Category: Times of Israel

Times of Israel arrested for stealing Haaretz’s Identity

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/5/2017 at 4:30 PM

Jerusalem: The nation’s journalistic community is in shock today after police launched an early morning raid on the Times of Israel’s Headquarters and arrested key personnel. A Jerusalem Magistrate issued a warrant early this morning for the arrest of the Times of Israel on the charges of stealing the identity of Haaretz. As the nation’s venerable Lefty newspaper, Haaretz is widely read outside of Israel by the Jewish State’s many critics while being read by as many as three dozen people who actually live here. But anyhoo, the Times of Israel, which started out a few years ago after telling the Jerusalem Post that it was time that they started seeing other people, used to be kind of normal. Reflecting an Anglo readership that was socially liberal but kinda to the Right on Security issues. Then things got a bit weird. Both with their coverage of Israel and abroad. Especially the States. It kinda felt like we were trapped in our childhood Reform Temple’s Wednesday Night Confirmation Class. Like forever…. And they kept ranting about Trump. A lot (And trust us, we know that there is a lot about Trump that you can make fun of.)…. But then they started stalking Haaretz. And sifting through Haaretz’s trash. And changing their hairstyle and their clothes to match Haaretz. And copying their voice intonation. Like that film in the 90’s with Bridget Fonda and Jennifer Jason Leigh or something.

Yet despite the Times’ recent leftward funk, today’s events came as quite a shock, especially to the folks who got arrested. As police escorted the handcuffed journalists out of the Times of Israel building, one unidentified female in her early 30’s screamed “My flask! My flask! Hey be careful you idiots! That’s Laphroaig dammit!

After the journalists were led away, the police held an impromptu Press Conference which was attended by the victims of this Identity Theft. Amira Hass got up to speak first. “Today I stand in solidarity with the Palestinians. For today I too had my identity taken away from me. Today was my Naqba.” Then it was Gideon Levy’s turn, and he described further details of the alleged theft. “I know that the Times of Israel broke in and stole my ideas. I mean, My Dream Journal is missing. Also my windchime. But they’re going down. My cat saw everything.

After the Victims’ Testimony, the police played a grainy surveillance video of two editors meeting in the Times of Israel Break Room.

———–

Unidentified Female (North American accent): You know what Israel needs?

Unidentified Male, (British accent): I give up. What?

Unidentified female: ANOTHER Lefty newspaper in English!

Unidentified Male: OMG Absolutely! Say… are you going to pass that joint or what?

————

Meanwhile, the not-at-all-Loony-Left Tel Aviv-based Blog “+972 “  complained that nobody has tried to steal their identity yet.

With the Times of Israel appearing to have imitated multiple facets of the Haaretz style, Tel Aviv residents want to know when the Times will also hold a cultural conference where a performance artist sticks a flag in his butt and pelts the audience with oranges. (And Yes. This really happened.)

(DISCLAIMER: The Freier still wants to blog for the Times from time to time. I mean, If that’s cool. No harm no foul? Call us maybe?)

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Cops in same country that found Eichmann say they’re “like this close” to locating a Binary Options office in Ramat Gan

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

Last Updated 3/2/2017 at 2:30 PM

Ramat Gan: The police force in the same country that somehow tracked down and captured notorious Nazi Adolph Eichmann in Argentina says that it’s “like this close” to finding and investigating its first Binary Options office in Ramat Gan, a location so remote that it takes over an hour to walk there from Tel Aviv City Hall. Binary Options, which is sort of like the Stock Market except the Brokers steal all of your money every damn time more complicated, is an industry that is so low-key and hidden from view that one company posted a recruitment advertisement on Facebook with a woman dressed as a vampire, the company’s Logo, and the slogan “Predators work at night.” The Daily Freier sat down with Police spokesperson Mickey G. to learn more about some of the unique hurdles facing the police force on this case.

(The Daily Freier is over on Times of Israel today. Check it out!)

 

The story of Chanukah as told by Donald J. Trump

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(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

Long time ago. Talking a real long time ago. In the Land of Israel. Boy wouldn’t it be great to buy into the real estate market back then? Wait a sec….so my son-in-law is telling me it was 2200 years ago. Jared Kushner. Smart guy. Very smart guy. I mean he married my daughter, am I right? So he’s telling me that Alexander the Great led a Greek Army that came in, and everything was great for a while until it wasn’t. Sounds like Astoria in Queens, right? I’m kidding people. Greeks are great people. Great, great people. Anyway, the next King? Not so good. Antiochus. Bad hombre.

(THE DAILY FREIER IS OVER ON TIMES OF ISRAEL TODAY. CHECK US OUT!)

Fidel Castro now enrolled in Professor Arafat’s Civics 101 seminar at Hell Community College

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 11/28/2016 at 7:20 PM

Gehenna: Hell’s newest resident, a Mister Fidel Castro, late of Havana, has wasted no time getting situated in the abode that will be his residence for eternity. Immediately upon arriving in the Netherworld this weekend, Mr. Castro enrolled in classes over at Hell Community College, located on the Fifth Circle, right next to the Hell Convention Center which hosted last Summer’s FOREX Conference.

Like all Totalitarian Dictators, Castro is condemned to spend an eternity in an introductory Civics course, learning over and over and over again the principles of a civil society that maintains the consent of the governed.

(The Daily Freier is published on Times of Israel today. Check it out!)

Kerry Negotiates 7,000 Shekel Cab Ride to Ben Gurion Airport

John Kerry negotiates 7,000 Shekel cab ride to Ben Gurion Airport Daily Freier

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/30/2016 at 4:30 PM

Ben Gurion International Airport: As World Leaders depart Israel after paying their respects to the late Statesman Shimon Peres, United States Secretary of State has added another diplomatic feather to his cap, having successfully negotiated a 7,000 Shekel ($1,800) taxi cab ride from Jerusalem to Ben Gurion International Airport. The Daily Freier spoke with Mr. Kerry at Terminal One about how he successfully secured the price for his 34 mile journey with Shlomo, a Jerusalem cab driver.

Having been in the diplomatic game for some time, I have an appreciation for the subtleties and nuance of Middle Eastern discourse and bargaining that may escape others.” explained the Secretary of State before launching into a small anecdote about how Akko reminds him of Martha’s Vineyard.

(This article appears on Times of Israel today. Click Here to Check it Out!)

 

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‘Narnia’, ‘Endor’, and ‘Palestine’ send teams to the Rio Olympics!

'Narnia’, ‘Endor’, and ‘Palestine’ send teams to the Rio Olympics!

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/4/2016 at 7:30 AM

Rio de Janeiro: Sports fans everywhere are kind of excited, and for good reason: this year will see several make-believe nations compete in the Olympics, to include ‘Narnia’, ‘Middle Earth’, ‘Endor’, ‘Brigadoon’, and ‘Palestine’! The Daily Freier had a chance to talk to some of the Olympic hopefuls about this exciting opportunity.

(The Daily Freier is in the Times of Israel today. Check out the whole article here!)

FOREX holds EXPO in Cyprus after Hell cancels their reservation

FOREX Cyprus Conference Daily Freier

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 6/18/2016 at 10:30 AM

Gehenna: The recent FOREX/Binary Options Expo in Cyprus was by all accounts a fun event for all attendees, but word has leaked that Cyprus was not the Industry’s first choice. Industry gossip pointed to a previously booked venue. FOREX, a niche of the Investment World where the House always seems to win, has gotten a little bad press lately. And responding to published reports, Hell acknowledged today that they cancelled a reservation previously booked by FOREX. The Daily Freier went to Hell (as has been suggested through previous reader feedback) to get the whole story.

THIS ARTICLE IS FEATURED TODAY ON THE TIMES OF ISRAEL! READ THE REST OF THE STORY AT:

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/forex-holds-expo-in-cyprus-after-hell-cancels-their-reservation/

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