Tel Aviv, Dizengoff Center: In a move described by State Department Spokesperson Marie Harf as “unhelpful” and “not contributing to a constructive dialogue” Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu took United States Secretary of State John Kerry to Tel Aviv’s Dizengoff Center Mall this morning and left him at the Food Court on the third floor near the cinema. The visit to Dizengoff Center, slated as a “fact-finding trip” by Mr. Netanyahu’s staff, was cut short when Netanyahu informed Kerry that he “really needed to use the bathroom” and quickly exited the premises via a previously unknown exit near the Holmes Gym on the ground floor. A confused John Kerry waited approximately 30 minutes before setting out on his own to try to find his way out of the sprawling shopping center long known as difficult to comprehend even by native Israelis. The Daily Freier’s “City Beat” reporter was able to observe Mr. Kerry’s navigation efforts throughout the mall.
Upon realizing that Netanyahu had no intention of coming back, Mr. Kerry set out toward what he thought was an exit to King George Street, only to find himself turned around and in the middle of a room of vendors selling homemade traditional foods. Mr. Kerry took the time to recount some of his experiences as a Lieutenant in the Mekong Delta during Vietnam to a bewildered Druze woman selling flat breads with labaneh cheese. Mr. Kerry then set out again, trying to reach the Dizengoff Street pedestrian overpass that connects the two wings of the mall, and perhaps find an exit near the parking garage at the corner of Dizengoff and King George. Unfortunately, Kerry took a turn up a ramp that led to a bunch of semi empty shops. Again, Kerry displayed his diplomatic acumen as he told the woman applying Dead Sea mud to his face and neck that Putin’s actions in Syria would only hurt Russia in the long run and that Putin really needed to “get with the program and find some sort of consensus”. As Mr. Kerry set out again in search of an exit, the Daily Freier looked over the railing toward the second floor to see a dozen hurried men and women wearing khaki pants, bulging tan vests and earpieces fanning out and asking random passerby questions while gesturing frantically. At this point Mr. Kerry reached a tanning salon whose genial owner listened to Kerry’s recollections about appearing once on an episode of “Cheers” back in the early 1990’s. As the shops began to close this afternoon in preparation for Shabbat, a desperate Secret Service agent asked the Daily Freier if we had seen “a tall older white guy with a patrician manner and a long face.” and we informed them that we thought he might be with our friend Zachary near the store that sells Pop Tarts.
Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: Local resident Dan G. doesn’t like to be called a hero. But his steadfast refusal to let the current wave of terror change his way of life just might make him one. Dan is not about to let the terrorists win, and he demonstrates this by maintaining the same daily activities he has always maintained: being a complete dick to any and all he comes into contact with in this great city. The Daily Freier was lucky enough to tag along with Dan as he went about his day.
We met Dan outside his apartment building in the Kikar Rabin neighborhood, as he parked his car up onto the sidewalk, blocking the route for pedestrians but providing him a mere 10 meter walk to his front door. As Dan got out of the car with his dog, he described his philosophy. “The terrorists want to destroy my way of life. But I won’t let them.” explained Dan as his dog defecated on the sidewalk and we continued to walk without stopping. The Daily Freier followed Dan as he stopped by his local post office to mail a parcel. “The most important thing we can do is just maintain our routine. You know, live our life.” explained Dan as he strode past the ticket machine and several customers clutching tickets and walked right up and handed his package to a postal employee. “I just feel that this is my contribution.” said Dan as he checked the Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” and wrote some pretty inappropriate stuff on a post from an attractive Spanish girl asking for help finding a roommate. We then followed Dan to a bus stop for the Number 25 bus, as he sidestepped the line, got on the bus and kicked his feet up on the seat in front of him. The Daily Freier then followed Dan to his favorite bar where we enjoyed beers while he explained his personal code of conduct. “My philosophy is just to keep being yourself in tough times.” When the Daily Freier got back from the bathroom, Dan was gone and we ended up paying the bar tab ourselves.
Tel Aviv, The Old North: A grassroots community effort is about to pay off, with 10,000 signatures gathered to date in an effort to name the Atarim Plaza as a Palestinian Heritage Site under the auspices of the United Nations Education, Scientific, Cultural Organization (UNESCO). Alert local Ronit S. explained her team’s efforts to date. “After the Palestinians tried and failed to name the Western Wall as theirs at UNESCO, we felt we needed to throw them a bone. Plus it’s like totally gross. So we canvassed the neighborhood around the Harbor and the beaches. Everyone seemed really enthusiastic, almost as if they wanted to just give the place away….. Except the kids who were skateboarding in the plaza…..And the guy we met who built his own shack in the basement of the old parking garage….Oh and the guys we saw walking out of the Pussycat Lounge. They seemed to like things just the way they are. I even saw my boyfriend walking out of the Lounge, but he said he was only there because he had to pee.”
Reaction across the Israeli political spectrum was mixed. Noted Haaretz columnist Gideon Levy was apprehensive. “I like the “Idea” of a Palestinian self-governing area, but you know, someplace else. Like in places I don’t want to go. You know, anywhere east of the Ayalon Highway. But this…. it is AWFULLY close to some of my favorite breakfast places. I just don’t know. It’s all so CLOSE.”
MK Aryeh Deri (Shas) appeared to have reservations as well, but indicated that his fears would be allayed if somebody gave him some money. MK Oren Hazan (Likud) also raised concerns. “If Atarim Square becomes Palestinian, does this mean people won’t be able to visit the Pussycat Lounge? .…Asking for a friend.”
The Daily Freier held a press conference outside Shuk HaCarmel today where spokesperson Shoshanna J. explained the newspaper’s solidarity in standing with Ayman. “These so-called pro-Israel sites like Israellycool, Elderofziyon, and some chick named “Lion of Zion” ….when they call to fire Ayman, what they’re really doing is stealing food off of the table of our families at the Daily Freier. I mean, Ayman is a goldmine for satirists. This man’s body of work is going to pay for my kids’ Bar Mitzvahs, and maybe even the ocean cruise with my husband Ethan that we’ve always dreamed of.” Shoshanna continued; “I don’t think these petitioners against Ayman actually know how satire works. Do you know how hard it is to find a guy as consistently and transparently ridiculous as Mr. Mohyeldin? Seeing drones nobody else can see? Not seeing knives that everyone else DOES see???? The Daily Freier’s stories don’t simply write themselves. OK OK, the ones about sleazy Tel Aviv guys in bracelet bars write themselves. But the other ones require research and development. And Ayman simply makes our lives at the Freier easy.”
Shoshanna concluded her remarks by saying “The Daily Freier calls on all like-minded fans of good satire to stand with us. Stand with justice. Stand with Ayman.”
Jerusalem: Ahmed Manasrah is pretty upset. Last week when he and his cousin stabbed two Jews, including a 13 year old kid on a bicycle, he was pretty sure he was on a one way ticket to a paradise full of hot chicks with large eyes and firm breasts just for him. But now he’s woken up in what looks for all intents and purposes like an Israeli hospital. And worse, it’s crawling with Jews. “This it total bullshit.” fumed an annoyed Ahmed. “According to my timeline, I should have gotten at least to second base by now with one of those chicks they promised me. But no. I mean, one of the nurses is kinda pretty, but she’s really bossy and always tells me what to do. ‘Go to bed, time to eat, time to go to the bathroom.’ This just sucks.”
When asked by the Daily Freier if maybe he is in fact still alive and staying in a Jerusalem hospital, Ahmed was emphatic. “Nonsense! President Abbas says that I am dead. And he never lies about anything!”
Ahmed continued his rant; “This place totally blows. It’s like I died and went to Jew Heaven.” While Ahmed holds out hope that things will turn around, the head nurse just stopped by to tell him that the only virgins in the building are the guys in the basement Tech Support/IT office who play World of Warcraft. And there’s only five of them.
New York: In a move to make the network’s coverage of the Middle East more even-handed, MSNBC has replaced troubled Middle-East reporter Ayman Mohyeldin with former Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters. MSNBC spokesperson Sabrina H. explained the change of lineup. “We at MSNBC feel that Mr. Waters will bring a fresh perspective to the conflict in the Middle East. Mr. Waters is excited to hit the ground running.”
Conversely, Mr. Waters was enthusiastic about his new job. The Daily Freier caught up with Mr. Waters at his new MSNBC office as workers installed his personal SodaStream machine. “I never thought I could land this gig, what with you-know-who running the world’s media. But I’m excited to start work.”
When the Daily Freier asked Mr. Mohyeldin what his future held, he waxed philosophical. “I guess if Mr. Waters can be a Middle East expert, then maybe I can be a bitter English ex rocker who is disliked by his former bandmates.”
Khan Yunis, Gaza: La Agencia de las Naciones Unidas para los Refugiados de Palestina en Oriente Próximo (UNRWA) está hoy en crisis después de que unos informes recién publicados revelaran que uno de los suyos mantiene una página en Facebook absolutamente libre de fotos admirativas de Hitler, de judíos siendo perseguidos o de judíos religiosos siendo atropellados por un coche o acuchillados.
Fares A., un profesor de matemáticas en la Escuela Primaria Sayyid Qutb de Khan Yunis, mantiene un perfil en Facebook que única y estrictamente contiene fotos de su familia, de sí mismo frente a algún Ferrari o una foto publicada por algún dulce corazón femenino de la escuela (a quien su mujer no puede soportar) de ambos juntos en la década de 1990, e imágenes de lo que parece ser una celebración de una barbacoa al aire libre con un sabroso cordero.
Los compañeros de Hassan en la escuela de primaria Sayyid Qutb estaban en un estado de shock. “Tu piensas que conoces a alguien, y luego, bang, resulta ser otra persona“, declaró el descorazonado profesor de historia Hassan M. “Quiero subrayar que él ha estado en mi casa, hablamos de fútbol… Supongo que la próxima seré más cuidadoso con mis amistades“.
La profesora de geografía Layla R. estaba igualmente molesta. “Este hombre ha empañado la dignidad de Gaza. Esto es aún peor que cuando el Mossad secuestró a nuestro gatito“.
El portavoz de la UNRWA, Chris Gunness, compareció apresuradamente en una rueda de prensa preparada para hacer frente al creciente escándalo. “Tomamos esta acusación muy en serio y vamos a investigarla tan pronto como sea posible, sobre todo después de terminar la investigación sobre las finanzas de un blog que nos critica“.
Cuando este artículo entró en prensa, surgieron informes de que Fares A., el profesor acusado, publicó a la desesperada en su Facebook sus últimas calificaciones en el juego conocido como “Naqbaville“, en un intento de salvar el honor de su familia.
Jerusalem: During telephone calls described by sources as “tense” and “frank”, U.S. Secretary of State Kerry issued an ultimatum to Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu and Palestinian Authority President Abbas: If there is no significant reduction in violence by Friday, that the three of them and their respective staffs will spend the weekend discussing Secretary Kerry’s week-long yacht trip to Martha’s Vineyard this August. “We may discuss the yacht trip itself. I may need a couple of hours to explain the subtle nuances of the wind around Cape Cod. Will definitely touch on the time I ran into Joan Baez in Hyannis. I may even need to provide a complete analysis as to which bistro on the island Teresa and I like the best. Really, the sky’s the limit.”
Reaction to this threat was swift, with Israel’s Cabinet meeting in an emergency session. The Daily Freier was able to speak to a visibly distraught Minister Yaakov Litzman after the meeting. “I fear nothing but HaShem. Well…..HaShem and Secretary Kerry’s anecdotes about the Red Sox in the ’70’s.” Concern was equally high on the Palestinian side,with an alarmed Hanan Ashrawi telling the Daily Freier about her fears for the meeting. “I studied French at school……and Mister Kerry knows this…….if he wants to switch to French during the conversation, everybody knows who will pay the price: me.”
Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim: In a hastily called emergency session, the Tel Aviv Municipal Council of Guys opted to respond to the current security situation by naming “Let me Walk You Home, It’s Dangerous” as the city’s top cheesy pickup line. Spokesperson Tal H. explained the change at a press conference following the meeting. “In peacetime, it’s perfectly alright to say ‘Come up for a cup of coffee‘ or ‘I know the best hummus place‘, but these are difficult times.” In addition, Tal urged members of the Council to utilize the following banter while running game: “You can feel the tension in the air. Maybe it’s time we go home”, or “Let’s stay in tonight. It’s dangerous“. Tal conceded that “I was in the IDF” is still an acceptable line, but only on or around Birthright tours.
The new campaign, while promising, has seen decidedly mixed results, with a posting by one “Tal H.” to the popular forum Secret Tel Aviv asking the following question: “What is the easiest way to get pepper spray out of your chest hair? Asking for a friend.”
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.