Category: The IDF

Haredim end Anti-Draft Riots “because it was starting to feel like a job”

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 2/16/2017 at 3:00 PM

Jerusalem, Mea She’arim: The rioting by some members of the Haredi Community against conscription in the Israeli Army began to break up today, because after a week of activity many of them complained that it felt like a job. Like where you have to show up to work at the same time and place every day or something. The Daily Freier’s resident Semi-on-the-Derech reporter Yekutiel Bornstein was on the scene getting all of the facts.

At first, everything was fine.” noted protester Moshe D. “We beat up a Haredi guy who volunteered for the Army, blocked traffic, and pulled the tail of a police horse. Good times…. But after a few days, it just got weird. Being expected to show up. Day in, day out. No matter the weather. And being expected to do things. It felt like a…..like a…. not sure the word for this.”

Like a job?” interjected the Daily Freier helpfully

Yeah, that’s it. Like a job. And we’re not having that.

The Daily Freier also tried to get to the heart of the matter by learning the motivations of the protesters. “The Government’s rules are ridiculous. I mean, it’s not like the Torah instructs us to defend Eretz Yisrael with our life or anything like that. So we really want the public to understand our situation and sympathize it.” explained semi-permanent Yeshiva student Yakov C.  “That’s why we decided to block traffic during rush hour and call Law Enforcement officers ‘Nazis’ and female officers ‘Shiksas’. I think we’re making real progress.”

Finally, the Daily Freier asked the Law Enforcement who responded to the riots for their perspective on the events. Jerusalem Police Sergeant Avner H. gave his impression. “This was a difficult protest to break up. These guys were tough, lots of fight in them.” The Daily Freier asked Sergeant Avner if there was a way to prevent such riots from occurring in the future.  Avner thought for a moment and replied “That’s a good question. If only there was some sort of organized activity that channels the aggression and energy of young men while providing them discipline and structure…..But I can’t think of anything right now, can you?

 

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Hamas catfishing plot busted after “Israeli girls” discussed no post-Army plans to do drugs in Goa or sell Dead Sea products in a Texas mall

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/16/2017 at 10:30 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya: Israel is still in shock after the revelation that Hamas conducted an online espionage campaign against Israeli soldiers by posing as attractive Israeli women. The “women” infiltrated Facebook groups of Israeli soldiers and veterans, and attempted to gather classified information through “catfishing” innocent and unsuspectingly horny Israeli guys. The IDF revealed the plot late last week and explained how they busted the ring: the failure of the “women” to mention all the drugs they’re going to do at a rave in India when they finish their Army service, along with their failure to describe a plan to sell Dead Sea skin cream with their cousin out of a kiosk in a mall outside of Houston. The IDF unveiled the details in a Press Conference today, so The Daily Freier walked down to their Headquarters to check things out for ourselves.

The IDF spokesperson was flanked on stage by a panel of soldiers who found themselves caught up in the plot. The spokesperson then started a PowerPoint presentation and outlined all of the clues that led to the failure of the Hamas plan. “So let’s look at some of the texts.” explained Captain Tomer K. “At first, this appears like a target-rich environment for Hamas. Specifically, by approaching Israeli guys, they chose a demographic that will seemingly say or do anything to get laid …..But wait.Here we have a text where the supposed woman, “Stav”, is seemingly unfamiliar with the concept of hard-selling Dead Sea products in an Ohio mall next to the Forever 21 shop.” Tomer then summoned a soldier to the podium to give his testimonial.

I was talking to this girl named Orit. And everything seemed chill. So I started bragging about all the hash I smoked in Laos.” explained Danny C.  “And then she said that drugs are haram. Also she never complained about the price of cheese.”

Captain Tomer continued his presentation. “So here is the profile of another Hamas spy.  Notice how she does not indicate any plans to get her scuba instructor license in Cancun. Nor does her Facebook history reveal any stories of showing up at the Kathmandu Chabad for Pesach while tripping on mushrooms. Dead giveaway.

Captain Tomer summoned another soldier named Yair to the podium to give his testimony. “So I started chatting with this one girl named Tamar. She seemed really chill and down to earth. She didn’t start arguing with me at any point. So yeah… I just knew that something wasn’t right….. Then I told her that I am going to Amsterdam with friends for a week, and that we were going to stay 7 to a room in our hotel. She replied that if you rent a double occupancy hotel room, that only 2 people should stay there….and that it is inappropriate to take towels or bathrobes from the establishment. Right after that I called my Commander and told him something was wrong.

Finally, Captain Tomer brought up one of the true victims of the affair, a woman whose identity had been stolen, alert local Ronit S.  She explained her shock at the entire series of events. “So I got a call from my mom last Thursday and she told me to turn on the TV. And there was my face. This is just so humiliating.” Ronit then motioned to the assembled soldiers on stage. “I just don’t understand how any of them felt that they would ever have a chance with me.

The Press Conference experienced a bit of a diversion after Ronit explained that while the profile using her photo was NOT her, she does in fact have a fitness and nutrition themed Instagram account. Ronit then commandeered the PowerPoint remote from Captain Tomer in order to display a series of slides showing her doing leg lifts in HaYarkon Park while wearing spandex and a crop top, the new healthy smoothies that she is marketing online, and her cute basset hound named Chris.

Mystical protective Cloud on the Golan already planning his post-IDF trip to India

(Photo Credit: Youtube)

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/10/2016 at 1:30 PM

Golan Heights, Israel (Sorry Bashar): The mysterious dark pillar of clouds that stood between an IDF patrol and ISIS on the Golan Heights last week already has big plans for what’s he’s going to do after the army. The vertical cumulus cloud, named ‘Boaz’, said he is ‘counting down the days‘ until the end of his enlistment, at which point he and some of his army buddies plan to go on a 3 month trip to India and Nepal that he says “is going to be sick“, “really crazy” and “just out of control“. Boaz, who comes from a family of storm clouds from outside of Israel and therefore qualifies as a Chayal Boded or “Lone soldier”, finishes his enlistment next May. The Daily Freier Caught up with Boaz on Thursday night at a bar on Dizengoff street as he enjoyed a weekend pass with a few of the guys from his unit.

Boaz told us that they chose this particular bar on Dizengoff “because one of the guys in my squad said he had a bit of luck here“. When we arrived, Boaz and his buddies spotted several women from a “MASA” exchange program sitting by themselves and they quickly introduced themselves and sat down at their table. Soon, Boaz stretched out, exhaled, leaned back in his chair and nonchalantly wrapped his cloud arms behind the back of two young women as he told them stories about his Army duty and how just this week he “like saved my entire platoon from ISIS“.

Later, Boaz admitted that while he is getting a lot of credit for last week’s encounter, he has also gotten in some trouble during his enlistment. Last year, he received non-judicial punishment from his company commander after a prank he played against the Mossad Spy Vulture went horribly wrong. “That bird is just an idiot. So I created an updraft of hot air while he was flying. Unfortunately, that accidentally forced him into Lebanese air space where he was captured. Last I checked he was home free and had joined ‘Breaking the Silence‘ or something. And I got 30 days confined to base.”

While Boaz can’t get out of the army fast enough, he also mentioned that after India he may want to go back to school, get a meteorology degree, and come back as a weather officer. “I don’t think they can say no. I mean I don’t just know about weather. I AM weather.

But for now, Boaz just wants to dream about what his trip will be like. “Just hang out on the beach in Goa and maybe smoke a bit. Rent a moped. Go to an ashram and just chill. Maybe go backpacking. I actually have some cousins over there who are cirrus clouds, so it will be nice to see them again.” Boaz also explained that on this trip being a cloud would have its advantages. “Sometimes hostels won’t rent to Israeli backpackers because…..well I guess that’s because they once rented to Israeli backpackers…… But I can just show them my second passport from Cloud and everything will be chill.

Boaz’s friends who will accompany him to India include such other mythical enlistees as “The Israel Spy Dolphin“, a talking dog from the K-9 unit, the wild boars that Mahmoud Abbas says Israel releases on the West Bank every night to ruin crops, the Zionist sharks in the Sinai, and the soldier on your Birthright trip who honestly really really isn’t trying to bang you.

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“But I hooked up with a Golani!” American gentile woman pleads case for Aliyah

“But I hooked up with a Golani!” American gentile woman pleads case for Aliyah

(Sort of Based on a True Story, so we sort of changed the names! DM us for the real ones!)

By Emily Goldstein and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/22/2016 at 8:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Savidor: Sincere fan of Israel and Israeli life “Alison” is bound and determined to make Aliyah, but as a Gentile in semi-good standing, she faces a very uphill fight. Yet Alison has never let small details get in the way of her goals. In fact, Alison is now on her way to the Jewish Agency and Nefesh B’ Nefesh in Jerusalem to plead this case under her very unique reading of the Law of Return, specifically the “hands-on support” she provided to a certain lucky dude in the Israel Defense Force’s Golani Brigade off and on for most of last year.  The Daily Freier caught up with Alison at Savidor Bus Terminal as she prepared to take a bus to Jerusalem to present her case.

I honestly don’t know what the big deal is. I mean I love it here.  I really like Passover Seders. I love love love Purim. And besides, Nefesh B’Nefesh already decided to accept your Catholic friend from back home who everyone always thought was kinda Jewish anyway. So there’s like precedent and stuff. Also, I can’t wait to start an Aliyah Blog. Nobody ever does that. It will be unique!”

When the Daily Freier challenged Alison that Aliyah is a difficult task even for Jews and must be supported with documentation, she quickly looked us in the eye and cut us off mid-sentence. “Oh, I’ve earned this. Believe me….. I’ve earned this.

Meanwhile, the Golani soldier at the center of this case who we’ll call “Yonatan”, could not be reached as he was currently on hardship duty, chaperoning a Birthright trip through the Negev. Yet this case has already had dramatic repercussions beyond Golani to units throughout the IDF. Upon hearing of our heroine Alison’s travails, a spokesperson from the Paratroopers indicated that they have extended Liberty next weekend and will be around Tel Aviv by Thursday….plus they have better boots.

UPDATE: In an unexpected bit of good news, the clerk at the Jewish Agency who received Alison’s application also served in Golani so he fast-tracked her Aliyah package……And Oh by the Way, sent her a very…. personal photo…. via fax.

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IDF unveils Olah Hadashah Code Talker Unit

Daily Freier Olah Hadashot Code Talkers

By Emily Goldstein and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/15/2016 at 3:10 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya: Responding to published reports, the IDF acknowledged the existence of a previously secret unit: an Olah Hadashah Code Talking unit. Inspired by the famed Navajo Code Talkers of World War II who confused the Japanese Army by speaking in a dialect known only to members of their tribe, there is now a unit comprised specifically of women who have recently immigrated from North America. And Operation Yeleda Lavana has so far been an amazing success, confusing and confounding Israel’s enemies.  The Daily Freier was able to somehow secure press credentials and sit in on a Press Conference at the Kirya.

IDF Spokesperson Elad L. explained that despite the natural talents of the recruits, extra training was provided by experts in not being understood in Hebrew, to include Israeli Basketball legend Tal Brody.  When asked why there was not a Code Talker unit of Olim Hadashim, Elad explained that there was only so many times that one can say “Bro” in a radio conversation before it loses its meaning. Finally, Elad played an excerpt of an actual radio exchange from the team.

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Operator 1: Gimmel Matayim Shalosh? Zot Rachel, Wait, I mean Aleph Arbaim ve Shmonay.

Operator 2: Lo shamati. Lo shamati.

Operator 1:  Eych omrim command post?

Operator 2 (whispering): OMG my mefaked is So. Hot.

Unknown Male Voice: Pardon me you Zionist She-Jackals. This is Ali. You know, from Hezbollah. I am sorry to interrupt but I must correct your use of future tense with the Peh-Gronit.  You appear to be using the incorrect Binyan in your conversation. It is incredibly difficult for me to even follow this dialogue, and I respectfully ask that you stick to Standard Modern Hebrew. Again, I apologize for the interruption to your hegemonic Zionist conversation. Please continue.

Operator 1: Aval like Lo ivanti?

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Elad admitted that Operation Yeleda Lavana experienced a work stoppage this week after the sushi place on Ibn Gavriol stopped delivering.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Lone Soldier has “No Idea” where Roommate’s Food Went

Lone Soldier Daily Freier groceries

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 6/5/2016 at 11:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Frischman: Tel Aviv resident Rachel G. is at her wit’s end.  After returning from a weekend in Haifa, her refrigerator is empty. And nobody has been in the apartment except her roommate Danny, a Lone Soldier. Yet Danny has told her that the status of the food is a mystery to him as well.

I just don’t get it.” Rachel explained. “I mean, we didn’t know each other before he responded to my ad on Secret Tel Aviv, but we get along fine. He’s been really good about finding things on the street for the apartment.  Just last week he found a mattress, a yoga mat, and a guitar.  And when my parents were in town, he was totally cool with coming to dinner with us at Sarona Market. I mean, they paid, but still.” Rachel continued to mull over the situation. “I just feel betrayed. You know, it’s the ketchup packets from Burger Ranch that hurts the most.”

Fellow Lone soldier Jeremy C. shared his suspicions with the daily Freier. “I guess I figured something was up when I stopped by to play Xbox and he offered me a tuna sandwich. Also, he has a new hat. Yeah, something just doesn’t make sense.

When Jeremy confronted him about his sudden sandwich-production capability, Danny’s alibi was that he already has “lots of canned food that he stole from miluim last week“. Which has the ring of truth to it.

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“But Birthright said Tel Aviv was nothing but hot Army Chicks!”

But Birthright said Tel Aviv was full of hot Army chicks Daily Freier Israel News

This is ridiculous. Birthright are a bunch of damn liars.  According to the brochure I should be riding a camel to a hummus restaurant with like two Army girls by now.  But no. This town is crawling with dudes.  If I wanted a sausage fest, I could have stayed in Jersey for the Summer. I just feel cheated. Especially because I talked so much shit to the bros before I left last week. And now I have no good stories.

And where are all these guys’ clothes?  I don’t get it.  I mean it’s hot out, but not that hot.  It’s hardly June.  And what do all of the flags mean? I just don’t get it.  And why is everyone in such good shape?  That dude over there is ripped.  The cuts on his triceps and abs are ridiculous.  I bet he lifts. I wonder what supplements he uses. Creatine maybe?  I should go ask him.

 

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)