Tag: FOREX/Binary

Tel Aviv Woman Suffers Panic Attack After Accidentally Wandering Into Ramat Gan

 

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By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/28/2015 at 11:00 AM

Ramat Gan: A Tel Aviv woman was involved in a serious incident today, which could have ended tragically if not for the quick thinking of alert bystanders.  Local realtor Sarit F. suffered a crippling panic attack after accidentally wandering out of Tel Aviv city limits and into Ramat Gan. The Daily Freier talked to Sarit as she convalesced at Ichalov Hospital.

“I had just left Savidor Train Station and was crossing the street.  I must have gotten disoriented by all the construction.  Anyway, I  walked for about ten minutes.  The further I walked, the more confused and scared I got. I mean, the streets became quiet and tree-lined.  The houses looked like they had been built at some point in my lifetime.  At no point was I almost hit by somebody on an electric bicycle.  And there were no signs that a dog had recently relieved itself on the street.  It was horrible. I started to just lose it.  The next thing I know, paramedics were helping me into the ambulance.”

The first-responders credited the quick thinking of passersby for ensuring a happy outcome to this story.  The Daily Freier spoke to some of these Good Samaritans at the scene. “I saw this woman just freaking out in the middle of the street” noted alert local Ronit S. “I used to live in Tel Aviv, so I know the symptoms of ‘Bubble Withdrawal’.  I ran over and gave her some Cofix coffee and then called out for others to help.  So a bunch of people ran over and started to walk five-abreast and speaking French while they almost knocked her down.  Another woman passing by got her cell phone number and code-called her with an opportunity to invest in FOREX……..Then another guy went and peed on the sidewalk.”

In response to this near tragedy, the Tel Aviv Department of Public Safety issued a bulletin to residents listing warning signs that they may be leaving the city and to turn back immediately:

  1. You see a grocery store that offers a wide variety of foods at reasonable prices
  2. You stop at a coffee shop where the waitstaff view themselves as waitstaff and not as actresses, writers, or “about to launch a start-up”
  3. Somebody is wearing a yarmulke
  4. During work hours people are going to or from work or appear in some other way to be gainfully employed
  5. You don’t see any tiny cards on the ground advertising the sex industry
  6. You meet somebody who voted for Netanyahu
  7. There are people on the street who are not walking dogs
  8. You cannot immediately find a yoga studio
  9. You see a man in his 20’s or 30’s who is clean-shaven
  10. Nobody tries to steal your bike
  11. You can’t find Haaretz anywhere

The Daily Freier wanted to stay at the scene longer and conduct more interviews, but being so far from Allenby Street was making us feel kinda not cool and we had to just leave.

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IDF Creates Door-to-Door “Secret Tel Aviv” Team In Case of Wartime Loss of Internet

 

(photo credit: Wikipedia)

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/19/2015 at 8:30 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya: The Israel Defense Force’s Home Front Command has teamed up with the popular Facebook page Secret Tel Aviv  in order to create a real-world door-to-door simulation of the site in case the city experiences a wartime loss of Internet.   The Secret Tel Aviv Mobile Team  consists of IDF reservists along with veteran Internet trolls of Secret Tel Aviv, under the command of Captain Uri P., a career officer from Home Front Command.  The Daily Freier sat down with the Captain to learn more about this exciting development.

“This all started during last summer’s Gaza War.  We knew that Hamas was aiming its missiles at Tel Aviv’s critical infrastructure.  We also knew that Secret Tel Aviv is responsible for 50% of all commerce in the city for used cosmetics, old shoes, and broken I-Phones.  In addition, Secret Tel Aviv is responsible for at least a third of all household repairs in the city, from women asking strange men to come unclog their sinks ‘in exchange for coffee’.  So we knew that if Secret Tel Aviv were to go down, it could cripple the city.  I mean, how would Olim Hadashim know that they suck and should return to their country of origin if it weren’t for Secret Tel Aviv?”  Captain Uri went on to explain how he assembles his team.  “If you spend your days on Secret Tel Aviv asking for crowd-sourced advice on your relationship issues, if you try to sell small shampoos that you got from when you stayed in a hotel, if you say ‘Welcome to Israel’ to people who post that their bike got stolen……your country needs you.”

Although the unit officially stood up just this month, The Secret Tel Aviv Team began operating unofficially last summer at the height of the conflict. The Daily Freier spoke to some members of the Tel Aviv public about their experience with Secret Tel Aviv Team.

Alert local Ronit S. described what it was like to see the Secret Tel Aviv Team in action. “The sirens went off at 2 AM, and our building is really old so I grabbed my nieces and nephews and ran down to the basement.  We didn’t have any time so we were all in our pajamas.  The kids were scared and crying. Then Secret Tel Aviv showed up at the shelter.  One of the women started sharing some really personal stuff about what seemed like a serious thyroid condition and asking me for advice. I told her she needed to ask a doctor but she just kept talking.  Then another guy showed me an insect that he found in his kitchen and asked me to identify it. Then the Captain said some really inappropriate shit about how I looked in my nightgown.” Ronit continued to describe the night as she fought back tears; “The fact that they risked their lives in order to just totally waste my time……I have never felt more proud to be Israeli.”

Recent Immigrant Jacques L. also described his experience. “I had just made Aliyah from France in June. So when I went to the public shelter during the alert, I didn’t really know anybody.  But then Secret Tel Aviv showed up.  One guy told me that it was because of me that nobody could afford an apartment, and that I was probably only going to spend 2 months a year there anyway.  Also, a woman told me that her washing machine was broken and that she would be really grateful if I came over and fixed it.  Then she said ‘wink wink’.  I mean I’m French and all but it was still sketchy as hell. Then another guy just started ranting incoherently about FOREX and Binary….It was at that moment that I knew we were all in this together and that Israel is my home.  Am Yisrael Chai.”

Captain Uri told the Daily Freier that based on the early success of Secret Tel Aviv, Homefront Command plans to also create a team that in wartime will go door-to-door with the Facebook page “Keeping Olim in Israel” doing everything they can to convince Olim that they’ve made a huge mistake.

Citing Soaring Rents, Poor Job Prospects and “Lack of Community”, Jellyfish Depart Tel Aviv

cropped-tel_aviv_jellyfishBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 7/20/2015 at 10:20 AM

Tel Aviv, Gordon Beach: After arriving with high hopes of success just 6 weeks ago, Tel Aviv’s Jellyfish population has packed its bags and begun migrating northward toward better opportunities  along the Levantine Coast.

“I tried, I really tried” shared a disappointed medusa Ethan S. “I did Ulpan, but outside of class me and my friends only speak jellyfish and I never really made friends with locals. Also, I’m not sure if this was an issue, but whenever I hung out with Israelis, I would just sting the shit out of them.”

“I just couldn’t afford it” noted a translucent purple Shoshanna P. “I was living with three roommates in Florentin.  I couldn’t find any work besides Forex.  I mean, I attack unsuspecting beachgoers with my poisonous tentacles, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do Forex or Binary.”

Ethan was quick to add that he would be back “Sometime next year, after I get my finances together”.  But when asked if he might try to stay a little longer, Ethan was insistent that it was time to go. “I’m done……I’m just done…..Plus I want to be gone before all the French arrive in August.”

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Anarchists hack into Secret Tel Aviv, post reasonable requests to exchange goods and services followed by helpful and informative feedback

Anarchists Hack into Secret Tel Aviv, Post Reasonable Requests to Exchange Goods and Services Followed by Helpful and Informative Feedback

(Photo Credit: Secret Tel Aviv)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/6/2015 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: A previously unknown anarchist collective has hacked into the popular ‘Secret Tel Aviv’ website, and inserted malicious posts that offer a reasonable exchange of good and services, as well as intelligently written requests for information.  These posts are then followed up by helpful and informative user feedback in which those who replied clearly read the original post, thought about their response, then wrote it in a way that adds some sort of value to the conversation.  Local residents vented their concerns about this disturbing situation to the Daily Freier:

I saw a post asking for information on Holiday Bus Schedules, and something just didn’t feel right.” noted Jerry F. of Neve Tzedek. “The question was intelligent and well written.  But what really got me concerned were the responses.  The first post on the thread included an attachment to the Dan Bus Lines Website in English.  Then somebody else included helpful hints.  Not one person called him stupid, to look it up himself, or told him to go back to his country of origin.  After a while I was just, like, NOT. COOL.” 

Alert local Ronit S. had a similar scare that fortunately turned out to be a false alarm.  “I responded to an ad looking for models/actresses for an upcoming event.  At first I have to admit I was concerned.  I mean, the ad was written by someone with a grasp of basic business letter-writing. It also clearly stated the times, dates, and payment for work.  So I was definitely feeling weird about it.  But when the guy responded he said that he needed pictures of me in my underwear, and that his studio was behind the Central Bus Station.  So I was, like, Baruch. HaShem. Legitimate Secret Tel Aviv.

However, according to a recent press release, Secret Tel Aviv is aware of the incursion and is taking concrete steps to fix the problem.  “We take this violation of our customers’ trust very seriously and our tech support team are working around the clock to fix this.” wrote the Secret Tel Aviv Webmaster.  “In the meantime, here are some quick tips for our readers to know that they are in fact looking at a legitimate Secret Tel Aviv post:

1) Somebody wants you to carry something on an airplane for them

2) Somebody on the post calls you a racist

3) A thread devolves into sexual banter within 5 replies

4) A frustrated, confusing rant against Israeli men or women

5) The words “Forex” or “Binary”

6) A response to an unfortunate event that includes the phrase “Welcome to Israel”

7) Somebody is selling used cosmetics

8) A post that starts with “I know this might not belong here” followed by a post that definitely does not belong there

9) A request, with photo attached, to identify an insect found in somebody’s kitchen

10) Anything involving cats

Daily Freier Staff had to cut short their investigation so that they could check the ‘Secret Tel Aviv’ site because, hey, we still love it.

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