Month: June 2024

Jerusalem, Sarah Tuttle-Singer

Sneak Preview: Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s Movie!

Stop the Presses! The Daily Freier has a sneak preview of Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s new movie about her adventures in Jerusalem! That’s right, Sarah is shooting a movie in Jerusalem this week, and we have an exclusive look at some of the scenes! How did we do it, you ask? We waited nonchalantly at the bottom of Machane Yehuda while she exited a cab with 3 cats and accidentally dropped a page of the screenplay. This sort of thing happens to us more than you think. But don’t take our word for it, see for yourselves! Just remember you saw it here first!

Scene: Security Checkpoint at entrance to City Hall Plaza. Sarah is arguing with a police officer.

Sarah: Smadar, why are you going through my purse?

Smadar: I’m looking for something.

Sarah: Smadar, you’ve known me for years. I once got you into the good lounge at Ben Gurion. What are you talking about?

Smadar (grabs a small packet): Found it.

Sarah: But Smadar, that’s bird seed!!!

Smadar: Yes and yesterday when you were here, the pigeons in the plaza somehow arranged themselves to read “Bibi Sucks“.

Sarah (looks into the distance): Wow…ummm… that’s… that’s just crazy. It doesn’t even make any sense…

Smadar (throws packet in the trash): Yom Tov, Sarah.

Scene: Jaffa Gate. Two young women dressed in the style of religious modesty are sitting on a bench quietly chatting in North American accented English. Sarah approaches from the Citadel of David.

Sarah: Ladies, can I just tell you that I love your dresses? It’s so cool that you can be Tznius and look Amazing at the same time, right?

(The women stare blankly in confusion)

Sarah: I’m so glad you came to Jerusalem for a year of Sem. But I mean, it’s Thursday evening! Shouldn’t you be down at Crack Square looking for your future husbands???

(Sarah grabs the women by the hand and pulls them up.)

Sarah: Come on, let’s walk down there together. I was going to Mike’s Place anyway! But hold my flask for a minute while I put away this jar of labneh that I got from my friend Rania!

Young Woman (slightly frightened): Umm, we’re like Latter Day Saints from Idaho, and we’re at BYU Jerusalem serving our mission?

Sarah: OMG

Scene: Church of the Holy Sepulchre Rooftop, mid-morning. Sarah is sitting next to an Ethiopian Orthodox Priest. Two German tourists are taking photos of a crow as it persistently pecks at a discarded plastic tub of hummus.

Sarah: Which brings us back to the question of the historical Jesus, and how we can center him in a 1st Century fight for social justice against a corrupted priesthood in collusion with a despotic Roman Empire. I mean, you could only pay your tithe at the Temple with their coin, so it’s basically a Monopoly preying on the poor. But at the same time, we can’t forget John the Baptist. I mean you guys call him the precursor, right? But does he have a role independent of…

Priest: Sarah my friend, your knowledge of our shared history is vast. But is it impolite in your culture if I ask you to pass the joint now?

(Fade to Black)

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Al Jazeera

Lazy Al Jazeera Journalist Has Only One Hostage in His Attic

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12 June 2024 at 5:30 PM

Gaza: Al Jazeera journalist Firas H. is suffering some serious reputational damage in his hometown these days. You see, Firas is currently holding just one Israeli hostage in the crawlspace above his Khan Yunis living room, and his lack of motivation is causing his neighbors to talk.

“Just who does this guy think he is?” asked local greengrocer Mohamed K. “This shows poor character and possibly reflects badly on his upbringing.”

“This is just shameful.” chastised University student Fatima H. “I don’t know this layabout, but we are distant cousins. My greatest fear is that his lack of ambition will negatively affect my marriage prospects. I mean, people talk around here.”

The Daily Freier tried to stop by the Al Jazeera office in Jerusalem, but then we remembered that Israel kicked their tuchuses (tuchi?) out of Israel last month. So we spoke to Firas’s manager Karim via Zoom from his Qatar office.

“I am sick of this fool.” lamented Karim as he smoked a cigarette. “Constantly giving me excuses for not holding more ‘Israelis’ in his attic. ‘The floor cannot hold the weight. Their crying would disturb my baby.’ This sort of nonsense.” Karim dragged on his cigarette and continued. “Now Abdallah Aljamal? That guy was a real go-getter! Three Hostages in his house! You want to get promoted? Be more like Abdallah!” Firas looked around the room for a minute and shrugged his shoulders. “I mean, without the whole ‘getting shot by Israelis when they break into your house’ thing, know what I’m saying?”

As the Daily Freier finished our phone call, Abdallah told us that he loved the architecture at the Kirya IDF Headquarters in Tel Aviv, and asked if we could take some photos of the Entry Control Point on Kaplan Street for him.