Tag: Lee Saunders

Scenes from next week’s episode of “Purim: SVU”

(Photo Credit: We took a picture from Wikimedia Commons and pasted the SVU Logo onto it)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 2/21/2018 at 8:30 PM

Shushan: For centuries, people have remembered where they were when Haman, one of Judaism’s super villains, was hanged. They have swung their rattles, expressed their rage and stuffed their faces. But for 2,300 years, one question has continued to pester us:

Haman. Did he act alone? ….. Or, like he said when he was being led out of the Dallas Shushan Jail: was he just a patsy?

Now, light has been shed on that timeless mystery after the ganze megilla was published by the Israel Museum. We now know not only did the dark and brooding Haman NOT act alone, but he may NOT have demanded Mordechai’s execution at all. After the FBI and Law and Order: Special Victims Unit hacked into the computers of Haman’s 10 sons, they discovered a browser history of Biblical porn and a picture of a sultry Esther parading on a horse. Oh and they also discovered some stuff that’s relevent to the case.

One PDF of a parchment scroll revealed that Haman, real name Hymie Gershowitz, had an insurance business which went under after his star salesman left to set up Mordechai & Sons. With Haman’s sons! After taking over two floors somewhere in Tel Aviv’s Azrieli Towers, Mordechai’s business grew and was listed on the New York Stock Exchange.

It was the ultimate betrayal. My boys? He can have them. But would a phone call have killed him?” lamented Haman on his Blog. “Maybe a ‘Hey Hymie, I’m expanding, come for a bagel nosh, we’ll talk.’ But no. Bubkes. Zilch. Nada.

I mean, I tried looking for him… But there were so many lookalikes, roaming round Dizengoff Center, I gave up. Also a bunch of women dressed like Esther. You know, the hardest thing in Tel Aviv is figuring out if someone is in their Purim costume or just, you know, being themselves.


Palestinians fear fallout from huge cut in aid. Also, they bought a $50 Million Jet

Abbas AirlinesBy Lee Saunders and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/29/2017 at 5:30 PM

Ramallah: There was renewed hope among Palestinians this week after Mahmoud Abbas bagged $50 million in aid money to buy himself a private jet. While some accused the Palestinian President of selling out his people, Abbas said he deserved it.

I am in the 14th year of my 4-year term and my legs aren’t what they used to be. I can’t be sat in armed jeeps the whole time, making things up, cursing, and handing out sweets to the kids.” he added.

The UN’s favorite little grandpa went on to say that he intended to use “Abbas Airlines” to transport his friends between Gaza City and Ramallah, once the freiers at the European Union  finished building them a luxury airport with a lovely baggage carousel.

Hamas also welcomed the move, adding that foreign visitors would be most welcome. Visas would be free, but tourists are expected to take out their own insurance n the unlikely event that yada yada yada. Tourists are already lining up for the opportunity to see Arafat’s Tomb, the Roger Waters Wax Museum, the United Nations School that definitely was NOT used to fire mortars at Israel, and the Hamas Bumblebee. Also, Hamas mentioned something about a tunnel connecting Gaza International’s main concourse and downtown Tel Aviv.

The Abbas Airlines aircraft, dubbed “Quds Force 1”, boasts 72 flight attendants, each covered head to toe. And apparently they’re virgins.

“Hey! Let’s write Fake News about a German guy & his Israeli husband who go on Secret Tel Aviv to get their prudish, legally blind, anti-social dog laid!”

*SPOILER ALERT: Everything in this Story is True.

SCENE: A pub somewhere in Central Tel Aviv. The Daily Freier staff are day-drinking.

Yuval Weiss, Editor:  I’m bored. Let’s make something up. Fake News. You know what would be a great story? A German dancer moves to Tel Aviv.

Mia Deych: OK, but with his Israeli husband.

Aaron Pomerantz: And he has a dog!

Mark Levy: Her name is Sissi! But she hates most other dogs!

Yekutiel Bornstein: Yeah! But Sissi really has a heart of gold! I mean, she is only angry because of her hard-luck upbringing in an American puppy mill. Also, she used to live in Austria.

Lee Saunders: But she is also legally blind. Like, she once attacked a plastic bag that she mistook for another dog.

Chava Ewa: Maybe her owner thinks that Sissi is actually trapped in the wrong body and is really a chain-smoking, whiskey drinking bar brawler. Oh yeah, and he wants to write a book about it.

Mia: But one day she meets the dog of her dreams in Florentin. His name is Haim. And he lives near Levinsky Street.

Emily Goldstein: Yes! But then her owner goes on Secret Tel Aviv to try to find the missed connection!

Yuval: Guys, let’s be serious. People don’t just log onto Secret Tel Aviv in order to arrange romantic hookups for their pets. Wait…. never mind. I guess they do. So where were we?

Aaron: So in order to make this happen, Sissi’s owner supplies the Daily Freier with Glamour Pics! Like for Tinder. Only for Dogs!

Mark: (Scribbling in a notebook) OMG. Tinder for dogs! That is an Amazing idea for a Start-Up!

(Gets up to leave.) I gotta go Beta-Test this.

Yuval: OK Good. I think we have a story. Let’s get chasers.




50 Shades of Theresa May

Donald Trump Tehresa May

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/13/2017 at 8:30 AM

Washington DC: In light of the G-20 summit, The Donald has just been called by The Theresa.  And naturally the FBI and MI5 bugged the conversation ……aaaand then somehow Donald Trump Junior was given a copy ……aaaand then the Daily Freier got a copy from him by pretending to be a hot Russian journalist with the goods on Hillary……  aaand we are now sharing it with you: our loyal and credulous readership. So without further ado, here it is……

(Transcript, Joint FBI/MI5 Telephone Intercept, 11 July 2017, 1356 GMT)

Location: The Oval Office, District of Columbia


Unidentified Female (KellyAnne Conway?): Maggie is on line 1, Mr President.

President Trump (POTUS): Put sourface through.

Prime Minister May (PM May): A jolly good morning to you Mr. President [hysterically nervous can’t-believe-I am-still-here laughter] How are you?

POTUS: Angie, my little hausfrau……

PM May: No, Theresa, Theresa. The H is silent.

POTUS: Aaaah, Teresienstadt. Yes, my kinky vicar’s daughter, how you doing gorgeous? What time did you want to play? I think Angie was also interested. Did you see that eye roll at Vlad? I haven’t seen a cold shoulder like that since I cut up Ivana’s credit cards…..

PM May: Oh indeed. Quite the drama queen, Mr. President. We aim to shaft those Germans in our negotiations, sir.

POTUS: Amazing. Just amazing. Again, America is with you. But earlier this time.

PM May: Britain is so grateful for the Special Relationship, Donald. On that note, you mentioned at the G-20 this powerful trade agreement between us.

POTUS: Baby, all of my relationships are special. So much special…..But I was talking about our powerful chemistry. We held hands. Went viral. Bigly.

PM May: You said you wanted something quickly sealed in London.

POTUS: Yes, Melania is with her mother again next weekend. Eastern European women, know what I’m saying? Plus I can probably get out of the meeting about nuking North Korea. So…. you lookin’ for a free ride on the Trump Express?

[Line goes dead]

POTUS: Theresa…Theresaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa [like Marlon Brando’s “Stellaaa” in Streetcar Named Desire]…..KellyAnne, get me that Merkel woman on the line. And don’t stop ’til you get past the Hasselhoff hold music.

KellyAnne Conway: Yes Mister President.

POTUS:  Gotta put a smile on one broad’s chops even if I have to covfefe……


Noah returns in new Ark to save us from the Heatwave

Noah's Ark Daily Freier(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 7/5/2017 at 2:30 PM

Tel Aviv: With the mercury in Tel Aviv matching the temperature on Mars, biblical hero Noah has returned to Eretz Yisrael to save locals from the unbearable heatwave.

Today, hoards of confused and melting Tel Avivians were oddly seen rushing INTO the Dizengoff Center Mall AND the Post Office just to get OUT of the heat. Once roads began to crumple and people were being thrown out of the chiller cabinets in Shufersal, the 4700-year-old pensioner decided to act.

Noah and his oldest remaining son, Shem (a mere 4200 years young) have fitted the Convertible Ark Turbo Cruise ship with 2 air conditioning units in each compartment, phone chargers, the Waze GPS Iceberg Locator, and driverless technology.

My hands are still tied by the Torah so I can still only take two of everything – so 2 Israelis (rumors say Gal Gadot has already bagged one spot), 2 stray cats, 2 non-complaining olim, 2 mosquitoes, 2 jellyfish, 2 European backpackers, and 2 girls on Taglit who just love love love Israel. No politicians or HOT Cable customer service representatives are allowed.”

Cabin prices start at NIS 5,000 for a  double. But long lines are expected all the way to Haifa as The Ark, called “Mazgan Miracle II“, is due to set sail tomorrow for Scotland, arriving at its first port in Cardiff before Shabbos.

Pride gone. Now Let’s Get Real

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 7/5/2017 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv, Sheinkin: I am sure my dad would be surprised at dating today – he met my mum at a Valentine’s Day disco in Liverpool – asked if she wanted crisps. She did. They were married for 40 years. Maybe it was Bamba.

Today, have we gone completely nuts? The gay world, literally. If a shared love of crisps belongs to a bygone era, at least let technology be accurate. As a sexual navigation app, it fails. Often.

Here’s Juan Carlos, he is from Chihuahua, Mexico. Oh. Does the Number 63 Bus go there? Can I use my RavKav? Waze says no. Once, someone in Cairo messaged me because his GPS said I was around the corner. Maybe we were once ‘one’ in Canaan. But in 2017? Not so much.

As the technological retreat gathers pace, they are now setting up special wards at Ichilov Hospital for people getting carpal tunnel syndrome from swiping through Atraf at 20 profiles per minute. I should know…. I was just in outpatients. Swipe, scroll, drool, click, next. I could not help marvelling at the talking nipples, zooming in on their bathroom mirror to see if they have used Windolene (you can tell a lot about places and people from their bathrooms, they say). And then, the Sears catalogue of the obligatory selfie at the gym – the new photo booth of the 21st century. I tried. Called someone over to help me lift the 50kg bar bell…….. aaaaand that’s why I was really at Ichilov.

Host?” has become the new hello; the winky emoticon as close to a technological marriage as possible. I am rather partial of the little embarrassed one with deformed jazz hands. Spellings go out the window. ‘Have u got plans?’ Yes: You, Me, Shopping, Oxford English Dictionary. If you know how to use a comma, marry me. Just tell me what crisps you want at the wedding.

I am still a little old-fashioned.

Air Force One Accidentally Joins Israeli Independence Day Flyover

The Daily Freier By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 5/2/2017 at 10:30 AM

Tel Aviv, Gordon Beach: Israeli Security Agency Shin Bet pooped a brick and a half this morning when Donald Trump’s Air Force One accidentally appeared in the country’s Independence Day aerial flyover.

The whole Middle East held its breath as the U.S. President’s private jet, returning from a photographic tour of the Hezbollah Gorillas In the Mist, suddenly veered left, pirouetted and somersaulted into the Israeli Air Force’s procession up the Mediterranean coast.

The crowd ooooohed and aaaaahed but it was clear that the annual display was only supposed to feature F-35’s, F-52’s, B-52s, Commodore 64s, paper planes, the helicopter from the A-Team, the Starship Enterprise, the hot air balloon starring Wonderwoman Gal Gadot, and a drone owned by patriotic forgetful taxpayer/model Bar Refaeli. Incidentally, United Airlines was not invited. And El Al was late. And then, out of nowhere, a plume of orange smoke sent terrified beachgoers diving for cover.

The Donald, unusually defensive, tried to defuse the situation: “Why the fuss? Melania didn’t believe me that Israel was the size of New Jersey. I wanted to show her. Happy 69th Birthday Israel. 69 is the best number. Just the best. I love that number and believe me, I have had a lot of numbers. #69tweeted the U.S. President, with a winky emoji.

Never one to reveal too much, Press Secretary Sean ‘I’m-calm-now‘ Spicer added: “Afterwards, the President had a very lively, I mean friendly, chat with Israeli PM Benjamin No-you-can’t-do-too-yoo-hoo. We are also planning to display the might of the US Air Force…. in a surprise flyover… starting in Washington DC at 8pm on Saturday…. after the Trumps come back from a celebratory dinner on the Champs-Élysées with the Le Pens, Les Pens, the Pens, Ha Penim. Whatever. With fountain pens and stationery. Damn it. I don’t know. It’s been 105 days. And I’m tired.

North Korea’s little dicta-doll, Kim Wrong Un almost choked on his Sausage and Egg McMuffin in disbelief.