With today’s reality of hectic schedules and struggling to maintain a work/life balance, Safety in the Home is often neglected. Yet we at the Daily Freier actually know a guy who has somehow managed to stay safe despite the fact that he is a shut-in who weirdly insists that people are trying to kill him. So we reached out to our neighbor to the North (Did you know that the Daily Freier was once on Hezbollah Television? Neither did we!) for advice. Don’t let anyone tell you that Sheikh Nasrallah is not helpful, because he was very quick with his response to us, despite the fact that he insisted on communicating via Western Union Telegram. So here it is: Hassan Nasrallah’s Top Ten Home Safety Tips!
1) An Electric Coffee Maker should never greet you in the morning by saying “Heyoosh!”
2) Never trust a Beeper Salesman who offers you free Chasers of Tubi.
3) Your watch is ticking: OK. Your IPod Touch is ticking: Not OK.
4) Ibrahim Aqil probably shouldn’t have posted that meet-up on LinkedIn.
5) Just because an Electronics Company has low prices & good service doesn’t mean it’s not secretly Israeli.*
6) Remember when a Telemarketer was the worst kind of phone call that you could get? Good Times.
7) Wait, why did my Google Calendar just schedule a meeting next Tuesday afternoon with Soleimani?
8) “Imad Mugniyeh once hired us to detail his car.” is NOT a good reference on a Company’s website.
9) That guy who said Open Communication is the key to good relationships? Well he’s an idiot.
10) Careful! Some cultures respond aggressively when you fire missiles at them every day for 12 months.
* OK but this was really an honest mistake on their part. -The Daily Freier Editorial Staff
