Category: Aliyah

Welcome to Israel! Where is my Montreal Steak Spice?

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 6/8/2021 at 12:30 PM

Beit Shemesh: There are Facebook friends who share memes and like your posts; but you know what makes a real friend? It’s the people who bring me stuff when they come to visit, or at least send stuff with their cousin.” noted Malky, a resident of Ramat Beit Shemesh-Aleph. “But now that Osher Ad sells Montreal Steak Seasoning and I don’t need to smuggle it from North America, how do I know who my real friends are?” Malky took a long sip from her coffee and looked into the distance. “I don’t.

Yeah, I know that you can find Montreal Steak Seasoning at AM:PM.” she continued. “But who has that kind of money? I have 7 kids. I made Aliyah for cheap Yeshiva tuition.” (Editor’s note: We’re sure there were good Zionistic reasons to….) “You think I’m going to waste those savings on Montreal Steak Spice and duck sauce? And no, Amazon won’t ship it here. My programmer husband built an algorithm to periodically check Amazon to alert me if they started shipping it here.

The next question we had for Malky is how a busy mom like herself discovered that Osher Ad was selling Montreal Steak Seasoning. “Someone posted on the group.” she replied breezily. “The group?!” we asked.

You see, the same Start-Up Nation ingenuity that taught us to nudnik the US Embassy for appointments also started a Facebook group so people can alert one another when Osher Ad has Kirkland toilet paper in stock…. or Skippy peanut butter, which they’ve been out of for AGES!

The Daily Freier research team confirmed that this group exists (What, you think we made it up?) and promptly asked about where to buy those nice big rolls of Kirkland paper towels.

You know…” Malky reminisced. “This reminds me of something my Russian grandmother said they used to do when the Soviet stores actually had meat in stock . One of the ladies on her floor would knock on everyone’s door and everyone would immediately go to the shop. Things were so difficult back then…. nothing like now!

Editor’s Note: This is our SECOND story obsessing over McCormick Brand Montreal Seasoning in less than 6 months. So our message to McCormick Foods is the following: “Pay Us.

Brits react to Israel’s new Salt & Vinegar Chips with calm & restraint.

By Chava Ewa & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/6/2021 at 3:30 PM

Jerusalem, Katamon:
American Olim across Israel are puzzled by the bizarre behavior of their British, Canadian, and South African friends. You see, in the Diaspora we’re all Jewish. But somehow when we arrive here, the Israelis decide that we’re all “Anglo-Saxons” (really).  Anyhoo, it turns out that Americans have less in common with their fellow English-speakers than one would initially suspect. The Brits and other assorted Commonwealthians are in fact all obsessed by potato chips (Wait… they’re called crisps? Really?) that taste like they fell in salad dressing at a picnic. And now a reasonable facsimile of those chips has arrived in Eretz HaKodesh.

Look at them plotting their route of makolets; it’s like they’re planning the D-Day Invasion.” noted an American Olah named Dassie as she watched her roommates huddled in a Katamon Cafe. The object of their desire? Salt & Vinegar chips.

Yesterday, I saw my roommate Hannah taking selfies in the supermarket like a teenager.” Dassie confided. “I’ve lived with this girl for 4 years and I haven’t seen her so excited since the time her cousin from Leeds came to visit and brought a suitcase full of Cadbury chocolate and PG Tips teas. Who makes such a fuss over something silly like that?

As we sipped our ice coffee, we heard a ruckus in the snack section of a nearby kiosk, a British guy and a Canadian guy violently fighting over the last bag of salt & vinegar chips. The shocked kiosk owner remarked “Wow… A Canadian acting rude…. and a British guy showing emotion! Moshiach is coming!

When we got finished laughing at this foolish reaction over silly potato chips, we accidentally told Dassie that we’re planning a trip back to the States this month and she asked us to bring back Ziploc bags, K Cups, Dunkin Donuts coffee beans, the new iphone, and some decent cleaning products.

Wait, who is Sylvester & why are we doing stuff for him?

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 12/28/2020 at 3:30 PM

Tel Aviv: “What am I doing for Sylvester? Am I supposed to know him? And why are we supposed to be doing stuff for him? I don’t understand!” complained recent American Oleh Alex P. “All my Israeli friends keep asking me what I’m doing for Sylvester…. and I literally don’t know what they’re talking about.”

Alex explained that this past week, all his workmates could talk about was this mysterious guy named Sylvester. “One guy said he’s making a Barbecue for Sylvester. Another guy is hosting a wine & cheese party for him. My supervisor said he’s going to the pub for Sylvester. He invited me to join, but I didn’t know how to answer. I like pubs, but is this Sylvester guy coming with us? Wait, maybe Sylvester knows that other mystery guy Alan?”

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, we suggested that maybe Alex would understand his workmates better if he invited them out to socialize. “Yeah, I already tried that…and it totally didn’t work.” he explained. “I asked the guys if they wanted to do something fun for New Year’s, but they just laughed at me and said to ask them in 9 months.”

“It’s a Hate Crime against Anglo Olim!” Tel Aviv woman reacts calmly to cost of spices

“Does Nefesh B’ Nefesh know about this?”

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 12/3/2020 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv: It’s a hate crime! Ethnic discrimination! Racism!” cried Mindy R. “These stores and their discriminatory practices that make the food I like more expensive. It’s just because I’m Ashkenazi, isn’t it?

Mindy, a Passaic native who now lives in Tel Aviv, tearfully described her experiences shopping for food at her local AM:PM supermarket. “These cultural micro-aggressions have got to stop!

They’re charging 21 Shekels for a tiny bottle of McCormick’s seasoning, and like 10 Shekels for a kilo of some random yellow spices I’ve never heard of.” Mindy complained. “Their motives are pretty obvious; they think they’re better than me and are trying to force me to be like them…. maybe I don’t want to serve yellow chicken and yellow rice and yellow vegetables for Shabbos like every Israeli I know? That’s why they made the jars of duck sauce so expensive, because they don’t want me to buy them! And yeah, I tried Amazon and Target but they don’t ship here.

We headed to Mindy’s corner supermarket with her typical shopping list: jarred gefilte fish, duck sauce, and cream of mushroom soup (You know, the essentials!) in order to get the whole story from Rami the manager. “Am I racist against her? No way! That girl is one of my best customers; she easily spends 4000 Shekels every month!

We asked Mindy why, if she felt uncomfortable at her local grocery store, couldn’t she just go to another store like Osher Ad? “I would need a car to get to a supermarket like that.” she said. “I would totally buy one, but groceries are sooo expensive.

UPDATE: Stay tuned for tomorrow when this crisis migrates to Facebook and morphs into an angry rant on the popular page “Living Financially Smarter in Israel”!



Aliyah mania now affecting Liberals and Conservatives alike!

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 9/7/2020 at 11:30 AM

Jerusalem, Rasko: After years of complaining about America, my cousins made Aliyah…. both the far-right and the far-left one!” gushed Jerusalem resident Chana N. “It all happened so fast, I didn’t even have time to ask them to bring me a suitcase full of Q-Tips, Montreal Spice, and Ziplocs. They arrived yesterday and immediately started their Aliyah blogs!

Chana scrolled through her Facebook feed looking for each cousins’ posts. “Every time President Trump did something she didn’t like, my cousin Leora would write ‘That’s it! I can’t stay in America, I’m making Aliyah!‘ ….So far so good, right?”

“But with my other cousin, Miri, it was the exact same thing except it was Obama and Pelosi…. They’ve been saying it for years.

Of course, when pressed about actually making Aliyah, each cited some vague excuses about ‘Parnasa’ and asked when Target and Amazon were going to start shipping to Israel. But after spending years as “Almost Olim“, America’s current Bi-Partisan Balagan helped make up their minds!

The Daily Freier reached both Leora and Miri on a Zoom call at their Quarantine Hotels. After politely listening to their gripes about the hotel food, we asked each woman why she made Aliyah: was it because of their Zionist ideals, a sense of religious duty, or were they escaping antisemitism? Miri chimed in. “First week of September my cousin in Israel is sending her kids to school and our old school district is closed! I’ll do anything to escape from a year of distance learning… Anything!

In a show of solidarity and unity, both Leora and Miri vowed to wear their Nefesh B’ Nefesh hats until Moschiach arrives.


Success! Recent immigrant to Israel refuses to leave!

By Aaron Pomerantz & Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 7/23/2020 at 5:30 PM

Tel Aviv: So we got good news and bad news. First, the good news. We met a recent arrival to Israel who is enthusiastic, refuses to quit, and determined to make it work here. The bad news is it’s the Corona Virus. The virus, who immigrated to Israel in late February and is named Rachel or Sarah, was kind enough to sit down with the Daily Freier at that cute cafe near Ben Yehuda that’s really popular with Olim.

OMG I love it here!” enthused the virus. The Daily Freier asked the virus about her story. “So, like my family was originally from China, but then I just started traveling! It was so exciting! Europe! North America! It felt like I was on Gap Year!

The Daily Freier asked the virus if it had any long-term goals in Israel. “I’m going to start my own NGO!” she replied. “It’s going to be like Taglit, except it will bring young infectious viruses to Israel! Isn’t this exciting?!! Imagine…. a virus riding a camel! Taking shots of Tubi! It just made out with the cute soldier from the bus! It’s got mud all over its body at the Dead Sea! ” (Later, we reluctantly had to admit that this idea wasn’t the dumbest piece of Israel Advocacy that we had ever heard of.)

Then the virus started to “spill tea” on life in Israel. I hooked up with a Golani last week! We met at the beach!” Then the virus turned introspective. “But why isn’t he calling me? I mean, I got his text that he’s sick with a high fever. But is that just some kind of commitment issues bullshit? They say he’s in an isolation ward on his base, but I think he’s just ghosting me.

As we got up to leave, the virus had one more question. “So when do I get my 750 Shekels from the Government for Covid Relief?

UPDATE: There appears to be an End Date to the Corona Epidemic. After the Holidays, she’s going to get married and move to Ra’anana and then nobody will ever hear from her again.

 

Nefesh B’Nefesh: Zero American Olim threatened to move back this week

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6/24/2020 at 5:00 PM

Jerusalem: Today Nefesh B’Nefesh released unpredecedented news: in the past week not a single Oleh threatened to “move back to America“. Nefesh B’ Nefesh is an NGO dedicated to facilitating the Aliyah and success of Anglo Olim, a group that has earned a very unfair reputation of being a bunch of needy and entitled goofs. You see, it appears that Anglo, and especially American, Olim have a reputation for complaining. Anyhoo, for some weird reason, ZERO American Olim posted angry rants on Facebook or Aliyah Blogs about moving back this week, and nobody knows why. The Daily Freier pestered various Thought Leaders in the Olim Community until we got 500 words for our article.

First we spoke to Liami Lawrence, founder of Keep Olim in Israel, a Facebook community known for its calm discussions among Olim. “This is Amazing, and it’s all because of our incredible Counseling Services and job placement network! We finally did it!” he explained. The Daily Freier tried to argue that maybe some stuff might be happening in the United States that influenced this trend, but Liami had to cut the conversation short in order to moderate a post on Keep Olim’s Facebook page where someone was complaining about complainers and people were complaining about it.

The Daily Freier then stopped by Nefesh B’ Nefesh, and spoke to a Dati Leumi woman named Batsheva, Elisheva, or Just Sheva. “It’s all because of our A-Ma-Zing Tel Aviv Hub!  Did you know we host beer making classes? Also, once we moved all the chairs and had a Zoomba class!” The Daily Freier countered that perhaps there might be some current events affecting the plans of American Olim, but she cut us off and handed out some pamphlets for their “Go North” program.

Finally, the Daily Freier checked in at the Misrad HaKlita, but the Security Guard told us to make an Online Appointment, so we will have an update some time in late July.

The Daily Freier looks forward to the upcoming surge of new immigrants from America, thus fulfilling our Nightmare Dystopian Fantasy of an Israel completely run by Anglo Olim.

“Nobody’s Leaving!” Keep Olim in Israel declares Victory

“Now youse can’t leave.”

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 4/25/2020 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv: The Israeli NGO “Keep Olim in Israel” celebrated tonight as the number of Olim (recent immigrants) leaving Israel has statistically reached Zero for the month of April. The Organization was founded several years ago in an attempt to help Olim acclimate to Israel. They even helped streamline Israel’s law for converting your foreign Drivers License. The Daily Freier spoke with Keep Olim founder Liami Lawrence via Zoom about this success.

Nobody’s leaving!” enthused Liami. “It’s all because of our advocacy and the counseling services we provide!

The Daily Freier asked Liami if maybe there was some other factor out there that was limiting the ability of Olim to make Yerida, but he refused the premise. “What are you talking about? This is all goes back to the line of candidates we ran in last year’s municipal elections!

The Daily Freier pressed the point, that maybe there was perhaps another reason that people were no longer flying from Israel for the past few weeks. “No, No, No.” he replied. “Olim aren’t leaving because we have created an online community that supports one another!

We asked Liami one more time if just maybe there might be something else telling Olim “Now youse can’t leave“, but he said he was right in the middle of an episode of Shtisel and ended the interview.

 

 

 

“The Oleh who learned Hebrew during Quarantine” and other Fairy Tales

Welcome to the Daily Freier’s new line of Young Adult Fiction novels! Today we tell the outlandish tale of an Anglo Oleh who decides to use the current Corona Lockdown as a gift, and truly learn Hebrew! That’s right, he has some children’s books in Hebrew along with his old notebooks from Ulpan Gordon. Too Easy! So let’s take a look!

………………………………………………………………….

Hmm, how about we study “Eeti, Eet-ha, Eetah, Eeto”, and….

Wait a second. Is that a crow outside? Hey, and it’s carrying an empty tub of hummus in its beak! Isn’t that awesome? Also….

OK OK OK, let’s stay focused. So the notebook says that some nouns are masculine but they actually have feminine endings because…

OMG OMG OMG I think your neighbors upstairs are doing it with the windows open!

Hey! Let’s pay attention to the task at hand! ….OK maybe we can work on our future tense verbs before we…

….Wait, are you trying to say that the redneck with the handlebar mustache and the mullet  …..he’s Gay? …..and he hired a Hitman?  ……to kill the crazy cat lady? ……because of baby tigers?????

STOP! Turn off Netflix! ….now, let’s look at the Pay-Gronit Verb Form. It’s interesting because…

Whoah, did you see the video that Madonna just posted online? CRAYYYY-Z! I know, right?

NO! We have stuff to learn! Maybe we can just review vocabulary words…

Hey, Trump is Tweeting again!

 

 

 

 

I just discovered this town called “Yafo” and I want to tell you all about it

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 12/12/2019 at 5:30 PM

Yafo Clock Tower: O.M.G. I am having the Cra-Zi-Est day! So I got on the 125 Bus because I wanted to ride to the Shuk, right? You see, I am ready to FINALLY make Shakshuka at home and wanted to get fresh ingredients. So I’m on the bus and this cute guy immediately starts Talking. Me. Up. Crazy, right? But then he says he needs to get to his Startup and charge his bike and just ghosts. Lame. Anyways, I kinda missed my stop and next thing I know, NOTHING looks familiar. Plus I can’t really understand Hebrew without the vowels. Why are all the bus stops named “Tehina”? Is that a thing? Wait, where was I? OK so I was lost. Started to cry. Texted my mom. But I still don’t understand my phone plan with Golan, so who knows who I actually texted.

OK, so I’m still on the bus and I decide to get off and just get out of my comfort zone. Am I a Nefesh B’Nefesh Poster Girl or what? Kidding! Anyways, I found this amazing giant flea market! I felt like I was in Vintage Heaven! And get this, I bought a yummy Jello called ‘malabi’ for just 5 Shekels! My roommate says you can buy it at Cofix, but she’s an idiot.

OK so I started chatting with the woman who sold me this super cute jean jacket, and— get this — she told me I was in ‘Yafo’. Wait… I think my cousin Ashley lives down here. I think she said she lives near an olive tree that is just hanging in the middle of the air or something. Wait, was she baked when she told me that? OK so I start walking toward this tree and I think I’m lost again, but I see these giant wings on the wall and I asked these really chill tourists from Holland to take my photo with the wings. Wait, is that Basic?

Then I start walking again, because I think I know where the olive tree is, but I guess I didn’t because I ended up outside of like a Chabad House? Except the guy didn’t have a beard and was really clean cut. And he was wearing khaki pants and carried a clipboard? Plus he asked me to take a personality test. Wait What? Then he said something about Tom Cruise. I don’t think this is really Chabad. Like where’s the Rebbetzin? Shouldn’t I get some candles?

This is TOTALLY going in my Aliyah Blog.

Hey I just found a bus stop! Wait, is Bat Yam near the Shuk?