Tag: Aaron Pomerantz

Success! Recent immigrant to Israel refuses to leave!

By Aaron Pomerantz & Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 7/23/2020 at 5:30 PM

Tel Aviv: So we got good news and bad news. First, the good news. We met a recent arrival to Israel who is enthusiastic, refuses to quit, and determined to make it work here. The bad news is it’s the Corona Virus. The virus, who immigrated to Israel in late February and is named Rachel or Sarah, was kind enough to sit down with the Daily Freier at that cute cafe near Ben Yehuda that’s really popular with Olim.

OMG I love it here!” enthused the virus. The Daily Freier asked the virus about her story. “So, like my family was originally from China, but then I just started traveling! It was so exciting! Europe! North America! It felt like I was on Gap Year!

The Daily Freier asked the virus if it had any long-term goals in Israel. “I’m going to start my own NGO!” she replied. “It’s going to be like Taglit, except it will bring young infectious viruses to Israel! Isn’t this exciting?!! Imagine…. a virus riding a camel! Taking shots of Tubi! It just made out with the cute soldier from the bus! It’s got mud all over its body at the Dead Sea! ” (Later, we reluctantly had to admit that this idea wasn’t the dumbest piece of Israel Advocacy that we had ever heard of.)

Then the virus started to “spill tea” on life in Israel. I hooked up with a Golani last week! We met at the beach!” Then the virus turned introspective. “But why isn’t he calling me? I mean, I got his text that he’s sick with a high fever. But is that just some kind of commitment issues bullshit? They say he’s in an isolation ward on his base, but I think he’s just ghosting me.

As we got up to leave, the virus had one more question. “So when do I get my 750 Shekels from the Government for Covid Relief?

UPDATE: There appears to be an End Date to the Corona Epidemic. After the Holidays, she’s going to get married and move to Ra’anana and then nobody will ever hear from her again.

 

The Daily Freier is now sitting Shiva for Secret Tel Aviv

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/11/2020 at 6:30 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: Yesterday the Daily Freier woke up to its very own Al Naqba: the Facebook Page Secret Tel Aviv has closed down. That’s right, Tel Aviv’s #1 resource for Corona Hookups, getting your dog laid, getting your cat laid, directions to…ummm, the Shuk, and selling “someone else’s” adult movie collection is now shut down (apparently Secret Tel Aviv was also a resource for concert information, local events, buying and selling items, and finding jobs, but who knew?) Secret Tel Aviv founder Jonny Stark explained it all yesterday in a post, yet we still struggle for answers, because while the loss was felt across the city, The Daily Freier was clearly hardest hit by this tragedy. You see, Secret Tel Aviv has been like a reliable friend to the Daily Freier. If Writer’s Block occurred, all we had to do was sit down with our laptop, drink our Coffee Hafuch, and let the majestic weirdness of Secret Tel Aviv flow until our creativity returned. Well, either that or wait for Rabbi Shmuley’s daughter to open a sex shop just off Allenby. But whatever. This is basically our nightmare.

To make matters worse, it now appears that we are far less clever and witty without drawing from the endless well of bizarre Jews that they used to call Secret Tel Aviv. Sure, we can still wait for Sarah Tuttle-Singer to write her inevitable post-Corona epiphany involving an off the Derech lesbian cab driver who grows the best mangoes on her Yishuv. Or basically anything from Keep Olim in Israel. Or the Polar Vortex known as Dizengoff Center. Or, you know, why Jerusalem kinda sucks. But make no mistake about it, the feelings of loss that we’re experiencing right now are real. Which makes us wonder, where do we go from here?

Jonny, if you can hear us:

We’re all out of love, We’re so lost without you. We know you were right believing for so long. We’re all out of love, what are we without you. We can’t be too late to say that we were so wrong.

Asking for a friend.


UPDATE: The Daily Freier has created an experimental algorithm to create our own Secret Tel Aviv posts while we wait for our Geula.

 

 

Heroes of Corona: Tel Aviv man just cut you in line while maintaining Social Distance

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 4/24/2020 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Allenby: We celebrate many heroes of the Corona Epidemic: Police, First-Responders, Doctors, Nurses, Grocery Store Workers, Postal Employees, Delivery Drivers, Soldiers. Yet there are some heroes who have gone unnoticed: people who refuse to be afraid and continue to maintain their routine. One such man is Danny, a Tel Aviv man who somehow just managed to cut in front of you at the Super Yuda near your house while still maintaining proper social distance.  The Daily Freier was at the scene to witness this symbolic act of defiance against Covid-19.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.” explained line-cutting victim Adam H. “He’s truly a professional. I’m not even angry. That was….. majestic.”

We then asked Danny just how he was able to perfect his fine art. “Believe me, It’s not easy.” he explained. “But we’re Israelis. This is not my first crisis.” Danny continued. “With a proper understanding of Physics, anything is possible.”

When asked about his plans for the future, Danny indicated that he prayed for an end to the Government’s restrictions on movement, so he could get back to his routine of almost hitting you with his scooter while you walk on the sidewalk.

 

Local Man discovers that Secret Tel Aviv is not just a Corona Dating Site

*Disclaimer: The man in this story is NOT the man in the photo! Please don’t get mad at him! (We sort of have a history of messing these things up.)

By Emily Goldstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/25/2020 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Today a Tel Aviv man discovered something amazing: that the popular Facebook page Secret Tel Aviv has purposes other than being an impromptu Corona Dating Site. You see, for the past month, people returning from abroad have gone on Secret Tel Aviv to, umm, “spice up” their Quarantine arrangements. Some dude even had a Lady Friend advertising him to potential partners, explaining that he was hot and there was “Yoga and Books” at his place. Then ANOTHER guy advertised his Corona Pad to potential candidates, with something about kombucha and naked sunbathing. So one could forgive Start-Up employee/surfer Danny S. for not knowing that Secret Tel Aviv actually does other things. Danny took time out of his busy schedule to explain his moment of clarity with the Daily Freier.

So I found a woman’s credit card, and I went on Secret Tel Aviv to meet her and return it. But, ehhm, I also mentioned that I wear a Size 44 Shoe.” Danny grinned mischieviously. “Get it? Get it?” (REAL LIFE ALERT: A dude just did this.)

The Daily Freier tried to focus Danny on just what he discovered on Secret Tel Aviv that was different from his perception. “Oh yeah!” Danny exclaimed. “So I was looking around the site and saw all this other stuff. I thought, ‘Hey, I can swap apartments, find a yoga class, and sell my stuff.’ I never knew! You can even ask for a home-pedicure during Lockdown!” (REAL LIFE ALERT: A woman just did this.)

The Daily Freier wanted to get more of “The Big Picture” so we asked one of our female readers just what the heck was going on, and she explained. “Corona 2020 is basically ‘guy who ghosted me in 2017′ suddenly coming out of the woodwork with new shitty invitations. Total sweetheart in my inbox just thinking about my health during this pandemic, offering to come straight to my bedroom for safety purposes. ‘No problem, in the Corona time we date in the car or house so your choice.’ ….Please kill me.”

This is even better than the time Secret Tel Aviv opened a Sperm Bank.

Trapped in Quarantine, Daily Freier forced to satirize itself

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 3/24/2020 at 5:44 PM

Tel Aviv: As the Corona Virus drives life as we know it to a halt, one of the sectors hardest hit has been Anglo-infused Israeli satire. The Daily Freier, long a leader in this field, has found itself devoid of inspiration as its authors wander the confines of their homes muttering to themselves and suffering collective Writers Block. Forced to cannibalize themselves satirically, the Writers Collective known as The Daily Freier slowly descends into madness. And The Daily Freier was on the scene to cover it!

How can I make Dizengoff Center jokes if I can’t leave my home…. I have literally nothing to say.” complained Aaron Pomerantz. “Wait, does that make me shallow?” Aaron poured some whiskey into his Coffee Hafuch and appeared to have an epiphany. “Hey, maybe I can make fun of my Vaad Bayit and the way he puts out the trash cans!

Meanwhile, the Daily Freier’s correspondent in Judea and Samaria, Chava Ewa, was struggling to fit in writing while trying to home-school her 7 children and her husband. “The kids only stop fighting when they are hungry, which is actually fine because they eat about 14 times a day. Also the makolet cashier thinks that I’m hoarding food because I come every day and buy 4 bags of milk and two boxes of cornflakes, but…ummm…. 7 kids?” Chava turned on the TV news and suddenly found inspiration. “Hmmm, the Corona unit in the hospital…. is it quiet? They cook for you? …No kids? That doesn’t sound half bad.

The Daily Freier then checked in with our correspondent Lee Saunders, but he was home in Manchester nattering on about the weather and driving his mom insane and we weren’t able to get any actual statement from him.

Yet there was some good news. Our Dating & Relationships correspondents Mia Deych and Emily Goldstein reported in that they are hard at work writing up a story on Secret Tel Aviv’s dramatic turn toward becoming a Corona Virus Dating Site (Editor’s Note: We are really really doing this. Stay tuned).

 

 

 

Patriotic Germs in Tel Aviv Central Bus Station vow to fight Corona Virus

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 2/27/2020 at 6:30 PM

Tel Aviv: With the worldwide spread of the dreaded Corona Virus, Israelis fear that the pandemic will soon affect their country as well. Yet while most Israelis remain confused and without a plan, one group has already organized to fight the virus head-on: the germs who live in the Tel Aviv Bus Station. The giant complex boasts abandoned floors occupied by transients, a Yiddish Theater, scary toilets, and a bat colony. In addition, it houses a community of fiercely nationalistic microbes that are gruff but lovable. The Daily Freier is quite familiar with the Central Bus Station, having once marketed a cologne inspired by its smells (Really!), so we had no problems meeting germs to interview.

This Corona character doesn’t know who he’s messing with.” explained Shirli, an e-coli virus living on the door knob of the 3rd floor womens’ bathroom. “You’re in MY house now.”

We are organized and ready for this threat.” noted Tomer, a staph infection hanging around the escalator near the Levinsky Street entrance. “Am Yisrael Chai.

Gamla will not fall again, and neither will we.” stated Dudi, an airborne fungus living in a pile of bat feces on the second floor.

In addition to the germs in the Central Bus Station, the Daily Freier learned of other microbes organizing against Corona, to include Yossi the Household Mold behind your Tel Aviv apartment’s bathroom wall, the stuff living in Tel Aviv’s Atarim Square, and the germs living in the dry pee in Dizengoff Square.

When we shared this story with actual Israeli humans, they noted that this plan is better than Health Minister Litzman’s real-life Corona plan, which consists of stopping flights from random Asian countries and protecting an accused sex offender from being deported to Australia.

 

 

 

“Wait, what happened to TeleGrass?” Naama Issachar adjusts to life in Israel

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 2/9/2020 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv: After being caught with some cannabis and spending close to a year in a Russian jail, Naama Issachar is now happily back in Eretz Yisrael thanks to a personal appeal from Prime Minister Netanyahu. Yet a lot has changed here in Israel since the early days of 2019, and Naama discussed her adjustment process to Israeli life with the Daily Freier.

Wait, what’s up with Telegrass?” Naama asked us, slightly annoyed. “There’s a Nature Party in the Galil next week and I was hoping, I mean a friend was hoping to touch base with my weed guy, I mean a friend’s weed guy.” Naama paused for a moment and reflected. “The funny thing is that all of Tel Aviv basically smells like a giant spliff, but ‘everyone is out of weed‘. Like is that even scientifically possible?”

Naama continued describing the Big Adjustment. “I have so much to catch up on. Things like who won ‘The Voice’, and who we’re sending to Eurovision…. so is ‘Tudo Bom’ still a thing?”

Before ending the interview, we secured a promise from Ms. Issachar that she would update us with all the stories from her inevitable trip to MidBurn and/or Tzfat later this year.

EPILOGUE: While the Daily Freier has a rich history of shrewdly negotiating with Mr. Putin, nobody from the Government bothered to call us. Next time something like this happens, can someone have Bibi’s office send us a text?

Daily Freier admits that it invented Ariel Gold to increase Web Traffic

אֵשֶׁת חַֽיִל מִי יִמְצָא

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 2/6/2020 at 5:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Today the Daily Freier, in response to published reports, admitted that it invented Ariel Gold. The Code Pink activist best known for her anti-Zionism, junkets to Iran, and sliding into the DM’s of Hen Mazzig wacky protests, is in fact a fictional invention of the Daily Freier editorial staff created after a bizarre 2014 Negev retreat that featured mushrooms, hand puppets, a stack of old Lilith Magazine issues from the 1980’s, and a Belgian-Palestinian mime troupe. The Daily Freier attended a somber press conference convened by the Daily Freier.

We made the whole thing up.” admitted Daily Freier editor Yuval Weiss. “The Angry Tweets about Israeli food and cultural appropriation? Fake. The time she got deported from Ben Gurion? We hired an actress who we met at Ulpan Gordon. The bad spelling and Yiddish phrases used out of context? We ran old tweets from Jewish Voice for Peace through Google Translate three times.

What followed next was a cacophony of questions from reporters offended that they had been lied to for so long. Exactly why had the Daily Freier felt the need to deceive the public for so many years?

Clicks. We did it all for clicks.” answered Yuval. “We tried to do journalism on the straight and narrow, but the cost of living in Tel Aviv is nuts and we were running out of ideas. Creating the character of Ariel Gold allowed us to buy drinks for our friends and pretend that we were getting rich. Also this isn’t the first time we were forced to retract a storyline.  By the way, does anybody know who might have snitched on us?”

The gathered reporters continued to bombard Mr. Weiss with angry denunciations until he finally argued back. “OK people, give it a rest. It’s not like a couple of desperate Jews conjuring up a mythical creature ever had any unintended consequences.”

On the bright side, Shani the Rabbit is now a free woman.

Daily Freier criticized for “Anglos Only” Pétanque Tournament

No Francophones were harmed in the making of this article

By Mark Levy & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 12/1/2019 at 3:45 PM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Apparently the Daily Freier is in a lot of trouble.  Like, a LOT of trouble. In the spirit of Community, we decided to organize a pétanque tournament. In Tel Aviv. On Rothschild Boulevard. Where apparently a certain….group of Olim congregate and play this really cool looking game that looks like bocce only even more ridiculous. Anyhoo, we organized this Competition, and somehow accidentally added “Anglos Only” to the Facebook Event. Must have been an oversight. You see, the Daily Freier has been obsessed with pétanque for a long time. But now we are getting a bunch of angry texts from the principal of Collège Français de Tel-Aviv, the French Embassy, and that kinda hot/kinda crazy French girl from your Ulpan. The Daily Freier hastily held a News Conference to dispel rumors.

Daily Freier editor Yuval Weiss greeted the assembled press, but before he could finish his introduction, an angry editor from I24-Francaise lit into him.

It is simply…absurd that the Daily Freier would exclude the very Nation that created this noble sport from your tournament. Do you not notice that the pétanque courts of Rothschild are absolutely French?”

Wait, they’re French?” replied Yuval. “You sure? Because I’m so Woke that I don’t see race or color or national origin.”

The Daily Freier tried to change the subject to our upcoming Chanukah Scavenger Hunt in Dizengoff Center, but the French Embassy Chargé d’affaires stood on his chair and began reading from the Declaration of the Rights of Man and name-dropping the Marquis DeLafayette.

Finally, Yuval was able to regain control of the Press Conference. “We apologize for the oversight. It’s just that as Anglos we are used to creating new opportunities on very short notice. It’s hard to explain this concept sometimes….. Wait, what’s the word for ‘entrenpeneur’ in French?

Finally, The Daily Freier was able to defuse the situation by inviting everyone to a Mickey Rourke Film Festival at the Kerem House.

*In the spirit of Jewish Solidarity, we promise to hold next year’s Daily Freier Pétanque Tournament in Netanya.

 

 

 

 

 

Israel adds extra Yom Kippur just for Scooter Riders

“This is your chance to apologize to us.”

(photo credit: Hazel Orpen)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/11/2019 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv: In the greatest change to Judaism in centuries, Israel has added an extra Yom Kippur. Yet it’s reserved specifically for scooter riders, because they suck  their actions have posed a unique challenge to 21st Century Israeli society. Specifically: how does one repent for anti-social behavior if a single Yom Kippur is not enough? The Daily Freier walked over to the Tel Aviv Rabbanut to get all of the facts.

 

We were greeted in the Lobby by Yossi, the Rabbanut’s Director of Community Outreach. We asked him exactly what prompted this drastic action. “The rise of the scooter has affected us all.” he explained. “Bird, Lime, whatever. Remember when electric bicycles were the most annoying vehicle on the sidewalk? Good Times.”

The Daily Freier asked Yossi just how the Rabbanut could possibly change the Jewish calendar. “Why not?” he replied. “We have 3 Election Days this year. What’s an extra Kol Nidre?” Yossi thumbed through the Gemara looking for a specific passage.  “This extra Yom Kippur…. it is a chance for you to repent for being such a… how do I say this without committing Lashon Hara?….. for being such a sociopathic ass.

The Daily Freier challenged Yossi, noting that anti-social behavior takes many forms. “You raise a compelling point.” Yossi replied, as he pulled another book from the shelf. “Next year, bzrat HaShem, ‘Extra Yom Kippur’ will also apply to people who play matkot on the beach.”

In the spirit of diversity, Daily Freier will also be accepting repentance from those of you who park on the sidewalk.