Tag: Tel Aviv

“Now we can park like sociopaths without a car!” Tel Aviv celebrates the e-scooter & mobike

By Mark Levy & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 4/13/2019 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: The city of Tel Aviv has a little more equality these days, and people are excited. You see, it used to be that in order to park like a total dick, you needed to be able to afford a car. No Longer! Today with the huge success of rental companies like Mobike, Bird, and Lime, parking like a sociopath is within everyone’s reach. The Daily Freier walked the streets of Tel Aviv to find out just how big a deal this is.

I love the freedom that this gives me.” explained local dick Dan G. as he dropped his Lime on the sidewalk in front of a cafe. “I always thought making other people’s’ lives difficult with bad parking was just for the rich guys who could afford a car and a permit. But now, I can really make my mark on the city!

Not caring about how my actions affected other people used to be so difficult without a car.” noted Ron C. “But with my Bird, it’s so easy making life inconvenient for my fellow Tel Avivians. This is even better than matkot!

Annoying my neighbors used to be so hard.” reminisced North Tel Aviv resident Guy S. “But now, with my Bird, I can block paths to schools and create a public hazard on a budget! Only in Israel!

Tune in next week when the Daily Freier visits the Rabbanut to learn the halakhic ramifications of parking your bike on the sidewalk.

 

 

 

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We hid the Afikoman in Dizengoff Center!

Oh Hi There!  So you’re attending the Daily Freier’s annual Passover Seder? A-Ma-Zing! Can’t wait to see you! Because this year our Seder is going to be a Very Special Episode. You see, we hid the Afikoman somewhere in Dizengoff Center! That’s right, somewhere in Tel Aviv’s labyrinth of an Urban Mall lies the Afikoman!

Is it in that weird store that sells candles on that ramp near the tattoo place? Maybe, Maybe Not.

Is it in that little shop that sells pop-tarts? Not saying.

Can I use the “Easy Dizi” navigation App to help find it? You could if you want. But it won’t help.

Is the Afikoman on the parking lot on the roof with the mystery greenhouses? No comment.

Is the Afikoman near the Information kiosk that doesn’t provide information? Our lips are sealed.

Is it near the Elephant Butt Slide? Sadly, that slide no longer exists. So, No.

Can we ask Zachary the tourist who went missing there in 2015? Sure, if you can get ahold of him.

Chag Sameah Bitchez!

 

First Time Ever! Meretz now campaigning east of Ayalon Highway!

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/27/2019 at 4:00 PM

Givatayim: In a move being described as “Bold”, and “Game-Changing”, the Meretz Party has begun campaigning for votes East of Tel Aviv’s Ayalon Highway. The Kinda Lefty party, long known for absolutely dominating entire Tel Aviv neighborhoods, has decided that a good way to campaign in a national Israeli election is to go out and talk to people who live in…. Israel. The Daily Freier caught up with Meretz volunteers Assaf and Dalit as they wandered around Givatayim handing out literature.

It’s time that Meretz reached out to the Periphery.” said Assaf. “We need to find the people who live in Distant Settlements like here in Givatayim, and who knows, maybe even Ramat Gan!”

The Daily Freier asked Assaf and Dalit just what precipitated this unorthodox move by Meretz.

The 2015 Election was just such a shock.” Dalit explained. “I mean, nobody I know voted for Bibi, so how could he win? It made no sense. But then we thought, wow, maybe there are people who live in other neighborhoods. And maybe we could, I don’t know, talk to them. Crazy, right?

Assaf talked about just how difficult the process has been to work in a new environment. “I can’t find Haaretz anywhere, and I just saw this guy walking around with a weird cap on his head. I think it’s called a….wait….I know this…..”

A Kippah?” offered the Daily Freier helpfully

Yes! That’s it! A Kippah! But I think we’re really making progress.”

Dalit then described other challenges they face trying to expand the reach of Meretz. “Last week Assaf and I did some amazing outreach in Holon. We must have signed up 50 people to our e-mail list. But then on Shabbat, Tamar made these very…. special…. brownies and now I can’t remember where I put my clipboard with all the names.”

As we got up to leave, Assaf asked us if we had any rolling papers.

Our Kafka statue will be a nice metaphor for your time here at Tel Aviv University!

Oh hey there! Welcome to Tel Aviv University, located right here in the Start-up Nation! Just to get things started, take a good look at that statue on the First Floor. Franz Kafka! Wasn’t he cute??? Wait, where were we? Oh yeah, the Kafka statue? Check it out. Because believe it or not, your time here at TAU is going to be a bit like waking up in one of his novels every morning!

So back to Kafka. The themes in his books? We got them covered! Alienation? Yes! Trapped in an absurd bureaucracy that forces you to double back again and again without making any progress? Yes and Yes! Crushed by an unfeeling modernity? Yes and Yes and Yes! Transforming yourself into an insect? OK not so much, but still, you get the idea.

Wait, you want to sign up for classes outside of your program? Because you really can’t do that. Huh? You heard that you could? Where? the Student Guide to your program that you pulled from our webpage? Oh we don’t really look at that. It’s kind of like a “site map” or a “FAQ” or something. You know, something on the Internet that nobody ever really uses.

So that form you dropped off last week? You can have it back now. Because this really isn’t the right office for that stuff, you probably need to talk to the International Office about that. Wait…. they told you to come talk to us? OMG that doesn’t even make any sense!

But don’t worry, graduation is just around the corner! But no need to stress! Cuz when you do graduate, we’re going to send your diploma about a year or two later! And it’s going to look like it was typed up in Microsoft Word with a cute font and printed on paper from our office! Because it was!

You’re going to Love it Here!

(*Mad Props to the Artist Formerly Known As Alex Swinton for inspiring key paragraphs of this allegory.)

Jerusalem Syndrome victim rushed to Tel Aviv for emergency dose of pretentious self-involvement

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/29/2018 at 4:45 PM

Jerusalem, Church of the Holy Sepulchre: A man was airlifted to Tel Aviv yesterday with only moments to spare after suffering from an acute attack of “Jerusalem Syndrome“. You see, Jerusalem tends to drive people nuts. And not just “OMG This is such an A-Ma-Zing party city! We can even drink beer in the Shuk!”  No, we’re talking “I believe I am a Central Character from a Major World Religion and I intend to dress the part. Footwear optional.”

So when a barefoot bearded man wearing a white robe started hanging around the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, authorities were immediately suspicious. And as he got more and more “in-character”, paramedics were on alert. Finally, as he began to quote the Book of Revelation, the man was ushered out the door to a waiting helicopter. Yair S., one of the paramedics on board, explained.

We were going to rush him to Tel Aviv on the High-Speed Rail, but we needed to arrived some time that day, so we decided to airlift him instead. And by the time we got him to the chopper, he was quickly fading and we knew we only had moments to put him on the path to being a shallow and self-absorbed Tel Avivian. So as my partner placed a pair of stupid sunglasses on his face and a bluetooth in his ear, I braided his hair into a man-bun. By the time we reached Icholov, he was stabilized. Thankfully, his beard was just fine as-is.

The Daily Freier was able to visit Icholov Hospital’s state-of-the-art “De-Jerusalemization Chamber“, where the man was currently under treatment. Dr. Chaim T. described the man’s progress. “So we have him on a steady diet of Cafe hafuch, freshly squeezed juice, and muesli from that place on Dizengoff. And I must say, he’s making great progress. Just an hour ago, he told me that he’s ‘an influencer’. With any luck, by next week he will be voting Meretz.” Doctor Chaim then peered into the chamber and jumped with excitement. “Good news! Good news! He just went onto Secret Tel Aviv to try to get laid!

UPDATE: As the story went to print, Icholov Hospital proudly announced that the man had moved to Florentin and now claims to be a graffiti artist. Also, he now blogs from a nearby vegan coffee shop and is collaborating on an app that helps you procure a medical marijuana prescription for your dog.

 

 

Jesus relocates Armageddon “because nobody wanted to hang out in Afula”

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 11/17/2018 at 2:00 PM

Tel Megiddo: Our Christian friends are in a giant funk today after news broke that Jesus has decided to change the site of the Final Battle between Good and Evil. According to reliable sources, the Prince of Peace decided that Tel Megiddo, lying just southwest of Afula in the Jezreel Valley, lacked the modern amenities to properly host Armageddon. Mr. Yeshua was kind enough to Skype with the Daily Freier and explain his decision.

“I’m sorry, but if we’re going to stage an epic battle between the Forces of Light and Darkness, can we do it near a place with a decent mall? Is that asking too much? Let me put this in perspective. My hometown is no great shakes, but at least we have a really big food mall now. But oh yeah, Afula has a Supersal. Also I try to keep my interaction with the Deceiver of Men to a bare minimum, and he never stops bitching to me about this. He said that Afula left him bored.”

The Daily Freier challenged Mister Of Nazareth, noting that Afula has a station on the new Jezreel Valley Train line, but he was dismissive. “Oh really? So now you can take a train to Beit She’an? Wow. Or maybe you could take the train all the way to Haifa. I heard they’ve got a great party scene there. Bring your walking shoes.

The Freier then asked Jesus if he had any candidates in mind to replace Tel Megiddo. “Well it needs to be close enough to a good pub. Trust me, after all that destruction, the Forces of Darkness will want to find a nice place to have a drink. And my friends in Jerusalem tell me that Tel Aviv is a hive of debauchery. So that might work. And if we held an epic battle in Atarim Square, it might end up looking nicer. Do you think I should ask for ideas on Secret Tel Aviv?

The Prince of Peace continued. “But the armies really could use some open space, so maybe somewhere in the Sharon? I was thinking of Ra’anana, but honestly I’ve lost touch with all my friends who moved there. It’s like they joined the Witness Protection Program or something.”

As we ended the interview, Jesus made a final request to all candidates for the new Armageddon site. “Let the city that isn’t totally lame cast the first stone.”

 

 

 

 

Hundreds compete to be first to pee in Tel Aviv’s renovated Dizengoff Square

(Photo Credit: We took this from the Number 5 Sherut. Not bad, Huh?)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 10/24/2018 at 3:45 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff Square: With workers putting the final touches on the newly stored Dizengoff Square, hundreds are waiting for the chance to put their own trademark Tel Aviv touch to the property. The Daily Freier walked on over to smell the excitement.

First, the Daily Freier ran into Danny, who was waiting patiently just north of the square, right next to the statue of the man displaying his junk. “Ever since they tore down the old Square last year, I’ve just felt like something was missing.” explained Danny as he drank from a liter of iced tea. “But now? Now is my chance.” Danny stealthily eyed the construction site. “Those workers can’t stay there forever.

The Daily Freier then spoke with Nir at the Beer Garden opposite the Square. “So it looks like the City is trying to replace the old structure with something clean and classy, with grass and walking paths.” Nir chugged what appeared to be his 3rd pint of Stella and looked toward the Square with a gleam in his eye. “Welcome to Tel Aviv.

The Daily Freier plans to attend the official opening of Dizengoff Square, where we will offer free samples of our Cologne for Men, “Tachana Merkazit“.