Tag: Aaron Pomerantz

Scientists baffled as Tel Aviv now 100% covered in spliff smoke, but “everybody’s out of weed”

Daily Freier Tel Aviv IsraelBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/2/2017 at 11:20 AM

Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim: Israel’s greatest scientific minds are stumped by a strange and disturbing anomaly of the Natural World: the complete and total coverage of the city of Tel Aviv in a haze of smoke from cannabis/tobacco spliffs, despite the fact that everybody in town is “totally out of weed.” The Daily Freier decided to turn to our science advisors, Gideon and Alex from the Technion, for an expert analysis.

What we are looking at is a possibly limitless source of renewable energy.” explained Alex. “If the matter in question, i.e. loosely rolled cigarettes containing a mix of tobacco and cannabis, can simply exist outside of the realm of matter being created or destroyed, then we may be on the cusp of something amazing. It would be like discovering a perpetual motion machine. Only cooler.”

Gideon agreed with Alex, but with an interesting theological twist. “One can be committed to science and reason, yet also believe that our Universe was created with Intelligent Design. Specifically, the concept that spliffs continue to materialize in Tel Aviv despite the universal absence of cannabis begs the question: Is this a modern miracle in the same venue as the miraculous Chanukah oil that lasted 8 Days? Like, Nes Gadol Haya Po?” Gideon was quick to mention that this theory is not confined to the Jewish Community. “I was just speaking to a priest in Jerusalem, and he likened the current state of affairs in Tel Aviv to the Wedding Feast of Cana where Christians believe that Jesus turned water into wine…. Except this must be bamba into cannabis. Or something like that.

When the Daily Freier pressed the scientists for a possible alternate theory, they insisted that their hypothesis would stand up to peer review. “Our data is sound. Something incredible is happening in Tel Aviv….. either that or everyone is just full of crap and secretly hoarding their weed stashes for themselves.

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Philadelphia man celebrates 6th year of being “just about to make Aliyah”

Philadelphia man celebrates 6th year of "just about to make Aliyah" Daily FreierBy Mark Levy and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 4/28/2017 at 3:30 PM

Bucks County, Pennsylvania: With Yom Haatzmaut (Israeli Independence Day) right around the corner, Israelis are celebrating another milestone: the 6th Anniversary of Philadelphia-area resident Jeremy S. being “just about to make Aliyah“. Jeremy, a 29-year-old technical writer and musician, has been “like almost ready” to make the return to Zion since attending a Matisyahu concert in April of 2011 “that like really changed the way I look at life“. The Daily Freier spoke with Jeremy about his on-again/off-again longing for Eretz Yisrael.

“So I’m still like super-stoked to do this.” Jeremy explained, as he ate lunch at a hummus place near Cherry Hill. “But at first it was like, Wait. The Army??? I don’t want to peel potatoes for three years. Maybe if I was promised Intelligence or something. But then there’s my Hebrew. And Ulpan just seems super hard and not really like focused on my needs, you know? Like my friend says it’s full of the French and Ukrainians. So maybe when a lot of Americans start to make Aliyah it will be better for me? I would even do a class with some Canadians.

Jeremy is already on his 3rd Aliyah Counselor, with his first Aliyah counselor rapidly approaching mandatory retirement age. Additionally, half of the people in his original planned Aliyah group have already integrated into society and become so Israeli that in the Spring of 2015 they moved to Berlin for economic reasons.

Jeremy’s Rabbi in suburban Philly has so far written six letters to the Israeli Government attesting to Jeremy’s membership in the Covenant of Abraham. Rabbi Stanley Green, of Congregation Agudath Israel, has become so exasperated with the process that for the latest request he simply took a sheet of Synagogue letterhead and scrawled with a pen “Not again! He’s still Jewish!

Jeremy’s gutsy almost-decision has affected his family as well. His mom Linda joined us via Skype after we helped explain “what all of the buttons on the computer do” and shared her concerns. “As a parent, you never stop worrying about your kids.” Linda explained. “So with the crazy situation over there in the Middle East, and Jeremy almost sort of moving there, well you can imagine my almost sort of anxiety. I’m just concerned that if Matisyahu’s band or those nice girls in A-WA tour the East Coast again this Summer, that Jeremy might take the next step and schedule another Aliyah appointment in Manhattan with Nefesh B’Nefesh. But I’m pretty sure Nefesh started screening his calls some time in 2014.”

Reaction to Jeremy’s slow-motion-Aliyah within the Greater Tel Aviv Community have been rather mixed. North Tel Aviv resident Mark S. explained. “So he subletted my apartment in July 2015 because he was ‘this close‘ to moving here for good.  And at the end he asked if he could leave a bag in my apartment because he was ‘like definitely making Aliyah after the High Holidays.‘ I guess the joke is on me because he didn’t specify the exact year of the High Holidays after which he would make Aliyah. Also I checked the bag last week and it contains parts of a tent, a tea set, a pair of drawstring linen trousers, some old vitamins, and spices from the Shuk.”

While Jeremy remains on the fence in terms of Aliyah, he has not allowed his cold feet to limit his social activism on behalf of the Almost Maybe Possible Future Olim Community. He started a Facebook group called “Keep Almost Olim Almost in Israel” dedicated to the unique needs and issues facing Almost Olim, to include the lack of support provided by Nefesh B’Nefesh for those who have been about to make Aliyah since Obama’s first term. Jeremy is also contemplating going onto Secret Tel Aviv and asking for future free stuff for when he becomes a Lone Soldier.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tel Aviv man arrested for driving a golf cart while under the age of 70

Golfcart TelAviv Daily FreierBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/28/2017 at 1:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Milano: Police moved swiftly today to detain a man riding a golf cart around town after receiving an anonymous tip from a concerned eyewitness of a man riding down Ibn Gavriol who only appeared to be in his late early 50’s. The Daily Freier walked down to the police station on Dizengoff and Jabotinsky to find out what the deal was.

When the Daily Freier arrived, police had cordoned off the front of the station, as a gang of irate Senior Citizens on golf carts had converged on the station. The older Israelis continuously attempted to breach the police skirmish line in an effort to get at the young(ish) man who had dared to ride a golf cart. After finally passing inside, the Daily Freier spoke to the lead detective on the case, Avner T., who explained the seriousness of the case.

This idiot was playing with fire.” explained Avner. “I don’t know who he thought he was, but if we had not gotten to him when we did, those guys outside would have. And it might not have ended very well for him. ” Avner went on to explain the process of procuring a scooter. “First, you need to turn 70. Or 65 if you were a combat veteran. Then you need to take a road test to ensure that you can drive in the left lane of Ben Yehuda Street at 7 Kilometers per hour and refuse to move when cars or buses try to pass you. Also, we require that you strap an old plastic storage bin to your rear bumper with bungee cords.

After explaining the procedure, Detective Avner allowed us to watch as the police took the testimony of the eyewitness. Alert local Ronit S. explained what she saw today. “So when I was walking home from my yoga class, this guy in a golf cart kept trying to pass me. It had a black plastic rain cover so I thought it might be my grandfather. But as he passed me in the cross walk, I recognized him as the idiot from Misrad HaPnim who kept sexting me by fax last year. That’s when I called the police.

The Daily Freier cannot WAIT to turn 70 so we can get a golf cart of our own. Then we’ll run this town.

 

Controversial new Tel Aviv statue does not portray a dude showing off his junk

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/13/2016 at 6:50 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Dizengoff: A work of modern art planned for display in the soon to be renovated Dizengoff Square is meeting heavy opposition from concerned members of the Community. The  statue, designed by Neve Tzedek artist Yair G. and titled “Tel Aviv Epiphany”, does not portray a man eagerly displaying his genitals to passerby. And Tel Aviv residents are not too happy. The Daily Freier walked down to Dizengoff Square where an impromptu protest was taking place.

I don’t know how they do things down in Neve Tzedek” admonished Tomer C., a resident of Bograshov. “But up here in Tel Aviv, we expect our statues to be touching themselves. Or rummaging around down there as if their lease paperwork is hidden somewhere in their boxers shorts.”

As the protest continued throughout the day, sympathetic members of the Municipal Government met with community organizers. “These statues really serve as a public service.” explained Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. I mean, when you think of it, a Tel Aviv guy offering to show strangers his genitals is actually a rather accurate preview of what out of town visitors will experience in Tel Aviv.

Tel Aviv dude displaying his junkYet despite the strong opposition from community activists, some Tel Aviv residents see the wisdom in maybe erecting displaying a slightly different kind of statue. Alert local Ronit S. explained. “My family lives in Holon, and last week I had to give my mom directions to my new apartment. So I told her ‘Turn right at the statue of the guy grabbing himself.’ And my mom was like ‘You mean the one on Rothschild where he is using both hands? And then I said ‘No. The one on Dizengoff and Gordon where he is relaxing in a chair with his legs open.’ So yeah…. maybe if they just had a statue of a bird or a car or something, it would be better.

As the protest adjourned for the evening, several philanthropic-minded men from the neighborhood offered to serve as models for a statue that better served the wishes of the community.

 

Knesset: Drawing 6 whiskers on your face is not really a Purim Costume

Daily Freier Purim Satire Israel(Photo Credit: The Cornelia Foundation)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/8/2017 at 3:30 PM

Jerusalem: Israel’s women received some very unfortunate and disconcerting news today. In a controversial ruling, the Knesset mandated that starting this year, drawing six whiskers on your face with a magic marker will not constitute a real Purim costume. President Rivlin further explained the new law and its far-reaching ramifications.

Today Israel is making a statement. Ladies, you can’t just draw some lines on your cheeks, draw a cute triangle on your nose, and call it a Purim costume. Not even if you’re kinda hot. Not even if you wear a fake cat ears headband. Not even if you wear a black bodysuit.”  The President consulted with several lawmakers for a moment and then corrected himself. “OK, OK, maybe if you were a black bodysuit.

Needless to say, reaction to the ruling among Israel’s women was swift.

So that’s it, huh?” fumed Arielle C. “How about the guys I hang out with who have worn the same costume for 3 years. Plus Halloween. ‘Because it’s cool.Lame. Oh and thanks for passing this on World Womens’ Day.

Well that’s just great.” groused the Daily Freier’s very own Emily Goldstein. “I don’t suppose the Knesset is going to pass a law against guys who think sunglasses and a silly hat equal a costume.

While conducting street interviews near Dizengoff Center, the Daily Freier stopped to compliment several women for their outlandish Purim costumes, only to awkwardly change the subject when we found out that they weren’t dressed for Purim but were just from Tel Aviv.

The mold colony in your Tel Aviv Apartment just asked you to co-sign his lease

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 2/25/2017 at 6:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov Street: The colony of mold that lives in the wall between your bathroom and your laundry room has decided to stay in your Tel Aviv apartment for at least another year. But your landlord wants a co-sign on the lease. So the the mold, who goes by “Yossi”, has asked for your help. Yossi explained his decision to stay another year to the Daily Freier.

The apartment is right off of Bograshov Street. And besides the fact that it’s basically turned into France, the location is amazing.” Yossi explained, as he slowly continued his expansion into the apartment’s communal hallway. “Plus the landlord is just the best. Doesn’t do anything that would cause problems for me, like modernizing the plumbing, weatherproofing the windows, or replacing the old wooden cabinets. I basically have the run of the place.”

Yossi went on to describe just how hard it was to find a place to live in Tel Aviv. “I tried everything. I checked for apartment on Secret Tel Aviv, but it was nothing but freaks. I even tried Keep Olim in Israel, but in the time it took me to post to the site, I somehow got in an argument about Binary Options.

Yossi says he is going to split the rent with Boaz the cloud from the Golan Heights who saved his IDF platoon from an ISIS ambush. But Boaz is still finishing up the Army and won’t move in until some time in the late Summer after his post-Army trip to India, so your landlord really wants someone else to co-sign. And other than him asking you to try to help maintain a kosher kitchen, and occasionally releasing spores into the air that make you sneeze and cough, he is kind of low maintenance. Come to think of it, he’s probably the most normal housemate you’ve had so far in Israel.


Tel Aviv bar under investigation for only having 12 owners

*Legal Disclaimer: The bar depicted in this photo has NOTHING to do with this story. But it may or may not be located in the new Shuk Rothschild/Allenby. And the author may or may not have enjoyed a good Alma Lager and a good Shapira Pale Ale for a total bill of just 30 Shekels. With tip. Just needed to share.

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 2/20/2017 at 1:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild:  The city’s night life and social scene are in turmoil today as news leaked out of a disturbing secret: that there’s a bar in Tel Aviv with less than 17 owners. Normally, going out in the city means that at any given time you are out at a bar there is a 10% chance that you are actually a part owner of the establishment. But there’s a new bar in town. With only 12 co-owners. And it’s got people talking. The Daily Freier spoke with members of Tel Aviv’s Office of Code Enforcement concerning their investigation.

In this city, it’s all about enforcing standards.” explained Chief Code Enforcement Officer Smadar T. “I mean, just last year we had to move against your newspaper the Daily Freier when it ran a fake story about a guy selling his adult movie collection on Secret Tel Aviv after a guy in real life went and sold his “someone else’s” adult movie collection on Secret Tel Aviv……So when we found out that this bar had only 12 owners, we became concerned. Incidentally, we are also investigating a bar on Dizengoff without any stools and long tables outside and where the waitstaff act like they actually want to be there.”

Of course, the bar owners in question are quite unhappy about the investigation. the Daily Freier was able to find one of the 12 owners, ‘Alon’ (but his real name is ‘Ron’) to get his side of the story.

“I don’t know what I would do if I lost the bar. I mean, it’s  everything to me.”  explained Alon. “Well, everything to me and the other 11 owners: my cool cousin Tomer, my idiot cousin Tomer, my vaad bayit, Yair, Benny my friend who only ate sunflower seeds for his first six months in the Army , Yoni, my neighbor’s dad, my dad’s neighbor, Yaniv, that guy who sat next to me in second grade, and Shuki.”

In its continued quest to investigate suspicious activity, the Code Enforcement Department also announced plans to investigate a professional dog walker in North Tel Aviv who walks only walks 9 dogs at a time, and a Tel Aviv startup that doesn’t have a ping-pong table on its roof.