Tag: Al Qaeda

Tel Aviv Startup Launches ‘Al-Qaedate”: a dating App for the Lonely Jihadists of the Sinai

New Dating App for Lonely ISIS men of the SInai Daily Freier

By Mia Deych, Mark Levy, and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/8/2016 at 3:20 PM

Sinai Peninsula: A Tel Aviv-based startup has launched a hot new dating app called Al-Qaedate. At first blush, it seems to be quite similar to Tinder (pictures, swiping, matching, chatting), but as explained to us by one of the developers, Ido, it’s obviously NOT.

The dating scene in Sinai is quite hot, but the opportunities are dry.” explained Ido as we met him for a cup of coffee near Azrieli Center. “That’s why we launched Al-Qaedate. One of the key features of the app is that it’s designed for both sheep and human, and they have equal opportunities to swipe left or un-match those whose behavior turns shady or inappropriate.”

Just to be sure, The Daily Freier went down to the dusty paths of Sinai to find out what’s going on for ourselves. Once there, we met up with recent ISIS recruit Achmad, a big fan of the app. Achmad introduced us to his current sheepfriend, whom he met thanks to the new app.  She asked to be referred to in this story by her Online Profile “WadiGirlRepresenting” because her family is “like super old-school“. WadiGirl explained what drew her to the app. “Guys around here are ridiculous. This one guy seemed nice, but he swiped right on me and then the next week on one of my girlfriends from back at the Oasis. I mean, we’re in the same flock…..We talk.” Then WadiGirl’s conversation turned to a more serious subject. “I just got out of a toxic relationship with a guy from al-Nusra” she disclosed as her voice cracked. “I’m looking for someone who has real feelings and respects me as a sheep, not as someone just to pass time with.” Achmad encouragingly hugged WadiGirl and whispered something in her ear.

Other members of ISIS have high expectations on the new app, too. “I used to be on Tinder, but most of the sheep look nothing like their pictures.” noted Hasan. “No full body shots, just angles and side views. Or pictures with their girlfriends from the same flock. How can I guess who she is? And why do they always write ‘Serious Guys Only?’ I’m not ready for commitment.  I mean, life’s been hectic recently…..drone strikes, schisms within Jihadist organizations based on whether to immediately pursue a Caliphate, stuff like that. I just hope this new app offers more choices.”

Back in Tel Aviv, we confronted the Management of Al-Qaedate for aiding the Enemy and told them that they were bringing more shame to Israel than any other business.  But then they reminded us about FOREX.

 

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Israel draws West ISIS in World Cup Quarter Final

West ISIS Israel Football match

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 4/27/2016 at 11:50 AM

Tel Aviv: The world will hold its breath this weekend as Israel and West ISIS will do battle for a shock place in the World Cup semi finals, after both teams overachieved in the group stages.

The tense clash will be the first time the Zionist nation has gone head to almost-head with West ISIS, who surprisingly topped the Caliphate group after a penalty shootout win against Al Qaeda…when the opposition goalkeeper was beheaded during the coin toss.

After losing 5-1 to East ISIS in the opening game, the signs weren’t good for West ISIS, whose entire midfield was hurled into the stands after the linesman was blown up for raising the wrong flag. Managed by Kassam Allardyce, they switched the formation to play 10 up front and one lookout at the back after a poor back pass saw a central defender hit on the head by a flaming vuvuzela. That formation worked as they sneaked through the group stages with wins over Al Nusra and Boko Loco before clinching top spot in an eventful win over Al Qaeda. Trailing one nil, West ISIS controversially equalised in stoppage time when an in-swinging corner found super sub Jihadi Ringo, who had only put on his suicide vest moments before. He nodded the ball goalwards. The keeper palmed the ball away but the striker’s head flew in, along with two fingers, a right elbow and a knuckleduster. As ISIS fans celebrated by singing Liverpool FC’s ‘You’ll never walk alone‘, the opposition fans began to chant ‘You’ll never walk again‘ so the referee awarded the goal before he was assaulted by irate tea vendors.

Israel’s qualification was more routine as they coasted through, under the management of financial wizards Ehud Olmert and Aryeh Deri. Opposing managers were paying shekels into their offshore bank accounts while the Israeli attack scored freely. Israel thrashed Lebanon 6-0 when they turned the floodlights and water off after hearing of a rocket fired at Haifa. The Zionists romped past the Future Palestinian State, 9-0, after Israel’s Egyptian coach Sissi executed the substitutes bench, which was being used as a grenade factory. The BBC called for an immediate boycott, running with the headline: ‘Palestinian heartbreak as Israel steals football glory‘.

This World Cup had been awash with dramas and scandals. Mexico were kicked out for refusing to play the USA unless Donald Trump quit the race for president. Germany were docked points for fielding a squad comprised only of Syrian refugees, while England’s threat to leave the European Union saw them placed in the Pacific Group where they were knocked out 1-0 by sleeping giants Fiji. Speculation still remains about the result of the game between Israel and Iran, managed by former Ayatollah favourite, Haveyouhadyourdinnerdad. The Al-Jazeera commentary box and cameras were detonated by Hezbollah when fans rose for the Israeli national anthem Hatikva. Drone footage, however, showed the Iranian first XI limping off at the final whistle, beaten and bruised, screaming ‘OK, OK, so Israel bloody exists!’

Oddly, there are plenty of tickets still on sale for the Israel-ISIS clash at the stadium in the central Asian republic of Icouldntgiveaf–kistan. As TV networks booked flights out of the country, ex FIFA president Sepp Blatter promised security would be as tight as his wallet and as comfortable as his padded cell in Switzerland.

The football pilgrimage is expected to see Israel bring 25,000 fans including the publicity-shy supermodel Bar Refaeli. It is unclear how many ISIS fans will come until the end of a three-week gun battle in Palmyra. Available at www.armageddon.com (strictly a fanciful jest!–The Freier Legal Department), tickets start at $5 and include a souvenir program, a light beer and funeral expenses.

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Conspiracy Nut has a theory About ISIS that does not involve The Jews

conspiracy nutBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/24/2015 at 11:00 AM

Grand Forks, North Dakota: Part-time copyright researcher and full-time conspiracy theorist Bobby Holloman has some decidedly unorthodox ideas.  He has proof that the 1969 Lunar Landing was filmed in the back of a Stuckey’s Restaurant off of Interstate 40 near Amarillo.  He refuses to do business in paper currency, but rather barters for his needs using gold dust.  And don’t get him started on 9/11.  But perhaps his wackiest conspiracy theory to date involves  the Terror State of ISIS.  Bobby has a theory for their  origins and funding that does not involve the Pope, the Illuminati, the Federal Reserve, Queen Elizabeth, and most of all, the Joooooz.  The Daily Freier had the opportunity to speak with Bobby at his compound on the North Dakota prairie this week.

Quick, come in and close the door behind you!  You only have seconds to spare!” implored Bobby as he ushered us into his home while scanning the sky for drones. “You want some water?  I drilled my own well! No fluoride for me!”

As we sat down in his living room, Bobby explained his theory on the origins of ISIS. “OK, this is going to sound crazy, but let me lay it out for you:  I believe that a combination of Saudi Arabia exporting Wahhabi ideology for a generation, oil money from corrupt Gulf States, veteran Jihadists of Al Qaeda’s wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Chechnya…..plus a confused Western Civilization led by a man who thinks Climate Change is its greatest threat– these factors combined to create the conditions for ISIS.”

When the Daily Freier challenged him on his wacky theory, Bobby elaborated. “Of course, Bashar Assad and Hezbollah can take some credit for killing peaceful Syrian protesters in 2011 instead of negotiating with a frustrated Sunni majority. And of course Iran was pulling Bashar’s strings…….then there’s the West’s Progressive Left that seems to hate its own civilization more than it hates ISIS…..of course Al Jazeera should take a bow for beaming Islamist propaganda into millions of homes for 20 years…..I mean, call me crazy but let’s connect the dots.”

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Bobby asked us if we wanted to get on his mailing list because he was about to publish a manifesto explaining exactly how the Kardashians became famous.

 

 

Prince of Darkness Gives Joan Rivers 48 Hours to Vacate Hell After She Makes Osama Bin Laden Cry

joanriversshowsthoughtsoscarssticksupretjal_kwvbl1(Editor’s Note: We don’t really think that Joan Rivers is going to Hell, but this was too good a story to ignore.  Plus we hope she would have liked it.  We also know that Jews aren’t really big on the whole “Hell” concept, which is a good thing because members of the Daily Freier Staff may or may not have been blogging on Shabbes.  But if there is a Hell we hope that Bin Laden is forced to attend an eternal synagogue board meeting debating the time and location of next month’s Sisterhood Rummage Sale……)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/6/2014 at 10:30 AM

Gehenna: A Spokesperson for The Deceiver of Men confirmed today that because of a very public blow-up involving the late Al Qaeda mastermind Osama Bin Laden, Ms. Joan Rivers was no longer welcome in Hell and has been asked to vacate the premises no later than Midnight, 7 September, Hell Central Time. The incident occurred at Hell’s Starbucks [Editor: OF COURSE Hell has a Starbucks] yesterday afternoon, mere hours after Joan River’s passing from this plane of existence. According to bystanders, a very public argument broke out moments after the outspoken Jewish comedienne entered the shop to find Mr. Bin Laden sitting with several of his wives drinking pumpkin-spice blend.

Rivers: Fancy meeting you here, you big putz!

Bin Laden: You are a shameless Jewish whore!

Rivers: Tell me something I don’t know; I sold bracelets on QVC that said the same thing…..(Turning to a very young  looking wife of Bin Laden) Honey, how old are you? Don’t you have a curfew?  (Turning back to Bin Laden) Hey Osama Bin Amber Alert, where did you meet this one, during recess?

Bin Laden: You cannot talk to me like that! I led the confrontation with the Great Satan! I made your nation quake! I…

Rivers: (Interrupting) And you died watching porn in a shithole so disgusting I wouldn’t let my dog pee there. (Lighting a Cigarette, looking Bin Laden in the eye)…. Bubelleh, I’m just getting started with you…..

Starbucks Employee: Excuse me Ms. Rivers, But the 7th Circle Starbucks has a strict No Smoking Policy [Editor: OF COURSE Hell enforces No Smoking Rules]

Rivers: Don’t tell me about your stupid No Smoking rules! I’m f–ing dead!  Do you think I give a…….[The Employee Runs Away]

Bin Laden: [Getting Up, turning to his wives] We are leaving!

Rivers: Your beard makes you look like a low-rent Wolfman Jack! [She starts handing out business cards to Bin Laden’s wives]  Listen up ladies—whenever you want to leave this loser, I know the best divorce lawyer in Hell [Editor: And there are quite a few of them down there]. You’re each entitled to half his shit.  Which is 50% plus 50% plus 50% plus 50%,which equals…..forget it, let me go ask my sheister accountant….

It was at this point when Hell’s Mall Security escorted Ms. Rivers from the premises and presented her with a Persona Non Grata Order.  When contacted, Ms. Rivers’ publicist noted that she currently has no plans post-Hell, but she may do a week of shows in Vegas.