Tag: Tel Aviv

Elderly Israeli who always cuts you in line is excited for new law that lets him cut you in line

Israel Tel Aviv Daily FreierBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/6/2018 at 10:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Milano: A recent Law mandating that elderly Israelis can cut to the front of lines in pharmacies, banks, post offices, and other public services has many Israelis very excited, including the older gentleman in your neighborhood who has been cutting you in line at the supermarket, bank, and post office for the last four years anyway. The Daily Freier caught up with Yekutiel S. for his views on the new law.

This is amazing news, it shows that we’re really one big family. You know, Am Yisrael Chai.” Yekutiel explained, as he created his very own new line for the cheese counter at the Supersel on Ibn Gavriol Boulevard. “But honestly, I’ve been doing fine. To tell you the truth, I haven’t actually waited on line since 1972.”

The Daily Freier then asked Yekutiel how exactly he has been able to manage not waiting on lines without the benefit of legal protection. “So if I’m at the Post Office, I’ll ask if my friend Hanan is working.  If he’s working, great, he comes up from the back room, I hand him my package to mail, we talk for a while, and then I leave.  If Hanan’s not working, then I ask the clerk when he will be back, we talk for a while, and then I tell the clerk that I just have a package to send and I hand it to them and thank them before they have time to object. It’s really that easy.”

But what about the Banks?” inquired the Daily Freier. “Recently, Bank HaPoalim has actually attempted to actually force customers wait their turn!”

“Oh that’s too easy.” replied Yekutiel. “Just walk right up and ‘Rak Shealot’. But last week for the first time that didn’t work, so I told the lady how I once worked in a bank. And I talked to her for 10 minutes about what it was like to work in a bank before computers. Punchcards. Stuff like that. I could tell she was busy, so after a while I told her that I just needed to move some money to my checking account and then I would be on my way…..Also, once in a while I just pretend to be French.

The Daily Freier then followed Yekutiel as he walked to the Post Office to pay his water bill. As we entered the building and he prepared to do the trick where he stands next to the guy in front of you and pretends to know him then slowly sidles between the two of you, he spied the automatic kiosk that dispenses numbers for the queue. Yekutiel stared at the machine in awe.

“What IS this thing anyway?”

UPDATE: Once he figured out how the Postal Kiosk “numbers” system worked, he began methodically collecting every number “For Later” and he held out a plastic bag full of kiosk receipts representing every number between 1 and 999.

 

 

 

Advertisements

Man trapped in Tel Aviv elevator with nothing to read but Haaretz

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 4/4/2018 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Police are racing against time in an attempt to rescue a man trapped in a Central Tel Aviv elevator with nothing to read but today’s edition of Haaretz. The newspaper, known for its Left-Wing stance, as well as for hosting cultural conferences where performance artists throw oranges at the audience and stick flags in their butt (What? You think we just made that up? Oh Ye of Little Faith), is considered somewhat of an acquired taste. Authorities soon learned that the building’s thick concrete walls blocked cellular data coverage thus forcing the man to pass the time by reading Haaretz instead of checking his phone.  Upon learning this, they rushed a team of police, firefighters, and paramedics to rescue the man, identified as recent American immigrant Zachary F, before it’s too late. The Daily Freier wandered over to the unfolding scene to get all of the facts.

Time is precious.” explained the on-scene Commander, a Police Lieutenant named Moti. “We’re afraid that once he reads today’s Amira Hass article, he may lose his will to live. Just like that poor chimp at Tel Aviv University.

Moti continued to monitor the situation via closed-circuit television before suddenly barking orders to a group of firefighters. “Hurry up with the ladder! He’s getting to the part where Peter Beinart implies that he may want to break up with Israel because Bibi won the last election!

While the building’s thick concrete walls forced Zachary to read Haaretz in the first place, Moti explained that they also may have prevented further tragedy. “Baruch HaShem, those concrete walls means he doesn’t have access to Amos Schocken’s Twitter feed.

UPDATE: As the article went to print, paramedics were struggling to insert a breathing tube into the elevator shaft, as Gideon Levy’s latest Editorial on Gaza threatened to suck all the oxygen out of the confined space.

Is this Minyan Sephardic? Because I am NOT following the Chazan AT ALL

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/4/2018 at 1:00 PM

Tel Aviv: So I found a Shul really close to my new place in the Kerem. I know, FINALLY! It’s walking distance, and best of all, I can stop by the Shuk on the way home! Isn’t that great? And even better? They keep this really bright green light on when it’s dark out. No more getting lost! Too easy!

But I have to admit, I am like TOTALLY lost during the services. Last night at Arvit? It was like they were speaking a totally different language or something. I mean, I get used to people here making fun of the way I pronounce my “T” as an “S”. You know, “tushb’chasa v’nechemasa”. But these guys? I mean, they were polite enough, but they kept staring at me when I turned around and faced the door for the end of Lecha Dodi (at least that’s where I thought we were). Finally I caught up with them during the Aleinu when they all started bowing down. But get this, they stayed bowed down for, LIKE, a really really long time. I don’t know, maybe it’s a Moroccan Shul?

But everything was pretty chill. I mean, until I tried to do Kiddush at the Oneg afterwards.

 

Training for war, Hezbollah builds realistic model of Tel Aviv that’s unaffordable, full of pot smoke & smells like pee

 October 29, 2017 Training for war, Hezbollah builds a mock-up of Tel Aviv that’s unaffordable, full of pot smoke & smells like peeBy Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/14/2018 at 8:30 PM

Bekaa Valley, Lebanon: With this week’s little misunderstanding with our Northern neighbors, it appears that the region is one step closer to war. Yes, despite last Autumn’s highly effective #IsraelLovesLebanon hashtag campaign, it appears that not everyone is feeling the love. In fact, Iran continues to arm Hezbollah with advanced weaponry, including its latest “Ben Rhodes” Missile. Yet today the Daily Freier discovered an even more serious escalation: Hezbollah has turned an isolated part of the Bekaa Valley into a realistic simulation of Tel Aviv in which to train its troops. In fact, this “Little Tel Aviv” is so realistic, it’s overpriced, covered in cannabis smoke, full of electric bikes, and smells like dried pee. In order to get a better picture of the situation, the Daily Freier interviewed a Hezbollah representative named “Ali” via Skype.

Yesterday, we tested one of our squads on what it would be like to be inserted into the city.” explained Ali. “So they hid out in a cafe until dark and ended up spending all of their allotted funds on 30 Shekel cups of coffee. And when they went outside at nightfall, their bikes had been stolen.”

As Ali continued his description, volunteers were visible in the background chugging large amounts of water and tea in order to help put the finishing touches on the city’s unique aromas. “We had to postpone last week’s exercise after our mortar squad tried to take a shortcut through the Namal port and ran out of funds.” Ali then introduced the mortar team leader, Hassan. “We were moving through the Namal and saw a Shuk, so we said ‘Hey, let’s stop for supplies.’ An hour later we wandered out with 4 white potatoes and a jar of tahina for 150 Shekels….. They said it was organic.”

To make matters worse, Ali revealed that their Logistics Unit quit halfway through the Exercise and decided to form a start-up. “Now they just stand on the roof all day with their shirts off playing ping-pong.

Ali also explained that the problems reached as far as Hezbollah’s Women’s Auxiliary. “Zeynep is one of our sisters in the Resistance who served as a role player in ‘Little Tel Aviv’. But last week she bought a small dog and now she has a fitness-themed Instagram page that tries to sell you nutrition supplements and organic smoothies.”

As we ended the chat, Ali explained that next week their simulated Tel Aviv would receive a massive infusion of people speaking nothing but French.

Tel Aviv-Jerusalem Fast Train aims to remind the cities why they can’t stand each other in just 30 minutes

Tel Aviv-Jerusalem Bullet Trainc with the Daily FreierBy Mark Levy

Last Updated 1/11/2018 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv, HaHagana Station: With the pending (and shockingly somewhat on-time) launch of the Jerusalem to Tel Aviv High Speed Rail line, residents of each city eagerly look forward to the chance to remember all the things about the other city that suck. The Daily Freier wandered the streets of Tel Aviv gathering answers, and then reluctantly took the bus from Savidor Station to do the same in that other city 40 miles to the East that really, really knows how to party.

I don’t quite know what it is about Jerusalem, but it just turns you into a dork.” explained Yafo resident Danny S. “My cousin did Yeshiva there and he actually taught himself to speak poorly accented English. Like he now purposely adds “umms” and “uhs” to his sentences. He literally has a self-imposed speech impediment. And he’s from Miami.

Why do all the girls wear those thick black tights that look like they could stop an AK-47 round?” asked Tamar, a personal trainer from Florentin. “Are they auditioning for the next season of Fauda?

The worst is that Jerusalemites take it personally when we remind them how much their city sucks.” explained the Daily Freier’s very own Aaron Pomerantz. “Last year I somehow talked myself out of a date with a pretty dati girl when I told her that Jerusalem is lame.” [Editor’s Note: This may or may not have actually happened to a Daily Freier writer in real life.]

Not to be outdone, the Daily Freier got some very raw responses from the Jerusalem streets about what they can’t stand about Tel Aviv.

Oh great, now it will only take 30 minutes to be able to walk around an expensive humid slum that smells like dried pee.” explained a Dati Leumi woman named Batsheva or Elisheva or Justsheva. “Also, please tell me about your Start-Up.

Tel Aviv is just a giant weirdo reservation.” noted Hillel K. “It’s like they took the weirdest kid from each of my classes growing up, moved them to Tel Aviv, and let them reproduce. Oh yeah, and now they’re artists.

When the Daily Freier asked Hillel about the cool spots for Jerusalem nightlife, he thought for a moment, scratched his head, and answered. “Well, there’s Machane Yehuda on a Thursday night…. And then there’s the other side of Machane Yehuda….. Wait…..Did I mention Machane Yehuda?

According to the Israeli Ministry of Transportation, in 2019 they will open another High Speed line that will allow you to visit your friend who you thought had died but actually had just moved to Haifa in 2013.

Tel Aviv woman throwing away old clothes accidentally opens “Pop-Up Store”

Pop Up Store Daily FreierBy Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/26/2017 at 8:50 PM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov: A Tel Aviv woman had her very own “Start-Up Nation” moment today, and the whole city is talking about it.  Ukrainian Olah Natasha G. was throwing away old clothes when she accidentally opened one of Tel Aviv’s trendy “pop-up stores”, which are stores that, like, pop up in Tel Aviv from time to time. Natasha explains.

“I used to try to sell my stuff at the thrift store near Sheinkin, but I just got tired of the clerks judging me whenever they looked over my clothes…… So anyway, I was putting a handful of clothes on the bench near my house, and this woman just snatched a sweater out of my hand. I was about to scream at her. And then she handed me 20 Shekels. So it was OK…..Welcome to Tel Aviv.

But the story gets weirder. Natasha explains what happens next when two women spied some tank tops and leggings in her bag of discarded clothes. “They said that they really liked the pieces but that first they needed to try them on. And then they both just opened the door to my building and walked right into my Vaad Bayit’s apartment to change. They didn’t even knock. I thought he would yell at me. But for some reason he seemed totally OK with it. He even poured himself a drink.

As we were speaking to Natasha, Alert local Ronit S. interjected to ask what time the store closed because she was on her way to a job interview with a Start-Up near Neve Tzedek, but wanted to stop by when she was finished. She was wearing tan linen business slacks, a cropped vest, and a sports bra.

Finally, 180 Shekels richer, Natasha decided to call it a day and close her shop. “I think I’ll take a walk up to the Old North. The stuff people put on park benches up there are nicer than the clothes I actually own.

 

 

Tel Aviv Startup designs Bike that’s too shitty to steal

Tel Aviv Startup designs Bike that's too shitty to steal Daily FreierBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/26/2017 at 6:10 PM

Tel Aviv, Ibn Gavriol: Startup Nation does it again! A new company has done the impossible: designing, testing, and marketing a bicycle designed especially for the Tel Aviv market. Specifically, they built a bike that’s “too shitty to steal”.  You see, here in Tel Aviv you can keep your bike outside for as long as 20 minutes and still have a good chance of seeing it again when you come back.  Not surprisingly, the new bike, named the Bal-a-Gan, is flying off the shelves.  The Daily Freier stopped by to talk to the development team and some of their happy customers to find out more about the buzz.

When we arrived, none other than the Daily Freier’s very own Mark Levy greeted us. “This is my seventh start-up so far in Israel, so I’m kind of hoping this one works out. But some of my previous start-ups really paved the way for the Bal-a-Gan, especially the App that allowed you to plan the time and location when your bike gets stolen. Mark then went on to explain the unique marketing factors that made the Bal-a-Gan possible. “I guess the biggest factor that created a niche for us is that the police seem to devote just as much resources to combating bike theft as they do for investigating the Binary Options Industry. So we really lucked out.

The Daily Freier then had the chance to speak to a new owner of a Bal-a-Gan. “OMG this bike SUCKS! This is just the best!” exclaimed happy owner Sarah D. Confident that she now owned a bike too crappy to steal, Sarah rode it to the Central Bus Station, left it unattended, and went inside. A man quickly approached the bicycle with bolt cutters, looked at it for a moment, and turned away.”This bike is an insult to my craft.” he noted disgustedly. Then he went back and removed the seat “just on principle.”