Los Angeles: In a serious loss for the Boycott, Divest, and Sanctions (BDS) Movement, famed rocker Ozzy Osbourne lost consciousness halfway through a phone call from an angry Roger Waters. The Prince of Darkness has a July 2018 concert planned for Tel Aviv, and noted singer/songwriter/activist/dick Roger Waters was none too happy. As fellow veterans of the late 60’s scene, Roger felt a need to reach out to Ozzy and dissuade him from playing in Israel, and thus called the Blizzard of Ozz himself. Unfortunately, about 7 minutes into Roger’s rant, Ozzy was no longer responding to stimuli on our current plane of existence and entered a deep sleep. But with his eyes still open. Mr. Osbourne explained the situation to the Daily Freier from his Los Angeles home.
“Roger rang me up all hot and bothered and I had Zero Idea what the F— he was F—– talking about. After a few minutes it felt as if Sharon was yelling at me again. Something about my concert in Tel Aviv next year I reckon. And then I blacked out, and woke up an hour later on the couch with the f—– dog f—- licking my face. But Israel sounds great. By the way, just asking…. but are bats kosher?”
Khan Yunis: Fans of (Rula Jebreal’s ex-boyfriend/the creepy weirdo stalking Bar Refaeli/that guy who used to play with Syd Barrett) famed singer-songwriter Roger Waters breathed a sigh of relief today after he released a tweet confirming that he is safe and sound following yesterday’s tragic tunnel collapse in Gaza. While the IDF’s destruction of the attack tunnel facilitated a speed-dating-event-with-72-virgins for several unfortunate terrorists, Mr. Waters wanted to let all of his fans know that he was OK, and “hadn’t been in that tunnel for weeks“. Mr. Waters, who has previously utilized the tunnels for their unique acoustics, spoke out forcefully in order to clear the air.
“I think it’s typical of the media, which is actually controlled by you-know-who, that they would put out unfounded rumors.” Mr. Waters explained. “The fact is, I am currently on tour and have not been in Gaza since I finished recording my latest album of oud, drums, and spoken word in late September.”
While Roger was safe and sound, yesterday’s events hit very close to home for him, as counted among the wounded was his friend and colleague The Hamas Bumblebee. Nachool the Bumblebee is a favorite on Gaza’s children’s shows, as he playfully sings songs and says some not-so-nice things about the Zionist Entity. With Nachool’s hospitalization for smoke inhalation and shock, Mr. Waters sadly announced a delay to their planned collaboration on a Hamas TV Television Special entitled “Hey Kids! Let’s brush our teeth every day, respect our teachers, and tell the Balfour Declaration that it can Go to Hell!“.
While Mr. Waters is now present and accounted for, the Daily Freier has still not received word from former President Jimmy Carter as to his current whereabouts.
London: The Daily Freier joins the Staff of Israellycool in mourning one Big Naqba of a Breakup: The end of the Roger Waters-Rula Jebreal Couplehood. The BDS power couple, who seemed to have more sexual chemistry than Yassar Arafat and his bodyguards back in the ’70’s that special spark, called it quits. Rula apparently spent the morning returning all of the gifts Roger had given her, to include 3 keffiyehs, some really good hummus from Jericho, and a sturdy shovel.
The Daily Freier extends a sincere Congratulations to Roger Waters and Rula Jebreal on their couplehood. Pink Floyd legend Roger Waters, a vocal critic of Israel, is dating Palestinian journalist and author Rula Jebreal after divorcing his fourth wife.
The Daily Freier asks our readers not to submit tasteless jokes on whether he dresses up in an old IDF uniform when they role play “Checkpoint“. The Daily Freier will also maintain a strict policy of not allowing our readers to speculate about the use of the words “Occupation“, “Territory” or “Colonization” vis-a-vis any intimate relationships they may or may not engage in. Finally, the Daily Freier will not countenance any reference to “Laying Pipe at the Gates of Dawn”
So, here’s the thing. There’s no easy way to say this. We Need Your Help. We’re going to say two words. BARRY. MANILOW. In Concert. Tel Aviv. Israel. June 30th (OK, that’s like 8 words). Which has left us in the uncomfortable position of rethinking our stance on the BDS Movement. Like maybe we can meet you guys half-way.
Bottom Line: You need to stop this shit. NOW.
We know you can do this. We’ve seen you in action. You convinced highly talented, highly nuts singer Lauryn Hill to cancel her Israel tour (What’s her beef with the Jooz anyway? Was it a Jewish accountant who told her that paying your income tax was optional?). Same with Elvis Costello, whose dedication to “peace and justice” appears to be a bit of a new thing for him.
Anyhoo, we are like begging you. And we’re willing to lend a hand. Tell us what you need. Social Media? Stuffing envelopes? An angry mob? We’re there! Teaming up with George Galloway in solidarity wi…. well, no. Not so much.
Gaza City: Famed singer/songwriter/activist/dick Roger Waters is in serious but stable condition after getting caught in the collapse of a tunnel southeast of Gaza City earlier today. The Daily Freier was at the scene when a representative from the Palestinian Red Crescent briefed the assembled press. “It was approximately 3:00 PM when the Zionist Entity and its Egyptian lackeys triggered a cave-in of the tunnel, trapping 3 of our pious and motivated young tunnelers, as well as our bizarre but helpful friend Mister Roger Waters.”
When asked by MSNBC how rescue workers were able to find Mr. Waters, the spokesperson explained. “The tunnel was impassable to humans at this point, so we brought in Farfour the Mouse. He was able to find our friend by homing in on the intense scent of bitter self-righteousness that emanated from his body even when he was unconscious. Incidentally, this was exactly how we found Jimmy Carter after he accidentally wandered into the Sand Dunes last year during Ramadan.”
For his part, Roger Waters was insistent that he had done nothing wrong. “I know that the Zionists and their friends in the press will try to spin this in some negative light, but I was merely in the tunnel for its acoustics. You see, I’m recording a new single “Indigenous Olive Oil Can Flow Through Any Wall”, and I really needed just the right sound. But I think the vibrations from the snare drum may have set off a tremor and destroyed the tunnel.”
Nueva York: En un movimiento para hacer que la cobertura de su red en el Oriente Medio sea más ecuánime, la MSNBC ha reemplazado al atribulado periodista y activista anti-israelí Ayman Mohyeldin por el ex líder de Pink Floyd Roger Waters.
La portavoz de la MSNBC Sabrina H. explicó así éste relevo: “Nosotros en la MSNBC sentimos que el Sr. Waters traerá una nueva perspectiva al conflicto en el Oriente Medio. El Sr. Waters está emocionado y deseando comenzar su labor“.
Cuando se enteró de este relevo y de estos comentarios, el Sr. Mohyeldin se mostró notablemente angustiado por el reciente cambio en los acontecimientos. “Estoy sin trabajo. No he visto venir este relevo. Pero también es cierto que hay un montón de cosas que no veo. Por ejemplo, tampoco vi la semana pasada el cuchillo en la mano del terrorista palestino que todo el mundo con dos ojos en la cara pudo ver. Por otra parte, a veces veo drones israelíes que nadie más ha visto [N.P.: alusión a un incidente durante la guerra de Gaza]. Ya saben, lo de la visión es una cosa singular“.
Por el contrario, el Sr. Waters se mostró entusiasmado con su nuevo trabajo. The Daily Freier pudo encontrarse con el señor Waters en su nueva oficina en la MSNBC mientras unos trabajadores le instalaban una máquina de Sodastream [N.P: alusión a su contradictorio boicot de la empresa israelí]. “Nunca pensé que podría aterrizar en este lugar, ya saben ustedes quien domina los medios de comunicación del mundo [N.P.: alusión a su referencia a un control judío de esos medios]. Pero estoy emocionado de empezar a trabajar“.
Cuando el Daily Freier le preguntó al Sr. Mohyeldin cual sería su futuro, se puso filosófico. “Supongo que si el Sr. Waters puede ser un experto en el Oriente Medio, entonces tal vez pueda ser un mejor músico de rock que éste señor rechazado por sus propios ex compañeros de grupo“.
Cambridge, United Kingdom: Historians at the University of Cambridge’s King’s College dropped a bombshell this morning: that noted Anti-Semitic crank outspoken critic of Israeli policies Roger Waters was once in a popular band that played music that people enjoyed listening to. The Daily Freier spoke by phone with Professor of Contemporary British History Baba Booey for details on this breakthrough discovery.
“This is really quite remarkable, but prior to being known for drawing the Star of David on pigs and being creepily obsessed with Bar Refaeli, Mr. Waters was in a rather successful band known as ‘Pink Floyd’ during the latter half of the 20th Century.” Professor Booey continued. “Archival history from the pre-Internet era seems to indicate that young people would often paint their dormitory walls with fluorescent paint, turn on blacklights, and play this music on a constant loop. Apparently marijuana may have been involved. And unlike Mr. Waters’ current manifestation, this early ‘proto-Waters’ seemed to enrich the lives of others and actually make people happy. Fascinating, really.”
Professor Booey then played a sample of Mr. Waters’ early music for the Daily Freier. The music was rather excellent, although it was a bit derivative of Syd Barrett’s works.
New York: In a move to make the network’s coverage of the Middle East more even-handed, MSNBC has replaced troubled Middle-East reporter Ayman Mohyeldin with former Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters. MSNBC spokesperson Sabrina H. explained the change of lineup. “We at MSNBC feel that Mr. Waters will bring a fresh perspective to the conflict in the Middle East. Mr. Waters is excited to hit the ground running.”
Conversely, Mr. Waters was enthusiastic about his new job. The Daily Freier caught up with Mr. Waters at his new MSNBC office as workers installed his personal SodaStream machine. “I never thought I could land this gig, what with you-know-who running the world’s media. But I’m excited to start work.”
When the Daily Freier asked Mr. Mohyeldin what his future held, he waxed philosophical. “I guess if Mr. Waters can be a Middle East expert, then maybe I can be a bitter English ex rocker who is disliked by his former bandmates.”
London: World Renowned Recording Artist Roger Waters, in an angrily worded open letter in today’s Issue of the Guardian, demanded that Israel stop naming new neighborhoods in Judea and Samaria after Pink Floyd songs and lyrics. “From Kiryat Dark Side of the Moon to Kfar Crazy Diamond, this crime against humanity has to stop right now. “, the renowned recording artist and freelance jerk opined in today’s Guardian. Mr. Waters continued “If this does not stop immediately, I will hector various artists into not appearing in Israel and creepily troll Bar Rafaeli in my concerts.” When asked what would happen if Israel complied with his demands, Mr. Rogers indicated that in this case he would…. hector various artists into not appearing in Israel and creepily troll Bar Rafaeli in his concerts. Residents of Ma’ale Comfortably Numb seemed unfazed by the ruckus. Local handyman Shlomo K, stated “Roger Waters? Didn’t he used to be in a group with Syd Barrett?”
When reached for comment, Jerusalem Municipality spokesperson Dov L. appeared conciliatory, “We respect Mr. Waters’ opinion and welcome all outside advice on this difficult issue vis-à-vis the Israeli- Palestinian conflict. Hopefully, these outside voices can help bring us and our neighbors closer together……I mean, it’s like we’re two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl. Year after year. Running over the same old ground. What have we found? The same old fears.”
When asked if the Government had a message for Mr. Waters, Dov simply said “Wish you were here”.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.