Category: Only in Israel

Israeli Barbie: Meirav Covid Edition

By Roxy Cruz

Last Updated 5/12/2020 at 9:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Remember February? Those were innocent times, weren’t they? It was in February that Roxy first introduced us to her “Israeli Barbie” line of action figures, including the polyamorous Thrupple of European Spouse Barbie, Yuval Melech HaShuk, and Sigalit Barbie. Well, now that the Corona Virus has completely messed up our lives, it’s time to introduce the latest addition to our line of Israeli Barbies: Meirav Covid Edition!


Meirav: 48 years old, no children. Works as a healer, speaker, life coach, and activist. She makes a total of 850 shekels per month, so her 83 year old mother helps her with another 9K. Lives in Sheinkin alone and shares a dog with her ex, Dudi, a fun-oriented Eyal Golan look-alike who now lives with Alina, a 22 year old former model whom he met in Ukraine and who holds the record for longest legs in Europe. Alina calls Dudi “Poshcosko” in a baby voice, and Meirav refers to her as “that ugly shiksa“.

Meirav keeps calling the ex to organize weekends and talk about the dog like it’s a child they adopted together. She keeps finding psychological problems with the dog, when the truth is that the dog is only depressed about living with her owners and not having sex at the park on Fridays, and then put to sleep afterwards because her life is that miserable.

As a life coach who does not have her own act together, her hobby is spying on Dudi’s girlfriend and also making sure none of the neighbors are having any fun anywhere within a kilometer radius. This involves calling the police a lot. Has 2 friends and they both live in Haifa, and one of them is avoiding her phone calls because she only talks about Dudi and her friend thinks she should let it go after 6 years already.

Meirav was secretly happy about the lockdown because for the first time in a long while everybody has nowhere to go and no friends to talk to, and no dates.  She takes pictures of people that she saw outside and posts them online to bash them within her community of online fellow Meiravs. Now that the lockdown has been eased, she’s bored and has no place to go.

Hopes the “ugly shiksa” gets Corona.

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My Family is Not an Illegal Gan

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 4/30/2020 at 6:30 PM

Jerusalem, Baka: As Israelis find themselves under lockdown, people are learning all kinds of new things about their neighbors.

I called the police because I thought my upstairs neighbor Ruchie was running an illegal Gan. Turns out she just has nine kids.” noted Malka D, a retiree living in Baka. “I heard Uncle Moishy songs blasting all day, constant yelling, and every week the Makolet guy delivered 10 boxes of Cheerios, 12 packages of yogurt and 8 bags of frozen corn schnitzel.” confided Malka, who insists that she doesn’t meddle in other people’s business. “Who needs so much frozen corn schnitzel except someone operating an illegal gan during lockdown?” (Writer’s Note: I need that much)

When asked why she had jumped to conclusions and didn’t maybe consider that her upstairs neighbor had a large family, Malka explained. “I met her when I moved into this building, she’s a preschool teacher and her husband works in a grocery store. They don’t have money! Who would have a bunch of children if they didn’t have money? That’s just ridiculous!

Ruchie, of course, forgave her neighbor for the misunderstanding. “I’m learning about my neighbors too!” Ruchie admitted. “I just learned that my next door neighbor is Sephardi! All this time, I thought she was from overseas and that’s why she mispronounced Hebrew words… you know what she calls the Koisel? You know, the Western Wall? She says “Koh-tell”… that’s crazy, right?

Introducing: The Israeli Barbie Collection!

By Roxy Cruz

Last Updated 2/19/2020 at 7:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Who amongst us did not LOVE LOVE LOVE to play with Barbies when we were young? But for those of us living in Israel, the concept of a doll with a nice house, a car, and a real job just seemed…. unrealistic. Which is why we are really really excited to introduce this new line of Israeli Barbie dolls crreated by Tel Aviv’s very own Roxy Cruz!

Also, Israeli Spouse Barbie may or may not be based on Roxy’s life story.


Israeli Spouse Barbie: Left her well-paying job as a senior executive in Denmark to live with Yuval, a struggling poet and musician, in Shuk haCarmel. Comes with a free headset and a working contract in  Customer Service.

 

 

 

 


Yuval Melech HaShuk: Israeli Spouse Barbie’s partner. Comes with scratch-n-sniff “Festival in the Negev & Cannabis” scent.

Yuval’s bullshit Army stories that he tells Taglit Barbie sold separately.

Rumor has it that the Israeli Government exports its hottest/laziest men to Northern Europe in order to bring back experienced Customer Support Technicians in the form of their new girlfriends.

 

 


Barbie Sigalit: An Israeli bartender and aspiring actress who lives and has sex once in a while with 3 roommates. Has a recreational drug issue to treat her daddy issues, plus her issues because she wants to be Yemenite but is actually Ashkenazi. Barbie Sigalit has a dog that she refuses to look after, but she also wants to have a baby soon.

 

 

 


So if you CALL NOW and order Israeli Spouse Barbie & Ken Yuval Melech HáShuk, you also receive free of charge and unsolicited, Barbie Sigalit….since Ken Yuval convinced Barbie Israeli Spouse to try polyamory so he can keep Barbie Sigalit, too.

Also, you get the free darbuka from their living room that nobody in the house knows how to play.

 

Oh Hi There, Noah

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 1/11/2020 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv: The worst thunderstorms in decades have smashed into Israel, sending locals for the high ground.  Hordes of confused locals were seen rushing INTO the Dizengoff Center Mall just to find shelter as roads turned to rivers and people kayaked in our little Venice of the Middle East.

As the heavens dumped rain, lice, frogs and locusts on Tel Aviv, Biblical hero Noah tweeted: “Finally!” as he looked around for more pine tar. It was at this moment that the 4,700-year-old pensioner decided to act, hauling into each cabin 2 copies of Fauda Season 1 (because why not), 2 of Sara’s untouched credit cards, 2 non-complaining Olim, and 2 copies of Donald’s Middle East peace plan for light entertainment. No politicians or Hot Cable customer service representatives made the cut.

Starting at NIS 5,000 for a double, cabins aboard The Ark, called “Soleiman, Shmolomon” are the same size as a Tel Aviv studio apartment but with enough room to swing two cats.

As the Ark plans to set sail for sunny Scotland, Time Person of the Year Greta Thunberg overexerted herself, calling Donald Trump “a nob” on Twitter.

“Why are you dancing on my van & trying to hug me?” Oleh who bought used van has questions

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 12/24/2019 at 1:15 PM

Beitar Illit: The weirdest things have been happening since I bought this van.” noted Beitar Illit resident and father-of-nine Yitzi P. “We just made Aliyah last month and I got a good deal on a used van from some hippie religious guys…. they were really nice, they even included a CD player and some CDs. It’s funny, but whenever I stop at a red light, people start dancing and the guys in tight jeans and gelled hair run out to give me hugs and call me “achi”…..that means brother, right? People are so friendly here!”

Yitzi continued. “Then, a guy comes up to my window and gives me a little bag and asked me if I “rotzeh samim?” It took me a minute because my Hebrew isn’t so good, but I realized that he was giving me havdala spices! That’s so nice, right? He was doing kiruv like the Chabad ladies who give out candles. After a few days, I ended up with a few extra bags of havdala spices, so I decided to share the mitzvah too…I’ve been giving them out whenever people come over and try to dance with me at traffic lights!”

Yitzi explained that he’s happy in Israel. “I think I totally understand Israelis now. …but hey, that police car looks like it’s been following me all day. Do you think I have a busted tailight or something?”

I just discovered this town called “Yafo” and I want to tell you all about it

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 12/12/2019 at 5:30 PM

Yafo Clock Tower: O.M.G. I am having the Cra-Zi-Est day! So I got on the 125 Bus because I wanted to ride to the Shuk, right? You see, I am ready to FINALLY make Shakshuka at home and wanted to get fresh ingredients. So I’m on the bus and this cute guy immediately starts Talking. Me. Up. Crazy, right? But then he says he needs to get to his Startup and charge his bike and just ghosts. Lame. Anyways, I kinda missed my stop and next thing I know, NOTHING looks familiar. Plus I can’t really understand Hebrew without the vowels. Why are all the bus stops named “Tehina”? Is that a thing? Wait, where was I? OK so I was lost. Started to cry. Texted my mom. But I still don’t understand my phone plan with Golan, so who knows who I actually texted.

OK, so I’m still on the bus and I decide to get off and just get out of my comfort zone. Am I a Nefesh B’Nefesh Poster Girl or what? Kidding! Anyways, I found this amazing giant flea market! I felt like I was in Vintage Heaven! And get this, I bought a yummy Jello called ‘malabi’ for just 5 Shekels! My roommate says you can buy it at Cofix, but she’s an idiot.

OK so I started chatting with the woman who sold me this super cute jean jacket, and— get this — she told me I was in ‘Yafo’. Wait… I think my cousin Ashley lives down here. I think she said she lives near an olive tree that is just hanging in the middle of the air or something. Wait, was she baked when she told me that? OK so I start walking toward this tree and I think I’m lost again, but I see these giant wings on the wall and I asked these really chill tourists from Holland to take my photo with the wings. Wait, is that Basic?

Then I start walking again, because I think I know where the olive tree is, but I guess I didn’t because I ended up outside of like a Chabad House? Except the guy didn’t have a beard and was really clean cut. And he was wearing khaki pants and carried a clipboard? Plus he asked me to take a personality test. Wait What? Then he said something about Tom Cruise. I don’t think this is really Chabad. Like where’s the Rebbetzin? Shouldn’t I get some candles?

This is TOTALLY going in my Aliyah Blog.

Hey I just found a bus stop! Wait, is Bat Yam near the Shuk?

 

 

 

 

 

Controversial Israeli Tour Guide does not wear an Absurd Hat

(No Tour Guides Were harmed in the writing of this story)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/29/2019 at 11:30 PM

Ein Gedi, Israel: Israel’s tourism industry took a disturbing turn this week when word spread that a local tour guide does not wear a completely ridiculous hat. You see, tour guide school lasts longer than some marriages…. so being a licensed guide here is kind of big deal. Consequently, when the tour guide community discovered that Israeli guide Danny C. was leading tours without either a fake Indiana Jones hat, a crocodile Dundee cowboy hat, a pith helmet, a hat that he stole from an ANZAC cavalry officer, nor one of those French Legionnaire hats with the dork flaps on the sides…..well, the reaction was not pretty. The Daily Freier talked with numerous irate tour guides to get their opinions.

Wait, no stupid hat?” wondered Jerusalem guide Hillel K. as he led a procession of Filipino Christians through the Old City while wearing a Soviet fur cap. “How do they even know he’s a guide?  I mean, does he even walk around in some sort of complex shawl/poncho?”

So this guy thinks he can just wander around Eretz Yisrael without a ridiculous hat?” griped a guide named Yossi as he washed his socks behind a gas station near Hadera. “I bet he also owns pants that don’t have cargo pockets.” Yossi continued to criticize Danny’s lack of a hat for about five minutes before abruptly walking away. “Please Excuse me. I need to go tell that total stranger over there that he looks dehydrated and needs to keep drinking water until his pee is clear.

The Daily Freier then stopped by the Israeli Ministry of Tourism to find out just what they plan to do about this rogue employee. A woman named Smadar talked to us on her cigarette break. “When the Ministry found out that Danny was not wearing a ridiculous hat, we levied a 5,000 Shekel fine against him and placed him on probation.” Smadar took another drag off her cigarette and continued. “The only reason he hasn’t been decertified is that he still complies with our rule that all guides own more scarves than Stevie Nicks.”

EPILOGUE: As the story went to print, Danny was seen purchasing the most worthless piece of headgear ever invented: the beret.

Jesus relocates Armageddon “because nobody wanted to hang out in Afula”

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 11/17/2018 at 2:00 PM

Tel Megiddo: Our Christian friends are in a giant funk today after news broke that Jesus has decided to change the site of the Final Battle between Good and Evil. According to reliable sources, the Prince of Peace decided that Tel Megiddo, lying just southwest of Afula in the Jezreel Valley, lacked the modern amenities to properly host Armageddon. Mr. Yeshua was kind enough to Skype with the Daily Freier and explain his decision.

“I’m sorry, but if we’re going to stage an epic battle between the Forces of Light and Darkness, can we do it near a place with a decent mall? Is that asking too much? Let me put this in perspective. My hometown is no great shakes, but at least we have a really big food mall now. But oh yeah, Afula has a Supersal. Also I try to keep my interaction with the Deceiver of Men to a bare minimum, and he never stops bitching to me about this. He said that Afula left him bored.”

The Daily Freier challenged Mister Of Nazareth, noting that Afula has a station on the new Jezreel Valley Train line, but he was dismissive. “Oh really? So now you can take a train to Beit She’an? Wow. Or maybe you could take the train all the way to Haifa. I heard they’ve got a great party scene there. Bring your walking shoes.

The Freier then asked Jesus if he had any candidates in mind to replace Tel Megiddo. “Well it needs to be close enough to a good pub. Trust me, after all that destruction, the Forces of Darkness will want to find a nice place to have a drink. And my friends in Jerusalem tell me that Tel Aviv is a hive of debauchery. So that might work. And if we held an epic battle in Atarim Square, it might end up looking nicer. Do you think I should ask for ideas on Secret Tel Aviv?

The Prince of Peace continued. “But the armies really could use some open space, so maybe somewhere in the Sharon? I was thinking of Ra’anana, but honestly I’ve lost touch with all my friends who moved there. It’s like they joined the Witness Protection Program or something.”

As we ended the interview, Jesus made a final request to all candidates for the new Armageddon site. “Let the city that isn’t totally lame cast the first stone.”

 

 

 

 

Blame it On the Rain: Israel Edition

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 10/28/2018 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv: Amid the latest tornado of international events, Israelis were left trying to get their heads around the latest development to hit their war-torn nation: Rain. Ten minutes of torrential rain had Tel Avivians tossing cats out the way to dive into uncollected garbage bins, while Brits wandered around saying: “Oooh. It’s spitting.”

Combined with driving wind, Israel hasn’t heard so many doors slammed and banged since Sara showed Bibi her MasterCard statement.

Bibi called an emergency session of the cabinet, immediately converting the new fast Jerusalem train into a naval warship and generously opening up a number of prisons as shelters. The Knesset and Supreme Court will take 10,000 people.

Locals concerned with the forecast for this afternoon are advised to pack a flashlight, batteries and pita bread and call *N-O-A-H from their smartphones. Regular charges do apply, so just stop by Golan on the way home and give them a bunch of money.

 

Elderly Israeli who always cuts you in line is excited for new law that lets him cut you in line

Israel Tel Aviv Daily FreierBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/6/2018 at 10:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Milano: A recent Law mandating that elderly Israelis can cut to the front of lines in pharmacies, banks, post offices, and other public services has many Israelis very excited, including the older gentleman in your neighborhood who has been cutting you in line at the supermarket, bank, and post office for the last four years anyway. The Daily Freier caught up with Yekutiel S. for his views on the new law.

This is amazing news, it shows that we’re really one big family. You know, Am Yisrael Chai.” Yekutiel explained, as he created his very own new line for the cheese counter at the Supersel on Ibn Gavriol Boulevard. “But honestly, I’ve been doing fine. To tell you the truth, I haven’t actually waited on line since 1972.”

The Daily Freier then asked Yekutiel how exactly he has been able to manage not waiting on lines without the benefit of legal protection. “So if I’m at the Post Office, I’ll ask if my friend Hanan is working.  If he’s working, great, he comes up from the back room, I hand him my package to mail, we talk for a while, and then I leave.  If Hanan’s not working, then I ask the clerk when he will be back, we talk for a while, and then I tell the clerk that I just have a package to send and I hand it to them and thank them before they have time to object. It’s really that easy.”

But what about the Banks?” inquired the Daily Freier. “Recently, Bank HaPoalim has actually attempted to actually force customers wait their turn!”

“Oh that’s too easy.” replied Yekutiel. “Just walk right up and ‘Rak Shealot’. But last week for the first time that didn’t work, so I told the lady how I once worked in a bank. And I talked to her for 10 minutes about what it was like to work in a bank before computers. Punchcards. Stuff like that. I could tell she was busy, so after a while I told her that I just needed to move some money to my checking account and then I would be on my way…..Also, once in a while I just pretend to be French.

The Daily Freier then followed Yekutiel as he walked to the Post Office to pay his water bill. As we entered the building and he prepared to do the trick where he stands next to the guy in front of you and pretends to know him then slowly sidles between the two of you, he spied the automatic kiosk that dispenses numbers for the queue. Yekutiel stared at the machine in awe.

“What IS this thing anyway?”

UPDATE: Once he figured out how the Postal Kiosk “numbers” system worked, he began methodically collecting every number “For Later” and he held out a plastic bag full of kiosk receipts representing every number between 1 and 999.