online with Israeli advocates. Yet today Ariel is taking on her most dangerous opponent yet: Standard Written English.
For quite a while, Ms. Gold’s tweets have suffered from a certain lack of proofreading, such as this one and this one. It got so difficult to track what she was saying that we developed an app to make things easier for everyone. Now Ariel has laid down the gauntlet and declared war on proper spelling, grammar, syntax and other tools of World Zionism. We caught up with Ms. Gold as she prepared to picket her local food co-op.
“The spellcheck function is just there to police my words. What is this, ‘A Handmaid’s Tale?’ Helllooo! We say No to Spellcheck, No to Grammarly, No to Proofreading! From the River to the Sea!” The Daily Freier could have sworn that the pink bullhorn in Ariel’s hand was not there at the beginning of this conversation, but we sort of just let it go.
The Daily Freier challenged Ms. Gold that maybe people would take her political positions more seriously if she performed basic due diligence on her tweets, but she was adamant. “Seriously? Did Hen put you up to this?The only thing to check is your Privilege!”
As Ariel left for her protest, we extended our sincere appreciation for her tireless work against the malicious stereotype that all Jews are clever.
Greetings and Salutations from Medinat Tel Aviv! We understand that a certain “satire site” in Israel wrote some not-so-nice things about you. In a nutshell, that your reaction to the slow-motion pogrom going on in New York has been muted by the fact that the assailants were not in fact wearing MAGA hats and/or driving pickup trucks. Basically saying that when it comes to choosing between standing up for your fellow Jews and being Wokety Woke, you voted “Present”.
We also note Elder of Ziyon’s report that your lawyer notified PreOccupied Territory that in so many words you will sue the shit out of him the satirical article was not immediately recognizable as satire and that he needed to retract said article or face possible legal action for defamation of character.
As a free speech advocate and artist, here is our response to your threats against a fellow writer: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET US HELP YOU. We will turn State’s Evidence. We will wear a wire. We will sell him out faster than Vanilla Ice sold out in the 90’s. We will provide so much dirt that Takashi-69 will urge us to “Stop Snitching”.
Why are we doing this? Because we believe in Tikkun Olam. Not because, and we cannot stress the point enough, that this is somehow an opportunity for us to eliminate our chief rival in the highly lucrative world of Anglo-infused Israeli satire. Definitely not that. Tikkun Olam! (Kind of off-topic, but who is your favorite figure skater? Ours is Tonya Harding!)
Anyhoo, tell your lawyer to get in touch with us. Let’s make this happen. But nicht Shabbes geret.
Gan Eden: Today HaShem/G-d/The One Who Created the Universe shared news that was both shocking and kinda made sense: that (Preferred Pronoun) created IfNotNow in order to convince the Gentiles that Jews are also capable of being complete idiots. You see, IfNotNow is the Woke Jewish Left’s answer to a question that none of us really asked. Or a secret plan to make Jewish Voice for Peace seem a bit less nuts. Anyhoo, IfNotNow has created a new generation of Woke Jewish Leadership that has bravely called out such “Pro-Occupation, Pro-Kahanist” Israelis as….ummm….Sarah Tuttle-Singer. So in order to hear all about this first-hand, The Daily Freier spoke with HaShem today via Skype from somewhere in the South Pacific where Shabbat has already ended.
“The problem is that I’ve created some amazing ones: Einstein, RGB, Sandy Koufax, Golda, Maimonides.” explained HaShem as (don’t forget to add a pronoun here) lazily worked on a new species of marsupials. “Heck even my goofy concepts like Rabbi Shmuley or Geraldo Rivera…. at the end of the day they’re still basically smart, level-headed people. So I needed a creation that says to the world ‘Hey: Jews aren’t so special. They can also be complete simpletons who are so Woke that they get mad at Israel for attacking Hamas without mentioning that Hamas just fired missiles out of the blue at Tel Aviv.’ Know what I’m saying?” [Editors Note: The missile alert also forced the author of this piece to have awkward conversations in the hallway with that neighbor downstairs who we never see for months at a time.]
The Daily Freier then asked the Tetragrammaton when (Concept that exists outside the limits of Time and Space. But with Masculine and Feminine Aspects) first came up with the concept of a clique of Woke Jewish Dorks with their own Twitter handle. “Well at first it was just a side project a few years back while I was tinkering with a new strain of romaine lettuce. But then I remembered that in the Talmud it says ‘And there shall be an Army of kids who went to NYU and are still mad at their parents/therapists. And verily I shall find the most Basic ones from among them to be their leaders’….OK OK I never really said that. But I could have if I wanted to. So there, I just said it. Write that down. Baruch Hashem!…..Wait….Can I say that? Is that a bit cocky?”
The Daily Freier asked Adonai if it’s checked IfNotNow’s Twitter feed lately, so the YudHeyVavHey scrolled through (whatever possessive pronoun offends you the least) iPhone. “Wow…..just wow….OK that’s really dumb. Maybe I should have just brought back mastodons. Everybody loves mastodons.”
As Hashem left to prepare the world for the week to come, the Daily Freier asked what lay ahead in the future for IfNotNow. “Who knows, maybe they will move to Israel after their Woke “Allies” inevitably turn on them some time in the year Two Thousand and…..”. Then our Skype call got disconnected.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.