Month: March 2016

Aliyah

American Woman Feared Missing After Failing to Start Blog Within 72 Hours of Aliyah

December_Charter_Flight(Photo Credit: Nefesh B’Nefesh)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 3/31/2016 at 1:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Derech HaYarkon: The concerned family of an American Olah Hadashah flew to Israel early this morning after receiving no indication that their daughter Sarah had started a Blog about her life in Israel since arriving on Monday. Sarah, a recent graduate of UNC Chapel Hill, arrived on a Nefesh B’Nefesh flight and has yet to create an online platform to describe her interactions with the juice guy on the corner, how to buy fruit in the Shuk, or how silly the ‘newbies’ on the Birthright tour look.  Her parents, Leah and David P. of Lexington, Massachusetts, met with Consular Officials  before holding a joint press conference at the United States Embassy in Tel Aviv.

“We’re just looking for a sign that she’s OK, like maybe a really, really, really long story about the kindly Russian-speaking grandmother who stopped to help her when she was lost and crying in Shuk HaCarmel before Shabbat.” said a despondent Leah P. “I’m not saying I would actually read it, but it would still be a relief.”

“I just wish she would do an “Only in Israel” entry like her Cousin Melissa always does on that Blog she writes.” stated her father. When The Daily Freier pressed David for details that would indicate such an entry, he admitted that he had never actually “read” any of Melissa’s entries, but rather subcontracted the task to Dylan, his 12 year old son. Dylan, who would read the entries and provide his father a typed “Cliff’s Notes” version suitable for feigning familiarity with the blog when Melissa Skyped them, was currently charging his dad $10 per Blog post or $15 in credit for Minecraft upgrades.

Dylan, who described his cousin Melissa’s Blog as “Lame“, “Stupid“, and “Eat, Pray, Love only whiter” vowed that if his sister was OK and started blogging, he would charge his dad “Like 20 Bucks or something” to read any of Sarah’s future entries.  Dylan smiled and turned to his father on the conference room podium.  “And every time she posts an entry that says ‘OMG breakfast in Israel is A-MA-ZING’ I’m charging an extra 5 Bucks….. 10 if she also Instagrams the food.”

UPDATE: A U.S. Embassy spokesperson happily announced that Sarah is alive and well and “hanging out at Mike’s Place”. The spokesperson went on to explain that Sarah failed to start a Blog because she was busy creating a new Facebook page dedicated to Israel Advocacy and pictures of her new life here to include documenting the coffee hafuch she purchased from Aroma yesterday, a guy on a bicycle walking 12 dogs on Ben Yehuda Street, and a matkot game on Metzitzim Beach.  Her relieved parents promised they would check it out.  But they were lying.

Guest Writer Wednesday, Pesach

Guest Writer Wednesday Presents: Are You There G-D? It’s Me, Elijah

Elijah-Seinfeld-620x310By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 3/30/2016 at 1:20 PM

Tel Aviv:  Police are looking into the strange appearance of a drunken man in downtown Tel Aviv claiming to be the prophet Elijah. With just three weeks to go to Passover, detectives are puzzled by the man apparently called Eliyahu, who seems to be off his head on Kedem wine.

“He was screaming that his father was Avi Koman and that he was the real deal but we have seen it all here.” pointed out Police Superintendent Nadav B. “One year, some guy was arrested inside a giant chocolate egg claiming to be Roger Rabbit. There is a lot of wine flowing this time of year and we have just finished Purim. It could be part of a long, lingering national hangover.”

What remains a mystery is that he was spotted going door to door near Rothschild Boulevard by Jehovah’s Witnesses (who initially thought he was one of their own) wearing only a white sheet from the Sheraton Hotel and hiking sandals. While the Jehovah’s Witnesses  were busy pestering people spreading the good word outside  the AM/PM Market, ‘Elijah’ was seen stumbling around front gardens, knocking stray cats off trash cans and pressed up against kitchen windows asking for extra eggs in salt water.

One neighbour on Sheinkin Street said: “It’s usually very gentrified around here. Occasionally you’d get a protest about the cost of soya milk, but there aren’t often disturbances. But this guy was screaming, ‘I’ll give you a plague of frogs, let me in, I’m Elijah! I’ve got locusts, crabs, everything.‘ Weird.”

After he started squeezing tomato ketchup packets onto doorposts, horrified locals called the police. Briefly questioned, he was then admitted to the rehabilitation ward at Ichilov hospital pending DNA tests. He is currently sharing a padded room next to a middle age man claiming to be a reincarnated Queen Esther, a pair of twins alleging they survived on Noah’s Ark, and a disciple threatening to spill the beans on the real Mary Magdalene.

Aliyah, The IDF

Lone Soldier Accidentally Buys Something

Lone Soldier Accidentally Buys Something Daily FreierBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/26/2016 at 8:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov: In a move described by the city’s in-crowd as “revolutionary”, “earth shattering”, and “paradigm smashing”, an IDF Lone Soldier living in Tel Aviv bought something.  Using money.  Not at a discounted rate. From a store.  Not from Secret Tel Aviv.  The Daily Freier rushed to the scene to break this story to the public.

“I needed a hat.” explained Danny as he sipped a beer at a local bar on Bograshov near Ben Yehuda. “I’m going to the Negev for a concert tomorrow and I needed a hat.” Danny, originally from the United States, described his predicament. “I was going to jump on Secret Tel Aviv and ask for a free hat, but my idiot neighbor decided to password protect his Wi-Fi last week, and I didn’t feel like walking down the street to check Facebook outside the Sushi place with a hotspot.  So anyway, I was walking down Dizengoff  on my way to the Lone Soldier’s Center for dinner, and I was like…..’Hey I need a hat. And they sell hats here.’ So I like, bought. A hat.” Danny stared across the bar in disbelief as the news sunk in. “I know…. I’m just as confused as you are.”

Word of Danny’s extravagant purchase spread like wildfire throughout the Olim Community, with some very strong opinions. “Oh, so I guess Moneybags just ‘buys hats’ now. Must be nice.” chided fellow Lone Soldier Jeremy C. , who continued to criticize Danny’s actions until abruptly ending the conversation a minute later. “Please excuse me. It says on ‘Keep Olim in Israel’ that somebody is moving back to Australia and giving away dry pasta and a futon.  I gotta roll.”

As the Daily Freier concluded the interview, Danny asked if we were going to finish our pizza or what.

Dating and Relationships, Purim

Cool girl at Purim party in Hare Krishna costume is really Hare Krishna

Hare Krishna Tel Aviv Purim

(Photo Credit: Youtube)

By Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/24/2016 at 9:50 AM

Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim:  WOW!  That was some Purim party! The Yemenite Quarter was packed.  And it was Off. The. Hook.  And the trance music outside of Norman’s Bar was A-MA-ZING.  And that girl you were talking to the whole night seemed really chill and down to earth.  And her costume was SO AUTHENTIC!  Get this…. she dressed as a Hare Krishna!  And you know how some people do a half-assed job for Purim?  Like wearing just a mask? Or a rainbow wig? Or wearing cat’s ears with a leotard and using a pen to add whiskers (OK, that’s actually kinda cool!) Well not her.  She had it all!  The flowing patchwork skirt.  The peasant blouse.  The sandals.  Jangly bracelets.  And a tambourine!  She had a tambourine! How awesome was that???  And the conversation you had with her.  It just flowed.  Just talking about how the street music was merging with the Universe at the same time that it was emanating from the Universe!  And you both like sitar music!

And she stayed in character the WHOLE. TIME! When you told her how cool her costume was, she kinda just stared at you for a second and then continued with the conversation. She kept asking if you were truly conscious. That’s so crazy man!

Wait…. you got her number? Dude! And you’re going out again today?  Winning!  Oh wait, you’re hanging out with her friends too?  OK that’s cool.  They want to see what you’re all about?  Probably just looking out for her.  Wait, you’re packing an overnight bag?  You’re spending the weekend with her in the Galil?  Well yeah…. her and her friends.  Wait….. what’s a “retreat”?

Hey! A van is parked outside and it’s honking its horn. Wait! Where are you going?

 

Barack Obama, Purim

The Book of Esther, as told by Barack Obama

Sometimes I feel that after 7 years of my reign as King of Shushan, I am still cleaning up a big mess. A mess that’s not my fault. I inherited the worst economy in the history of Persia. Wars with the Babylonians and the Chaldeans.  And the climate was changing from burning too much cow dung. So it would be a mistake to hold me responsible for the current situation. Context, people.

And now folks are complaining about Haman.  Saying he wants to kill the Jews. But Haman was in fact appointed by the previous Administration’s King. Not naming any names, but he goes by “W the Younger”. So a lot of folks are getting upset about Haman. And to be truthful, for outsiders like Mordecai to pop off with their opinions. Without the facts….. well it just isn’t helpful. And it makes my job as King more difficult.

Now back to Haman….

If Haman is not careful; and if he continues to act in this manner; then he should not be surprised if we choose to take drastic measures. Such as making thousands of Cuneiform “Hashtags” on clay tablets that say “#NoToHaman”….. So he needs to watch himself.  And I tell Haman not to call my bluff.

But back to the problem at hand….

So Queen Esther and Mordecai, they’re quite religious. And sometimes, when folks have been left behind by the Iron Age, they cling bitterly to their slingshots and their religion. And to be truthful, Mordecai simply does not have the unique background and education to truly appreciate the situation. Like I do.

Now some folks want me to step in and stop what they call a potential “genocide” in Shushan. Because they say Haman wants to kill the Jews. But it is not that simple. I’ve spoken to Mordecai.   And quite frankly, he is often wrong. Now Mordecai seems to think that Haman does not have…..legitimate grievances. And to be frank,  Haman can be a real hothead. Truthfully, both of them disappoint me. There’s plenty of blame to go around. Everyone’s a little wrong. Except me of course.  But it’s my job. As the leader. To rise above. These petty grievances. And try to find. A consensus.

Now Let me be perfectly clear.  The statements made by Haman, they constitute a red line.  And if it was up to me, you can rest assured that there would be severe repercussions for his actions.  But unfortunately, here in Shushan, as your King I am not in a position to simply do these things.  First we must consult with the council of provincial chieftains.  And quite frankly, the council has been quite obstructionist.  Now some may say that they’re acting this way out of personal dislike for me.  And some of the folks in the Casbah who perform right-wing poetry and folklore, well they’re not too helpful. Like Rushambian Limbaughvus.  Guys like him.

Anyways, where was I? Oh Yes, Haman.  Haman needs to know that he’s on the wrong side of history.  Aaaand he needs to get with the program.  I mean, we’re here in Shushan and it’s already like the 3rd Century Before The Common Era. Get with the program.

Now Haman’s supposed plan. To kill the Jews. Looks serious. So I have dispatched. My grand vizier. Johnius Kerryezer. To look into it. And he’s working. With our regional allies. And within the framework of the world. As we currently know it.

So Mordecai says that Haman is constructing gallows. So these gallows, they don’t yet exist. Now Mordecai thinks they’ll be ready next month. But he doesn’t see the intelligence that I see. I have the best wizards and magicians in Persia. So for him to pop off like that, frankly, it’s chickenshit unprofessional. Anyhow, I’ve talked to Haman, and he says that the gallows are for scientific research. And if we want to truly build relationships and end the old quarrels, quite frankly we need to take Haman at his word.  And find a consensus.  So I have some great news.

Minister Johnius Kerryezer has struck a deal with Haman.  Haman will refrain from building the gallows for around 10 years. Or at least to the end of my reign one moon after the next Winter Solstice.  Which is a really long time. But hopefully a few years. I will have completed my third papyrus scroll by then. And I will be in my second career of performing oratory lectures throughout the land. But back to the deal….

In exchange for Haman’s promise, the treasury will release to him 50 thousand ingots of gold.  Prince Josephus Bidenopolos is on his way as we speak to deliver the news to Mordecai. So people of Shushan, I’ve solved your problems again. You’re welcome.

BDS, Mossad

Max Blumenthal: Mossad Secretly Turned Me into a Nepotist Hack

 

Max_Blumenthal_on_RT_America(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/20/2016 at 10:50 PM

Reston, Virginia: Noted pundit Max Blumenthal dropped a bombshell of an accusation earlier today: that Israel’s Clandestine Service undertook a secret program that slowly and deliberately transformed him into a hack writer who cashes in on the connections of his father, noted Hillary Clinton advisor Sidney Blumenthal.  The Daily Freier sat down with Max at a local Starbucks to get the whole Megillah.

“It all started about 10 years ago. I was a somewhat intelligent, if not particularly original college graduate. I guess the Mossad saw that as a threat. So they must have given me some sort of serum I guess. Or subliminal messages in my TV. Or maybe put a virus on my Mac….  Anyhow, within a couple of years I realized that I had degenerated into a cliché-ridden anti-Israel hack writer.  And yeah, Dad did not like that at all.”

The Daily Freier pressed Mr. Blumenthal for details on his alarming accusation.”I still don’t totally get it myself. Things just got….weird. For example, this German politician called me an Anti-Semite. So somehow the Mossad got me to follow him into a public restroom so I could yell at him. Now I’m banned from the Bundestag. [NOTE: THIS REALLY HAPPENED].  Real crazy stuff. And then, get this, the Israeli’s got a  guy at that right-wing magazine ‘The Nation’ to describe my book as having been written for “The Hamas Book of the Month Club”…. I gotta admit, that’s pretty clever…..But yeah, Dad fixed that guy good.“

In order to hear all sides of this troubling saga, the Daily Freier reached out to the Clinton campaign to get Hillary’s take on what her Key Advisor’s son has been up to vis-a-vis the Joooz. In response, her campaign spokesperson provided the following statement. ‘Secretary Clinton has nothing but the highest regard for Max. Which is why the campaign has provided him a generous grant to help with ‘Campaign Outreach’ in Papua New Guinea.  The grant runs through mid-November, and unfortunately there won’t be a lot of Internet for Max to communicate with the rest of the World.  But that’s the price one must pay for his expertise.  We look forward to reading his Trip Report sometime around Thanksgiving.”

When the Daily Freier asked Max for clarification on his new gig in the South Pacific, he promised to get back to us just as soon as the ghost of Christopher Hitchens stopped ruthlessly mocking him.

+972, Haaretz

+972: Because Haaretz is Just Too Darn Right-Wing!

972

(Photo Credit: +972 in the Hizzouse!)

By Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 3/20/2016 at 7:50 PM

Tel Aviv: For those of you who don’t know the word on the street, there is a hip source of news for those times when Haaretz is acting just a bit too (!!Trigger Warning!!) Likud/Neocon/Naftali. And that news source has a name: +972.  The Daily Freier checked out the scene by peeking into some select coffee shops along Sheinkin and Florentin to find out just what the hoopla is all about!

“I was just so tired of Haaretz’ failure to describe Hezbollah as a self-defense organization.” explained Bikram Yoga instructor Dalia C. “Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Haaretz’s Arts and Culture beat. I mean, the guy running around the stage with the flag in his ass was A-MA-ZING, butt however, their politics were just a bit too Bibi for me.”

Local artisan bike repairman Avi M. had similar gripes. “As much as I enjoy reading Amira Hass explain that throwing rocks at Jews is a form of self-expression, she can’t carry the paper by herself.  I just really want to read a blog that’s so nuts it could be my Poli-Sci Professor.  Plus, there’s just something special about a collective who make their money hustling European Left Wing NGO’s for donations.  I mean, basically it’s a financial quid pro quo involving doing  jobs your fellow countrymen won’t touch in order to get money from rich American donors….I guess that makes them the Donald Trump’s wives of Israeli commentary.”

“When I’m looking for something to read in the afternoon, what I’m really looking for is somebody defending ‘Breaking the Silence’ when they move from whistleblowing to compromising national security.”  explained food co-op manager Adi P. “And frankly, Haaretz is just coming up a bit short.”

With all the buzz on the streets, +972’s popularity has not gone unnoticed. Today Tel Aviv University announced plans to bring the Blog into the Research and Development arena of its Medical School.

 

 

 

 

 

 

BDS

Spinal Tap’s Summer ’16 Israel Tour Forces BDS to Boycott a Fake Band

This-is-spinal_tap_4

(Photo Credit: This is Spinal Tap)

By Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 3/12/2016 at 4:50 PM

Tel Aviv: Spinal Tap’s much-anticipated bookings in Israel for their 2016 Summer Tour have placed the Boycott, Divest, and Sanctions gang in a bit of a conundrum: how to boycott and shame a band that doesn’t really, like “exist”. Yet this has not stopped BDS, with the level-headed pragmatists at Electronic Intifada leading the way. “We’ve stalked all the real bands, so we were like, why not harass a fake band on a fake tour?  I mean, isn’t that the point of BDS? To get worked up about something that never really existed?”

BDS’ efforts have recently received a boost, with Roger Waters chastising his fellow veterans of the British scene for their plans to rock their Israeli fans.  Asked to describe how annoying Mr. Waters’ pestering has become on a scale from 1 to 10, Spinal Tap guitarist Nigel Tufnel described the Ex Pink Floyd frontman as “going to 11“

For their part, the members of Spinal Tap had specific questions about Israel. Bassist Derek Smalls appeared to have real concerns about Ben Gurion Airport’s famed security.

Not to be outdone, new BDS powerhouse Vassar College joined the scrum, declaring that if Spinal Tap played Israel, they would not be welcome at their campus, before admitting that nobody really wants to play in Poughkeepsie anyway.

 

Arts & Literature, Haaretz

Artist With Flag In His Butt at Haaretz Event Shocks People Who’ve Never Read Haaretz

699700259(EDITOR’S NOTE: THIS REALLY HAPPENED!)

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/7/2016 at 4:50 PM

Tel Aviv (Surprise!): The scandalous performance at yesterday’s Haaretz Culture Conference during which an artist placed the flag in his tuchus while pelting attendees with orange rinds, shocked and offended those members of the audience and the public who had never, like, actually “read” Haaretz.  The Daily Freier rushed to the scene to console the traumatized, somehow find a way to work through the horror, and to monetize this story.

“I….I don’t know what to say” said a shell-shocked Adi F., who admitted that she had never read a column by Gideon Levy. “I wonder if Maccabi will cover therapy sessions. I really want to un-see this.”

Other audience members were visibly angry. “This is an outrage! A shonda to the Goyim! How could he do this?” demanded Michael H., before letting slip that his exposure to Haaretz is limited to peaking at the Weekend Edition left on his Vad Bayit’s doorstep.

Interestingly, audience members who were accustomed to Haaretz were visibly less upset. “Still not as offensive as an Amira Hass article!” chuckled alert local Ronit S. as she sipped a cappuccino in the lobby.

After security escorted the artist from the stage and removed the flag from his posterior, a subsequent body cavity search further revealed 3 Shekels, 40 Agurot, some cheap sunglasses, and a Rav Kav.

Mossad, Start Up Nation, Waze

Mossad: We Sabotaged Iran’s Missile Guidance Systems by Giving them Waze

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 3/6/2016 at 3:50 PM

Herzliya Pituach- World leaders woke up this morning to the shocking revelation that Israel’s famed Secret Service had crippled Iran’s guided missile program by  giving the Iranians the popular and sometimes also accurate navigation App “Waze”.  Waze, an Israeli start-up success story that in 2013 was sold to Google for $1 Billion, was secretly uploaded into the Iranian missile guidance database through an unknown Third Party working in coordination with the Mossad.  The Daily Freier was able to speak to a shadowy guy named “Tzvi” outside Google’s Herzliya campus.

“This was a difficult assignment. We wanted a program that would spoof the Iranian missile software into calculating the supposedly shortest route, but in reality it sends the projectile on a boondoggle.  So I talked to a friend, who talked to a friend, who copied Waze onto their server.  Now the navigation system directs the missiles aimed at Tel Aviv to first swing by a Tim Horton’s Doughnut Shop just north of Saskatoon.”

Iran reacted in undisguised panic this morning at the revelation.  A Revolutionary Guard Corps Spokesperson, speaking on condition of anonymity, described the chaos. “This is worse than Stuxnet.  We’ve lost at least six months.  To add insult to injury, we just found out that our Al Quds Force homepage works off of Wix.”

For its part, Waze strongly denied any part in the current crisis. “I must stress that Waze is a useful community-based application that seeks to improve the common good regardless of politics.” explained Waze spokesperson Arielle C. “I got to get back to work. Please excuse me while I direct an IDF patrol to take a shortcut through Nablus.”

 

 

 

 

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