Back in 2017, Sissi the Angry Rescue Dog taught us that using Secret Tel Aviv to get laid isn’t just for humans. Two years ago, a guy tried to find a “Missed Connection”. For his dog. Naturally we decided to troll him and yada yada yada, somehow ended up agreeing to help find Chaim, the Bashert of his beloved dog Sissi. Because Tikkun Olam.
Anyhoo, the Daily Freier wrote the most amazing story as we doggedly (Get it? Get it?) set out to help Sissi the anti-social Kalvah find Chaim the dog of her dreams.
Then the Magic of the Internets did its work. Chaim’s owner even chimed in and posted Chaim’s back-story. On Secret Tel Aviv, naturally. Everything was moving toward a real Shidduch.
So… they had quite a few dates. All seemed well. Tail wagging, sniffing of the important parts… and then one day Sissi was over him. Not sure what happened… maybe the age difference was too much. He had a lot of energy and she just wanted a calm life.
Then Sissi’s dads moved a couple of blocks down the road, but she’s so lazy that she won’t walk all the way to their old meeting place anymore.
Yafo Clock Tower: O.M.G. I am having the Cra-Zi-Est day! So I got on the 125 Bus because I wanted to ride to the Shuk, right? You see, I am ready to FINALLY make Shakshuka at home and wanted to get fresh ingredients. So I’m on the bus and this cute guy immediately starts Talking. Me. Up. Crazy, right? But then he says he needs to get to his Startup and charge his bike and just ghosts. Lame. Anyways, I kinda missed my stop and next thing I know, NOTHING looks familiar. Plus I can’t really understand Hebrew without the vowels. Why are all the bus stops named “Tehina”? Is that a thing? Wait, where was I? OK so I was lost. Started to cry. Texted my mom. But I still don’t understand my phone plan with Golan, so who knows who I actually texted.
OK, so I’m still on the bus and I decide to get off and just get out of my comfort zone. Am I a Nefesh B’Nefesh Poster Girl or what? Kidding! Anyways, I found this amazing giant flea market! I felt like I was in Vintage Heaven! And get this, I bought a yummy Jello called ‘malabi’ for just 5 Shekels! My roommate says you can buy it at Cofix, but she’s an idiot.
OK so I started chatting with the woman who sold me this super cute jean jacket, and— get this — she told me I was in ‘Yafo’. Wait… I think my cousin Ashley lives down here. I think she said she lives near an olive tree that is just hanging in the middle of the air or something. Wait, was she baked when she told me that? OK so I start walking toward this tree and I think I’m lost again, but I see these giant wings on the wall and I asked these really chill tourists from Holland to take my photo with the wings. Wait, is that Basic?
Then I start walking again, because I think I know where the olive tree is, but I guess I didn’t because I ended up outside of like a Chabad House? Except the guy didn’t have a beard and was really clean cut. And he was wearing khaki pants and carried a clipboard? Plus he asked me to take a personality test. Wait What? Then he said something about Tom Cruise. I don’t think this is really Chabad. Like where’s the Rebbetzin? Shouldn’t I get some candles?
Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Apparently the Daily Freier is in a lot of trouble. Like, a LOT of trouble. In the spirit of Community, we decided to organize a pétanque tournament. In Tel Aviv. On Rothschild Boulevard. Where apparently a certain….group of Olim congregate and play this really cool looking game that looks like bocce only even more ridiculous. Anyhoo, we organized this Competition, and somehow accidentally added “Anglos Only” to the Facebook Event. Must have been an oversight. You see, the Daily Freier has been obsessed with pétanque for a long time. But now we are getting a bunch of angry texts from the principal of Collège Français de Tel-Aviv, the French Embassy, and that kinda hot/kinda crazy French girl from your Ulpan. The Daily Freier hastily held a News Conference to dispel rumors.
Daily Freier editor Yuval Weiss greeted the assembled press, but before he could finish his introduction, an angry editor from I24-Francaise lit into him.
“It is simply…absurd that the Daily Freier would exclude the very Nation that created this noble sport from your tournament. Do you not notice that the pétanque courts of Rothschild are absolutely French?”
“Wait, they’re French?” replied Yuval. “You sure? Because I’m so Woke that I don’t see race or color or national origin.”
The Daily Freier tried to change the subject to our upcoming Chanukah Scavenger Hunt in Dizengoff Center, but the French Embassy Chargé d’affaires stood on his chair and began reading from the Declaration of the Rights of Man and name-dropping the Marquis DeLafayette.
Finally, Yuval was able to regain control of the Press Conference. “We apologize for the oversight. It’s just that as Anglos we are used to creating new opportunities on very short notice. It’s hard to explain this concept sometimes….. Wait, what’s the word for ‘entrenpeneur’ in French?”
Tel Aviv: In the greatest change to Judaism in centuries, Israel has added an extra Yom Kippur. Yet it’s reserved specifically for scooter riders, because they suck their actions have posed a unique challenge to 21st Century Israeli society. Specifically: how does one repent for anti-social behavior if a single Yom Kippur is not enough? The Daily Freier walked over to the Tel Aviv Rabbanut to get all of the facts.
We were greeted in the Lobby by Yossi, the Rabbanut’s Director of Community Outreach. We asked him exactly what prompted this drastic action. “The rise of the scooter has affected us all.” he explained. “Bird, Lime, whatever. Remember when electric bicycles were the most annoying vehicle on the sidewalk? Good Times.”
The Daily Freier asked Yossi just how the Rabbanut could possibly change the Jewish calendar. “Why not?” he replied. “We have 3 Election Days this year. What’s an extra Kol Nidre?” Yossi thumbed through the Gemara looking for a specific passage. “This extra Yom Kippur…. it is a chance for you to repent for being such a… how do I say this without committing Lashon Hara?….. for being such a sociopathic ass.”
The Daily Freier challenged Yossi, noting that anti-social behavior takes many forms. “You raise a compelling point.” Yossi replied, as he pulled another book from the shelf. “Next year, bzrat HaShem, ‘Extra Yom Kippur’ will also apply to people who play matkot on the beach.”
In the spirit of diversity, Daily Freier will also be accepting repentance from those of you who park on the sidewalk.
This is your chance to interact with one another. We’re going to make fun of our upcoming 3rd Election (you KNOW it’s going to happen) and have some drinks on a rooftop and you will all share your personal issues which the Daily Freier will spin into future stories. Your previous plans for Wednesday just seem silly now, don’t they?
So there’s an exciting new Events Venue in Central Tel Aviv, and it is Off. The. Hook….. Clothing Swaps, Yoga, Modern Dance and also some events for men! They’re doing Shabbat, they did this weirdly awesome night full of Israeli Midburn enthusiasts. They’re doing Country Night. The Daily Freier may even host a meet-up there in the near future. (Stay Tuned!) But for every successful event, there have been some that were…. not so good. So without further ado, here is our Top Ten List of Worst Kerem House Ideas!
1. Fyre Festival Tel Aviv
2. “Come wash our dishes!”
3. “Is it still good?” A tasting buffet of stuff that’s been in our freezer since Shavuot
4. Win a chance to talk to the cops at our next noise complaint!
5. Come dressed as your favorite angry rant from Secret Tel Aviv
6. “50 randoms we found on Allenby” speed-dating night
7. After everyone gets drunk, we’re Skyping your parents
8. Come trade your cash for our new Crypto Currency!
Tel Aviv: Startup Nation has done it again, releasing an exciting App this week to great fanfare. ‘That’s Gold!’ is an application for Iphone and Android users that alerts you whenever noted BDS supporter/Deep Thinker Ariel Gold says or does something ridiculous. The Daily Freier wandered down to that WeWork office near Rothschild (no not that one, the other one) in order to meet the creators of this amazing application.
“With our ‘That’s Gold!‘ app, we provide our customer with a one-stop shop to stay up to date on the latest dumb shit that Ariel came up with.” explained lead engineer Pinchas G. “Our state of the art algorithm pulls data from Ariel’s Twitter feed, Code Pink press releases, and the comments section for Hen Mazzig’s pet rabbit’s Instagram page.” Pinchas feverishly typed a line of code on his Macintosh and continued. “The 2.0 version even has a feature that notifies you whenever she uses a Yiddish phrase incorrectly.”
Well if you think this App is selling like latkes in December, you are correct. The Daily Freier ran into a number of happy customers on Rothschild Boulevard.
“OMG This is A-Ma-Zing!” extolled Arielle (NOT Ariel) C. “This gives me something to do whenever the Daily Freier is going through Writer’s Block.”
Unfortunately, not all of the feedback was positive. The Daily Freier stumbled upon Alert Local Ronit S. as she desperately tried to silence her beeping Iphone at the coffee kiosk on the corner of Allenby. “Ariel just got into a one-way argument with Jason Greenblatt and now my phone won’t shut off…..thanks a lot.”
The Daily Freier looks forward to Ms. Gold’s inevitable response to this story, because it would no doubt trigger this app, thereby becoming the most Meta thing like ever.
Tel Aviv, Montefiore: A beloved Tel Aviv literary institution is recovering nicely from a month-long bout of Writer’s Block. After weeks of not having goofy yet funny ideas pinging around our respective minds, the Staff of the Daily Freier are now firing on all cylinders. The creativity is happening! We’re busy type-type-typing away! Baruch HaShem!
Oh Yeah….. in completely unrelated news, Rabbi Shmuley’s daughter Chana just opened a Sex Shop in Tel Aviv. Not sure why we bothered to mention this, as it has nothing to do with our miraculous recovery from Writer’s Block, which we attribute to plenty of bikram yoga, a juice cleanse in the Negev, and the Keto Diet. But sure…. Chana, who is clearly carrying on the Boteach family tradition of keeping a low profile/avoiding sensationalism, just opened “Kosher Sex” on Montefiore Street. Plus, it doubles as a clothing boutique!
Since 2014, the Daily Freier has scratched your collected itches for weird stuff. Sometimes we even write our stories based on tips from you, our alert readership! But what if a story is just “Too weird for the Daily Freier“? Well, it happens. Here are ten stories that we simply had to reject. Enjoy wondering what might have been.
1. The men who play pétanque on Rothschild Boulevard: without their clothes on!
2. Latest Nefesh B’Nefesh program helps you get banned from Secret Tel Aviv…. BEFORE you make Aliyah!
3. Holmes Gym just opened membership to straight guys too!
4. Afula: Is it the new Neve Tzedek?
5. Bombshell: Two people who work in Israel Advocacy rumored to get along with one another.
6. Win a chance to be named Jerusalem’s Next Top Hot Chani!
7. Maccabi Health offers free personal development classes to anyone in a Purim “couples costume”.
8. Strange But True: The weirdos who enjoy Tel Aviv AND Jerusalem!
9. Sarah Tuttle-Singer takes 3 bong hits and explains the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict.
10. “Have I Peed Here Yet?” An interactive street map for Tel Aviv men.
Welcome to Israel all you Eurovision Weirdos! You’re going to LOVE it here! Let’s get ready for a week of indecipherable songs by Icelandics paired with costumes that someone stole from a sex dungeon! Ha Ha! Just kidding! Not really! Anyhoo, the Daily Freier is here to help you enjoy Israel to the fullest! So without further ado, let’s get started!
Ben Gurion Airport: Hopefully you flew here on El Al, which is pretty good preparation for the tip-top customer service that you can expect here in Israel! That flight attendant who keeps responding to your requests like you’re a particularly slow 4 year old? Her name is Nava and she (probably) doesn’t actually dislike you. That’s just the Sabra charm! And if you had the good fortune to fly here with some Israelis, well things are getting even better! You can spot them when they jump out of their seats to grab their bags out of the overhead compartments about the time you’re flying over Cyprus.
Taxis: Remember when you told your friends you hoped to “hook up” with a cute local? Well, congratulations because you’re about to get screwed! Seriously, take the train from the airport to Tel Aviv. As you leave Customs and enter the arrival hall, it’s to your left. There are kiosks where you can buy a ticket to any Tel Aviv station for about 3 Euros (Editor’s Note: We apologize for departing satire to provide actual good advice. We will try not to do it again.)
Israeli Men: Ladies, the men of Israel want you to know that despite any differences in religion or language or culture, they are still willing to have sex with you. Like right now. They got time, their Startup doesn’t open for another hour and their bike is still charging. Not to put too fine a point on it, but our city’s main park is shaped like a penis. A woman pointed this out to us, and they tend to notice details.
Israeli Women: OK, we’ve been here a while and we’re still trying to figure this one out. Native Israeli men seem equally bewildered. Please email us any clues.
LGBT Visitors: Tel Aviv is normally pretty gay. But as of this morning, and thanks to a team of selfless volunteers, it is now officially Gay Enough for Eurovision!
—Jerusalem: (Snore). Whoah, sorry, we fell asleep for a moment. But really, Jerusalem is an A-Ma-Zing city full of nightlife, and the absolute highlight is the chance to drink beer in a shuk at night. Really.
…… Well that’s all the advice we have for now. Tune in throughout the week as we share various pieces of fact-based news and advice!
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.