Month: December 2015

Guest Writer Wednesday Presents: Planet Breathes Easier as Santa Signs Global Warming Pact

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By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 12/23/2015 at 6:20 AM

Paris: Jingle bells chimed loudly at the Paris Energy Summit this week after Santa Claus agreed to reduce his carbon footprint by slashing his sleigh’s extraordinary use of fossil fuels and fit it with lunar panels. The agreement also sees a reprieve for the Amazon Rainforest as Santa banned receiving letters from children, preferring emails at poorsuckers@smail.com.

Father Christmas is one of the primary causes the world is burning up fast and is responsible for a range of natural disasters and parental poverty. Experts claim he burns 300 trillion tonnes of fuel every year as he whizzes around 180+ countries in little more than six hours on a 1970s hostess trolley. The deal, which could offset all damage done by industrial nations by as soon as Christmas 2020, caused Leonardo Dicaprio and Al Gore to wet themselves.

St. Nick’s chief reindeer Rudolph told CNN: “Basically, we have all been badgering him that we have had a good run, really. It’s Jesus’s day anyway but we’ve been doing this for years now and me and the boys are tired. The elves have got arthritis from packing so fast and it’s hard to breathe in the fumes. How do you think I got this shiny red nose? It’s blood poisoning, not Comic Relief. Prancer is riddled.

While the health implications for his staff are one factor, there is evidence that the Clauses, worth an estimated $56 trillion, have been under pressure to change their extravagant ways for some time. Iceland’s volcanic eruptions are believed to have been triggered by Santa’s luxurious private jet as he returned from the wholesalers. Sixteen elves had to be hospitalized at Lapland General after toxic paint was thrown over them by campaigners furious at deforestation and the use of expensive paper to wrap Christmas selection packs and socks from Walmart.

Santa has cut out 23 countries from his world tour, agreed to the no-fly zone over much of the Middle East and also refused to go down any chimneys, choosing only to drop gifts into the green and blue recycling bins. The decline in presents will see 45 elves and four reindeer lose their jobs. Some will be taken on as extras and donkeys in the annual Nativity play.

In the U.S., where frantic parents were desperately building solar panels and wind turbines out of Lego in back gardens, Donald Trump hailed the new entrepreneurial spirit of the American people. The presidential hopeful caused a Twitter storm when he unveiled plans to increase reindeer hunting licenses and revoke any tourist visas for the Claus family if they ever set foot on U.S. soil. “Santa no longer shares our cultural values and I will not allow his environmental extremism to hurt our quality of life.” he vowed. “Well, no more than Shell, BP and Haliburton anyway.

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Communal Refrigerator in Haaretz’s Break Room Now a Metaphor For the Conflict

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(Photo Credit: thegrindstone.com)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 12/22/2015 at 9:30 AM

Tel Aviv, Shapira: The Break Room in Haaretz’s South Tel Aviv Headquarters has become a microcosm for the Arab-Israeli Conflict, with its Day Shift and Night Shifts unable to come to a peaceful solution about who is allowed to Occupy  utlilize their refrigerator. Things recently got so bad that a “Two Refrigerators for Two Shifts” policy was enacted by John, an outside mediator from Massachusetts brought in by the Editorial Board. The Daily Freier spoke to traumatized Haaretz intern Zoe D. about the ongoing tragedy.

THIS ARTICLE IS FEATURED TODAY ON THE TIMES OF ISRAEL! READ THE REST OF THE STORY AT:

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/communal-refrigerator-in-haaretzs-break-room-now-a-metaphor-for-the-conflict/

 

IDF: “No Comment” on Bamba Wrappers, COFIX cup found near body of Samir Kuntar

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(AFP PHOTO / LOUAI BESHARA)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/20/2015 at 9:30 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya:  The Israel Defense Force conducted a contentious press conference today, where its spokesperson refused to comment on the empty bag of Bamba snack food and crumpled COFIX Coffee cup found in bushes 50 meters from the site where Samir Kuntar and other Hezbollah-affiliated operatives were fixed up on a blind date with some virgins killed by missiles early this morning.  “The IDF has no comment on these so-called snack foods found at the scene of today’s events.”

THIS ARTICLE IS FEATURED TODAY ON THE TIMES OF ISRAEL! READ THE REST OF THE STORY AT:

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/idf-no-comment-on-bamba-wrappers-cofix-cup-found-near-body-of-samir-kuntar/

 

 

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New Google Glass-Israel Edition Cause Everything You See Here To Make Sense

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(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 12/18/2015 at 1:30 PM

Herzliya Pituach: Start-Up Nation has done it again, as Google unveiled the new “Israel Edition” of its famed Google Glass franchise.  Google Israel spokesperson Dalit K. addressed an excited tech media at the company’s Herzliya campus.

With our new Israel Edition of Google Glass, the absurd things that happen to a user here are received as images, broken down into data packages, reconfigured, and received by the user’s eyes as normal every day activity. But we want to test it, so we will now drive the Google Bus around Greater Tel Aviv giving the Israeli public a chance to experience “Google Israel Glasses” first hand.”  The Daily Freier was lucky enough to tag along on this historic ride through Tel Aviv with the Google Bus.

“OMG these are Amazing!!!” shared recent Olah Rachel C.  “So right now I’m driving into the Namal Port Shopping Outlet and a heavyset 50-year-old shirtless guy holding a clipboard is now directing traffic. So I am just going to stop, slip on my Google Israel glasses, wait for the man to wave me on, and keep driving! Problem solved!  Thank you, random shirtless guy!  And thank YOU, Google Glass- Israeli Edition! Hey…. can I borrow these for a few minutes?  I need to go online and check Secret Tel Aviv!”

The Google Bus then stopped at Tel Aviv Savidor Central Train Station and spoke with commuter Yonatan S. while he debited his “Rav-Kav” transit pass at a kiosk. “So the money I load for the trains on my Rav-Kav can’t be used for buses in Tel Aviv….which can’t be used for buses in Jerusalem…which can’t be used for inter-city buses. Oh and you only have space for 8 different transportation companies. So I put on the glasses, and, <bang!> it was like, “Of COURSE it’s like that…. You know, I should’ve gotten these a long time ago.”

The Daily Freier was then able to render assistance to several confused Dutch tourists.  “I do not understand. We traveled from Ben Gurion and got out at Savidor because everyone said it’s the Central Train Station.  But it isn’t actually central to ANYTHING! What the hell?” cried a confused and exhausted Esmee G.   At this point the Daily Freier handed Esmee a pair of Google-Israel Glasses and she calmed down immediately and rallied her friends. “OK guys, let’s walk to our hotel on Hayarkon Street.  It’s only 2 miles.  Thank you Google Israel Glass!”

Not everyone was impressed with the glasses.  Alert local Ronit S. disdainfully tried on the glasses. “OK big deal. Whatever. Nothing’s changed.  What a rip-off…..Hey, I gotta go.  I need to get these documents to the Ministry of the Interior before they close at noon. And they only accept them by fax.

Based on the early success of their “Israel Glasses”, Google plans a new version specifically for Haaretz subscribers called “The Amira” that make everything that one sees  appear to be caused by “The Occupation” and basically all our fault.

The first copies of Google-Israel Glasses will be available at participating stores early next week, except for people who have gone on Birthright, who apparently for years have been issued them the moment they get off the plane.

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New Study of White College Students Links Prolonged Keffiyeh Use with Being a Prick

 

scienceBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/15/2015 at 1:20 PM

Washington: The National Institute of Health (NIH) issued a groundbreaking and controversial report today, providing clinical proof that prolonged and extended usage of keffiyehs by college-age white people can lead them to become just total insufferable pricks.  Sabrina H., a spokesperson for the NIH outlined the findings in a contentious press conference at the Institute’s Washington Headquarters.

The study we place before you today is the result of 8 years of prolonged research on multiple college campuses across the Western World.” Sabrina explained the linkage further, as she directed the audience’s attention to a Powerpoint Graph on a large screen. “What we are seeing is the progression of a typical subject sample named ‘Blake’.  Here we see Blake as he began Undergrad Studies at the University of Oregon in Eugene…..  So he’s showing a baseline of moderate dickish tendencies.  He is speaking incessantly of his ‘Gap Year’ experience teaching English abroad.  But notice what happens when he begins incorporating the keffiyeh into his wardrobe halfway through First Semester Sophomore Year.” Sabrina then gestured to a profound spike in the Graph’s Y-Axis of Prickdom. “Now this keffiyeh is serving as what the NIH describes as a ‘gateway’ accessory.  This keffiyeh opens him up to telling you at length about his change over to veganism.  He’s starting to read Mondoweiss, and not for the laughs.  He is now mere months away from interning on a documentary that includes the words ‘Olive Tree’, ‘Voices’, and ‘Nablus’. He may even start growing bad dreads.”

At this point in the presentation, several (keffiyeh clad!) members of George Washington University BDS staged a mock “Die-In”, disrupting the rest of the event and kinda proving our point.

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Guest Writer Wednesday Presents: “You Only Have One Mother, Tariq”

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(Photo Credit: BT)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 12/9/2015 at 11:20 AM

Raqqa: Air strikes, Kurdish rebels, cyber hacking, even playing Adele’s song ‘Hello’ on loudspeakers have all been tried and all have failed. But tonight, it seems that the first significant blow against ISIS has been struck with the use of a brand new weapon: Jewish mother guilt. Israeli scientists have worked frantically around the clock to take the essential ingredients of Jewish Mother Guilt – passive aggression, unrealistic pride and immovable affection – distill it into its purest form and have the potent strain dropped over ISIS strongholds in Syria and Iraq. Immediate reports are sketchy but it seems the placebo is working as phone networks in Mosul have been jammed with long and highly emotional calls home from the medieval terrorists. “You couldn’t find time to call your mother between beheadings, she only has one head, you might do well to remember that,” cried Mrs Fatima Sayed Falaweed to her son Jamal. They hadn’t spoken for just two days. There were tears too in caliphate capital Raqqa where another estranged son, Assaf Bikram Hussein Jr immediately handed himself into U.S. Marines after being scolded by his mother: “I don’t care if your friends want to destroy the Palmyra temples,” she said. “We brought you up better than that. If they stuck their heads in the oven, would you? Actually don’t answer that.” Local women, who had breathed in Jewish Mother Guilt, took a break from cooking brisket, fetching their cleaners and taking long baths, to speak of their pride that their sons were laying down their weapons. “If the queue takes a while, I’ve given him chicken legs, rice and some chopped liver,” said one. “He said he would give me three rings when he reached the Iranian border.” Another mother, hanging out her son’s balaclava on the washing line, said she was glad she kept the receipt for the Kalashnikov she bought him on his 11th birthday. “We can put it towards his college fund,” she said, tearfully. New ISIS lead singer Jihadi Ringo, John’s successor, resented the interference of the Jewish state, and was seen whining and throwing a hissy fit at the therapist’s office as Mrs Ringo called to tell him more and more crates of Jewish Mother Guilt were being loaded onto aircraft carriers in Crete…

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Israel Accuses Iran of Secretly Producing Gluten

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(Photo Credit: AFP)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 12/8/2015 at 12:20 PM

Jerusalem: In a tense press conference, Prime Minister Netanyahu made his strongest accusation to date: that Iran had a clandestine plan in place to manufacture the substance most feared by White Western Progressives: Gluten. Netanyahu walked an at-first skeptical media step by step on Iran’s dual-use bakeries, illegal import of non-EU compliant pasta, and an array of centrifuges spinning high-grade gluten out of low-grade pita bread.

The International Community reacted in panic, with multiple food co-ops in Hendon, San Francisco, Ann Arbor, and Ithaca shutting down temporarily in a panic. Ann Arbor Peoples’ Socialist Inclusive Food and Wellness Cooperative Collective Chairperson, NightSky Dyson summed up the feeling of the Progressive Community. “ When I saw Netanyahu’s speech, I thought it was going to be more of his ‘Iran’s getting the bomb’ blah-blah bullshit. But this…..this is serious. Sorry, I need to go; we’re going to need to stock up on a LOT more yogurt cultures. Wait….do you think we can blame this on the Occupation?”

The Jewish Progressive Left was equally confused. Jeremy Ben-Ami, Grand Poobah over at J-Street, summed up the feelings of angst. “I hope you appreciate how delicate this situation is. There is only one thing that my constituents dislike more than Israel Netanyahu’s policies, and that’s gluten.”

The reaction of the American political class was equally swift. Noted purveyor of wisdom Donald Trump declared that he would have cut a better deal with the Iranians that would have left them with only gluten-free products. President Obama admonished Americans not to discuss “so-called gluten” and that the current development was just the work of “some folks on the wrong side of dietary history”. Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton mentioned that during her tenure, she flew 900,000 miles trying to combat gluten, while current Secretary of State Kerry noted that he was for gluten before he was against it. Former President Clinton adamantly declared that he in fact did not have sexual relations with that gluten.