Category: Nefesh B’ Nefesh

Today your Waze navigation advice is from Nefesh B’Nefesh!

So in honor of Israel’s 70th Birthday, President Rivlin lent his voice to the navigation App Waze! But guess what? He wasn’t their first choice! Waze tested several other Israeli public figures and Organizations, yet for various reasons, they just didn’t work out. But the Daily Freier is providing YOU our loyal readers with the transcripts of the rejected applicants. Yesterday we published author/journalist Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s Waze narration. And today we provide you the Waze instructions provided by your Nefesh B’Nefesh Aliyah Counselor. Her name is BatSheva. Or Elisheva. Or Just Sheva. We kinda forgot. Anyhoo, strap in! It’s going to be a Wild Ride!


OMG Hi! Wait, you just did a Semester at Hebrew University??? Wow, that sounds A-MA-ZING! Isn’t Israeli Higher Education Incredible? You know, if you were a citizen, it would be MUCH cheaper! Hint, Hint! …… Ha Ha! Just Kidding! Not Really!

OK, So where are we going today? The Airport? You’re flying to London for an Internship? Ummm, yeah….. Not really feeling that, you know? I mean, No beaches in London, LOL! So yeah, what time is your flight? 3 hours? OK, Fine. What’s that? You think we’re going the wrong way to the airport? Oh no, this is a shortcut. Only Olim know it!

OK, back to your plans. Because to tell you the truth, I really think you should make Aliyah. And Israel is so Diverse! I mean, it’s not just Jerusalem and Tel Aviv. Haifa is Amazing. And there’s the Galilee! Can I interest you in our “Go North” program?

What’s that? You think you’re going to miss your flight to London because it’s been 45 minutes and we still haven’t gotten on the Highway?? Maybe that’s a sign from HaShem! Because to be honest, I think you’re making a Huge Mistake. At the very least you should do a MASA program until you come to your senses and give up this silly idea of living in Chul.

Wait a minute, it looks like we somehow ended up at the Nefesh B’Nefesh Jerusalem office. And we’re just in time for this week’s Aliyah fair! It’s a one-stop shop for you to get all of your paperwork in order. If everything goes right, we can submit your Aliyah application tomorrow morning! Isn’t this incredible? What are the Odds? I mean, Only in Israel, right?

Advertisements

“But if my parents make Aliyah, who will shlep my shopping to Israel?” American Olah sues Nefesh B’ Nefesh

Living the Dream Aliyah Nefesh B' NefeshDISCLAIMER: This article has been submitted by a guest writer and by no means represents the editorial opinion of the Daily Freier. ‘Cuz we mamash love Nefesh B’ Nefesh. Live the Dream!

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 10/29/2017 at 3:30 PM

Ramat Beit Shemesh-Aleph: An American Olah-Sorta-Hadasha has served Nefesh B ‘Nefesh with a restraining order, stipulating that the esteemed Aliyah agency stay no less than 500 meters from her parents and “not to try to reach them on Pinterest.” Ramat Beit Shemesh-Aleph resident Sherrie M. has laid down the law with Nefesh B’Nefesh on behalf of her elderly parents. Nefesh B’ Nefesh is now barred from any contact or communication with Sherry’s parents for a period of 10 years. Speaking from her home, Sherrie explained how distressed she was upon learning that a Nefesh representative had spoken at their family Shul and was passing out brochures.

The fliers said ‘Live the Dream‘. But how do they know what my parents’ dream is? Maybe their dream is to stay in New Jersey and come visit me every four months with three extra suitcases of my online purchases. Did they every think of that? Huh???

They’re selfish! They’re only thinking about themselves and their agenda… shame on them for taking advantage of vulnerable older people like that!” Sherrie fumed while browsing Amazon for pumpkin spice k-cups. “You think two cases is enough? Or should I get three? What about Ziplocs?

Despite all the current drama, Sherrie assured the Daily Freier that she was reasonable and open to compromise. “I would be happy if they spoke with Nefesh once the restraining order is up. Besides, in 10 years Shloimie my oldest boy should be going off to YU. So you know, I will just have Target ship everything to his dorm and he can bring it to me during Spring Break, Summer Break, the Chagim, and Chanukah.

Using their online package tracer, the Daily Freier was able to follow an Amazon delivery truck to the Teaneck, New Jersey home of Murray and Rhonda, Sherrie’s parents. “Our daughter is a true Zionist pioneer and we are so proud of her. Things are difficult over there. Even Target is afraid to ship to them! So if we can help her by bringing a few things, it’s the least we can do.” explained Rhonda. “Imagine if she had to go to the mall. I mean, those are dangerous places! Our ladies tehillim group has been davening for that poor boy lost in Dizengoff center since 2015. Wait…. did he ever make his way out?

Nefesh B’Nefesh brings first plane of post-election whiny Trustafarians to Israel

(TRIGGER WARNING! This article will hurt your feelings.)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/6/2016 at 3:30 PM

Ben Gurion Airport, Israel: With the crushing news that in a nation of 300 Million people there is a chance that other people have different ideas than you, America’s progressive Jewish voices have been crying out. The Daily Freier sent its intrepid reporters to the finest Fair-Trade Food Co-Ops in Brooklyn to find out what the deal is.

This isn’t fair! I just can’t believe how racist Florida, Iowa, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin and Ohio are! ” complained Aviva C. as she sifted through gluten-free pretzels. When the Daily Freier noted that each of these states voted for Barack Obama just 4 years ago, she countered “Well maybe it’s like adult-onset racism?

That’s it. I’m moving to Israel.” complained Danielle B. “I refuse to live in a country that would let a bombastic womanizing demagogue hold public office.

Others were more circumspect. “Like part of me wanted to stay and like Resist and stuff but I’m kinda scared.” explained Jesse T. as he set up chairs for tonight’s “#NotMyPresident” poetry slam benefit. “There’s just so much scary stuff. It’s almost as if  we need an Amendment to the Constitution that would guarantee each citizen the right to self-defense or something.

So with things heating up at home, and moving to Canada inexplicably not as easy as cancelling a gym membership, some in today’s Progressive Jewish Community are deciding to move to a country that they aren’t totally keen on but which is legally obligated to take in their tuchuses. So Nefesh B’Nefesh has been a bit busy, and triumphantly announced the arrival of the first plane in what is quickly being dubbed “The Trustafarian Aliyah”. Our intrepid reported Yuval managed to hitch a ride home on the flight, and boy does he have some stories to tell.

The flight almost did not take off after several Olim set off the metal detectors at JFK Airport because of all the safety pins they were wearing to show “that they were allies”. But the flight took off, and once they celiac/vegan/gluten issues with the meals got sorted out, the flight actually went quite smoothly.

But once everyone arrived at Ben Gurion, things really got good.  As the newest Israelis worked their way through their in-processing, the lady from the Jewish Agency who prints ‘Teudat Zeut’ National ID Cards reported that her computer had crashed from trying to process all of the hyphenated names and “Native American Spirit Animals” that the Olim insisted be added to their Cards. Additionally, the demand that the ID Cards list preferred pronouns and peanut allergies bogged down the process for several hours. Meanwhile, as the American Olim were being in-processed, a flight of Olim from the Ukraine arrived. Ben K., an actor and artisan beekeeper took the time to explain to a Ukrainian named Sasha that he was also fleeing violence and oppression. Sasha stared at him for a minute without speaking and then wandered off.

The Daily Freier decided to let our newest Israelis get situated, then checked back with the group a few days later. The Madrichim (Counselors) assigned to the team admitted that it was slow-going, but that they had made some progress in explaining that the public bomb shelters and fortified rooms in each building could actually be referred to as “Safe Spaces”. Then we reunited with Jesse from the Food Co-Op, who vented some of his feelings. “So things are alright I guess. But like what’s with all the military stuff? I mean, all these guns everywhere left me feeling… triggered.

Ulpan Hebrew language classes started yesterday as well. And Danielle from the Food Co-Op is totally not having it. “So what’s with the masculine and feminine nouns? I mean, would you like some hummus with your misogyny? Can’t we changed the Hebrew language?” (EDITOR’S NOTE: We wrote this as a joke…. then we read the Washington Post yesterday.) “And Don’t get me started on the Hebrew word for husband. This is NOT. OK.” When asked if she had a message for her new country, Danielle replied “I just want people here to know that I’m offended by everything.

On the bright side, things are looking up for Haaretz.

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Omar Barghouti asks Nefesh B’Nefesh for help with Residency Permit

Omar Barghouti

Buster Bluth

Loose Seal

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/14/2016 at 11:30 PM

Ramat Aviv: Qatari Boycott Divest and Sanctions mascot Omar Barghouti is in a bit of a conundrum lately, as the country he is trying to take down through lawfare apparently is not being terribly helpful with his travel permits. Barghouti, who is a PhD Candidate at Tel Aviv University when he is not trying to destroy the country that funds his education, has lately turned to Nefesh B’Nefesh to help straighten things out.  The Daily Freier got a copy of Barghouti’s letter to Nefesh B’Nefesh by pestering their receptionist for 30 minutes until she gave it to us if we would just go away.

————————-

Greetings Facilitators of the Ongoing Illegal Occupation of the 1948 Territories,

I hope this letter finds you well.  I am writing your Entity because I hear that you know how to “grease the wheels” of the bureaucracy for Semites who wish to live here. So Please help. You’re a Semite. And I am also a Semite…. who dislikes certain other Semites. But that is neither here nor there. The Bottom Line is that my Inalienable Right to attend overseas conferences and be feted as the awesome guy that I am is being jeopardized.  Besides, Max Blumenthal owes me 30 Bucks and if I can catch up with him at the Berkeley Confab I am pretty sure I can collect. Anyhoo, hook me up. Because if I am not allowed to travel overseas it would be a total disaster. Or, you know, a Naqba.

Cordially,

Omar

—————————————————-

Reaction to Mr. Barghouti’s letter has been mixed, with some very strong opinions. Alert Local Ronit S. described her reaction. “Wow. The idea that a PhD Candidate at Tel Aviv University would seek to destroy the very State that is providing his education is a complete shock…. to anyone who has never been to Tel Aviv University.

Word on the street is that if Mr. Barghouti’s current plan doesn’t work, he will sneak in and out of the country on Birthright Tours.

Nefesh B’ Nefesh Now Accepting Applications From Your Catholic Friend Back Home Who Everyone Thought Was Jewish

Joey

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/5/2015 at 6:20 PM

Jerusalem: Nefesh B’ Nefesh, in conjunction with the Jewish Agency, has just enacted a groundbreaking change to their business model, and are actively recruiting your Catholic friend Joey from back home who everyone just sorta thought was Jewish anyway.  The Daily Freier spoke to some of Joey’s other childhood friends today to get their take on this exciting chapter in the Zionist Project.

Growing up, we just kinda thought he was Jewish.” recalled Joey’s neighbor Gary B. “I mean, he was swarthy…Had a bit of a Jewfro….Plagued with self doubt.  After a while he just sorta found his way onto the bus to the JCC every Monday and Wednesday night for Hebrew School.  And to his credit, by Bar Mitzvah age, he was just as illiterate as the rest of us.”

Joey’s college roommate Jason G. recalled his memories on this topic. “Joey was always part of the crew. I mean it never occurred to me that somebody who was that neurotic and with that many sexual hangups could be anything else.  So this legislation really makes sense. Plus, he had a bit of a thing for Jewish girls.”

For his part, Joey is excited about making Aliyah and has already staked out plans for an early Spring Arrival date, followed by a move to Berlin for economic reasons some time in the late Autumn.

 

 

 

Save