Category: Yom Ha’atzmaut

Today your Waze navigation advice is from Nefesh B’Nefesh!

So in honor of Israel’s 70th Birthday, President Rivlin lent his voice to the navigation App Waze! But guess what? He wasn’t their first choice! Waze tested several other Israeli public figures and Organizations, yet for various reasons, they just didn’t work out. But the Daily Freier is providing YOU our loyal readers with the transcripts of the rejected applicants. Yesterday we published author/journalist Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s Waze narration. And today we provide you the Waze instructions provided by your Nefesh B’Nefesh Aliyah Counselor. Her name is BatSheva. Or Elisheva. Or Just Sheva. We kinda forgot. Anyhoo, strap in! It’s going to be a Wild Ride!


OMG Hi! Wait, you just did a Semester at Hebrew University??? Wow, that sounds A-MA-ZING! Isn’t Israeli Higher Education Incredible? You know, if you were a citizen, it would be MUCH cheaper! Hint, Hint! …… Ha Ha! Just Kidding! Not Really!

OK, So where are we going today? The Airport? You’re flying to London for an Internship? Ummm, yeah….. Not really feeling that, you know? I mean, No beaches in London, LOL! So yeah, what time is your flight? 3 hours? OK, Fine. What’s that? You think we’re going the wrong way to the airport? Oh no, this is a shortcut. Only Olim know it!

OK, back to your plans. Because to tell you the truth, I really think you should make Aliyah. And Israel is so Diverse! I mean, it’s not just Jerusalem and Tel Aviv. Haifa is Amazing. And there’s the Galilee! Can I interest you in our “Go North” program?

What’s that? You think you’re going to miss your flight to London because it’s been 45 minutes and we still haven’t gotten on the Highway?? Maybe that’s a sign from HaShem! Because to be honest, I think you’re making a Huge Mistake. At the very least you should do a MASA program until you come to your senses and give up this silly idea of living in Chul.

Wait a minute, it looks like we somehow ended up at the Nefesh B’Nefesh Jerusalem office. And we’re just in time for this week’s Aliyah fair! It’s a one-stop shop for you to get all of your paperwork in order. If everything goes right, we can submit your Aliyah application tomorrow morning! Isn’t this incredible? What are the Odds? I mean, Only in Israel, right?

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Sarah Tuttle-Singer narrates your Waze directions!

So in honor of Israel’s 70th Birthday, our much beloved President/National Grandfather Reuven Rivlin is lending his voice to the Israeli driving app Waze! How amazing is that? But did you know that President Rivlin was not their first choice? Waze tested several other Israeli public figures, yet for various reasons, it just didn’t work out. But the Daily Freier was able to steal acquire the transcripts of the celebrities rejected for this honor. And this week we will review them all: Your Nefesh B’ Nefesh Aliyah Counselor, The Netanyahus (Bibi, Sara, and Yair!), the Editorial Board of Haaretz, Aryeh Deri, and the Israeli guy you just matched with on Tindr who currently wants to bang you and/or invite you to his Cousin’s wedding next week in Hadera. But today? Today we present you the rejected Waze narration from Times of Israel editor/author Sarah Tuttle-Singer! So without further ado, here are the transcripts!


(Time 11:00, Jerusalem, Davidka Square)

Oh hey! So you need to drive to Ben Gurion for a 3 PM flight? No problem, I know this city like the back of my hand, I even wrote a book about it! So let’s take this Amazing secret passage through Machane Yehuda! You see, last Purim I kissed a Haredi Woman there. No really! We were both wearing masks, but we all wear different masks every day of our lives, right? I mean when you think about…..wait a second, turn left here…..So anyway, we kissed and it was incredible….. Careful, the light’s about to turn red….But anyways, it was Purim, so, I mean like YOLO, right?

(Time: 11:57, Jaffa Street)

You may want to turn left here, they’ve been doing construction on this road for months and making like ZERO progress but when I asked the foreman what the holdup was, we sat down over a cup of sahlab and got in a long talk about his Army service and why he always plays Scrabble on Simchat Torah and…..wait a second, where was I? OMG the kiss? Can I tell you about the kiss? So as we finally broke our embrace, I swept away the bangs of her sheitl and we were both just so present in the moment. And as we parted our separate ways into the Jerusalem darkness, I could hear her voice echo off the ancient cobblestones: “Sei Gezunt!”……OK, let’s head toward the Damascus Gate. No, don’t worry it’s totally chill. And sorry but I’m going to have to insist that you stop at my friend Mustafa’s cafe for the BEST Arabic coffee in the city. Don’t worry, we have time. I mean, the cardamom? Can I tell you about the cardamo….. Take your second right in the roundabout….I could write an entire short story on how the taste of the cardamom lingers on the tongue and takes you back to the 15th Century and to long ago villages and Winter rain and first love and…..

(Time: 12:49, somewhere near the Siloam Pools)

OK I think we’re lost right now. Wait, I can fix this. Can you drive until you see a furniture shop with this tall guy standing outside with the most incredible green eyes so even when I knew he was kinda overcharging me to re-upholster my couch, I didn’t care because I mean, easy on the eyes? (Get it? Get it?)

(Time: 13:26, The American Colony)

OMG OMG OMG stop the car! That’s Sarit, and she makes the most INCREDIBLE jewelry out of Goldstar bottle caps, dental floss, 10 Agurot coins, and tree sap! Can you run in and give her a hug for me and tell her that I’m sorry I missed her son’s Bris but that we totally need to catch up over drinks at Crave? It will only take a minute.

(Time: 14:08, Ammunition Hill)

OK, it looks like you might not make your flight, but I mean, isn’t life really about the journey?

Air Force One Accidentally Joins Israeli Independence Day Flyover

The Daily Freier By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 5/2/2017 at 10:30 AM

Tel Aviv, Gordon Beach: Israeli Security Agency Shin Bet pooped a brick and a half this morning when Donald Trump’s Air Force One accidentally appeared in the country’s Independence Day aerial flyover.

The whole Middle East held its breath as the U.S. President’s private jet, returning from a photographic tour of the Hezbollah Gorillas In the Mist, suddenly veered left, pirouetted and somersaulted into the Israeli Air Force’s procession up the Mediterranean coast.

The crowd ooooohed and aaaaahed but it was clear that the annual display was only supposed to feature F-35’s, F-52’s, B-52s, Commodore 64s, paper planes, the helicopter from the A-Team, the Starship Enterprise, the hot air balloon starring Wonderwoman Gal Gadot, and a drone owned by patriotic forgetful taxpayer/model Bar Refaeli. Incidentally, United Airlines was not invited. And El Al was late. And then, out of nowhere, a plume of orange smoke sent terrified beachgoers diving for cover.

The Donald, unusually defensive, tried to defuse the situation: “Why the fuss? Melania didn’t believe me that Israel was the size of New Jersey. I wanted to show her. Happy 69th Birthday Israel. 69 is the best number. Just the best. I love that number and believe me, I have had a lot of numbers. #69tweeted the U.S. President, with a winky emoji.

Never one to reveal too much, Press Secretary Sean ‘I’m-calm-now‘ Spicer added: “Afterwards, the President had a very lively, I mean friendly, chat with Israeli PM Benjamin No-you-can’t-do-too-yoo-hoo. We are also planning to display the might of the US Air Force…. in a surprise flyover… starting in Washington DC at 8pm on Saturday…. after the Trumps come back from a celebratory dinner on the Champs-Élysées with the Le Pens, Les Pens, the Pens, Ha Penim. Whatever. With fountain pens and stationery. Damn it. I don’t know. It’s been 105 days. And I’m tired.

North Korea’s little dicta-doll, Kim Wrong Un almost choked on his Sausage and Egg McMuffin in disbelief.

#goingtohellinahandbasket
#hunkerdownandprayfordaylight