Somewhere in the Arava– So this Taglit trip has been A-Ma-Zing! I can’t believe they let us into the country finally! We’ve seen EVERYTHING! And our bus is so fun!
Also, the IDF guys on our bus are so down to earth and chill! This one guy Danny is something called a “Lone Soldier“? He’s pretty cool, but is it weird that he eats all the food off our plates when we’re full? Or when we get up to go to the bathroom? Is that like an Israeli custom? Anyways, they’re all great. This other guy named Itzhik was in the Navy, and get this: He’s a dolphin! Can I say that? Is that racist?
Anyway, Itzhik is so cool! He just got back from Gaza and I guess he did some crazy stuff there. So it gets even crazier! Every time we get back on the bus, Itzhik brings me a small present! Yesterday he brought me a piece of string. Today he brought me a small mackerel! Is this like an Israeli thing that I don’t know about? Is he flirting with me?
So tonight we’re going to stay at a Guest House on the edge of this giant crater in the Negev! How cool is that? And guess who wants to show me a special spot where you can see all the stars! Itzhik! Wait, is this moving too fast?
OK, this is bullshit. As we were getting ready to leave the Ecological Desert Kibbutz, I ran into Jessica from Boston and she was talking about how tonight Itzhik promised to show her “a special spot where you can see all the stars.“
So Taglit has come up with some A-Ma-Zing themes for its trips: Classic Birthright, Outdoor Adventure Birthright, LGBT Birthright, ride a camel, get black-out drunk in Machane Yehuda and hook up with the soldier on your bus Birthright, and Campus Birthright. And it’s this type of “thinking outside the box” that has allowed Taglit to really “expand the brand.” But for every Taglit Great Idea, there are a whole bunch that turned out to be not so great. Here are some of Taglit’s greatest mistakes:
OMG Everyone on my bus has peanut allergies too!
In 2018 let Taglit take you to Israel with your college stalker!
This Summer Taglit is going to take you to the Negev and then drive off!
Explore Israel’s Binary Options industry with Taglit!
Forget Masada and the Kotel, this year Taglit is taking you to Afula!
This summer, be the only non-French speaker on your bus!
Spend a day in the Knesset with Hanin Zoabi!
Just for fun, we told Ben Gurion Passport Control that you work for BDS.
This week your Taglit tour guide is Oren Hazan!
Wait, are we in Syria? Taglit’s hiking tour of the Golan….without pesky maps!
This is ridiculous. Birthright are a bunch of damn liars. According to the brochure I should be riding a camel to a hummus restaurant with like two Army girls by now. But no. This town is crawling with dudes. If I wanted a sausage fest, I could have stayed in Jersey for the Summer. I just feel cheated. Especially because I talked so much shit to the bros before I left last week. And now I have no good stories.
And where are all these guys’ clothes? I don’t get it. I mean it’s hot out, but not that hot. It’s hardly June. And what do all of the flags mean? I just don’t get it. And why is everyone in such good shape? That dude over there is ripped. The cuts on his triceps and abs are ridiculous. I bet he lifts. I wonder what supplements he uses. Creatine maybe? I should go ask him.
Mitzpe Ramon, The Negev: IDF soldier Yair G. is currently not feeling completely Okay about all the attention he is receiving from the women on the Birthright Israel trip that he is escorting. “I’m just not really feeling like I’m in a safe space.” noted a visibly distraught Yair. “I feel like they aren’t interested in me as a living breathing person with real hopes and fears, but rather with an artificial avatar of myself based on my current mode of existence as a young adult fulfilling his mandated national conscription duty.”
Yair went on to explain that he has resorted to lying about his service in an effort to make it seem less glamorous. “I mean, I serve in Golani, but I told ‘Alyssa from Miami’ that I was assigned to the personnel office making copies. Still didn’t change anything.” As another tour group attendee, known only as “Jess from L.A.” approached Yair, he quickly broke away, saying only “That’s it, I’m telling “Breaking the Silence”.
As the article went to print, approximately 47 members of Yair’s battalion volunteered to take his place, with 10 of them volunteering to extend their military commitment if necessary.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.