Jerusalem: There was horror and consternation in Jerusalem as news emerged that the Israelis were the second national team banned from the upcoming Rio Olympics. With Russia banned a few weeks ago for widespread doping, the Israeli team were kicked out for testing positive for another energy-boosting substance – Cofix’s five shekel ice coffee.
“Well, it just goes to show that the Zionists will not stop at nothing to steal coffee beans from Palestinian bean growers, whose livelihoods have been wrecked by a Government agenda to deny them breakfast and keep them comatose.” noted UK Labor leader Jeremy Corbyn as he got ready to meet Anjem Choudary for tea.
“I have never heard anything so ridiculous in my whole life!” complained Minister of Sport Miri Regev. “Right now Tel Aviv is hotter than the surface of Jupiter. Of course my team are going to try to keep cool. But no ice coffee?! I have heard it all.” Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu quickly blamed the rise in Islamic fundamentalism for Israelis’ growing coffee addiction. “People are drinking it like there’s no tomorrow. And Ice Coffee at five shekels is a luxury that just about everyone can afford.” he said while sipping a mojito from a balcony on the Sheraton in the Maldives.
Hurdlers, basketball players, mountain bikers, one Krav Maga enthusiast and a team of volleyball arsim were all immediately disbarred after their caffeine levels were discovered to be off the charts. Another hopeful track star Moshe Polansky, a 100 meter sprinter from Ashkelon, protested his innocence: “I didn’t know the coffee would still be in my system, my brain froze, if anything, I am less able to function after that.” he cried, as he finished his trial 100m race in under an hour, after stopping to talk to five people at the side of the track and call his mother. He crossed the finish line as they turned the floodlights off. Mother-of-three Rivka Goldberg from Jerusalem also learned of her ban during curling practice, with her tongue pressed to the ice as temperatures hit 102 Degrees in the Old City. In an unrelated test, a pair of professional Matkot (beach paddle ball) players were also kicked out of the tournament because of the headache that their game caused anyone within two kilometers.
With the focus now on the 2020 Olympics, the Israeli team still plans to fly to Rio as most have already rented their apartments out on AirBnB.
Tel Aviv: Tel Aviv is a city of extremes. It’s either unbearably hot or freaking cold here, people are either zealous lefties or stubbornly right. But when it comes to prices, it gets to the boiling point. No need to mention how ridiculously overpriced local supermarkets and bars are, but right next to them you can always find Cofix and get anything you need (or almost anything – I personally still can’t find gluten-free vegan chewing bones for my dog) for the low low price of 5 shekels!
Why is it 5 Shekels and not 7, 12, or 5.99? The Daily Freier couldn’t help but be curious and thus wanted to find an answer to this question. After 945 missed calls and 61 attempts to get into the Cofix Headquarters (no need to say “wow”, we’ve got a vast experience dealing with Cellcom and Hot Cable), a third cousin of a branch manager named Chaim finally confessed:
“Have you ever tried to break 200 shekels into 5-shekel coins to use a laundromat? It accepts only 1 and 5-shekel coins, and if you have a big family (by that I mean Bnei B’rak Sephardi big, not your Tel Aviv Ashkenazi with four dogs), you have to make 10-20 loads of laundry daily. We simply needed a lot 5-shekel coins.”
Another even closer family member (who wished to remain anonymous) confirmed that. “Everything started with a small kiosk selling coffee and pastries just to get our daily laundry done, but then we started growing bigger and bigger and it turned out to be profitable”. He excused himself and said that he needed to put his laundry into the dryer, but we managed to ask him why they didn’t just buy their own washing machines? “Can you imagine how many 5-shekel coins we have? Do you know how much Leumi bank will charge us to get 200-shekel bills? It’s easier just to use the laundromats!”
Tel Aviv: Battle-scarred and cash-strapped Olim have found an unusual ally in their challenge to master the Hebrew language – budget coffee retailer Cofix. The ‘Starbucks for the Poor’ chain has this week unveiled a new product – HASH – or Hot Alphabet Soup in Hebrew, so that Olim can eat and learn at the same time.
Early signs are promising and threatening to the more traditional routes of learning at one of the city’s many Ulpan language courses.
For a cool five shekels, the hoards of new arrivals can get ahold of a menu designed to help them get past level Aleph before their 60th birthday. The menu boasts the delightful:
1. Mem-estroni, filled with croutons showing the difference between Final Mem and Samech
2. Chicken soup for the Shin
3. C-Lamed Chowder
4. A noodle soup with different noodle lengths to help novices understand Yud (Baby Final Nun), Vav (the middle brother) and Final Nun himself.
“Admittedly, I felt a little sensitive about ordering ‘HASH’ at a coffee shop. This is a liberal city but it ain’t Amsterdam.” said Luton-born Oleh Roy Freeman. “Still, it is a good start. I also bought some falafel in the shape of vowels. This was all really welcome because just last week I asked for a glass of water (Cos Mayim) but instead demanded a Cus Mayim. [This is a family newspaper so the non Hebrew speakers will need to look this one up themselves- the Editors] ….. The waitress was not too horrified.”
Canadian Morty Caplan added: “What a great idea. Easily beats a book for learning. I haven’t learned the letters since my Bar Mitzvah, some 50 years ago, and it showed when I wandered into AM:PM to ask for a punnet of strawberries. While grapes – anavim – is only one letter away from what I asked for – aravim – it was a little embarrassing as apparently Arabs don’t come in punnets. I forgot my receipt in a hurry.”
In response, Ulpan Gordon pushed the boat out and bought a packet of biscuits and some Fuze Tea for their Class Bet.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.