Tag: Bamba

The Barshank Redemption

(An original-ish Screenplay by Lee Saunders & Aaron Pomerantz)


[SCENE: February 2021, Neve Tirza Prison for Women]

Narrator (sounding a bit like Sara Netanyahu. But definitely *NOT* Morgan Freeman): I must admit I didn’t think much of Bar, first time I laid eyes on her. She might’ve been important in Hollywood, but here in the joint she was just another woman in prison grays. Looked like a stiff breeze could blow her over. I bet the other inmates that she would crack under the pressure the first night….cost me two packs of cigarettes. She never made a sound, if you ignore the hairdryer, chatting on a satellite phone, and name-dropping. I could see why some of the girls took her for snobby. A talk and a strut that just wasn’t normal around here. She strolled. Like a woman with the best lawyer in the world and a cute blonde goysicher ex-boyfriend.

(Scene: The prison roof. Inmates are laying down tar. Sara Netanyahu is the prisoner trustee in charge of the detail. Bar is sunbathing.)

Sara (to another inmate): And now it looks like we need to declare the champagne, cigars, and clothes as income! Can you believe it???

Bar: Excuse me Sara, do you trust your husband?

Sara (dismissively):  Of course not, don’t be ridiculous…. but we’re still throwing you off this roof for your chutzpanit.

(Two burly women grab Bar)

Bar (speaking quickly): Because I know a way that you can avoid declaring those gifts by putting them in your husband’s name!

Sara: Leave her alone, girls.

(The women let Bar go)

Sara: OK…. I’m listening Mami.

Narrator: And that’s how it all started. Soon she was doing taxes for the wardens. She polished their shoes. I mean, SHE didn’t polish them, but one of her people did. She promised to introduce the guards to Gal Gadot if they just brought in some decent shampoo from SuperPharm.

Sara: Hey Bar, how did you smuggle in all of this bamba and moisturizer?

Bar: I got them from Ehud over in the Men’s Block.  Now be a dear and help me smuggle the stuff I got from Duty Free. It’s waiting in the Elevator.

Sara (confused): Wait, when did we get an elevator?

Narrator: It got to be too much, we just couldn’t stand it. So me and the girls blew up a photo of my Bibi in the photocopier room, stuck it to the wall and gave her some nail clippers. Just to get her out of here.

EPILOGUE (spoken by a serious-sounding old dude): In the Spring of 2021, Refaeli escaped from Neve Tirza-shank Prison. She had spent 19 hours tunneling through the wall of her cell, which had all the solid foundations of a Tel Aviv apartment. Within a day, she was tremping it down to the Sinai.

Narrator: I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged. They are meant to live their quai-legal lives in the scorching Middle Eastern sun, surrounded by hash and snorkelers.

(Fade to Black)

 

 

 

 

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Tel Aviv’s Vegan Dogs host Meet-up in Gan Meir

Vegan dogs’ meetups club opening its doors at Gan Meir Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 8/18/2016 at 6:10 PM

Tel Aviv, Gan Meir: As the City’s vegan restaurant are rapidly increasing, Tel Aviv dogs don’t want to be left behind.  Labrador Retriever “Rocky” and American Pit Bull Terrier “Bamba“,  the founders of the “Tel Aviv Vegan dogs’ Chavurah”, opened a special vegan section at Gan Meir with bi-weekly meet-ups for like-minded canines. The Daily Freier got a chance to take a short interview before their first meetup.

Rocky explained his dog journey of self discovery “After I became vegan 2 years ago, I’ve discovered a whole new world of tastes and flavours. It’s been a turning point of my life that helped me to distinguish a lot. Unfortunately, like any cutting-edge idea, the vegan dogs’ movement wasn’t welcome in a dogs’ community.

Rocky then described the reactions of fellow Tel Avivian canines. “From smirking and frowning to condemnation – we’ve seen all kinds of muzzle expressions. But we won’t let them ridicule us! We stand by our principles, and quite soon they will understand how terribly wrong they were”.

They’ve just gone astray. It’s okay.”  agreed Bamba as she calmly continued her yoga practice. “I feel like down dog pose is more spiritual than cat pose (not even mentioning rabbit)”. Bamba paused for a second. ”Oh, I mean we welcome all breeds and mammals. We are here to share love and positive energy”. Bamba then showed us what they brought for the first meetup. “We’ve got aroma sticks, and some delicious snacks provided by the new vegan store on Sheinkin”.

In these brochures you can read how barbarically pet food producers treat our brothers and sisters.” interjected Rocky. “This makes me feel sorrowful…” sighed Bamba, who quickly changed the subject. “Oh, and here we have some amazing handmade leashes. My friend just came back from India and sells them for a very good price. Want a few?

We weren’t sure what we might need them for, so we decided to excuse ourselves and leave.

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Now you can sweat like a local with the “Secretion Tel Aviv” App!

secret

(Photo Credit: We totally came up with this ourselves- The Freier Legal Department)

By Aaron Pomerantz and Mark Levy

Last Updated 7/30/2016 at 5:30 PM

Yafo: The City’s tech community is kinda excited right now about the hottest app on the streets: “Secretion Tel Aviv“. This breakthrough technology allows you to ‘sweat like a local’ by monitoring your activity, food intake, choice of clothing, and caffeine levels.  The Daily Freier talked with the “Secretion Tel Aviv” Start-Up team as they took a break from a rigorously playing ping-pong on a roof in Yafo.

A lot of times, Olim get to Tel Aviv and feel intimidated.  They’re at the beach. They’re trying to impress the locals.” explained lead technician Jered B. “They’re sweating a lot.  But guess what? It’s Diaspora sweat. Not the same.  You want the pheromones?  You need to go local.

Jered led the Daily Freier downstairs to their product development suite, and showed us the rigorous tests that the product has gone through.  Sitting side by side on a couch in a room without very good air conditioning were two gentlemen: a shirtless, heavyset guy eating bamba named Motti (who was in fact the Building’s Vaad Bayit), and a nervous, Oleh named Joshua wearing an Emory University T-Shirt and a pooka shell necklace. Each had wires attached to his forehead, wrists, and chest that were hooked up to some sort of monitor. “So you see Motti over there? His sweat is amazing.  Like the Gold Standard. His diet of coffee, hummus, bamba, and chopped salad produces the perfect mix…..On the other hand, Joshua is still sweating like a Galut…. Now watch this…..”

As an assistant checked the monitor, Jered fed Joshua some bamba with Cofix coffee, and then handed him a lit spliff.  We waited 5 minutes and then checked the monitors as well as the App version on Jered’s I-Phone. “So according to the monitors, Joshua’s sweat passed ‘Oleh’ levels, is approaching ‘I spent a year in MASA’, and may even break into ‘Lone Soldier’ territory.”   And the Daily Freier had to admit that his Hebrew sounded better also.

The Secretion Tel Aviv App is now available on I-Tunes, but the juice guy on the corner says he can download you a better version if you stop by.

Olmert can get you a better cell in A-Block for 2 cartons of smokes and some bamba

Gili Yohanan POOL

(Photo Credit: Gili Yohanan/POOL)

By Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 4/12/2016 at 1:40 PM

Ramle, Ma’asiyahu Prison: While you were lining up for roll call this morning you ran into “Uncle Ehud”, the new guy from Gimel-Block. And he says he can find you a really good place over in Aleph-Block which is walking distance to the commissary and has a window with a really nice view.  The deal sounds pretty good. And for a new guy, Ehud is really connected. He even got a job in the kitchen and meals have never been more efficient or tasty.  But for some reason the inventories keep coming up short. He says it must be something wrong with the version of Microsoft Excel that the Supply Office uses.

So Ehud says everything is ready to go and the deal can be finished before Lights-Out tonight.  He just needs you to put 2 cartons of cigarettes and a bag of bamba in a large manila envelope and drop it off with Shlomo the Orderly in the recreation yard. And if you can make the delivery by 3 PM, he will even throw in a blank Sick Pass from the Infirmary.

You know, even though you’re doing time and it isn’t easy here, things are getting better every day. And having a few high-profile convicts isn’t that bad either.  Maybe it means they make the place just a little bit nicer for everyone. No complaints here! And get this, for some reason Aryeh Deri got the Knesset to build us a Shabbat-Compliant elevator that will be completed before the High Holy Days!

IDF: “No Comment” on Bamba Wrappers, COFIX cup found near body of Samir Kuntar

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(AFP PHOTO / LOUAI BESHARA)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/20/2015 at 9:30 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya:  The Israel Defense Force conducted a contentious press conference today, where its spokesperson refused to comment on the empty bag of Bamba snack food and crumpled COFIX Coffee cup found in bushes 50 meters from the site where Samir Kuntar and other Hezbollah-affiliated operatives were fixed up on a blind date with some virgins killed by missiles early this morning.  “The IDF has no comment on these so-called snack foods found at the scene of today’s events.”

THIS ARTICLE IS FEATURED TODAY ON THE TIMES OF ISRAEL! READ THE REST OF THE STORY AT:

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/idf-no-comment-on-bamba-wrappers-cofix-cup-found-near-body-of-samir-kuntar/

 

 

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