Memorandum For: The Honorable Rachel Freier, 5th District Civil Court, New York
From: The Daily Freier (Landsman!)
Subject: Cease and Desist Order r/e use of name “Freier”
1) Greetings from the Daily Freier, providing fact-based news from Tel Aviv! And not to get all Kanye, but we are the best English language fake news source in the Levant. But we know you are a busy woman so we will cut right to the chase. We need you to change your name.
2) We understand that you graduated from law school while raising six children (now a grandmother! Mazel Tov!), volunteered as a paramedic, and are now the first Hasidic woman to be sworn into elected public office in the United States. And that’s great. But we run a Blog.
3) We have built a certain brand identity. Like at the Shuk, everyone says “Here comes the biggest Freier”. And we get a special price. Because we’re Freiers. Also, you’re really messing up our Search Engine Optimization. People go online looking for our stories about disillusioned jellyfish leaving Israel for economic reasons, Tel Aviv’s new beach for Dati dogs, or a story about an American Oleh whose Hebrew is so bad that he remains trapped in Ulpan Gordon for 7 years. Instead, they read about a professionally successful woman in the Jewish Community. And frankly, this is unacceptable. And our shysters Legal Department does not like this. At all.
4) We seek an amicable outcome where you change your name so it doesn’t sound like us. And as a token of our sincerity, we will send a t-shirt and coffee mug. Because Am Yisrael Chai.
Very Truly Yours,
The Daily Freier
Attachments: Letter, Same Subject
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