By Aaron Pomerantz & Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 5/15/2018 at 10:30 PM
Jerusalem, Crave Gourmet Street Food: With tensions high following yesterday’s opening of the U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem, experts are bracing for a serious escalation. That’s right: a whole bunch of articles, posts, and Blog entries by Times of Israel editor/author Sarah Tuttle-Singer. And Can I Just Tell You? Things are about to get real. The Daily Freier spoke with multiple sources on and off the record to find out just what the heck is about to happen.
“I know that Turkey recalled its Ambassadors to the United States and Israel yesterday, and I guess that’s kind of important.” stated a Western European Ambassador posted in Tel Aviv. “But what if Sarah writes an article tomorrow where she sips spiced wine and discusses the Occupation with two Lesbian settlers and a Christian Arab clockmaker on a rooftop in the Armenian Quarter at 3 AM. Then what, huh? ”
Others were equally pessimistic, including an unnamed official from the Jewish Agency. “What if she gets together with a Slovakian backpacker with A-MA-ZING cheekbones and an Imam from Nazareth who tells risqué jokes in Yiddish…. and they decide to solve the worlds problems over a pack of Marlboro Lites? We’re simply not prepared.”
“I hear she’s been illegally stockpiling Laphroaig Anecdotes in contravention to Established Treaties.” whispered a U.N Peacekeeper at Mike’s Place while on R&R from his base in the Golan. “And you never know when she will decide to use them.”
Yet despite feelings of angst throughout the City, there were others who seemed more optimistic. “I’m pretty relaxed about the whole thing.” noted The Gay Mizrahi Truck Driver Who Always Sells The Best Pomegranates.
(Photo Credit: Wikipedia)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 12/27/2017 at 8:00 PM
Hofif Covfefe: The town elders of this hamlet in Central Israel are very excited after Donald Trump’s recent decision to move the American Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. And now they want to do something to show just how much gratitude they have for the Donald. Therefore, as of 1 January 2018, the town of Hofit will heretofore be referred to as “Covfefe“. The Daily Freier set out to visit Hofit, so we took the train to Netanya in hopes of taking a bus from there. But since we don’t speak French, we couldn’t understand what anyone was saying and we missed the bus to Hofit and had to hitchhike. But we eventually got there and interviewed “the man (and woman!) on the street”.
“We just wanted to show President Trump how much we appreciated his courage.” explained City Manager Yoni C. “And what better way to honor Mr. Trump than to name our little town after that word he accidentally invented on Twitter last Spring.”
While Yoni was optimistic about the change, some residents had their reservations. Local Rabbi Avi T. explained. “First of all, nobody knows what Covfefe actually is. So we don’t actually know if there is a special Bracha that might be necessary. Secondly, we still aren’t positive how it’s spelled in Hebrew. With a Kuf or a Kaf? This might sound silly, but there are serious Gematric implications for this.”
As the Daily Freier got ready to leave, the guys from Egged were already changing the name on the Bus Stop.
Ramallah- Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas “condemned in the strongest terms” Israel’s “disproportionate and indiscriminate” response to tomorrow’s completely spontaneous riots. Tomorrow’s riots will be a grass-roots, spur of the moment populist reaction to President Donald Trump’s decision to move the United States Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, and will begin approximately 15 minutes after mid-morning prayers. Abbas described Israel’s “Barbaric” attack on tomorrow’s peaceful protesters at a news conference this evening.
(We’re published on Israellycool today. Go check it out!)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 12/23/2016 at 3:00 PM
Tel Aviv, HaYarkon: As a certain President-Elect (Also known as HaShem’s early Chanukah gift to humor writers) selects a team that appears to actually really really want to move the United States Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, voices are crying out against such a radical move. Voices that are saying “Stop! Such a unilateral move is too risky! You’re going to ruin everything we have worked for!” Are these the words of noted diplomat and windsurfer John Kerry? The President who knows what’s good for Israel better than Israel knows what’s good for Israel? The New York Times? Purveyor of Received Wisdom Thomas Friedman? Not really. Actually, these are the words of Benny, the guy with the shop across from the U.S. Embassy on HaYarkon Street, who will hold your phone for the mere price of 15 Shekels while you are doing whatever you are doing in there.
The Embassy, whose strict rule of Absolutely No Cellphones on site has forced its Israeli Local Hire employees to sext each other via fax, has proven to be a goldmine to the guy in the shop across the street with the World’s Greatest Business Model. Specifically: Open a Shop Across From The U.S Embassy and Charge People 15 Shekels to Hold Their Cellphones While They are Inside the U.S. Embassy. Benny explained his philosophy.
“I don’t understand why you would want to move the Embassy. You have everything here. the beach, restaurants….me. Think about it. When you need a place to put your phone? Boom! Here I am! And how can you be sure that the guy who takes your phone in Jerusalem will be up to the job? He will probably have to close the shop for Shachrit, Mincha, and the rest of that stuff. Me? I’m always here. Am Yisrael Chai. God Bless the USA.”
Benny continued to explain his specific predicament. “My wife doesn’t know about the Embassy move yet. And I saw her pricing tickets on the Internet for a trip to Rome this Spring. And new furniture for the living room. I’m dying over here. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I can call Mister Trump. He seems like a regular guy. Maybe we can make a deal.”
Before making the call, Benny plans to gather other concerned stakeholders to include the Embassy Marine guards, who have come to appreciate being stationed 50 meters from Tel Aviv Beaches full of women from Tel Aviv, the bartender at Mike’s Place who needs to save up for a trip to South America, and the State Department Employees who will need to lie to their wives/husbands/significant others and say that Jerusalem really really has a great night life….you just need to look a littler harder.
By Mia Deych
Last Updated 12/17/2016 at 8:00 PM
Kikar Rabin: Iriyat Tel Aviv has decided to take on the difficult task of turning Israelis into law-abiding citizens. In order to achieve this valiant feat, a team from the Code Enforcement Department had to think outside the box to come up with a creative decision.
Hadas S., team lead on the project, shared her vision with The Daily Freier: “Every single Israeli has some real or imagined relatives in the United States and every single Israeli has thought of moving there at least once in their lifetime. Have you ever seen how tranquil and amenable Israelis are when they wait in a line to apply for American visas? That was the key!” Now, instead of giving tickets and fines, Tel Aviv Municipality will forward the names, addresses, and nicknames of scofflaws to The U.S. State Department, which agreed to place them on a Blacklist for 1 to 10 years depending on their deeds.
One of the first “victims” of the new law, Shlomi from Lod, who nearly hit two pedestrians as they crossed the street next to Habima Theatre, because “nobody stops at the zebra crossing there”, parked his car in the bike lane on Sheinkin Street, because “everybody parks there”, and met his cousin’s brother-in-law’s friend to discuss “some business”, won’t be able to apply for a U.S. visa within next two years. The Daily Freier was on the scene to hear Shlomi’s lament: “This is illegal! My aunt’s neighbours’ family live in Florida and my sister-in-law’s son lives in New York. Also, I have “some business” there”.
Shlomi is not the only indignant Israeli devastated by the new law. Doron, owner of a chain of laundromats, found out about it from the morning newspaper. “What do they expect from us? Watch for speed limits? Don’t litter? Or… pay taxes to Bituach Leumi?! I mean this is Israel, not America or something…” Doron silently reflected for a few seconds, turned the music up louder, and returned to reading his newspaper.