(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Lee Saunders
Last Updated 11/23/2016 at 8:00 AM
London: The twin shock wins of Brexit and Apprentice host Donald Trump have produced an unexpected surge in violent protests and assaults among nursery rhyme characters.
Lazy chav Humpty Dumpty was arrested in England for racially attacking Polish construction
workers after he fell from a retaining wall, which left him unable to get disability benefits for a fractured fibula. Also arrested was an angry Little Miss Muffet for throwing her old tuffet, the only furniture she had left after IKEA relocated all its branches to Ireland.
Old Macdonald left his barren farm, together with Mary, who had to eat her little lamb or go to a food shelter, and Little Bo Peep, who did lose her entire flock …to a lousy exchange rate, to show moral support for poor Baa Baa Black Sheep. Baa had no wool left after the EU stopped its subsidies, killing off his farm and it also refused to import the three bags full that he had produced because of EU quotas applicable to Brexit Britain.
Meanwhile, Stateside, Jill was left seething after boyfriend Jack, who went to fetch her a pail of water, broke his crown but was left uninsured to see a dentist after Trump threw out Obamacare.
Over at the Spout, Itsy Bitsy Spider failed to climb it when the sun didn’t come out to dry the rain after Donald ripped up America’s pledge to curb greenhouse gases.
And having kissed all the girls and made them cry, Georgie Porgie avoided a harassment lawsuit and was given a cabinet position by Trump, in quite a turnaround for li’l Georgie. When the boys came out to play, Georgie didn’t always run away so he was forced to undergo the ‘conversion’ therapy urged (and experienced) by VP Mike-on-the-down-low Pence.
By Emily Goldstein and Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 11/22/2016 at 7:00 PM
Nunnelly, Tennessee: Troubled former Congressman/Freakiest Jew we know/Twitter aficionado/Huma’s Ex, Anthony Weiner is in the spotlight once again, after a filly he rode at his sex addiction clinic claimed that they have been engaged in an online sexting relationship since soon after his arrival at the rural Tennessee locale. “Lightning”, a 3-year-old Palomino, claims that she first initiated contact with Mr. Weiner based on her admiration for his progressive values, but that the conversation quickly took a different turn.
“When Anthony first got here, I was just so excited. I followed him in Congress when he stood up for Medicaid and 9/11 First Responders, and just wanted to thank him for everything he did for the Progressive Cause. I never thought things would get weird and sexual. OK….. I mean we’re talking Anthony Weiner, so I thought ‘ Hey, maybe things will get weird and sexual‘, but then I was like ‘But hey! I’m a horse!‘ You know what I’m saying?”
Yet that is exactly what happened. Lightning, who won’t be a mare until next Spring, continued. “Soon our chats got freakier and freakier. I knew things were spinning out of control when he asked for pictures of me posing without a saddle.”
As the Daily Freier dug deeper into the story, Lightning admitted that she leaked the story after finding out that Mr. Weiner was also exchanging texts with a Clydesdale named Ruby, an Apaloosa named Far Lap, and a Shetland Pony. “So yeah. Not only was he a bit of a freak, but he was a two, three, four-timing freak.” Lightning stopped for a moment to pick at the alfalfa in her feed bag. “Meeting a nice guy shouldn’t be this difficult.”
When the Daily Freier challenged Lightning that her story was a bit incredulous, she countered. “What…You never heard of a talking horse?”
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Lee Saunders
Last Updated 11/5/2016 at 4:30 PM
Washington: Three hundred million people stateside have been left scratching their heads as both Presidential candidates have dropped out of the U.S. election in as dramatic fashion as it started.
Like the genre of reality show that trumpeted the rise of the Donald, Republican Party leadership told him yesterday: “Donald you’re fired!” as it emerged that the pool of married women left untarnished by Donald for THEM to have affairs with was diminished. He was spotted clinging on to his toupee and golf clubs as he hurried away in a New York cab.
As the news filtered through to a glacial Hillary, she was photographed by the paparazzi, lying in an old pantsuit next to a rusty needle in the sukkah of her son-in-law, smoking a doobie and sucking the juice out of an etrog, insisting “I don’t got no fricking problem, I am gonna castrate the sumbitch.” The Daily Freier’s investigations are inconclusive if she was talking about Anthony Weiner or her husband. There was a knock on the door by men with white coats as Bill looked away, sheepishly at a glossy picture of Monica Lewinsky on the mantlepiece.
Diminished by an embarrassing Brexit, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth made the unusual foray into offering an opinion in the political arena, by bringing up the possibility of renewed British colonialism, saying: “One is happy to take back the United States on a temporary basis until sense and stability have returned, but we demand that they keep Spice Girl Mel B. Oh and Piers Morgan too.”
Ms. Clinton was sad. Sad Sad Sad.
‘Cuz Congress had questions and it was looking quite bad.
Hillary gathered her pals and told them the news
The Senator got wise to the server in the loo.
But what shall we do?
“We need to wipe the server clean. Who has the Bleach Bit?”
“I do!” said Sid. “Last name is Blumenthal and Max is my kid!”
“Who will smash the 13 Cell Phones?”
“I can!” said Huma with plenty of verve. “Right after evicting Dick Pic McPerv!”
“Can we get immunity?”
Bill said it’s a cinch. “I can talk on the plane with Loretta Lynch.”
Hillary asked “But what of the Fed? And their investigation?”
“Just leave it to me, No problem homie. I run the FBI and my name’s Mr. Comey.”
“Who will spin the networks?”
“I can!” replied the Podesta named John. “CNN, CBS, NBC, they’re all in on our con!”
“But wait!” wondered Hil. “Who will supervise the interns while everyone’s busy?”
“I got this.”
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 10/15/2016 at 12:30 PM
Fort Collins, Colorado: In the latest twist to an unpredictable election season, Libertarian candidate for President Gary Johnson has temporarily suspended his campaign in order to compete at next week’s Hacky Sack tournament in Boulder. The Daily Freier caught up with the candidate when their minivan stopped at a local brewpub/bike repair shop for a campaign rally.
“I know running for President is important.” explained former New Mexico Governor Johnson as we sat at the table in the back of the mini-van. “But I missed last year’s tournament and I’ll be darned if I miss two years in a row.” Governor Johnson pushed away a bottle of Febreze, a toilet paper roll with a fabric softener sheet lining the inside, and a hollowed out apple with some sort of resin on it as he cleared space on the table to chart out his strategy for the tournament. “Two years ago I made it to the quarter-final round before getting eliminated. There’s a lot of luck in who you draw for your circle, but it also helps to just show up with a good vibe and not be a dick. That’s usually good enough to get you to the second or third round. I kinda lost track of time, but it felt like we had the sack in the air for hours. Stoked.”
As a campaign aide placed a cassette marked “Phish Binghamton April ’94” into the minivan’s tape deck, Governor Johnson called a brief halt to the interview. “Can we just chill for a sec? I think this is the one where they closed with ‘Highway to Hell’ done a capella.”
With less than a month to go before the election, the move to suspend the campaign for a week met with some internal friction within the Johnson-Weld team. In fact, Johnson’s campaign aide described running mate former Massachusetts Governor William Weld as “being a total buzzkill about the whole thing“. Yet Governor Johnson was not swayed by any dissent. “Weld’s good people,” Johnson noted, as he rolled some sort of cigarette on a pristine white binder labeled “Foreign Policy“ that appeared to be in its original plastic wrapper, “but sometimes he just needs to chill. Besides, we just need a few days to unwind. Catch some rays. Maybe do a nice bike ride down to the Springs. Plus I got a bro down there who just opened his own climbing gym.”
As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Governor Johnson discreetly asked us if we “wanted to go in on a bag“.