Tag: Tel Aviv

Your Daily Freier Guide to Eurovision 2019!

AGF-l7_nQRCupGIAw-SIJiQsHAg8Cta3uYl4XbFXJg=s900-mo-c-c0xffffffff-rj-k-no.jpgWelcome to Israel all you Eurovision Weirdos! You’re going to LOVE it here! Let’s get ready for a week of indecipherable songs by Icelandics paired with costumes that someone stole from a sex dungeon! Ha Ha! Just kidding! Not really! Anyhoo, the Daily Freier is here to help you enjoy Israel to the fullest! So without further ado, let’s get started!

Ben Gurion Airport: Hopefully you flew here on El Al, which is pretty good preparation for the tip-top customer service that you can expect here in Israel! That flight attendant who keeps responding to your requests like you’re a particularly slow 4 year old? Her name is Nava and she (probably) doesn’t actually dislike you. That’s just the Sabra charm! And if you had the good fortune to fly here with some Israelis, well things are getting even better!  You can spot them when they jump out of their seats to grab their bags out of the overhead compartments about the time you’re flying over Cyprus.

Taxis: Remember when you told your friends you hoped to “hook up” with a cute local? Well, congratulations because you’re about to get screwed! Seriously, take the train from the airport to Tel Aviv. As you leave Customs and enter the arrival hall, it’s to your left. There are kiosks where you can buy a ticket to any Tel Aviv station for about 3 Euros (Editor’s Note: We apologize for departing satire to provide actual good advice. We will try not to do it again.)

Israeli Men: Ladies, the men of Israel want you to know that despite any differences in religion or language or culture, they are still willing to have sex with you. Like right now. They got time, their Startup doesn’t open for another hour and their bike is still charging. Not to put too fine a point on it, but our city’s main park is shaped like a penis. A woman pointed this out to us, and they tend to notice details.

Israeli Women: OK, we’ve been here a while and we’re still trying to figure this one out. Native Israeli men seem equally bewildered. Please email us any clues.

LGBT Visitors: Tel Aviv is normally pretty gay.  But as of this morning, and thanks to a team of selfless volunteers, it is now officially Gay Enough for Eurovision!

Fun outside of Tel Aviv: Lies! If you travel East of Ayalon Highway, nothing but hellfire awaits you! Stay in Tel Av….. Sorry folks, that was Aaron Pomerantz our “City Beat” reporter and he’s not a fan of leaving this City to explore. But let’s look at some of the possibilities!

Haifa: Do you like factories? Do you like chemical plants? How about climbing up hundreds of steps to get to a hummus shop? If so, you’re in luck! Haifa’s got you covered!

Jerusalem: (Snore). Whoah, sorry, we fell asleep for a moment. But really, Jerusalem is an A-Ma-Zing city full of nightlife, and the absolute highlight is the chance to drink beer in a shuk at night. Really.


…… Well that’s all the advice we have for now. Tune in throughout the week as we share various pieces of fact-based news and advice!

 

 

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“Still Not Gay Enough”: Tel Aviv’s last-minute Eurovision preparation

(Disclaimer: No Mizrahi LGBTQ Indigenous Rights Activists were harmed in the making of this photo)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 5/8/2019 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Dizengoff: “Still not Gay Enough for Eurovision”: these are the words that haunt Tel Aviv City Management as they frantically prepare for next week’s extravaganza of bizarre songs and fashion hate crimes celebration of musical diversity and style. With kickoff only days away, the Tel Aviv Municipality Tourism Office has trained a team of experts in order to Gay Up the city. Spokesperson Galit K. described her strategy as we walked around Dizengoff Square looking for a nice brunch place.

The celebrities coming here is great, but it doesn’t help meet our targeted metrics. I mean, does Madonna even HAVE a following in the Gay community? So we knew we needed outside help.

The Daily Freier challenged Galit that Tel Aviv seems pretty Gay already, but she was adamant. “You’re making a common mistake. A lot of people have a difficult time figuring out if Someone is Gay or Just Being Israeli. We address this issue every year at Pride Week. That’s why we trained up a team of experts in order to make every day Tel Aviv activities a bit gayer. We really want to thank the Swedish Ambassador for hosting our workshops. We also could not have done this without help from the Technion’s prestigious Streisand Center for Gay Science, who postponed their reverse engineering of that amazing appletini one of them had in the Hamptons two summers ago in order to help us.

The Daily Freier was able to follow one such expert, Hen Mazzig, as he walked across the city with a clipboard and a bag of accoutrements. We soon passed that statue on the corner of Dizengoff and Frishman. “OK, that statue is just fine as it is.” Hen explained as he switched a cafe’s music selection to Eyal Golan.

We then asked Hen what his biggest challenges were this week. “While most of Tel Aviv is already kinda Gay, there are pockets of the city that just don’t get it.” Hen noted as he handed a restaurant owner a Tax Voucher for any Brunch with Bottomless Mimosas that goes past 1 PM. “Yesterday I saw three guys on the street who clearly haven’t been to the gym in a month. Honestly, for a moment I thought that I was in Jerusalem.

News of Tel Aviv’s efforts have not gone unnoticed in the Progressive Jewish Blogosphere, with some particularly pointed criticism from some circles. “So wait, is Hen volunteering or getting paid?” asked Forward contributor Eden Washing-Pink. “Because from what I know, Hen has a lot of Shekels.

This attempt to gloss over the Occupation with Gayness is problematic and points to deeper issues in Israel-Palestine.” chided Forward editor Mazkeret-Batya Calgon. “I plan to live-blog my critiques of this propaganda.” Mazkeret-Batya then leaned in and lowered her voice. “Also, can you guys help me get free tickets and backstage passes to opening night? I mean, I AM the editor of a Jewish publication on the front lines against anti-Semitism.

EPILOGUE: In order to promote diversity, Tel Aviv promised that after Eurovision, they would open a nice bar for straight people.

 

“Now we can park like sociopaths without a car!” Tel Aviv celebrates the e-scooter & mobike

By Mark Levy & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 4/13/2019 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: The city of Tel Aviv has a little more equality these days, and people are excited. You see, it used to be that in order to park like a total dick, you needed to be able to afford a car. No Longer! Today with the huge success of rental companies like Mobike, Bird, and Lime, parking like a sociopath is within everyone’s reach. The Daily Freier walked the streets of Tel Aviv to find out just how big a deal this is.

I love the freedom that this gives me.” explained local dick Dan G. as he dropped his Lime on the sidewalk in front of a cafe. “I always thought making other people’s’ lives difficult with bad parking was just for the rich guys who could afford a car and a permit. But now, I can really make my mark on the city!

Not caring about how my actions affected other people used to be so difficult without a car.” noted Ron C. “But with my Bird, it’s so easy making life inconvenient for my fellow Tel Avivians. This is even better than matkot!

Annoying my neighbors used to be so hard.” reminisced North Tel Aviv resident Guy S. “But now, with my Bird, I can block paths to schools and create a public hazard on a budget! Only in Israel!

Tune in next week when the Daily Freier visits the Rabbanut to learn the halakhic ramifications of parking your bike on the sidewalk.

 

 

 

We hid the Afikoman in Dizengoff Center!

Oh Hi There!  So you’re attending the Daily Freier’s annual Passover Seder? A-Ma-Zing! Can’t wait to see you! Because this year our Seder is going to be a Very Special Episode. You see, we hid the Afikoman somewhere in Dizengoff Center! That’s right, somewhere in Tel Aviv’s labyrinth of an Urban Mall lies the Afikoman!

Is it in that weird store that sells candles on that ramp near the tattoo place? Maybe, Maybe Not.

Is it in that little shop that sells pop-tarts? Not saying.

Can I use the “Easy Dizi” navigation App to help find it? You could if you want. But it won’t help.

Is the Afikoman on the parking lot on the roof with the mystery greenhouses? No comment.

Is the Afikoman near the Information kiosk that doesn’t provide information? Our lips are sealed.

Is it near the Elephant Butt Slide? Sadly, that slide no longer exists. So, No.

Can we ask Zachary the tourist who went missing there in 2015? Sure, if you can get ahold of him.

Chag Sameah Bitchez!

 

First Time Ever! Meretz now campaigning east of Ayalon Highway!

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/27/2019 at 4:00 PM

Givatayim: In a move being described as “Bold”, and “Game-Changing”, the Meretz Party has begun campaigning for votes East of Tel Aviv’s Ayalon Highway. The Kinda Lefty party, long known for absolutely dominating entire Tel Aviv neighborhoods, has decided that a good way to campaign in a national Israeli election is to go out and talk to people who live in…. Israel. The Daily Freier caught up with Meretz volunteers Assaf and Dalit as they wandered around Givatayim handing out literature.

It’s time that Meretz reached out to the Periphery.” said Assaf. “We need to find the people who live in Distant Settlements like here in Givatayim, and who knows, maybe even Ramat Gan!”

The Daily Freier asked Assaf and Dalit just what precipitated this unorthodox move by Meretz.

The 2015 Election was just such a shock.” Dalit explained. “I mean, nobody I know voted for Bibi, so how could he win? It made no sense. But then we thought, wow, maybe there are people who live in other neighborhoods. And maybe we could, I don’t know, talk to them. Crazy, right?

Assaf talked about just how difficult the process has been to work in a new environment. “I can’t find Haaretz anywhere, and I just saw this guy walking around with a weird cap on his head. I think it’s called a….wait….I know this…..”

A Kippah?” offered the Daily Freier helpfully

Yes! That’s it! A Kippah! But I think we’re really making progress.”

Dalit then described other challenges they face trying to expand the reach of Meretz. “Last week Assaf and I did some amazing outreach in Holon. We must have signed up 50 people to our e-mail list. But then on Shabbat, Tamar made these very…. special…. brownies and now I can’t remember where I put my clipboard with all the names.”

As we got up to leave, Assaf asked us if we had any rolling papers.

Our Kafka statue will be a nice metaphor for your time here at Tel Aviv University!

Oh hey there! Welcome to Tel Aviv University, located right here in the Start-up Nation! Just to get things started, take a good look at that statue on the First Floor. Franz Kafka! Wasn’t he cute??? Wait, where were we? Oh yeah, the Kafka statue? Check it out. Because believe it or not, your time here at TAU is going to be a bit like waking up in one of his novels every morning!

So back to Kafka. The themes in his books? We got them covered! Alienation? Yes! Trapped in an absurd bureaucracy that forces you to double back again and again without making any progress? Yes and Yes! Crushed by an unfeeling modernity? Yes and Yes and Yes! Transforming yourself into an insect? OK not so much, but still, you get the idea.

Wait, you want to sign up for classes outside of your program? Because you really can’t do that. Huh? You heard that you could? Where? the Student Guide to your program that you pulled from our webpage? Oh we don’t really look at that. It’s kind of like a “site map” or a “FAQ” or something. You know, something on the Internet that nobody ever really uses.

So that form you dropped off last week? You can have it back now. Because this really isn’t the right office for that stuff, you probably need to talk to the International Office about that. Wait…. they told you to come talk to us? OMG that doesn’t even make any sense!

But don’t worry, graduation is just around the corner! But no need to stress! Cuz when you do graduate, we’re going to send your diploma about a year or two later! And it’s going to look like it was typed up in Microsoft Word with a cute font and printed on paper from our office! Because it was!

You’re going to Love it Here!

(*Mad Props to the Artist Formerly Known As Alex Swinton for inspiring key paragraphs of this allegory.)

Jerusalem Syndrome victim rushed to Tel Aviv for emergency dose of pretentious self-involvement

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/29/2018 at 4:45 PM

Jerusalem, Church of the Holy Sepulchre: A man was airlifted to Tel Aviv yesterday with only moments to spare after suffering from an acute attack of “Jerusalem Syndrome“. You see, Jerusalem tends to drive people nuts. And not just “OMG This is such an A-Ma-Zing party city! We can even drink beer in the Shuk!”  No, we’re talking “I believe I am a Central Character from a Major World Religion and I intend to dress the part. Footwear optional.”

So when a barefoot bearded man wearing a white robe started hanging around the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, authorities were immediately suspicious. And as he got more and more “in-character”, paramedics were on alert. Finally, as he began to quote the Book of Revelation, the man was ushered out the door to a waiting helicopter. Yair S., one of the paramedics on board, explained.

We were going to rush him to Tel Aviv on the High-Speed Rail, but we needed to arrived some time that day, so we decided to airlift him instead. And by the time we got him to the chopper, he was quickly fading and we knew we only had moments to put him on the path to being a shallow and self-absorbed Tel Avivian. So as my partner placed a pair of stupid sunglasses on his face and a bluetooth in his ear, I braided his hair into a man-bun. By the time we reached Icholov, he was stabilized. Thankfully, his beard was just fine as-is.

The Daily Freier was able to visit Icholov Hospital’s state-of-the-art “De-Jerusalemization Chamber“, where the man was currently under treatment. Dr. Chaim T. described the man’s progress. “So we have him on a steady diet of Cafe hafuch, freshly squeezed juice, and muesli from that place on Dizengoff. And I must say, he’s making great progress. Just an hour ago, he told me that he’s ‘an influencer’. With any luck, by next week he will be voting Meretz.” Doctor Chaim then peered into the chamber and jumped with excitement. “Good news! Good news! He just went onto Secret Tel Aviv to try to get laid!

UPDATE: As the story went to print, Icholov Hospital proudly announced that the man had moved to Florentin and now claims to be a graffiti artist. Also, he now blogs from a nearby vegan coffee shop and is collaborating on an app that helps you procure a medical marijuana prescription for your dog.