Tag: Aaron Pomerantz

Daily Freier criticized for “Anglos Only” Pétanque Tournament

No Francophones were harmed in the making of this article

By Mark Levy & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 12/1/2019 at 3:45 PM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Apparently the Daily Freier is in a lot of trouble.  Like, a LOT of trouble. In the spirit of Community, we decided to organize a pétanque tournament. In Tel Aviv. On Rothschild Boulevard. Where apparently a certain….group of Olim congregate and play this really cool looking game that looks like bocce only even more ridiculous. Anyhoo, we organized this Competition, and somehow accidentally added “Anglos Only” to the Facebook Event. Must have been an oversight. You see, the Daily Freier has been obsessed with pétanque for a long time. But now we are getting a bunch of angry texts from the principal of Collège Français de Tel-Aviv, the French Embassy, and that kinda hot/kinda crazy French girl from your Ulpan. The Daily Freier hastily held a News Conference to dispel rumors.

Daily Freier editor Yuval Weiss greeted the assembled press, but before he could finish his introduction, an angry editor from I24-Francaise lit into him.

It is simply…absurd that the Daily Freier would exclude the very Nation that created this noble sport from your tournament. Do you not notice that the pétanque courts of Rothschild are absolutely French?”

Wait, they’re French?” replied Yuval. “You sure? Because I’m so Woke that I don’t see race or color or national origin.”

The Daily Freier tried to change the subject to our upcoming Chanukah Scavenger Hunt in Dizengoff Center, but the French Embassy Chargé d’affaires stood on his chair and began reading from the Declaration of the Rights of Man and name-dropping the Marquis DeLafayette.

Finally, Yuval was able to regain control of the Press Conference. “We apologize for the oversight. It’s just that as Anglos we are used to creating new opportunities on very short notice. It’s hard to explain this concept sometimes….. Wait, what’s the word for ‘entrenpeneur’ in French?

Finally, The Daily Freier was able to defuse the situation by inviting everyone to a Mickey Rourke Film Festival at the Kerem House.

*In the spirit of Jewish Solidarity, we promise to hold next year’s Daily Freier Pétanque Tournament in Netanya.

 

 

 

 

 

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Israel adds extra Yom Kippur just for Scooter Riders

“This is your chance to apologize to us.”
(photo credit: Hazel Orpen)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/11/2019 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv: In the greatest change to Judaism in centuries, Israel has added an extra Yom Kippur. Yet it’s reserved specifically for scooter riders, because they suck  their actions have posed a unique challenge to 21st Century Israeli society. Specifically: how does one repent for anti-social behavior if a single Yom Kippur is not enough? The Daily Freier walked over to the Tel Aviv Rabbanut to get all of the facts.

 

We were greeted in the Lobby by Yossi, the Rabbanut’s Director of Community Outreach. We asked him exactly what prompted this drastic action. “The rise of the scooter has affected us all.” he explained. “Bird, Lime, whatever. Remember when electric bicycles were the most annoying vehicle on the sidewalk? Good Times.”

The Daily Freier asked Yossi just how the Rabbanut could possibly change the Jewish calendar. “Why not?” he replied. “We have 3 Election Days this year. What’s an extra Kol Nidre?” Yossi thumbed through the Gemara looking for a specific passage.  “This extra Yom Kippur…. it is a chance for you to repent for being such a… how do I say this without committing Lashon Hara?….. for being such a sociopathic ass.

The Daily Freier challenged Yossi, noting that anti-social behavior takes many forms. “You raise a compelling point.” Yossi replied, as he pulled another book from the shelf. “Next year, bzrat HaShem, ‘Extra Yom Kippur’ will also apply to people who play matkot on the beach.”

In the spirit of diversity, Daily Freier will also be accepting repentance from those of you who park on the sidewalk.

 

 

Jerusalem cab driver writes book about Sarah Tuttle-Singer

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/27/2019 at 2:30 PM

Jerusalem: Israel’s Literary Community is abuzz with news of the nation’s Latest Besteller. Titled “OMG, Can You Just Tell Me?“, the book is written by Gruff but Lovable Israeli cab driver Shlomo D. The story tells of his free-form discussions with journalist/author Ms. Tuttle-Singer and includes tales of war, love, loss, family, reconciliation, and who sells the best pomegranates.

Written over the course of 3 years, the book is entirely derived from conversations Shlomo had with Sarah as they drove around Jerusalem, and it covers the course of a friendship that started with Shlomo innocently trying to charge Sarah double the normal rate and graduated to Shlomo inviting Sarah to his niece’s wedding 40 minutes later. The Daily Freier bought a copy of the book, and it was almost as good as the advance copy of Sarah’s book that we stole from Crave Gourmet Street Food last year.  So without further ado, here is our synopsis:


Chapter 1: It’s December. Where the Hell is her coat?

Chapter 2: We’re in a traffic jam & Sarah is writing her Fauda fan-fiction again.

Chapter 3: That’s a police checkpoint. Please put away your flask.

Chapter 4: I never actually said “Nu, Saralah?

Chapter 5: Those cats are NOT getting in my cab.

Chapter 6: I don’t think she likes Bibi.

Chapter 7: The time she had me read her kid’s 6th Grade Essay about Tu B’Shvat and Feminism.

Chapter 8: What’s are edibles?

Chapter 9: No, I never asked myself whether Queen Esther was secretly bi-sexual.

Chapter 10: By all means, please tell me who makes the best hummus in Lod.


When asked about his next steps in the literary world, Shlomo told the Daily Freier that the book’s royalties mean he never has to work again. Also, last year in a fit of entrepreneurial genius, Shlomo introduced Sarah to his wife Sarit, who sells scarves.

UPDATE: Israeli literati woke up in shock this morning to allegations that Shlomo had plagiarized several chapters using a controversial algorithm to build counterfeit Sarah Tuttle-Singer stories that are virtually indistinguishable from the real thing. An angry Shlomo addressed these accusations at a hastily held Press Conference, blaming them on “jealous” neighbors and his idiot cousin Dovi who moved to Miami in the 1990’s.

 

 

 

Feiglin’s cannabis voters accidentally choose “Joint List”

“Nobody told us”

(photo credit: Zehut Party)

By Aaron Pomerantz & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/19/2019 at 4:20 PM

Tel Aviv: With the result’s from Tuesday’s elections in, there were some real suprises. Likud under-performed, Lieberman got a lot of votes, and the Arab Joint List Party performed better than expected. Yet while some people attribute Joint List’s performance as a negative reaction to Abu Yair Bibi, the Daily Freier has found the real reason: a large bloc of former Zehut voters accidentally voted Joint List.

You see, Moshe Feiglin’s Zehut Party was a real… party. Kinda hardcore on the National Security side, kinda Libertarian on the domestic side: right to bear arms, and lots and lots of weed. Last year, Zehut did an amazing job of stealing the Stoner vote from Meretz. Later, Feiglin joined Netanyahu’s Coalition in exchange for 3 grams of Kush, rolling papers, some krembo, and an apple. Yet somehow the whole thing turned into a Balagan, as the Daily Freier learned when we went to vote and discovered the confusion of the former Zehut voters. In Tel Aviv, there are A LOT of these guys. Trust us.

Hey, I just voted for the new Zehut Party.” exclaimed a guy named Udi who we recognized from Midburn. “Their name is the best: ‘Joint List!’ ….That’s almost as good as ‘Spliff List’, right?

More votes means cheaper weed!” cackled Danny from the coffee shop. “Also, Mamash love the new name!

After meeting four more of our confused Zehut friends at the polling station, the Daily Freier finally broke the news: that ‘Joint List’ is a party consisting of Communists, Islamists, and Arab Nationalists…. and we became a giant buzzkill. The reactions were immediate:

Nobody told us.

We thought that maybe Feiglin and the guy with the Mohawk wanted to get a better domain name for their website.

Maybe that’s why we didn’t get enough votes last time.

UPDATE: The Times of Israel reports that Joint List would have received 15 seats, but half of Zehut’s voters think that the Election is tomorrow.

New App alerts you whenever Ariel Gold says something stupid

By Mark Levy & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/10/2019 at 5:00 PM

Tel Aviv: Startup Nation has done it again, releasing an exciting App this week to great fanfare. ‘That’s Gold!’ is an application for Iphone and Android users that alerts you whenever noted BDS supporter/Deep Thinker Ariel Gold says or does something ridiculous. The Daily Freier wandered down to that WeWork office near Rothschild (no not that one, the other one) in order to meet the creators of this amazing application.

With our ‘That’s Gold!‘ app, we provide our customer with a one-stop shop to stay up to date on the latest dumb shit that Ariel came up with.” explained lead engineer Pinchas G. “Our state of the art algorithm pulls data from Ariel’s Twitter feed, Code Pink press releases, and the comments section for Hen Mazzig’s pet rabbit’s Instagram page.” Pinchas feverishly typed a line of code on his Macintosh and continued. “The 2.0 version even has a feature that notifies you whenever she uses a Yiddish phrase incorrectly.

Well if you think this App is selling like latkes in December, you are correct. The Daily Freier ran into a number of happy customers on Rothschild Boulevard.

OMG This is A-Ma-Zing!” extolled Arielle (NOT Ariel) C. “This gives me something to do whenever the Daily Freier is going through Writer’s Block.

Changed my life!” enthused David S. “I really like the feature that alerts me whenever she takes a selfie with Neteurei Karta.

Unfortunately, not all of the feedback was positive. The Daily Freier stumbled upon Alert Local Ronit S. as she desperately tried to silence her beeping Iphone at the coffee kiosk on the corner of Allenby. “Ariel just got into a one-way argument with Jason Greenblatt and now my phone won’t shut off…..thanks a lot.”

The Daily Freier looks forward to Ms. Gold’s inevitable response to this story, because it would no doubt trigger this app, thereby becoming the most Meta thing like ever.


p.s. Yes, we wrote a similar story about Margot Wallstrom back in 2015.

p.p.s. With Margot retiring, we saw a chance to reuse a theme.

p.p.p.s. At least someone around here is bothering to recycle. What, do you hate the Planet or something?

Daily Freier cured of Writer’s Block! Also, Shmuley Boteach’s Daughter just opened a Sex Shop in Tel Aviv

(Photo Credit: They have an Instagram Account!)

By Emily Goldstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 7/28/2019 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Montefiore: A beloved Tel Aviv literary institution is recovering nicely from a month-long bout of Writer’s Block. After weeks of not having goofy yet funny ideas pinging around our respective minds, the Staff of the Daily Freier are now firing on all cylinders. The creativity is happening! We’re busy type-type-typing away! Baruch HaShem!

Oh Yeah….. in completely unrelated news, Rabbi Shmuley’s daughter Chana just opened a Sex Shop in Tel Aviv. Not sure why we bothered to mention this, as it has nothing to do with our miraculous recovery from Writer’s Block, which we attribute to plenty of bikram yoga, a juice cleanse in the Negev, and the Keto Diet. But sure…. Chana, who is clearly carrying on the Boteach family tradition of keeping a low profile/avoiding sensationalism, just opened “Kosher Sex” on Montefiore Street. Plus, it doubles as a clothing boutique!

So the Boteachs are back on the scene! No doubt after they finished sitting Shiva for Rabbi Shmuley’s Bromance of Blessed Memory with T-Bone’s neighbor Senator Cory Booker. And let’s keep it real here. This is INCREDIBLE news for the Daily Freier, which has been really struggling to capture the Tel Aviv wackiness that once put us on the map. This might be better than the time that our female friends compared their ex-boyfriends to city bus lines. Or, you know, the time a guy went onto Secret Tel Aviv to try to sell his porn collection.

The Daily Freier looks forward to the Kosher Sex shop providing the Daily Freier with material for years to come.

 

 

 

The Barshank Redemption

(An original-ish Screenplay by Lee Saunders & Aaron Pomerantz)


[SCENE: February 2021, Neve Tirza Prison for Women]

Narrator (sounding a bit like Sara Netanyahu. But definitely *NOT* Morgan Freeman): I must admit I didn’t think much of Bar, first time I laid eyes on her. She might’ve been important in Hollywood, but here in the joint she was just another woman in prison grays. Looked like a stiff breeze could blow her over. I bet the other inmates that she would crack under the pressure the first night….cost me two packs of cigarettes. She never made a sound, if you ignore the hairdryer, chatting on a satellite phone, and name-dropping. I could see why some of the girls took her for snobby. A talk and a strut that just wasn’t normal around here. She strolled. Like a woman with the best lawyer in the world and a cute blonde goysicher ex-boyfriend.

(Scene: The prison roof. Inmates are laying down tar. Sara Netanyahu is the prisoner trustee in charge of the detail. Bar is sunbathing.)

Sara (to another inmate): And now it looks like we need to declare the champagne, cigars, and clothes as income! Can you believe it???

Bar: Excuse me Sara, do you trust your husband?

Sara (dismissively):  Of course not, don’t be ridiculous…. but we’re still throwing you off this roof for your chutzpanit.

(Two burly women grab Bar)

Bar (speaking quickly): Because I know a way that you can avoid declaring those gifts by putting them in your husband’s name!

Sara: Leave her alone, girls.

(The women let Bar go)

Sara: OK…. I’m listening Mami.

Narrator: And that’s how it all started. Soon she was doing taxes for the wardens. She polished their shoes. I mean, SHE didn’t polish them, but one of her people did. She promised to introduce the guards to Gal Gadot if they just brought in some decent shampoo from SuperPharm.

Sara: Hey Bar, how did you smuggle in all of this bamba and moisturizer?

Bar: I got them from Ehud over in the Men’s Block.  Now be a dear and help me smuggle the stuff I got from Duty Free. It’s waiting in the Elevator.

Sara (confused): Wait, when did we get an elevator?

Narrator: It got to be too much, we just couldn’t stand it. So me and the girls blew up a photo of my Bibi in the photocopier room, stuck it to the wall and gave her some nail clippers. Just to get her out of here.

EPILOGUE (spoken by a serious-sounding old dude): In the Spring of 2021, Refaeli escaped from Neve Tirza-shank Prison. She had spent 19 hours tunneling through the wall of her cell, which had all the solid foundations of a Tel Aviv apartment. Within a day, she was tremping it down to the Sinai.

Narrator: I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged. They are meant to live their quai-legal lives in the scorching Middle Eastern sun, surrounded by hash and snorkelers.

(Fade to Black)

 

 

 

 

Hen Mazzig’s pet rabbit in Protective Custody after Ariel Gold’s latest tweet

By Aaron Pomerantz & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/19/2019 at 12:00 PM

Tel Aviv, HaMelech George: Law enforcement moved swiftly in the early morning hours, safeguarding a local rabbit from credible threats. “Shani” is a white angora, and the pet of noted Israel Advocate/Indigenous Rights Activist/Shirtless Selfie afficionado Hen Mazzig. So when noted Code Pink Activist/BDS fan/that one really annoying girl in your NFTY Youth Group Ariel Gold escalated her one-way Twitter feud with Hen, police whisked Shani off to an undisclosed location. The Daily Freier spoke with a visibly frightened Hen at a local cafe.

This all happened so quickly.” Hen said as he nervously picked at his shakshuka. “One moment Shani and I were just chilling on the balcony people-watching, and then all of a sudden the cops show up and say she has only 2 minutes to pack a bag…. she didn’t even have a chance to finish her carrots and celery smoothie.

The Daily Freier asked Hen what specifically caused the latest crisis. “At first, it was all sort of innocent. You know, Ariel body-shaming me and teaching me important lessons about my Mizrahi heritage. Then shit just got weird. Stuff about my secret payments from the Israeli Government. Honestly, for a moment I thought I was reading the Forward.” Hen looked nervously around the cafe and continued. “Finally, she tweeted something at me about Ilhan Omar and AIPAC. I couldn’t really understand what she was saying, girlfriend could use a spellcheck once in a while…. but the bottom line is she is not going to be ignored.”

Finally, the Daily Freier was able to Skype with Shani from her undisclosed location. “Things are OK in the Safe House. Apparently I’m not the first animal that stayed here.”  The Daily Freier asked Shani if she has any regrets. “The real tragedy is that I absolutely LOVE Glenn Close movies….. I hope this doesn’t ruin them for me.

As the Daily Freier was about to end the interview, a visibly relieved Shani noted that Ariel had moved on to yelling back and forth with Morton Klein.

 

 

 

 

“Now we can park like sociopaths without a car!” Tel Aviv celebrates the e-scooter & mobike

By Mark Levy & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 4/13/2019 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: The city of Tel Aviv has a little more equality these days, and people are excited. You see, it used to be that in order to park like a total dick, you needed to be able to afford a car. No Longer! Today with the huge success of rental companies like Mobike, Bird, and Lime, parking like a sociopath is within everyone’s reach. The Daily Freier walked the streets of Tel Aviv to find out just how big a deal this is.

I love the freedom that this gives me.” explained local dick Dan G. as he dropped his Lime on the sidewalk in front of a cafe. “I always thought making other people’s’ lives difficult with bad parking was just for the rich guys who could afford a car and a permit. But now, I can really make my mark on the city!

Not caring about how my actions affected other people used to be so difficult without a car.” noted Ron C. “But with my Bird, it’s so easy making life inconvenient for my fellow Tel Avivians. This is even better than matkot!

Annoying my neighbors used to be so hard.” reminisced North Tel Aviv resident Guy S. “But now, with my Bird, I can block paths to schools and create a public hazard on a budget! Only in Israel!

Tune in next week when the Daily Freier visits the Rabbanut to learn the halakhic ramifications of parking your bike on the sidewalk.

 

 

 

Controversial Israeli Tour Guide does not wear an Absurd Hat

(No Tour Guides Were harmed in the writing of this story)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/29/2019 at 11:30 PM

Ein Gedi, Israel: Israel’s tourism industry took a disturbing turn this week when word spread that a local tour guide does not wear a completely ridiculous hat. You see, tour guide school lasts longer than some marriages…. so being a licensed guide here is kind of big deal. Consequently, when the tour guide community discovered that Israeli guide Danny C. was leading tours without either a fake Indiana Jones hat, a crocodile Dundee cowboy hat, a pith helmet, a hat that he stole from an ANZAC cavalry officer, nor one of those French Legionnaire hats with the dork flaps on the sides…..well, the reaction was not pretty. The Daily Freier talked with numerous irate tour guides to get their opinions.

Wait, no stupid hat?” wondered Jerusalem guide Hillel K. as he led a procession of Filipino Christians through the Old City while wearing a Soviet fur cap. “How do they even know he’s a guide?  I mean, does he even walk around in some sort of complex shawl/poncho?”

So this guy thinks he can just wander around Eretz Yisrael without a ridiculous hat?” griped a guide named Yossi as he washed his socks behind a gas station near Hadera. “I bet he also owns pants that don’t have cargo pockets.” Yossi continued to criticize Danny’s lack of a hat for about five minutes before abruptly walking away. “Please Excuse me. I need to go tell that total stranger over there that he looks dehydrated and needs to keep drinking water until his pee is clear.

The Daily Freier then stopped by the Israeli Ministry of Tourism to find out just what they plan to do about this rogue employee. A woman named Smadar talked to us on her cigarette break. “When the Ministry found out that Danny was not wearing a ridiculous hat, we levied a 5,000 Shekel fine against him and placed him on probation.” Smadar took another drag off her cigarette and continued. “The only reason he hasn’t been decertified is that he still complies with our rule that all guides own more scarves than Stevie Nicks.”

EPILOGUE: As the story went to print, Danny was seen purchasing the most worthless piece of headgear ever invented: the beret.