By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/17/2018 at 7:50 PM

Gaza: Southern Israel breathed a little easier today after a Hamas bird fitted with explosives abandoned his suicide mission to Israel and flew home instead (And yes, Hamas arson birds is apparently a thing now). The Arson Bird, named Fuad, spoke with the Daily Freier from his nest near Gaza City.

“I chickened out.” admitted Fuad. “When the Hamas bigshots sold me on becoming a Shahid bird, it all sounded great. A lifetime in paradise eating birdseed and screwing 72 females. I mean, where do I sign up, right?”

Fuad went on to explain his change of heart. “It all seemed a bit final, you know? I want to experience life. And there are so many opportunities out there. I mean, my cousin Eddie was a spy falcon for the Mossad…. now he’s in Breaking the Silence I guess.”

As the Daily Freier ended the interview, Fuad claimed he had no regrets. “I am so happy to be home. Besides, who wants to die in Ashkelon?“