Month: March 2022

“Wait, what?” Ben Shapiro reads Megillah in 4 minutes & 7 seconds

“Shushan doesn’t care about your feelings.”

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 3/17/2022 at 2:30 PM

Miami: A local synagogue remains in a state of confusion after last night’s Megillah reading by local author and pundit Ben Shapiro. The Megillah reading, which recounts the story of Purim, normally lasts around 25 minutes. Yet thanks to Mr. Shapiro’s famous rapid-fire staccato delivery, last night’s reading ended in slightly over 4 minutes. The Daily Freier was on the scene to speak with dazed congregants as they tried to make sense of what just happened.

I love Ben’s podcast and I’m really happy that he moved here.” explained a man named Josh dressed as an astronaut. “But somewhere around Vashti I just got lost…. I can’t prove it, but I’m pretty sure that he also slipped in an advertisement for Express VPN halfway through.

What just happened?” asked Itzik as he took a shot of Arak. “Was that Yiddish? I’m Israeli but I’m just as lost as you are.

Yet some of the attendees were quite happy with Mr. Shapiro’s speed-reading. “On Purim, it is an obligation to become intoxicated until one does not know the difference between Haman and Mordecai.” explained Naomi, who was dressed as a cat. “I’m pregnant and can’t drink, so this was great. Ben provided me an opportunity to be just as bewildered as the drunk people.”

The Daily Freier asked Mr. Shapiro for comment, but he replied that he did not feel the need to disprove a counterfactual.

Drama: Every Woman at your Purim Party coming as Frida Kahlo

By Emily Goldstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/16/2022 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim: It’s party time in Tel Aviv! That’s right, Purim starts tonight and your rooftop party is going to be Off. The. Hook. You got the food, the drink, the ice, the music. Nothing can ruin what will no doubt be a night to remember!

Except for this one thing… You’ve been texting with your girlfriends all day and it seems that each and every one of them has come up with an amazingly unique idea for a costume: Frida Kahlo! This could be worse than Prom Night.

Let us explain: Every woman in Tel Aviv has at one time dressed up as Frida Kahlo or thought about dressing up as Frida Kahlo. There are no exceptions. Also, every single bar in Tel Aviv south of Allenby Street has at least one picture of Frida Kahlo on the wall. Again, no exceptions. This is Science.

You can’t really blame them because the Frida Kahlo costume has a lot going for it. First of all, it’s not difficult to procure. Simply get a nice vintage dress. Put your hair up. Some women might need to draw exaggerated eyebrows unless they’re Persian. Go to the Shuk and get some random flowers or fruits and just put them in your hair. And there you are, Frida Kahlo!

Plus, there is just something exciting about dressing up as an artist who was portrayed by Salma Hayek, had lots of Jewish friends, and may or may not have shtupped Trotsky. This costume is truly an all-around winner. Except now you are stuck with a slow-motion disaster movie that will be filmed on your roof. Knowing glances, dramatic exits, crying drunk texts. This could get bad.

You call your best friend for advice, but she’s busy waiting for her Mishloach Manot package from Telegrass. Hey, maybe some of your guy friends can help you out with this! Wait, never mind. Every single guy you know is busy procuring a tan blazer, black turtleneck, stubble, and black tortoise shell glasses in order to become the Tinder Swindler for Purim. You keep telling yourself that they’re doing this ironically.

 

 

 

The Story of Purim as told by Amnesty International Director Paul O’Brien

Greetings everybody! I’m Paul O’Brien, He/Him, and today I’m here to explain Purim to the Jews! Because to be frank, you don’t seem to be “getting it” lately. Yet I believe in my gut that what the Jewish people really want is to be educated by a Woke NGO that knows what’s best for them. So please allow me to teach you about your holiday from a perspective of Solidarity and Global Justice. Ready? Here we go!

Long ago there was a land called “Shushan” in what today is Iran. Frankly, I’m not an expert on Iran as we mostly focus on countries with poor human rights records. Anyway, there lived a King named Ahashveros who was looking for a wife. He chose a woman named Esther who was apparently quite attractive but unbeknownst to the King, was a Zio Jewish. Esther had an Uncle named Mordecai who was quite an effective Lobbyist for Jewish Interests in the Kingdom

Sadly, the King didn’t notice these activities. Yet one of his Deputies was a keen-eyed observer named Haman. As time went on, Haman saw the growing power imbalance between the Jewish subjects and the Indigenous population of Shushan. In addition, Haman’s personal interactions with Mordecai left him feeling Marginalized and Othered. Deciding to Speak Truth to Power, Haman devised a series of responses to this Structural Injustice. Some of Haman’s proposed solutions seemed rather rash. But it’s not me to judge. Amnesty takes no political views on any question, including the right of the State of Israel to survive. (NON-SATIRE TIME-OUT: He. Really. Said. This.)

Mordecai learned of Haman’s Roadmap for Restorative Justice and notified his niece Esther, who then broke with agreed-upon norms and went directly to the King with her grievances. Feeling the full weight of Queen Esther’s Hasbara, King Ahashveros relented and in a clear-cut case of State-sanctioned cruelty, put Haman to death.

…. Can I take a break for a second and point something out? Why doesn’t the Megillah mention Palestine or the Palestinians? This feels like another manifestation of a Eurocentric World Order. OK, rant over! Back to the story….

Naturally, the Jewish community of Shushan celebrated the death of Haman. Today this holiday manifests itself as a week of debauchery with costumes that sadly reflect the rather sexist trope that women sometimes want to dress up and look hot in public. In addition, the holiday is rife with high-cholesterol fried foods and excessive alcohol consumption. Thanks but no thanks.

Tune in next month when Amnesty International takes a look at Pharaoh’s response to a Jewish Land-Grab in the Nile Delta!