Tel Aviv, Charles Clore Beach: Residents are calling it a modern miracle, as untreated sewage has chased the recent oil spill away from Tel Aviv’s beaches.
A few weeks back a bunch of oil started washing up on Israel’s shores, hurting wildlife and closing the beaches. Nobody knows exactly how it happened, but if you think that’s going to stop an Israeli politician from pontificating on something, well Boker Tov. Environmental Protection Minister Gila Gamliel decided that this would be a good time to publicize her personal Fauda Fan Fiction Blog, and blamed Iran for the oil spill because why not? Anyhoo, the oil spill was doing serious damage until Thursday night. You see, Tel Aviv’s sewage treatment system works amazingly well except for extremely rare events…. like whenever it rains a bit, and then a whole bunch of untreated sewage flows into the sea.
And that’s where the miracle happens. Sensing a violation of our sovereignty, the patriotic untreated sewage attacked the oil spill, forcing it to retreat toward Lebanon, which naturally submitted a UN resolution condemning Israel (OK, this part is actually true). Reaction from Israel’s streets was immediate.
“I always knew our poorly maintained municipal infrastructure would save us.” noted Yafo-based musician Assaf K. “Am Yisrael Chai.“
“This reminds us of the importance of not doing anything to fix our problems!” enthused Alert Local Ronit S. as she walked past a storm drain blocked by debris. “Imagine what would have happened to us if we had actually planned ahead?“
The Daily Freier looks forward to the Oil Spill writing an Op-Ed for Haaretz next week where it blames its departure from Israel on The Occupation.
Tehran: People all across Israel woke up to some disturbing news. The Iranian Government released photos of suspects in the untimely death of the Iranian Nuclear Scientist, and some of them look kinda familiar. The Daily Freier wandered around Tel Aviv pestering strangers until we got 250 words for this article.
First we stopped Assaf G. as he walked his dogs in Dizengoff Square. “The heavy-set one with the helmet of hair? I think he was the Shputznik I called last year about the mold in my bathroom.” Assaf continued to stare at the photo. “Did the Iranians catch this guy? Because he still owes me money.“
“The angry looking one with the stubble? He drives the Number 5 Sherut.” explained local housewife Dafna. “He seems tough but he’s actually quite nice. I talked to him about the elections last year on my ride home from Dizengoff Center. He voted Meretz.“
Finally, the Daily Freier ran into our very own Emily Goldstein, who studied the photo of the man with the receding hairline and the beard for several minutes. “I think I dated him when I first made Aliyah. He said he was in High-Tech but he picked me up on a scooter. He went home to Hadera every weekend with his laundry and came back Saturday night with 12 Tupperwares of his mom’s food for the week. He made me shakshuka once and acted like he invented the clock.“
Tehran: Al-Qaeda’s second-in-command- Abdullah Ahmed Abdullah, also known as Abu Mohammed Al-Masri, met his demise in Tehran on August 7th when foreign agents gunned him down.
Published reports indicated that Al-Masri was actively planning attacks on Jewish targets, but a faxrecording leaked by Israeli intelligence suggests that in the minutes leading up to his assassination, Al-Masri was watching the third season of Fauda.
Defense officials confirmed that Al-Masri can be heard arguing with fellow Al-Qaeda commanders:
“I know that it is our duty to submit Jews to the lowly dhimmi status they deserve, but to be honest all I care about is finding out whether or not Doron and Hila are gonna hook up later this season. Let me finish season 3, and then we can get back to killing Jews.”
The tape’s authenticity was immediately refuted by both Iran, which had been providing sanctuary for Al-Masri, and Al-Qaeda itself.
“Sure, Fauda is exciting, but the idea that al-Masri took a break from his most recent plan to kill Jews is preposterous.” claimed a masked spokesman on a TikTok video put out by Al-Qaeda’s central command, which has since been removed by the platform. “We are downright offended by the notion that we’d devote a mere 98% or 99% of our energies to killing Jews. We are in fact 100% committed.”
Tel Aviv: Israeli viewers are losing their minds over Channel 11’s amazing new Series “Tehran”, the story of a Mossad agent named Tamar who goes deep undercover in Iran and the Iranian Secret Police’s attempts to find her. In fact, Apple TV just bought the rights to distribute it worldwide! Start Up Nation in the House! Here at the Daily Freier we have been watching this show on the edge of our seats, so we were really excited about this week’s episode where the Iranians hack into the Mossad’s Fax machine in order to locate Tamar. The Daily Freier spent the morning wandering around Dizengoff Square discussing the episode with random people. (Spoiler Alert!)
“The series is just so realistic!” raved Adi, a yoga instructor. “When the Iranian Double Agent pretends to be Israeli but then he says ‘Sorry’ and blows his cover? Incredible.”
The Daily Freier then spoke to Alon, who was walking 12 dogs when we met up with him. “My favorite scene was where the Iranian hackers inside Mossad Headquarters lose Internet access at the very last minute because of Hot Mobile’s poor Customer Service. It just made me feel incredibly proud to be Israeli.“
“I really liked the scene where the Iranians are about to intercept an important fax.” explained Alert Local Ronit S. “But the machine runs out of paper because the office manager was on maternity leave and left the key to the supply cabinet at home!“
Tune in next week when the Iranians hack into Yair Netanyahu’s Twitter account and decide not to change a thing!
Buenos Aires: When news broke last week that Argentine authorities had apprehended a pair of Iranians traveling on Israeli passports, the news at first focused on the fact that the Hebrew in the forgeries was so hilariously bad that they could be spotted by an Anglo Oleh. Yet according to published reports, the amateur quality of the passports was not the reason for their arrest. Rather, alert Argentine law enforcement officers became suspicious after the suspects displayed behaviors that did not add up to their cover story of being Israeli tourists. And when a subsequent drug test of the suspects proved negative for Ecstasy and cannabis, Argentine authorities detained the pair. The Daily Freier traveled to Buenos Aires to get all the facts.
“When they said they weren’t on their way to an illegal rave in a national park or archeological site, that was when I first became suspicious.” explained Lieutenant Esteban C., an officer with the Argentina Border and Customs Department. “Then I asked ‘Netanel’ where he worked and he mentioned a real job and not some sort of ridiculous start-up. Also, at no point did ‘Rivka’ try to get me to sublet her Tel Aviv apartment during Eurovision.”
With Lieutenant Esteban’s suspicions raised, authorities contacted the hostel the pair had stayed at, and learned of even more strange behavior. The hostel manager, a British expat named Richard, explained his suspicions. “So the bloke claimed to be a certified scuba instructor.” explained Richard. “Yet when these two really pretty Norwegian birds asked him to teach them how to dive, he refused and claimed that he was really busy. But that’s not all. After they checked out, we searched their room and none of the towels were missing.”
Argentine authorities then forced the pair to take a drug test, with both testing negative for Ecstasy, Cannabis, and Bamba. Subsequent calls to the Iranian Mission to the United Nations in New York asking them if they planned to keep writing Daily Freier stories for us went unanswered.
Hey guys, I just came up with an A-MA-ZING idea! Let’s give back the Golan Heights! Yeah, the strategic plateau that overlooks the Galilee! The one with Zero Palestinians and that also lets the IDF have a clear shot at Damascus! We need to do this, like, yesterday. Look, over the last 50 years, we’ve established wineries and farms and a ski resort, so it would be kinda cool to give those things to Bashar Assad. Yeah, Asma’s husband! That guy! The one who dropped barrel bombs full of chlorine gas on kids! Great idea, right? C’mon, enough is enough. The UN General Assembly just passed a non-binding resolution condemning us for holding onto it!
It’s not like Assad owes Hezbollah and Iran any favors after they saved his regime. If we can’t trust him, we may as well not trust anybody. I mean, I think you guys just need to relax. John Kerry said it was a good idea!
Kapitan Andreevo Border Crossing, Bulgaria: A group of Iranians traveling with fake Israeli passports were apprehended at the Turkish-Bulgarian border after they apologized to somebody that they accidentally bumped into. Bulgarian Border Police held a Press Conference and explained the additional clues that caused them to first suspect the fake Israelis.
Border Police Spokesperson Ivan D. explained some of these suspicious activities. “Lately, Bulgaria has become quite popular with Israeli tourists because of our low prices, beaches, great food, and natural beauty. So we have become somewhat used to the ‘charm’ that Israeli tourists bring.” Ivan continued. “We first suspected something was wrong when they didn’t ask complete strangers about their salary or sex lives. But we needed more proof, so we had the Duty Free Cart at Border Control skip past them without offering to sell them any chocolate. When the suspects politely asked to make a purchase instead of screaming at the guy, we called Headquarters…. and when one of the Iranians accidentally jostled the person next to him and then apologized, we closed in and made the arrests.”
Yet Ivan also noted that if it weren’t for the heroic work of an Israeli bystander, the arrests might not have been made at all. Alert Tel Avivian Ronit S. was asked to address the audience on exactly why she first became suspicious. “So I was on the bus with these guys who said they were Israeli, and their Hebrew sucked. But I thought “Whatever, maybe they’re just Anglo Olim. But when the bus was 5 minutes away from the Terminal, I jumped up, grabbed my bag and sprinted to the front of the bus. And when I turned around to talk to the ‘Israelis’, they were patiently waiting in their seats for the bus to come to a complete stop. So yeah, the moment I got to Passport Control, I talked to the police.”
In related news, some other Iranians with fake Israeli passports were apprehended in Goa after they passed a drug test.
Tel Aviv, HaKirya: The Israel Defense Force’s Headquarters is currently in crisis mode as hundreds of critical installations across the country remain unmanned following an Iranian cyber-attack. The attack took the form of several thousand fake posts on the popular Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” offering a wealth of items “free to a Lone Soldier”. The Daily Freier attended a hastily put-together News Conference at their Tel Aviv Headquarters.
“The current condition is critical.This is worse than the time Hamas catfished us with fake profiles of hot Israeli women. explained IDF Spokesperson Major Guy C. “Every Lone Soldier is currently away from their Duty Station, running around Greater Tel Aviv trying to score their free PlayStation, coffee tables, Televisions, refrigerators and futons. This attack affected hundreds of soldiers. Oh and also a robot from the Bomb Squad.”
To make matters worse, the Lone Soldiers temporarily crashed the Secret Tel Aviv server while posting hundreds of requests for the free use of a vehicle in order to go pick up the make-believe free stuff they believed they were getting, temporarily depriving the City of crowd-sourced relationship advice, amateur insect identification, and people selling MidBurn tickets.
Yet while the IDF truly faces a crisis, the Daily Freier wanted to reach out to the Chayal Boded Community and find out just how they were affected by this giant balagan on a personal level. An American Lone Soldier named ‘Danny’ described his pain. “When I found out someone was giving away old PS3 games, I dropped everything and hitchhiked from my base in the Golan to Givatayim.” The Daily Freier asked Danny how he felt about Iran’s trickery. “Honestly, I feel betrayed. I mean, I didn’t even get any free games.” Danny then abruptly got up from his chair and moved quickly to the door. “Hey, sorry but I gotta go. A woman on Ibn Gavriol says she’s moving back to the UK and giving away a guitar, yoga mat, ramen noodles, and a coffee pot. And I need to move fast.”
Tel Aviv: Event organizers were left alarmed and red-faced after a logistical error scheduled the North-South Korea summit to take place in Jerusalem, the royal wedding for Tehran, and next week’s Eurovision Song Contest to be switched to Pyongyang.
The path to North Korean denuclearization will be discussed over rugelach in the Machane Yehuda market. Bibi is currently having the Iranian documents translated and converted into Korean by a Tel Aviv Startup that hired three Olim desperate for a job and some Filipinos who “probably speak the same language or something.”
The Royal Family will arrive in Iran under armed guard on Sunday for the upcoming nuptials of Everyone’s Favourite Ginger with his Hollywood Bride, Fred….. I mean Meghan. The actress from Suits. Street parties and public executions will be accompanied by canapés at 5 PM, while Camilla Parker-Bowles will be sent home strapped to a nuclear warhead later that evening. After honeymooning in Ramallah, the couple are expected to settle in a terraced house in Bognor Regis.
Meanwhile, flights to Portugal for Eurovision 2018 were rerouted to the North Korean capital of Pyongyang after global air traffic control was hacked by first graders in Moscow. All songs considered too liberal, cheesy or colourful are to be censored by State TV with the 15-hour show to instead broadcast ‘Gangnam Style’ on loop, followed by reruns of M*A*S*H.
Donald Trump and Monsieur Macron issued a joint tweet from a fancy hotel room on the Champs Elysees: (#worryingtimes #LoveWins #MelaniaWho?), and then The Donald vowed to reduce world tensions by moving the Embassy to Western Samoa.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.