Buenos Aires: When news broke last week that Argentine authorities had apprehended a pair of Iranians traveling on Israeli passports, the news at first focused on the fact that the Hebrew in the forgeries was so hilariously bad that they could be spotted by an Anglo Oleh. Yet according to published reports, the amateur quality of the passports was not the reason for their arrest. Rather, alert Argentine law enforcement officers became suspicious after the suspects displayed behaviors that did not add up to their cover story of being Israeli tourists. And when a subsequent drug test of the suspects proved negative for Ecstasy and cannabis, Argentine authorities detained the pair. The Daily Freier traveled to Buenos Aires to get all the facts.
“When they said they weren’t on their way to an illegal rave in a national park or archeological site, that was when I first became suspicious.” explained Lieutenant Esteban C., an officer with the Argentina Border and Customs Department. “Then I asked ‘Netanel’ where he worked and he mentioned a real job and not some sort of ridiculous start-up. Also, at no point did ‘Rivka’ try to get me to sublet her Tel Aviv apartment during Eurovision.”
With Lieutenant Esteban’s suspicions raised, authorities contacted the hostel the pair had stayed at, and learned of even more strange behavior. The hostel manager, a British expat named Richard, explained his suspicions. “So the bloke claimed to be a certified scuba instructor.” explained Richard. “Yet when these two really pretty Norwegian birds asked him to teach them how to dive, he refused and claimed that he was really busy. But that’s not all. After they checked out, we searched their room and none of the towels were missing.”
Argentine authorities then forced the pair to take a drug test, with both testing negative for Ecstasy, Cannabis, and Bamba. Subsequent calls to the Iranian Mission to the United Nations in New York asking them if they planned to keep writing Daily Freier stories for us went unanswered.
Hey guys, I just came up with an A-MA-ZING idea! Let’s give back the Golan Heights! Yeah, the strategic plateau that overlooks the Galilee! The one with Zero Palestinians and that also lets the IDF have a clear shot at Damascus! We need to do this, like, yesterday. Look, over the last 50 years, we’ve established wineries and farms and a ski resort, so it would be kinda cool to give those things to Bashar Assad. Yeah, Asma’s husband! That guy! The one who dropped barrel bombs full of chlorine gas on kids! Great idea, right? C’mon, enough is enough. The UN General Assembly just passed a non-binding resolution condemning us for holding onto it!
It’s not like Assad owes Hezbollah and Iran any favors after they saved his regime. If we can’t trust him, we may as well not trust anybody. I mean, I think you guys just need to relax. John Kerry said it was a good idea!
Kapitan Andreevo Border Crossing, Bulgaria: A group of Iranians traveling with fake Israeli passports were apprehended at the Turkish-Bulgarian border after they apologized to somebody that they accidentally bumped into. Bulgarian Border Police held a Press Conference and explained the additional clues that caused them to first suspect the fake Israelis.
Border Police Spokesperson Ivan D. explained some of these suspicious activities. “Lately, Bulgaria has become quite popular with Israeli tourists because of our low prices, beaches, great food, and natural beauty. So we have become somewhat used to the ‘charm’ that Israeli tourists bring.” Ivan continued. “We first suspected something was wrong when they didn’t ask complete strangers about their salary or sex lives. But we needed more proof, so we had the Duty Free Cart at Border Control skip past them without offering to sell them any chocolate. When the suspects politely asked to make a purchase instead of screaming at the guy, we called Headquarters…. and when one of the Iranians accidentally jostled the person next to him and then apologized, we closed in and made the arrests.”
Yet Ivan also noted that if it weren’t for the heroic work of an Israeli bystander, the arrests might not have been made at all. Alert Tel Avivian Ronit S. was asked to address the audience on exactly why she first became suspicious. “So I was on the bus with these guys who said they were Israeli, and their Hebrew sucked. But I thought “Whatever, maybe they’re just Anglo Olim. But when the bus was 5 minutes away from the Terminal, I jumped up, grabbed my bag and sprinted to the front of the bus. And when I turned around to talk to the ‘Israelis’, they were patiently waiting in their seats for the bus to come to a complete stop. So yeah, the moment I got to Passport Control, I talked to the police.”
In related news, some other Iranians with fake Israeli passports were apprehended in Goa after they passed a drug test.
Tel Aviv, HaKirya: The Israel Defense Force’s Headquarters is currently in crisis mode as hundreds of critical installations across the country remain unmanned following an Iranian cyber-attack. The attack took the form of several thousand fake posts on the popular Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” offering a wealth of items “free to a Lone Soldier”. The Daily Freier attended a hastily put-together News Conference at their Tel Aviv Headquarters.
“The current condition is critical.This is worse than the time Hamas catfished us with fake profiles of hot Israeli women. explained IDF Spokesperson Major Guy C. “Every Lone Soldier is currently away from their Duty Station, running around Greater Tel Aviv trying to score their free PlayStation, coffee tables, Televisions, refrigerators and futons. This attack affected hundreds of soldiers. Oh and also a robot from the Bomb Squad.”
To make matters worse, the Lone Soldiers temporarily crashed the Secret Tel Aviv server while posting hundreds of requests for the free use of a vehicle in order to go pick up the make-believe free stuff they believed they were getting, temporarily depriving the City of crowd-sourced relationship advice, amateur insect identification, and people selling MidBurn tickets.
Yet while the IDF truly faces a crisis, the Daily Freier wanted to reach out to the Chayal Boded Community and find out just how they were affected by this giant balagan on a personal level. An American Lone Soldier named ‘Danny’ described his pain. “When I found out someone was giving away old PS3 games, I dropped everything and hitchhiked from my base in the Golan to Givatayim.” The Daily Freier asked Danny how he felt about Iran’s trickery. “Honestly, I feel betrayed. I mean, I didn’t even get any free games.” Danny then abruptly got up from his chair and moved quickly to the door. “Hey, sorry but I gotta go. A woman on Ibn Gavriol says she’s moving back to the UK and giving away a guitar, yoga mat, ramen noodles, and a coffee pot. And I need to move fast.”
Tel Aviv: Event organizers were left alarmed and red-faced after a logistical error scheduled the North-South Korea summit to take place in Jerusalem, the royal wedding for Tehran, and next week’s Eurovision Song Contest to be switched to Pyongyang.
The path to North Korean denuclearization will be discussed over rugelach in the Machane Yehuda market. Bibi is currently having the Iranian documents translated and converted into Korean by a Tel Aviv Startup that hired three Olim desperate for a job and some Filipinos who “probably speak the same language or something.”
The Royal Family will arrive in Iran under armed guard on Sunday for the upcoming nuptials of Everyone’s Favourite Ginger with his Hollywood Bride, Fred….. I mean Meghan. The actress from Suits. Street parties and public executions will be accompanied by canapés at 5 PM, while Camilla Parker-Bowles will be sent home strapped to a nuclear warhead later that evening. After honeymooning in Ramallah, the couple are expected to settle in a terraced house in Bognor Regis.
Meanwhile, flights to Portugal for Eurovision 2018 were rerouted to the North Korean capital of Pyongyang after global air traffic control was hacked by first graders in Moscow. All songs considered too liberal, cheesy or colourful are to be censored by State TV with the 15-hour show to instead broadcast ‘Gangnam Style’ on loop, followed by reruns of M*A*S*H.
Donald Trump and Monsieur Macron issued a joint tweet from a fancy hotel room on the Champs Elysees: (#worryingtimes #LoveWins #MelaniaWho?), and then The Donald vowed to reduce world tensions by moving the Embassy to Western Samoa.
Bekaa Valley, Lebanon: With this week’s little misunderstanding with our Northern neighbors, it appears that the region is one step closer to war. Yes, despite last Autumn’s highly effective #IsraelLovesLebanon hashtag campaign, it appears that not everyone is feeling the love. In fact, Iran continues to arm Hezbollah with advanced weaponry, including its latest “Ben Rhodes” Missile. Yet today the Daily Freier discovered an even more serious escalation: Hezbollah has turned an isolated part of the Bekaa Valley into a realistic simulation of Tel Aviv in which to train its troops. In fact, this “Little Tel Aviv” is so realistic, it’s overpriced, covered in cannabis smoke, full of electric bikes, and smells like dried pee. In order to get a better picture of the situation, the Daily Freier interviewed a Hezbollah representative named “Ali” via Skype.
“Yesterday, we tested one of our squads on what it would be like to be inserted into the city.” explained Ali. “So they hid out in a cafe until dark and ended up spending all of their allotted funds on 30 Shekel cups of coffee. And when they went outside at nightfall, their bikes had been stolen.”
As Ali continued his description, volunteers were visible in the background chugging large amounts of water and tea in order to help put the finishing touches on the city’s unique aromas. “We had to postpone last week’s exercise after our mortar squad tried to take a shortcut through the Namal port and ran out of funds.” Ali then introduced the mortar team leader, Hassan. “We were moving through the Namal and saw a Shuk, so we said ‘Hey, let’s stop for supplies.’ An hour later we wandered out with 4 white potatoes and a jar of tahina for 150 Shekels….. They said it was organic.”
To make matters worse, Ali revealed that their Logistics Unit quit halfway through the Exercise and decided to form a start-up. “Now they just stand on the roof all day with their shirts off playing ping-pong.”
Ali also explained that the problems reached as far as Hezbollah’s Women’s Auxiliary. “Zeynep is one of our sisters in the Resistance who served as a role player in ‘Little Tel Aviv’. But last week she bought a small dog and now she has a fitness-themed Instagram page that tries to sell you nutrition supplements and organic smoothies.”
Tehran- The Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps was giddy with anticipation today as they waited for Iran’s Supreme Leader to unveil their newest weapon system to the public. As crowds waited at the bi-weekly “Death to America/Death to Israel Military Parade and Children’s Puppet Show”, the Ayatollah Khameini removed a giant tarp to reveal Iran’s newest missile: the “Ben Rhodes”. Named in honor of the most clever former aspiring novelist to ever serve as a National Security Advisor to Barack Obama, the “Ben Rhodes” is an impressive weapon indeed. The Ayatollah Khameini explained the reasoning behind the name to the press.
When pressed for future reveals from Iran’s arsenal, the Ayatollah let slip that the Revolutionary Guard would soon unleash their new decoy drone, the “Obama”. The Ayatollah then explained the drone’s unique capabilities. “The Obama looks like a formidable missile and sports a gigantic Red Line along its base. It will launch with a very loud bang but then wander aimlessly around the sky emitting a high pitch whining noise without ever reaching its intended target. Oh, and it costs $400 Million Dollars.”
Qom: Iran’s economy is reeling after news that the Trump Administration will not renew the amazingly-successful-not-at-all-a-suckers-bet Iran Nuclear Deal. The Iran deal, seen as the centerpiece of Barack Obama’s legacy, has now been turned over to Congress for approval or disapproval, thus imperiling Iran’s weekly access to John Kerry’s lunch money. The Daily Freier spoke with Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammed Javad Zarif, who agreed to speak with us “even though you’re calling from the Zionist Entity“.
“I cannot understand such a betrayal.” lamented Minister Zarif. “We had a deal. I considered John a friend. I mean, Just last week I sold him a very nice Persian rug for a very, very good price….. a price reserved only for close friends. Mister Kerry was supposed to drop off his lunch money tomorrow. How could this happen?”
Former Secretary of State Kerry was equally upset. “I find it particularly galling, the lack of nuance and appreciation for the diplomatic process in the Trump Administration. Just last week I was discussing the merits of the Iran deal at the Brookings Institute. And now it’s in grave danger. Worst of all, now that I don’t have a weekly appointment to wash Zarif’s car, my schedule is in tatters.”
As the interview drew to a close, Secretary Kerry had one more question. “The Daily Freier, eh? I find your newspaper’s name fascinating. Just what is a “Freier” anyway?“
Young Man: Hi my name is Daniel. But my friends call me Barry. I’m from Hawaii.
Ally: That is so cool!
Daniel: Yes. Yes it is. Say, who is that large angry guy walking over?
Ally: OMG, that’s my ex, Johnny Khameini. He’s in that Karate Gang called Cobrazbullah Kai. I hate him.
Johnny: Hey Ally, whose this tool?
Ally: Johnny, stop!
Daniel: It’s OK, Ally. I can reason with him. Johnny, I understand you may have some legitimate grievances against me. I’ve come to your land and now I’m trying to impose my values on….
[Johnny beats the crap out of Daniel]
Daniel: To be perfectly frank, I deserved that.
[SCENE: Outside a High School Dance. Daniel is running from a gang]
Johnny: I’m gonna kick your ass Daniel!
Daniel: I don’t think you’re being very productive with that kind of talk!
[Johnny and the Cobrazbullah Kai Gang jump Daniel. An old man who looks kinda Japanese but kinda Jewish appears and fights off the attackers]
Daniel: Thank you old man, but I was just about to convince those guys that there are better ways to work out their deep-seated yet legitimate grievances. By the way, what’s your name?
Old Man: I am Mr. Bibiyagi. And you must learn to stand up for yourself and stop being such a…..such a…… Freier.
Daniel: Quite frankly, that kind of popping off is just not helpful.
Mr. Bibiyagi: (Sighs) Here, let me teach you some moves.
[Shows Daniel ‘Wax on, Wax off’]
[Scene: Three Months Later. A Big Karate Tournament.]
Mr. Bibiyagi: Daniel-san, are you ready to spar with Johnny Khameini?
Daniel: Yeah…. about that. Listen, Mr. Bibiyagi. I appreciate your advice, even when, quite frankly, it was wrong. And I know that you think you know a lot about karate. But listen: I once lived in Indonesia for a year. So I know some things that you don’t necessarily know. Anyway, I came up with a better idea, so I don’t believe it’s necessary to spar with Johnny in the tournament. Here it comes right now.
[A forklift enters the arena and drops a pallet of $100 Bills in front of Johnny]
Daniel: Here’s the money, Johnny. 400 Million. So are we cool?
Johnny (laughing): Sure we are, Daniel. Sure we are…..Until next month that is.
Daniel: That sounds fair.
Mr. Bibiyagi: Oy gevalt. [Places head in hands.Walks away]