Month: November 2021

Ariel Gold dumps Hen Mazzig for Pine Tree

“Seriously Pine?”

By Emily Goldstein & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/23/2021 at 5:00 PM

Ithaca: And that’s Hen’s heart that’s breaking down this long-distance line tonight, but he ain’t missing Ariel at all. Since she’s been gone away. He ain’t missing her. No matter what his friends say…. Wait, where were we? Oh yeah. Noted anti-Zionist Ariel Gold has ended her tumultuous relationship with Mossad-funded Hasbara Guy Hen Mazzig. That’s right, the BDS/Zionist Power Couple is no more, before we could even think of a cute name for them like “Bennifer“.

For the past couple of years, self-described Jew-indigenous-to-Spain Ariel Gold feuded with Hen on the Internets, leading to such gems as the time she criticized his shirtless selfie, an amazing online debate for which the Daily Freier created Bingo cards, and the time Ariel tried to kidnap Hen’s pet rabbit. Sure, they broke up from time to time while Ariel yelled at Morton Klein or Ben Shapiro, but they always managed to continue their tumultuous online relationship.

So it was with heavy heart that the Daily Freier discovered that Ariel had recently dumped Hen. For a pine tree. Last week noted British actor Eddie Marsan wrote a nice post on Twitter about a tree planted in his honor by the Jewish Community of the United Kingdom. It all went downhill from there, with Ms. Gold replying with accusations of stolen land, ethnic cleansing, and… (checks notes) ….promoting forest fires. That’s right, there is another target of Ariel’s Anti-Zionist Righteous Indignation, and it’s a Pine Tree named Ido currently growing in the Shfela Region just south of Tel Gezer. With Ido the Pine Tree suddenly the new target of Ariel’s online activism/diary entries, naturally Hen began feeling like the losing end of an Evergreen Love Triangle. The Daily Freier contacted Mr. Mazzig for his take on Ariel branching out leaving breaking up with him for a member of the Coniferous family.

I still haven’t processed this.” lamented Hen while staring at his coffee hafuch. “This is a complete shock. Just last week I was picking out a house for us in our indigenous land…. near Barcelona.”

The Daily Freier tried to cheer Hen up, noting that there were plenty of wacky and performative BDS activists from the Finger Lakes Region out there waiting to meet him, but he was inconsolable. “I’ve been dumped before for other men, for other women, once even for a cat. But what Ariel has done is the most humiliating thing I’ve ever experienced. I feel like I’ve been cuckolded by Etz HaHayim.

We had more questions for Mr. Mazzig but he cut the interview short “because it’s time for Mincha.” As we got up to leave, we could hear Hen praying “Shema Spain Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Ehad.

 


Editor’s Note: If you think this is the last you’re going to hear from Ido the Pine Tree, then you have a lot to learn about the Daily Freier.

 

Top Ten Reasons the Irish Embassy Drunk Tweeted at Israel

Apparently we are all back in High School, because this week our Frenemies at the Irish Embassy stayed up until Midnight in order to find our photo in the Yearbook and draw devil horns on our heads and blacken our teeth send a nasty Tweet and then delete it. Yet much like the timeless music of The Corrs, the Internet is Forever and we have screenshots.  One would think that Ireland would admire a country that actually managed to completely evict the British, but no. Ireland is upset that Israel is cracking down on all the PFLP-affiliated charities that they fund. They even took the time to complain about that tiny kerfuffle back in 2010 when Israel (Allegedly!) flew to Dubai and knocked off one of their friends in Hamas using tennis rackets, bad wigs, and Irish passports. So this is where our relationship is now.

Yet in the spirit of Goodwill, the Daily Freier set out to get the Irish Government’s side of the story. So we spent the week lurking in their favorite watering holes and BDS Chatrooms in order to get the Top Ten reasons that they angrily drunk tweeted us. Here they are, for your reading pleasure.


1) Gerry Adams keeps tickling us.

2) Daylight Savings Time

3) Was reading “The Merchant of Venice” for the 47th time and dozed off. 

4) You always end up hurting the ones you love.

5) You killed Christ.

6) Gal Gadot still won’t return our phone calls.

7) Roger Waters came to us in a dream and instructed us to do this.

8) Yeah, we dream about Roger Waters like twice a week.

9) Leprechauns!

10) We’re really busy and don’t want invites to any Chanukah parties.


#ErinGoShtupYourselves

“This is the End!” Yeshiva Bochers react to Tax on Disposable Utensils

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 11/4/2021 at 3:00 PM

Jerusalem, Neve Yaakov: I feel personally victimized…. by this government!  This obviously anti-religious bill attacks me personally!” lamented Yisroel M, a 20-year-old yeshiva student, describing his feelings about the new tax on disposable plasticware. “If the Yeshiva wanted us to do dishes, they should have put dishwashers in our dorm rooms, but all they gave us was a ‘negel vasser’ sink in the middle of the kitchenette.

When my sister Shevy in Sanhedriya heard the news she tore keriya.” Yisroel explained. “As a mom with seven small children, how does anyone expect her to wash dishes? Between her unlicensed gan that she runs out of her house and her cash-only sheitel washing business, she doesn’t have time. With this extra expense, she’s looking for another job….. a few of her neighbors approached her to join their shady MLM.

We wanted to speak with Shevy but Yisroel warned us not to. “She’s just going to pester you about when you’re going to America next and if you can bring her back some plastic plates in your luggage.” he admonished. “Our aunt just visited and half her suitcase was filled with American toilet paper! What’s wrong with Shevy? Can’t she just order it on Amazon like everyone else?

Yisroel offered us a cup of grainy instant coffee from his yeshiva lounge as we discussed his distrust of coercive government. “They tax stuff we really need …because they’re telling us what to do! I’m an independent thinker, nobody tells me what to do…. except for my Rosh Yeshiva.”

As we left, Yisroel noted that he was afraid the government would impose taxes on other things that he loved in order to try to make him buy less of them. “What if they taxed black pants that don’t reach my ankles? Or buying cholent Thursday night? Or imagine if they put a tax …. on our cigarettes!