Tag: Lee Saunders

50 Shades of Theresa May

Donald Trump Tehresa May

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/13/2017 at 8:30 AM

Washington DC: In light of the G-20 summit, The Donald has just been called by The Theresa.  And naturally the FBI and MI5 bugged the conversation ……aaaand then somehow Donald Trump Junior was given a copy ……aaaand then the Daily Freier got a copy from him by pretending to be a hot Russian journalist with the goods on Hillary……  aaand we are now sharing it with you: our loyal and credulous readership. So without further ado, here it is……

(Transcript, Joint FBI/MI5 Telephone Intercept, 11 July 2017, 1356 GMT)

Location: The Oval Office, District of Columbia

[BEGIN INTERCEPT]

Unidentified Female (KellyAnne Conway?): Maggie is on line 1, Mr President.

President Trump (POTUS): Put sourface through.

Prime Minister May (PM May): A jolly good morning to you Mr. President [hysterically nervous can’t-believe-I am-still-here laughter] How are you?

POTUS: Angie, my little hausfrau……

PM May: No, Theresa, Theresa. The H is silent.

POTUS: Aaaah, Teresienstadt. Yes, my kinky vicar’s daughter, how you doing gorgeous? What time did you want to play? I think Angie was also interested. Did you see that eye roll at Vlad? I haven’t seen a cold shoulder like that since I cut up Ivana’s credit cards…..

PM May: Oh indeed. Quite the drama queen, Mr. President. We aim to shaft those Germans in our negotiations, sir.

POTUS: Amazing. Just amazing. Again, America is with you. But earlier this time.

PM May: Britain is so grateful for the Special Relationship, Donald. On that note, you mentioned at the G-20 this powerful trade agreement between us.

POTUS: Baby, all of my relationships are special. So much special…..But I was talking about our powerful chemistry. We held hands. Went viral. Bigly.

PM May: You said you wanted something quickly sealed in London.

POTUS: Yes, Melania is with her mother again next weekend. Eastern European women, know what I’m saying? Plus I can probably get out of the meeting about nuking North Korea. So…. you lookin’ for a free ride on the Trump Express?

[Line goes dead]

POTUS: Theresa…Theresaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa [like Marlon Brando’s “Stellaaa” in Streetcar Named Desire]…..KellyAnne, get me that Merkel woman on the line. And don’t stop ’til you get past the Hasselhoff hold music.

KellyAnne Conway: Yes Mister President.

POTUS:  Gotta put a smile on one broad’s chops even if I have to covfefe……

[END OF INTERCEPT]

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Noah returns in new Ark to save us from the Heatwave

Noah's Ark Daily Freier(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 7/5/2017 at 2:30 PM

Tel Aviv: With the mercury in Tel Aviv matching the temperature on Mars, biblical hero Noah has returned to Eretz Yisrael to save locals from the unbearable heatwave.

Today, hoards of confused and melting Tel Avivians were oddly seen rushing INTO the Dizengoff Center Mall AND the Post Office just to get OUT of the heat. Once roads began to crumple and people were being thrown out of the chiller cabinets in Shufersal, the 4700-year-old pensioner decided to act.

Noah and his oldest remaining son, Shem (a mere 4200 years young) have fitted the Convertible Ark Turbo Cruise ship with 2 air conditioning units in each compartment, phone chargers, the Waze GPS Iceberg Locator, and driverless technology.

My hands are still tied by the Torah so I can still only take two of everything – so 2 Israelis (rumors say Gal Gadot has already bagged one spot), 2 stray cats, 2 non-complaining olim, 2 mosquitoes, 2 jellyfish, 2 European backpackers, and 2 girls on Taglit who just love love love Israel. No politicians or HOT Cable customer service representatives are allowed.”

Cabin prices start at NIS 5,000 for a  double. But long lines are expected all the way to Haifa as The Ark, called “Mazgan Miracle II“, is due to set sail tomorrow for Scotland, arriving at its first port in Cardiff before Shabbos.

Pride gone. Now Let’s Get Real

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 7/5/2017 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv, Sheinkin: I am sure my dad would be surprised at dating today – he met my mum at a Valentine’s Day disco in Liverpool – asked if she wanted crisps. She did. They were married for 40 years. Maybe it was Bamba.

Today, have we gone completely nuts? The gay world, literally. If a shared love of crisps belongs to a bygone era, at least let technology be accurate. As a sexual navigation app, it fails. Often.

Here’s Juan Carlos, he is from Chihuahua, Mexico. Oh. Does the Number 63 Bus go there? Can I use my RavKav? Waze says no. Once, someone in Cairo messaged me because his GPS said I was around the corner. Maybe we were once ‘one’ in Canaan. But in 2017? Not so much.

As the technological retreat gathers pace, they are now setting up special wards at Ichilov Hospital for people getting carpal tunnel syndrome from swiping through Atraf at 20 profiles per minute. I should know…. I was just in outpatients. Swipe, scroll, drool, click, next. I could not help marvelling at the talking nipples, zooming in on their bathroom mirror to see if they have used Windolene (you can tell a lot about places and people from their bathrooms, they say). And then, the Sears catalogue of the obligatory selfie at the gym – the new photo booth of the 21st century. I tried. Called someone over to help me lift the 50kg bar bell…….. aaaaand that’s why I was really at Ichilov.

Host?” has become the new hello; the winky emoticon as close to a technological marriage as possible. I am rather partial of the little embarrassed one with deformed jazz hands. Spellings go out the window. ‘Have u got plans?’ Yes: You, Me, Shopping, Oxford English Dictionary. If you know how to use a comma, marry me. Just tell me what crisps you want at the wedding.

I am still a little old-fashioned.

Air Force One Accidentally Joins Israeli Independence Day Flyover

The Daily Freier By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 5/2/2017 at 10:30 AM

Tel Aviv, Gordon Beach: Israeli Security Agency Shin Bet pooped a brick and a half this morning when Donald Trump’s Air Force One accidentally appeared in the country’s Independence Day aerial flyover.

The whole Middle East held its breath as the U.S. President’s private jet, returning from a photographic tour of the Hezbollah Gorillas In the Mist, suddenly veered left, pirouetted and somersaulted into the Israeli Air Force’s procession up the Mediterranean coast.

The crowd ooooohed and aaaaahed but it was clear that the annual display was only supposed to feature F-35’s, F-52’s, B-52s, Commodore 64s, paper planes, the helicopter from the A-Team, the Starship Enterprise, the hot air balloon starring Wonderwoman Gal Gadot, and a drone owned by patriotic forgetful taxpayer/model Bar Refaeli. Incidentally, United Airlines was not invited. And El Al was late. And then, out of nowhere, a plume of orange smoke sent terrified beachgoers diving for cover.

The Donald, unusually defensive, tried to defuse the situation: “Why the fuss? Melania didn’t believe me that Israel was the size of New Jersey. I wanted to show her. Happy 69th Birthday Israel. 69 is the best number. Just the best. I love that number and believe me, I have had a lot of numbers. #69tweeted the U.S. President, with a winky emoji.

Never one to reveal too much, Press Secretary Sean ‘I’m-calm-now‘ Spicer added: “Afterwards, the President had a very lively, I mean friendly, chat with Israeli PM Benjamin No-you-can’t-do-too-yoo-hoo. We are also planning to display the might of the US Air Force…. in a surprise flyover… starting in Washington DC at 8pm on Saturday…. after the Trumps come back from a celebratory dinner on the Champs-Élysées with the Le Pens, Les Pens, the Pens, Ha Penim. Whatever. With fountain pens and stationery. Damn it. I don’t know. It’s been 105 days. And I’m tired.

North Korea’s little dicta-doll, Kim Wrong Un almost choked on his Sausage and Egg McMuffin in disbelief.

#goingtohellinahandbasket
#hunkerdownandprayfordaylight

Newest Instagram Craze? “Hot Israelis cutting you in line”

Hot Israelis cutting you in Line Daily Freier 1

(Photo Credit: Lee Saunders)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 4/19/2017 at 3:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Geula: After the success of “Hotdudesandhummus“, the various “Hot Israeli Army girls“, and “Hot Israeli guys” pages, Israel and the entire Jewish World are going crazy for the newest Instagram phenomenon: “Hot Israelis cutting you in Line“.  The Daily Freier walked the streets to find out just what the buzz is all about.

As we walked past Geula Street, we immediately saw an opportunity to submit a photo of our own, as a rather dapper guy (named “Guy”) was busy sidling himself toward the front of a long line “because I just have a question“. And the reaction to Guy’s chutzpadik ranged the spectrum. At the back of the line, Neve Tzedek artist Dalit was not happy at all. “Who does this man think he is? He is acting like he owns the place……It’s as if he thinks that having amazing facial hair gives some sort of privilege.

Hot Israelis cutting you in line Daily FreierOn the other hand, alert local Ronit S., whom Guy eased past in line on totally false pretenses, was rather smitten. “The way he just walked parallel to the line pretending to talk to the stranger in front of me before easing in the line between us. This guy is an expert line-cutter.” Ronit noted as she twirled her hair and looked at the line’s latest intruder. “Also he seems kind of familiar. I think we might have umm…. nifgashnu… in the Army.

With the success of  “Hot Israelis cutting you in Line“, the developers plan to roll out several other pages for the Summer season, including “Hot Israelis hitting you in the head with a speeding matkot ball“, “Hot Israelis parking their cars on your sidewalk“, and “Hot Israelis almost knocking you over with their electric bicycles“.

Week of mid-flight incidents somehow leaves El Al as America’s favorite Airline

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 4/15/2017 at 9:30 PM

Ben Gurion Airport: There may be crippling strikes, constant davening, and 16 bags per person, but El Al this week succeeded in dislodging United Airlines as America’s favourite airline.

In a poll conducted by the World Wrestling Federation, El Al took top spot for customer service, ahead of previously lovable United Airlines, whose staff, it emerged, are trained in Krav Maga. In violence not seen since Saving Private Ryan, a man was ripped out of his seat and schlepped down the aisle. Speculation that the doctor had removed his seatbelt before the seatbelt sign was turned off proved untrue as his seat was soon filled by trolley dolly Britney, who was, ‘like, late for her shift and had, like, a party to go to’.

A delighted El Al spokesperson said: “While we are thrilled that our aggressive apathy is the new norm, we would draw the line at such aggression shown by United. That is usually reserved for our nation’s Post Office. Also, in Israeli culture, being dragged down the aisle means something else…. Usually, you have 12 months till you need to give them grandchildren.

The Secret Diary of Theresa Bridget-Jones-May, aged 60 ¾

 March 15, 2017 The Secret Diary of Theresa Bridget Jones, aged 60 ¾

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 3/15/2017 at 10:30 PM

London, Westminster: The British security and intelligence agencies were left scratching their heads last night after UK Prime Minister Theresa Bridget-Jones-May left her personal diary on a high-speed train to Reading. It is the most embarrassing incident to happen on an East Midlands train since her predecessor ‘Call Me Dave’ Cameron was caught red-handed in the disabled toilets with a wild boar named Beryl who hailed from Cheshire.

The terror threat around Flange Station was raised to salmon pink as MI-5 agents frantically scoured the carriages, interrogating anyone who looked like they had been on holiday or had an Irish accent.

In an exclusive breakthrough just hours ago, a page of the diary was leaked to the Daily Freier’s Editorial Staff, raising speculation about the Prime Minister’s ‘special relationship’ with US ginger heart-throb Donny ‘So Much Winning’ Trump.

Ever since he called me before Vladimir and Angie, my heart has been all aflutter at the prospect of his visit. I have taken up a little Zumba and I already have my new kitten heels from last summer’s holiday in Magaluf. I think I will also trim my “Maggie“.

The “Maggie” is a popular hairstyle favoured by politicians such as Angela Merkel and the new King of Scotland, Nicola Sturgeon, who immediately called for a third referendum on whether haggis should be served in post-Brexit Britain.

Sources are rushing to establish if the diary’s handwriting was that of the Prime Minister or of senior Republican strategist KellyAnne ‘Feet on the Sofa’ Conway. Asked for a comment on how special the relationship was by the White House press corps (which now consists of just Smitty, a janitor at the Washington Post plus the guy who writes Garfield), Press Secretary Sean ‘I’m-Calm-Now’ Spicer said: “She’s no Melania, but I so would…” before screaming “I gave you 2 pages of his tax receipts, just go home!

A real clue was scribbled on the back of the diary entry: “When our hands touched at the White House, it was wonderfully romantic, I can’t explain it, there was instant electricity… carpal tunnel, arthritis, rheumatism.

Case closed.