This is ridiculous. Birthright are a bunch of damn liars. According to the brochure I should be riding a camel to a hummus restaurant with like two Army girls by now. But no. This town is crawling with dudes. If I wanted a sausage fest, I could have stayed in Jersey for the Summer. I just feel cheated. Especially because I talked so much shit to the bros before I left last week. And now I have no good stories.
And where are all these guys’ clothes? I don’t get it. I mean it’s hot out, but not that hot. It’s hardly June. And what do all of the flags mean? I just don’t get it. And why is everyone in such good shape? That dude over there is ripped. The cuts on his triceps and abs are ridiculous. I bet he lifts. I wonder what supplements he uses. Creatine maybe? I should go ask him.
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 8/10/2015 at 11:40 AM
Mitzpe Ramon, The Negev: IDF soldier Yair G. is currently not feeling completely Okay about all the attention he is receiving from the women on the Birthright Israel trip that he is escorting. “I’m just not really feeling like I’m in a safe space.” noted a visibly distraught Yair. “I feel like they aren’t interested in me as a living breathing person with real hopes and fears, but rather with an artificial avatar of myself based on my current mode of existence as a young adult fulfilling his mandated national conscription duty.”
Yair went on to explain that he has resorted to lying about his service in an effort to make it seem less glamorous. “I mean, I serve in Golani, but I told ‘Alyssa from Miami’ that I was assigned to the personnel office making copies. Still didn’t change anything.” As another tour group attendee, known only as “Jess from L.A.” approached Yair, he quickly broke away, saying only “That’s it, I’m telling “Breaking the Silence”.
As the article went to print, approximately 47 members of Yair’s battalion volunteered to take his place, with 10 of them volunteering to extend their military commitment if necessary.