Tel Aviv, HaNamal- A local guy is “really in a weird place right now” about the looming decision he must make: exactly which Speedo to buy in preparation for Tel Aviv’s Summer Beach Season. “This is exhausting……I…..I just feel overwhelmed.” sighed an exasperated Shlomi P. as he browsed shops at Tel Aviv’s upscale Namal Port. Shlomi constantly weighed the different factors in his head that would influence his purchase. “I put on some weight this winter in the gut….and so I want a Speedo that will really accurately reflect this…..you know…..Just a real spillover effect. But at the same time, I want a Speedo that is loose enough that I can carry my Smart Phone in there.” (* Editor’s Note: We actually saw a guy pull his phone out of his Speedos once, and our therapist says that if we continue with our progress, we may un-see this event within two years.)
When it comes to the Speedo purchase, Shlomi must deal with multiple potential conflicts. Not only must Shlomi deal with his own body image issues, bu there is also the hidden menace of peer pressure. “Is there judgment going on when you hit the beach? Definitely. You do NOT want to be caught out there wearing last year’s Speedo.”
As he continued to browse the shops, Shlomi stressed that his Speedo purchase is a form of self-expression, a chance to build his brand. “Not everyone on the beach wearing a Speedo is who they say they are. There’s a lot of imposters out there. But I’m just going to keep on keeping it real. Wait….does this navy blue play up my tucchus? Because I’ve been doing some squats in the gym this winter.”
Gaza City: Famed singer/songwriter/activist/dick Roger Waters is in serious but stable condition after getting caught in the collapse of a tunnel southeast of Gaza City earlier today. The Daily Freier was at the scene when a representative from the Palestinian Red Crescent briefed the assembled press. “It was approximately 3:00 PM when the Zionist Entity and its Egyptian lackeys triggered a cave-in of the tunnel, trapping 3 of our pious and motivated young tunnelers, as well as our bizarre but helpful friend Mister Roger Waters.”
When asked by MSNBC how rescue workers were able to find Mr. Waters, the spokesperson explained. “The tunnel was impassable to humans at this point, so we brought in Farfour the Mouse. He was able to find our friend by homing in on the intense scent of bitter self-righteousness that emanated from his body even when he was unconscious. Incidentally, this was exactly how we found Jimmy Carter after he accidentally wandered into the Sand Dunes last year during Ramadan.”
For his part, Roger Waters was insistent that he had done nothing wrong. “I know that the Zionists and their friends in the press will try to spin this in some negative light, but I was merely in the tunnel for its acoustics. You see, I’m recording a new single “Indigenous Olive Oil Can Flow Through Any Wall”, and I really needed just the right sound. But I think the vibrations from the snare drum may have set off a tremor and destroyed the tunnel.”
(Photo Credit: Our Friends at Ulpan Gordon Who Know That We Love Them Even If We Make Fun of Them)
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 2/20/2016 at 9:20 PM
Tel Aviv: The Levy family of Rehovot are one savvy Mishpachah. Looking at the financial cost of fulfilling their dream vacation to the City of Light, they opted for a far less expensive alternative: spending two weeks at Tel Aviv’s Ulpan Gordon language school. “We really just wanted to immerse ourselves in the French experience: To hear nothing but people speaking French. Eat nothing but French food. To really feel like we were in a different country. But between plane tickets, hotels, and tour costs, we just couldn’t afford it.” explained husband Danny. “And then we looked at Ulpan Gordon, and it met all of our needs. It basically feels like France but with better weather.”
The Daily Freier also spoke with Danny’s wife Smadar in the school courtyard as she smoked cigarettes, drank coffee and chatted with her classmates in French during break. “Our kids have been studying French in school for 3 years. But they’re surrounded by too much Hebrew in the home and can never practice. Ulpan Gordon fixed that. The kids are able to cross-talk with their classmates in French the entire class. I mean, sure the teacher tried to get them to speak in Hebrew, but after a while she kinda gave up.”
Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: Recent American immigrant Doron D. has just had an epiphany: every single piece of clothing, furniture, and kitchenware that he owns was found on the curb or the sidewalk, with the exception of his Yoga Mat, which he got for free off of Secret Tel Aviv.
As an Oleh Hadash, Doron feels as if his actions are in fact honoring his ancestors who lived off the land he walks today. When the Daily Freier asked him for an example, Doron described how he found his mattress. “So I was walking down Ibn Gavriol, and, there it was. Kinda used, but I’ve seen worse. Usually I would be grossed out by the smell of pee. But then I thought about where I am and what I’m doing with my life, and I realized that this is the Jewish state and the Jewish people didn’t survive for three thousand years by turning up free crap they found on the street. “
Despite his good fortune, Doron explained that his thrift has its drawbacks. “So I had a girl over the other night for dinner and she saw the Osem cardboard display cases that I use as shelves in my living room. She asked me where I got them and I told her that I found them behind the Super Yuda store …..Then she took a cab home because she was tired and had to work in the morning.”
Sometimes Doron’s survival strategy works out in such a way as to create a public Mitzvah. “Somebody on Janglo was giving away a free guitar. So this other girl wanted the guitar because she is going off to study Hebrew at a Kibbutz up North, but I snagged it first. She’s kinda upset, but I’ve heard her play. Like EVERYONE on that Kibbutz should thank me. I mean EVERYBODY.”
We had a bunch of other questions for Doron, but as we were walking he saw somebody across the street putting an old denim jean jacket on a park bench and he left without saying goodbye.
Jerusalem: Israeli supermodel and renowned IDF non-veteran Bar Refaeli was hauled before the Knesset Emergency Committee (KEC) this week to explain how her recent wedding almost dragged Israel into the Syrian civil war and engulfed the country in a fight with Lebanon. Stressed out about the secret wedding photographs being auctioned to trashy magazines, Refaeli bought two drones to hover 1,000 feet above the chuppah in northern Israel in order to deter local and global media attention. When the batteries in the remote control failed, the drones drifted towards Beirut, and the Lebanese militia called in reinforcements. It turned out that Refaeli, who has received free cars, free apartments and was recently under investigation for tax evasion, had not bought the drones but they were actually a remote control airplane with a cellphone camera attached, belonging to her cousin’s neighbor’s former roommate’s eight year-old little cousin Asaf.
Vowing revenge, the fanatical Hezbollah promised no stone would be left unturned in their hunt for the culprits. Unconfirmed reports from local gossip media magazine “Salaam Beirut” alleged that Hassan Nasrallah was aggrieved at not being invited to the wedding. At the moment that orders were given to shoot down the camera-with-wings, Refaeli’s bridesmaids accidentally knocked the remote control out of Asaf’s hands, sending the drone nosediving towards the ISIS-held Syrian village of Beit-al-wadi-forgot-the-rest.
Summoned before the Knesset, she told court reporters: “I am sorry for the balagan, I could not take any chances. I heard one of the religious magazines were sending in under-cover rabbis to officiate and the whole thing made me panic. I am genuinely sorry I never served in the IDF and dodged tax but I never wanted to hurt my country. I didn’t enlist because I felt dating Leonardo Dicaprio and being seen on Fox billboards were good ways to raise Israel’s profile abroad. Am Yisrael Chai.” Before leaving with a suspended fine, she announced that she was pregnant with her first child. Although little Refaeli is not expected until later this year, the nation began to check their bomb shelters and started downloading “Red Alert” in advance.
Vancouver Federation spokesperson David G. explained his organization’s stance. “When we saw Ms. Zoabi’s performance in Amsterdam for Kristallnacht, we were just blown away. Simply amazing how she commemorated a solemn memorial to the Holocaust by trashing Israel. So we really hoped we could book her to do a Spoken Word Poetry Slam. But unfortunately, she just had too much on her plate. It is for this reason that we booked Ms. Nini, and we are sure she will do just as well!”
For her part, Noa plans a performance that will include (Spoiler Alert!) some of her original works, plus some songs by Roger Waters.
Reaction from Israel’s political arena was swift, with Naftali Bennett declaring that since Noa is now recognized as a political expert, that he plans to release a hip-hop album. Yet at the same time, many of Noa’s fans are traveling from near and far to see her. The Daily Freier spoke to longtime fan Dickie Silverstein. “I really want to come up from Seattle for the concert, so I went on my blog to solicit donations to pay for my bus ticket and a room at the Super 8. So far I’ve raised enough money to get to Bellingham. I can’t wait!”
While Yom Ha’atzmaut 2016 is still months away, planning is already underway for Vancouver’s 2017 event. “I can’t stress enough just how long it takes to plan these events to perfection. It is for this reason that we have already set up a committee to plan next year’s event.” When the Daily Freier asked David for specifics on what they could expect, he coyly stated “All I can say is: Cat Stevens, call your agent!”
Reserva natural de Gamla, en el Golán: El buitre acusado de ser “un espía del Mossad” y que fue capturado la semana pasada en el sur de Líbano ha sido devuelto a Israel con la ayuda de las Naciones Unidas, pero ese no ha sido el final de la historia. El buitre, que atiende por “Eddie“, ha decidido unirse al polémico grupo de extrema izquierda de veteranos del IDF conocido como “Rompiendo el Silencio“, un grupo cuya actividad se basa en presentar testimonios y acusaciones sin pruebas en contra de Israel.
No es sorprendente por lo tanto que ese movimiento de “Eddie” haya dado lugar a manifestaciones de animosidad por parte de algunos de sus ex compañeros espías del reino animal. De hecho, “Eddie” y el famoso delfín espía han estado ocupados durante buena parte del fin de semana en intercambiar insultos en las redes sociales. A medida que la guerra de palabras se intensificó, Daily Freier fue capaz de hablar con “Eddie” a través de Skype.
“¿El delfín? Es un fanfarrón. Siempre se trataba de él. No sólo eso, sino que también existía una especie de racismo, siempre estaba recordándome que los mamíferos eran los más avanzados evolutivamente. Menudo imbécil“, nos comentó “Eddie“.
Eddie continuó expresándose sobre sus antiguos compañeros. “Ah, y por cierto… todas esas supuestamente estúpidas historias sobre animales espías de Israel… 100% verdad. ¿El cernícalo que los turcos analizaron a través de una máquina de rayos X en busca de equipos de espionaje? Deberían haberlo investigado más profundamente. ¿El colibrí que fue interrogado por un equipo turco contra el terrorismo? Era de nuevo cosa nuestra. ¿Los tiburones que acechaban en las playas de Sinaí? Fuimos nosotros otra vez. ¿Los cerdos salvajes que asolan Cisjordania? Nosotros los liberamos todas las noches… Pero no se base sólo en mi palabra… !! oiga lo que dice el presidente Abbas de ello !! ¿El buitre capturado por los saudíes en 2011? Era primo mío… pero ya no se habla de ellos. Todos mis ex compañeros buitres espías están ahora mismo alimentándose de una res ovina cerca del Kineret. ¿Pero me han invitado a mí? No. Y no es que esté amargado. Ser un portavoz de la verdad no es un camino fácil“.
En un esfuerzo por seguir adelante, “Eddie” tiene previsto recorrer los campus universitarios a lo largo de la costa este de los EEUU como parte de una gira de “diálogo y reconciliación” con un abejorro de Hamas a finales de esta primavera
“It started out so cool. I was just surfing Secret Tel Aviv, checking for apartments in the city, and you know, seeing if anybody might be selling their porn collection this week. And then, Bam! I saw her post and immediately responded. And she wrote back! I felt pretty good. I mean, I beat out 37 other Israeli guys who PM’d her within 7 minutes of the post going online. And unlike those idiots, at least I once used the same laundry service….. So we dated for a while. And then, you know how these things go, we each filed restraining orders with the police that forbid us from coming within 200 meters of one another…. I’m still almost positive that she poisoned my houseplants.”
Later that day the Daily Freier spoke with Lisa in a location that complied with all recent court orders. “So yeah, he was my Prince Charming. If Prince Charming was a 29-year-old two-timing sex addict who lived with his parents in Kfar Sabah.” Lisa continued. “The first night we hooked up we were at his parents’ house. But he had to work the next morning. So his Aunt and Uncle were driving into the city and drove me home. Some people have a walk of shame. I had a Car Pool of shame.”
Lisa then explained how happy her friends were for her at first. “After we started dating, one of my girlfriends thought that, hey, if it worked for me, it could work for her. So she also posted on Secret Tel Aviv with pictures of guy’s undergarments in her laundry. So some guy from London started corresponding back and forth with her. He seemed really nice. And, yada yada yada, the police in Finchley gave him an ASBO.”
Lisa explained the moment she realized that things were going wrong. “He kept leaving the room to check his phone. And them I found out he was also trolling Secret Jerusalem responding to a woman’s post that the Tallit Katan she found in her dry cleaning were actually his. What the hell? But I’m not finished….. So we went to his cousins’ kibbutz up north for a week. And he keeps “running into his ex”. Everyone knows each other there. Like, it’s not that big. And he thought he could hook up with two girls at the same time on a tiny kibbutz and keep it discreet? He can’t even keep track of the location of his underwear!”
In order to ensure that all sides had their say, the Daily Freier allowed Shlomi to respond to these allegations. “Sure the whole thing was definitely a Cinderella moment. If Cinderella had control issues and hated your friends…..And now she’s demanding full custody of our pet ferret Chris.”
Jerusalem, HaKotel: The progressive Jewish community both in Israel and abroad is celebrating the recent ruling allowing women to pray at the Western Wall while wearing Talit, wrapping Tefillin, and holding the Torah. Yet while many in the Progressive World are applauding these steps, other voices feel that the struggle is not over. “We demand full equality, and we will only have this when we have the right to perform all of the activities that are traditionally performed by men.” noted Rabbi Miriam G. as she began furiously daytrading an IPO on her I-Phone during Silent Amidah. “It is time to break down these artificial constructs and free ourselves.” she said while walking around telling total strangers that she didn’t like the way they wrapped their Tefillin.
The Daily Freier also had the opportunity to hear from activist Tirza W. “This is not just a victory for Women of the Wall, this is a victory for inclusion and equality.” she observed, shortly before falling into a coma-like sleep as the Rabbi began her Divrei Torah on this week’s portion.
At this point the Daily Freier left the premises, as the women ignored us to angrily debate the referee’s calls in yesterday’s game.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.