Hey guys, I just came up with an A-MA-ZING idea! Let’s give back the Golan Heights! Yeah, the strategic plateau that overlooks the Galilee! The one with Zero Palestinians and that also lets the IDF have a clear shot at Damascus! We need to do this, like, yesterday. Look, over the last 50 years, we’ve established wineries and farms and a ski resort, so it would be kinda cool to give those things to Bashar Assad. Yeah, Asma’s husband! That guy! The one who dropped barrel bombs full of chlorine gas on kids! Great idea, right? C’mon, enough is enough. The UN General Assembly just passed a non-binding resolution condemning us for holding onto it!
It’s not like Assad owes Hezbollah and Iran any favors after they saved his regime. If we can’t trust him, we may as well not trust anybody. I mean, I think you guys just need to relax. John Kerry said it was a good idea!
Tel Aviv, HaKirya: The Israel Defense Force’s Headquarters is currently in crisis mode as hundreds of critical installations across the country remain unmanned following an Iranian cyber-attack. The attack took the form of several thousand fake posts on the popular Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” offering a wealth of items “free to a Lone Soldier”. The Daily Freier attended a hastily put-together News Conference at their Tel Aviv Headquarters.
“The current condition is critical.This is worse than the time Hamas catfished us with fake profiles of hot Israeli women. explained IDF Spokesperson Major Guy C. “Every Lone Soldier is currently away from their Duty Station, running around Greater Tel Aviv trying to score their free PlayStation, coffee tables, Televisions, refrigerators and futons. This attack affected hundreds of soldiers. Oh and also a robot from the Bomb Squad.”
To make matters worse, the Lone Soldiers temporarily crashed the Secret Tel Aviv server while posting hundreds of requests for the free use of a vehicle in order to go pick up the make-believe free stuff they believed they were getting, temporarily depriving the City of crowd-sourced relationship advice, amateur insect identification, and people selling MidBurn tickets.
Yet while the IDF truly faces a crisis, the Daily Freier wanted to reach out to the Chayal Boded Community and find out just how they were affected by this giant balagan on a personal level. An American Lone Soldier named ‘Danny’ described his pain. “When I found out someone was giving away old PS3 games, I dropped everything and hitchhiked from my base in the Golan to Givatayim.” The Daily Freier asked Danny how he felt about Iran’s trickery. “Honestly, I feel betrayed. I mean, I didn’t even get any free games.” Danny then abruptly got up from his chair and moved quickly to the door. “Hey, sorry but I gotta go. A woman on Ibn Gavriol says she’s moving back to the UK and giving away a guitar, yoga mat, ramen noodles, and a coffee pot. And I need to move fast.”
Bekaa Valley, Lebanon: With this week’s little misunderstanding with our Northern neighbors, it appears that the region is one step closer to war. Yes, despite last Autumn’s highly effective #IsraelLovesLebanon hashtag campaign, it appears that not everyone is feeling the love. In fact, Iran continues to arm Hezbollah with advanced weaponry, including its latest “Ben Rhodes” Missile. Yet today the Daily Freier discovered an even more serious escalation: Hezbollah has turned an isolated part of the Bekaa Valley into a realistic simulation of Tel Aviv in which to train its troops. In fact, this “Little Tel Aviv” is so realistic, it’s overpriced, covered in cannabis smoke, full of electric bikes, and smells like dried pee. In order to get a better picture of the situation, the Daily Freier interviewed a Hezbollah representative named “Ali” via Skype.
“Yesterday, we tested one of our squads on what it would be like to be inserted into the city.” explained Ali. “So they hid out in a cafe until dark and ended up spending all of their allotted funds on 30 Shekel cups of coffee. And when they went outside at nightfall, their bikes had been stolen.”
As Ali continued his description, volunteers were visible in the background chugging large amounts of water and tea in order to help put the finishing touches on the city’s unique aromas. “We had to postpone last week’s exercise after our mortar squad tried to take a shortcut through the Namal port and ran out of funds.” Ali then introduced the mortar team leader, Hassan. “We were moving through the Namal and saw a Shuk, so we said ‘Hey, let’s stop for supplies.’ An hour later we wandered out with 4 white potatoes and a jar of tahina for 150 Shekels….. They said it was organic.”
To make matters worse, Ali revealed that their Logistics Unit quit halfway through the Exercise and decided to form a start-up. “Now they just stand on the roof all day with their shirts off playing ping-pong.”
Ali also explained that the problems reached as far as Hezbollah’s Women’s Auxiliary. “Zeynep is one of our sisters in the Resistance who served as a role player in ‘Little Tel Aviv’. But last week she bought a small dog and now she has a fitness-themed Instagram page that tries to sell you nutrition supplements and organic smoothies.”
SCENE: Headquarters, Justice League of Unemployed Lefty “Experts”
Former President Barack Obama: People, let me perfectly clear. These protests. In Iran. Are contributing. To instability. In the Middle East. And more importantly. They are. Endangering. My Legacy. Which is. The Iran Nuclear Deal.
Former Secretary of State John Forbes Kerry: I actually was for these protests, before I was against them.
Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton: (Stumbles in dressed in hiking gear and clutching a bottle of Chardonnay): Let’s tell everyone to be quiet and not voice support for the protesters. I mean, it worked last time.
South Beirut: The Daily Freier has received some unsolicited and somewhat unwanted publicity lately. Hezbollah, an organization that lately has seemed better at killing Sunni Muslims than it is at killing Israelis, has its very own television station called “Al-Manar”. And Al-Manar just aired the Daily Freier Movie, only they shortened the title from “American Oleh trapped in Ulpan Gordon for Seven Years” to “That Idiot Jew“. The Daily Freier tried to call Sheikh Nasrallah for an interview, but he’s scared the Mossad would trace the call. So we settled for Hussein, a production assistant at Al-Manar TV.
“We really felt this was a story for the whole family.” explained Hussein. “Mothers, fathers, children, grandparents…. they can all sit together in the evening and enjoy the story of this walid majnoon named Jeff.”
Yet it was not only Al-Manar that loved the show, but also the average man and woman on the street. The Daily Freier asked one of our friends at Reuters to wander South Beirut and ask random people how they feel about the Daily Freier movie.
“That ridiculous Jew named Jeff! He is so stupid!” chuckled a barrel-chested guy with a mustache named Jaffar. “I will keep tuning in to see if he learns future tense verbs. But I doubt this will happen.”
“I really loved the show! He is such a fool!” exclaimed Fatima. She then quickly looked around to make sure nobody was listening and lowered her voice to a whisper. “I know it’s Haram… but I find ‘Jeff’ strangely attractive.”
Word of Al-Manar’s airing of “That Idiot Jew” has even moved beyond Lebanon and is now enjoying popularity abroad. Famed singer/songwriter/activist/dick Roger Waters was quite excited about the new show. “Finally! a show that really has a message!” Roger exclaimed.
While Al-Manar has enjoyed significant success with their new show, it has not come without protest from the Daily Freier itself. Our editor Yuval Weiss shared his anger during an interview with CNN earlier today.
Yuval: What Hezbollah Television did was illegal! It was immoral! and we are not going to…..
CNN: We have just learned that your website has 500,000 unique hits today alone. Additionally, a Muslim Dating Site wants to purchase a 2 month block of advertising on the Daily Freier. How does this…
Yuval: On second thought, we all must try to show greater empathy. We reluctantly accept Hezbollah’s actions in the name of cultural sensitivity.
In another piece of good news, after watching Hezbollah TV’s version of our movie, The New Israel Fund just offered us a 50,000 Shekel grant.
Jerusalem: People around here have seen a lot, but something is different this week. On Wednesday, something happened that was so profound that it very well may have been a modern Hanukkah miracle. Ketchup heiress/Navy Veteran/Dude who lost to Dubya/Diplomat John Kerry spoke for 75 minutes without actually having anything to say. With only enough relevant ideas to fill a 5 minute chat, Kerry somehow summoned enough J-Street talking points, Senate anecdotes, and Thomas Friedman clichés to make his talk last 75 minutes. Nes Gadol Haya Sham! So the Daily Freier hit the streets to find out the word. On the streets.
As the Daily Freier exited Jerusalem’s Central Bus Station, we ran into a familiar face: Alert Local Ronit S., who was on her way to the Ministry of Education to get a scuba diving certification from Cancun translated into Hebrew so she could be a dive instructor or something. We asked Ronit if she heard the speech.
“Yeah. They played it on the bus the whole way here. Seventy. Five. Minutes. It was so bad that the driver actually had to pull over to get some fresh air near Latrun. I made a bet with the guy next to me on how long it would last. He said 90 minutes, I said 70. So I won. 50 Shekels. The guy was mad and insisted that if Kerry was allowed to also speak in French that the speech would have hit 2 hours.”
The Daily Freier said goodbye to Ronit and proceeded onto the Light Rail toward the Illegally Occupied Western Wall. On the Light Rail, we saw Historian Yoni K. who went on to explain the significance of Kerry’s speech. “What Secretary Kerry did was like transporting me back in time.” explained Yoni as he looked into the distance. “It was like I was in Barack Obama’s Columbia University Dorm Room bull session circa 1983. Imagine a reality where Israel never offered the Palestinians a State in 2000, 2001, and 2008. A reality where Ehud Barak never completely withdrew from South Lebanon in a UN certified move in 2000, and Hezbollah never promptly moved in and kidnapped an Israeli patrol. In this Alternative Universe, Ariel Sharon never removed every Jew from Gaza and handed it over to the Palestinian Authority in 2005; and Hamas never evicted the PA from Gaza in 2007…. You know, for a minute while I was listening to his speech….. I thought that I was high.”
The Daily Freier jumped off the Light Rail and walked over to city hall where several children sat in a circle playing dreidel.
“Gimmel” shouted one boy as he grabbed a handful of candy from a pile in the center.
“Hay” shouted another, as he too grabbed some candy.
“Nun” mumbled another boy as the other kids started to taunt him. “Ha Ha!” They shouted as they handed him the headphones of an I-Pod. “Now you have to listen to Kerry recount his special friendship with Shimon Peres.”
Jerusalem: Prospects for peace took a turn for the better this week as leaders in the Middle East tried to emulate the goofy logic of Donald ‘The Donald‘ Trump. Suddenly, longstanding enemies have decided to pay for each others’ infrastructure projects, boosting the chances of a less violent 2017.
The day after US presidential hopeful Donald Trump claimed that Mexico would pay for a long wall that HE wants to build, Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu was inspired by such an act of generosity, making the Palestinians an offer they can’t refuse. He agreed to pay for the conversion of the maze of tunnels built by Hamas under Israel into affordable housing, offering small (your realtor called them “cozy”) 2.5 room flats with modern conveniences unknown in Israel such as an actual kitchen, a living room where people can sit, functioning air conditioning units and an IKEA shelving unit tailored for grenades. Tel Aviv residents have already begun to include the tunnels into their searches on Yad Shtayim.
Hamas’ northern buddies Hezbollah seemed to appreciate the gesture by Bibi, immediately offering to pay for a higher barbed wire fence separating Lebanon from Israel. Hezbollah leader, Hassan Nasrallah confirmed on their Al Manar Television Station: “We still remain opposed to The Zionist Entity’s right to be on any map but we wanted to make it a little more challenging for our pious and motivated fighters when they fire rockets over the barbed wire. So we set up a standing order to import the metal wire from all of Bar Refaeli’s bras.”
The Egyptians called for a ceasefire between its army and the various terrorists wandering around Sinai, who were getting bored with shooting tin cans off the backs of camels. Cairo has built a second set of Pyramids – out of chickpeas – to offer 3 star accommodation to the violent jihadists. Tragically, thirty fighters died when one of the Pyramids collapsed Jenga-style after a local housewife took a handful to make hummus.
Young Man: Hi my name is Daniel. But my friends call me Barry. I’m from Hawaii.
Ally: That is so cool!
Daniel: Yes. Yes it is. Say, who is that large angry guy walking over?
Ally: OMG, that’s my ex, Johnny Khameini. He’s in that Karate Gang called Cobrazbullah Kai. I hate him.
Johnny: Hey Ally, whose this tool?
Ally: Johnny, stop!
Daniel: It’s OK, Ally. I can reason with him. Johnny, I understand you may have some legitimate grievances against me. I’ve come to your land and now I’m trying to impose my values on….
[Johnny beats the crap out of Daniel]
Daniel: To be perfectly frank, I deserved that.
[SCENE: Outside a High School Dance. Daniel is running from a gang]
Johnny: I’m gonna kick your ass Daniel!
Daniel: I don’t think you’re being very productive with that kind of talk!
[Johnny and the Cobrazbullah Kai Gang jump Daniel. An old man who looks kinda Japanese but kinda Jewish appears and fights off the attackers]
Daniel: Thank you old man, but I was just about to convince those guys that there are better ways to work out their deep-seated yet legitimate grievances. By the way, what’s your name?
Old Man: I am Mr. Bibiyagi. And you must learn to stand up for yourself and stop being such a…..such a…… Freier.
Daniel: Quite frankly, that kind of popping off is just not helpful.
Mr. Bibiyagi: (Sighs) Here, let me teach you some moves.
[Shows Daniel ‘Wax on, Wax off’]
[Scene: Three Months Later. A Big Karate Tournament.]
Mr. Bibiyagi: Daniel-san, are you ready to spar with Johnny Khameini?
Daniel: Yeah…. about that. Listen, Mr. Bibiyagi. I appreciate your advice, even when, quite frankly, it was wrong. And I know that you think you know a lot about karate. But listen: I once lived in Indonesia for a year. So I know some things that you don’t necessarily know. Anyway, I came up with a better idea, so I don’t believe it’s necessary to spar with Johnny in the tournament. Here it comes right now.
[A forklift enters the arena and drops a pallet of $100 Bills in front of Johnny]
Daniel: Here’s the money, Johnny. 400 Million. So are we cool?
Johnny (laughing): Sure we are, Daniel. Sure we are…..Until next month that is.
Daniel: That sounds fair.
Mr. Bibiyagi: Oy gevalt. [Places head in hands.Walks away]
Tel Aviv: The world will hold its breath this weekend as Israel and West ISIS will do battle for a shock place in the World Cup semi finals, after both teams overachieved in the group stages.
The tense clash will be the first time the Zionist nation has gone head to almost-head with West ISIS, who surprisingly topped the Caliphate group after a penalty shootout win against Al Qaeda…when the opposition goalkeeper was beheaded during the coin toss.
After losing 5-1 to East ISIS in the opening game, the signs weren’t good for West ISIS, whose entire midfield was hurled into the stands after the linesman was blown up for raising the wrong flag. Managed by Kassam Allardyce, they switched the formation to play 10 up front and one lookout at the back after a poor back pass saw a central defender hit on the head by a flaming vuvuzela. That formation worked as they sneaked through the group stages with wins over Al Nusra and Boko Loco before clinching top spot in an eventful win over Al Qaeda. Trailing one nil, West ISIS controversially equalised in stoppage time when an in-swinging corner found super sub Jihadi Ringo, who had only put on his suicide vest moments before. He nodded the ball goalwards. The keeper palmed the ball away but the striker’s head flew in, along with two fingers, a right elbow and a knuckleduster. As ISIS fans celebrated by singing Liverpool FC’s ‘You’ll never walk alone‘, the opposition fans began to chant ‘You’ll never walk again‘ so the referee awarded the goal before he was assaulted by irate tea vendors.
Israel’s qualification was more routine as they coasted through, under the management of financial wizards Ehud Olmert and Aryeh Deri. Opposing managers were paying shekels into their offshore bank accounts while the Israeli attack scored freely. Israel thrashed Lebanon 6-0 when they turned the floodlights and water off after hearing of a rocket fired at Haifa. The Zionists romped past the Future Palestinian State, 9-0, after Israel’s Egyptian coach Sissi executed the substitutes bench, which was being used as a grenade factory. The BBC called for an immediate boycott, running with the headline: ‘Palestinian heartbreak as Israel steals football glory‘.
This World Cup had been awash with dramas and scandals. Mexico were kicked out for refusing to play the USA unless Donald Trump quit the race for president. Germany were docked points for fielding a squad comprised only of Syrian refugees, while England’s threat to leave the European Union saw them placed in the Pacific Group where they were knocked out 1-0 by sleeping giants Fiji. Speculation still remains about the result of the game between Israel and Iran, managed by former Ayatollah favourite, Haveyouhadyourdinnerdad. The Al-Jazeera commentary box and cameras were detonated by Hezbollah when fans rose for the Israeli national anthem Hatikva. Drone footage, however, showed the Iranian first XI limping off at the final whistle, beaten and bruised, screaming ‘OK, OK, so Israel bloody exists!’
Oddly, there are plenty of tickets still on sale for the Israel-ISIS clash at the stadium in the central Asian republic of Icouldntgiveaf–kistan. As TV networks booked flights out of the country, ex FIFA president Sepp Blatter promised security would be as tight as his wallet and as comfortable as his padded cell in Switzerland.
The football pilgrimage is expected to see Israel bring 25,000 fans including the publicity-shy supermodel Bar Refaeli. It is unclear how many ISIS fans will come until the end of a three-week gun battle in Palmyra. Available at www.armageddon.com (strictly a fanciful jest!–The Freier Legal Department), tickets start at $5 and include a souvenir program, a light beer and funeral expenses.
Tel Aviv, HaKirya: The Israel Defense Force conducted a contentious press conference today, where its spokesperson refused to comment on the empty bag of Bamba snack food and crumpled COFIX Coffee cup found in bushes 50 meters from the site where Samir Kuntar and other Hezbollah-affiliated operatives were fixed up on a blind date with some virgins killed by missiles early this morning. “The IDF has no comment on these so-called snack foods found at the scene of today’s events.”
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