Penistone, Sheffield: You chuck our tea overboard in Boston… do you know what that does to a Brit?! No Taxation without Representation… we are all paying now! And then, 3 years later, 1776, you say you want independence and go all Kung Fu on our butts. Is there any wonder we tried to burn down the White House in 1814? We were still sore. We are truly sorry but we would love to have another go…
Anyway, 200 years later, we were all brought together by a love of Oprah and McDonalds, and the “special relationship” endures – despite giving you Downtown Abbey, Gordon Ramsay, James Corden and losing in the Women’s World Cup Semi-Final.
Happy Treason Day and “bless your hearts” from the funniest (“only”) Brit at The Daily Freier.
Wichita Falls, Texas: A terminally ill teen had his dreams come true when celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay paid a surprise to his home and harshly criticized his cooking skills for a full 45 minutes. Bobby Holliman has been cooking since kindergarten, so when he received news that he had six months to live, his parents contacted the Make-A-Wish Foundation and said Bobby’s lifelong dream was to have Mr. Ramsay trash his signature dish of fish tacos in person. Gordon and his production company showed up at Bobby’s North Texas home this morning and immediately started peppering him with questions.
“Bloody hell, you’re using store-bought tacos shells aren’t you?” demanded Mr. Ramsay as Bobby smiled and his parents looked on with joy. “Do you even know how to make your own tacos shells? And don’t you lie to me or I will walk out the bloody door right now.”
“I’ve been watching his shows since I was a kid.” explained Bobby. “So when he interrogated me about the marinade while angrily waving a bottle of white wine vinegar in the air….. I just felt so special.”
Even Bobby’s mom Kathy enjoyed the spotlight today. “After 10 minutes, Gordon started searching my house and found my second freezer in the garage. Then he yelled at me to come over and demanded to know how long the vegetable stock had been in the freezer. I mean, this made a magical day that much more amazing.”
As the visit came to a close, Mr. Ramsay presented Bobby with a spice rack and a signed copy of his new book and then told him to go back to the kitchen and clean the f—ing cutting board with some f—ing soap before he gives his whole f—ing family a case of f—ing salmonella.
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Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.
By Lee Saunders