(Editor’s Note: We don’t really think that Joan Rivers is going to Hell, but this was too good a story to ignore. Plus we hope she would have liked it. We also know that Jews aren’t really big on the whole “Hell” concept, which is a good thing because members of the Daily Freier Staff may or may not have been blogging on Shabbes. But if there is a Hell we hope that Bin Laden is forced to attend an eternal synagogue board meeting debating the time and location of next month’s Sisterhood Rummage Sale……)
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 9/6/2014 at 10:30 AM
Gehenna: A Spokesperson for The Deceiver of Men confirmed today that because of a very public blow-up involving the late Al Qaeda mastermind Osama Bin Laden, Ms. Joan Rivers was no longer welcome in Hell and has been asked to vacate the premises no later than Midnight, 7 September, Hell Central Time. The incident occurred at Hell’s Starbucks [Editor: OF COURSE Hell has a Starbucks] yesterday afternoon, mere hours after Joan River’s passing from this plane of existence. According to bystanders, a very public argument broke out moments after the outspoken Jewish comedienne entered the shop to find Mr. Bin Laden sitting with several of his wives drinking pumpkin-spice blend.
Rivers: Fancy meeting you here, you big putz!
Bin Laden: You are a shameless Jewish whore!
Rivers: Tell me something I don’t know; I sold bracelets on QVC that said the same thing…..(Turning to a very young looking wife of Bin Laden) Honey, how old are you? Don’t you have a curfew? (Turning back to Bin Laden) Hey Osama Bin Amber Alert, where did you meet this one, during recess?
Bin Laden: You cannot talk to me like that! I led the confrontation with the Great Satan! I made your nation quake! I…
Rivers: (Interrupting) And you died watching porn in a shithole so disgusting I wouldn’t let my dog pee there. (Lighting a Cigarette, looking Bin Laden in the eye)…. Bubelleh, I’m just getting started with you…..
Starbucks Employee: Excuse me Ms. Rivers, But the 7th Circle Starbucks has a strict No Smoking Policy [Editor: OF COURSE Hell enforces No Smoking Rules]
Rivers: Don’t tell me about your stupid No Smoking rules! I’m f–ing dead! Do you think I give a…….[The Employee Runs Away]
Bin Laden: [Getting Up, turning to his wives] We are leaving!
Rivers: Your beard makes you look like a low-rent Wolfman Jack! [She starts handing out business cards to Bin Laden’s wives] Listen up ladies—whenever you want to leave this loser, I know the best divorce lawyer in Hell [Editor: And there are quite a few of them down there]. You’re each entitled to half his shit. Which is 50% plus 50% plus 50% plus 50%,which equals…..forget it, let me go ask my sheister accountant….
It was at this point when Hell’s Mall Security escorted Ms. Rivers from the premises and presented her with a Persona Non Grata Order. When contacted, Ms. Rivers’ publicist noted that she currently has no plans post-Hell, but she may do a week of shows in Vegas.