Month: August 2019

Peter Beinart, Tikkun Olam

Peter Beinart converts to As-A-Jewdaism

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/22/2019 at 10:00 AM

Brooklyn: Excitement was in the air today as a leading As-A-Jewish pundit took the plunge and embraced the religion of As-A-Jewdaism. Noted critic of Israeli policies Peter Beinart dipped into the mikvah at Brooklyn’s Congregration Gates of Self-Righteousness and became a part of the As-A-Jewish people. The Daily Freier was on the scene to share in the simchas.

As the Congregation waited for the ceremony to begin, machers from the various denominations of As-A-Jewdaism milled about in the Jewish Lobby: Bundists, Julia Carmel Bat Dolezal, IfNotNow, Jew-ish Voice for Peace, and some writers for the Forward.  Then a hush fell on the crowd as Rabbi Ari L. Gold and Mr. Beinart walked into the room. Rabbi Gold welcomed the audience. “This is an amazing day for me As A Jew as we welcome Peter to the religion of As-A-Jewdaism. As a Jew I feel that Peter will be a great addition to our movement.”

The crowd remained silent as they waited for Mr. Beinart’s response.

“As a Jew I agree with you!” exclaimed Peter to wild applause.

Peter then gave a moving Dvar Torah, that felt kinda like a laundry list of why he thinks Israel sucks and kinda like a Taylor Swift breakup song. He mentioned Trump a lot. And Bibi of course. Also Marc Lamont Hill’s dreaminess. Honestly, there was a lot to unpack. But eventually he finished and then everyone went downstairs to the Social Hall/Food Co-Op for the reception. The Daily Freier was excited to ask the congregants about their fascinating religion.

“You see, As-A-Jewdaism has the same Holy Books as Traditional Judaism, we just interpret them differently.” explained Jesse from IfNotNow. “Also, we use a lot of Yiddish. Because Israelis don’t. And if we don’t know what a cool-sounding Yiddish word actually means, we use it anyway. Like ‘kvelling’. Because As A Jew!”

“Honestly, I never thought this would happen so quickly.” enthused Christine from Jew-ish Voice for Peace. “I mean, by converting before the High Holidays, Peter is giving up an incredible opportunity to write one of his “Crisis of the Soul” think-pieces for Haaretz about why some combination of the Kol Nidre service, Ivanka, and Breaking the Silence caused him to make this decision.” Christine lowered her voice to a whisper and moved in closer. “I’m telling you, even the bookies in Las Vegas were shocked by how fast Peter made the switch.”

Finally, the Daily Freier was able to talk to the man of the hour, Mr. Beinart. “I just hope that my actions As A Jew send a signal. You know, about my virtue. Oh, and also about the fast-growing religion of As-A-Jewdaism.” The Daily Freier asked Mr. Beinart if the conversion process was difficult. “Honestly, I’ve been on this road for quite a while, so it just felt natural.” Peter paused for a moment and continued. “Best of all, they didn’t make me do another Brit Milah because I was already an insufferable prick.”

Mossad, Start Up Nation

Red Sea Diving Resort tells the unbelievable story of an affordable Israeli hotel with good service

By Mark Levy & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/3/2019 at 11:00 AM

Tel Aviv: There’s a hot new Netflix film called “Red Sea Diving Resort”, and people in Israel can’t stop talking about it! The film tells the story of the Mossad’s clandestine operation to rescue Ethiopian Jews in the 1980’s and bring them home to Israel. But perhaps the most unbelievable part is that in order to make the mission succeed, the Mossad set up a really good hotel. That’s right. An Israeli hotel that was affordable AND with good customer service! The Daily Freier wandered around Central Tel Aviv pestering random strangers for their feelings on this crazy tale.

“Amazing!” enthused Ron C. as he sat on a bench on Dizengoff. “The way the Mossad went “deep undercover” by teaching their agents to treat the customers like ‘customers’ instead of ‘somebody stopping me from taking a smoke break.’ I mean, this didn’t just happen overnight. Ron took a drag from his cigarette and continued. “The flashback scenes were perfect: The meticulous planning, including a mock-up of the hotel where the waiters were specially trained not to throw their menus at the customers and demand tips! I felt like I was there!”

“I was sitting on the edge of my seat with suspense!” remarked Alert Local Ronit S. “I mean, the most suspenseful scene? Probably when they almost blew their cover after a customer asked for ice and Chris Evans laughed and said ‘This isn’t America’.  You could just cut the tension with a knife until he recovered, smiled, said he was just joking, and brought a full carafe of ice.”

The Daily Freier then solicited the opinion of tourist Jessica H. “So the scene where the unsuspecting European tourists check in, and the Mossad is running Zodiac boats just 200 meters away? That was cool, but the whole time I was thinking, ‘Wait, someone cleaned their rooms!’ Also, Mossad Headquarters got a native English speaker to proofread all of the signs in the hotel so that they didn’t just say ridiculous nonsense! I couldn’t believe it!”

As the article went to print, several Facebook groups popped up with Israelis asking the Mossad to take over hotels in Mitzpe Ramon, Eilat, and basically all of Tiberias.