Tag: Lee Saunders

Trump bashes Lunar Eclipse for no-show over United States

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 7/28/2018 at 1:15 PM

The Sea of Tranquility: The Moon has pleaded for UN intervention after it was slapped with harsh sanctions by Donald Trump for its failure to show over North America.

Visible across most of the world apart from the Western Hemisphere, the longest lunar eclipse did not turn red over Washington…. but Mr. Trump did, tweeting: “There’ll be NO more manned NASA flights, no investment in Crescent Moon Towers and I’m pulling the Ambassador. I’ll give them Star Wars.

After this Close Encounter of The Trump Kind, the Moon told the UN: “This is blatant discrimination with no sanctions imposed on other orbiting Celestial Bodies.”

But Donald hit back: “I’ve had enough of solar systems taking advantage of America for too long and jobs going to extraterrestrials. It started years ago with Saturn running rings around us. Then we found out that Pluto isn’t even a real planet. Well, enough. I won’t change my (Nep)tune or be made to look like Ur anus. #MAGA!

Bonnie Tyler could not be reached for comment.

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Mayhem as Hamas “March of Return” accidentally merges with Tel Aviv Pride Parade

Pride Week March of Return(Editor’s Note: This won’t offend Anybody)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 6/5/2018 at 12:50 PM

Tel Aviv, HaYarkon: There was shock, confusion and blame in the city today when Gaza’s March of Return was diverted through Tel Aviv’s Pride March. LGBT organizers were left bewildered when Hamas militants emerged from the AM:PM on Bograshov dressed in rainbow bandanas, provocatively enjoying lolly ices and flinging their balaclavas in the air like they just don’t care.

Nobody knows exactly how this all happened, although residents in-the-know suspect there is some sort of tunnel on Rothschild. By the time the 200,000-strong parade reached Hayarkon, Islamic Jihad had its own float, waving kites and offering Molotov cocktails to the Bears. Meanwhile, at Charles Clore, drag queens had pinched placards demanding the right to return home. In 40 degree heat, their make up was running.

Miri Regev, Minister for Culture and Sport, profoundly stated: “I have no words, but as long as people are enjoying themselves…. By the way, Have you seen our new pamphlets?

……Although there were some hurt feelings when parade attendees noted that a lot of the Hamas guys looked better in their GRINDR profile pics.

 

 

Big Balagan as Korea Summit now in Jerusalem, Royal Wedding in Tehran, and Eurovision in Pyongyang

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 5/2/2018 at 4:20 PM

Tel Aviv: Event organizers were left alarmed and red-faced after a logistical error scheduled the North-South Korea summit to take place in Jerusalem, the royal wedding for Tehran, and next week’s Eurovision Song Contest to be switched to Pyongyang.

The path to North Korean denuclearization will be discussed over rugelach in the Machane Yehuda market. Bibi is currently having the Iranian documents translated and converted into Korean by a Tel Aviv Startup that hired three Olim desperate for a job and some Filipinos who “probably speak the same language or something.

The Royal Family will arrive in Iran under armed guard on Sunday for the upcoming nuptials of Everyone’s Favourite Ginger with his Hollywood Bride, Fred….. I mean Meghan. The actress from Suits. Street parties and public executions will be accompanied by canapés at 5 PM, while Camilla Parker-Bowles will be sent home strapped to a nuclear warhead later that evening. After honeymooning in Ramallah, the couple are expected to settle in a terraced house in Bognor Regis.

Meanwhile, flights to Portugal for Eurovision 2018 were rerouted to the North Korean capital of Pyongyang after global air traffic control was hacked by first graders in Moscow. All songs considered too liberal, cheesy or colourful are to be censored by State TV with the 15-hour show to instead broadcast ‘Gangnam Style’ on loop, followed by reruns of M*A*S*H.

Donald Trump and Monsieur Macron issued a joint tweet from a fancy hotel room on the Champs Elysees: (#worryingtimes #LoveWins #MelaniaWho?), and then The Donald vowed to reduce world tensions by moving the Embassy to Western Samoa.

Scenes from next week’s episode of “Purim: SVU”

(Photo Credit: We took a picture from Wikimedia Commons and pasted the SVU Logo onto it)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 2/21/2018 at 8:30 PM

Shushan: For centuries, people have remembered where they were when Haman, one of Judaism’s super villains, was hanged. They have swung their rattles, expressed their rage and stuffed their faces. But for 2,300 years, one question has continued to pester us:

Haman. Did he act alone? ….. Or, like he said when he was being led out of the Dallas Shushan Jail: was he just a patsy?

Now, light has been shed on that timeless mystery after the ganze megilla was published by the Israel Museum. We now know not only did the dark and brooding Haman NOT act alone, but he may NOT have demanded Mordechai’s execution at all. After the FBI and Law and Order: Special Victims Unit hacked into the computers of Haman’s 10 sons, they discovered a browser history of Biblical porn and a picture of a sultry Esther parading on a horse. Oh and they also discovered some stuff that’s relevent to the case.

One PDF of a parchment scroll revealed that Haman, real name Hymie Gershowitz, had an insurance business which went under after his star salesman left to set up Mordechai & Sons. With Haman’s sons! After taking over two floors somewhere in Tel Aviv’s Azrieli Towers, Mordechai’s business grew and was listed on the New York Stock Exchange.

It was the ultimate betrayal. My boys? He can have them. But would a phone call have killed him?” lamented Haman on his Blog. “Maybe a ‘Hey Hymie, I’m expanding, come for a bagel nosh, we’ll talk.’ But no. Bubkes. Zilch. Nada.

I mean, I tried looking for him… But there were so many lookalikes, roaming round Dizengoff Center, I gave up. Also a bunch of women dressed like Esther. You know, the hardest thing in Tel Aviv is figuring out if someone is in their Purim costume or just, you know, being themselves.

Palestinians fear fallout from huge cut in aid. Also, they bought a $50 Million Jet

Abbas AirlinesBy Lee Saunders and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/29/2017 at 5:30 PM

Ramallah: There was renewed hope among Palestinians this week after Mahmoud Abbas bagged $50 million in aid money to buy himself a private jet. While some accused the Palestinian President of selling out his people, Abbas said he deserved it.

I am in the 14th year of my 4-year term and my legs aren’t what they used to be. I can’t be sat in armed jeeps the whole time, making things up, cursing, and handing out sweets to the kids.” he added.

The UN’s favorite little grandpa went on to say that he intended to use “Abbas Airlines” to transport his friends between Gaza City and Ramallah, once the freiers at the European Union  finished building them a luxury airport with a lovely baggage carousel.

Hamas also welcomed the move, adding that foreign visitors would be most welcome. Visas would be free, but tourists are expected to take out their own insurance n the unlikely event that yada yada yada. Tourists are already lining up for the opportunity to see Arafat’s Tomb, the Roger Waters Wax Museum, the United Nations School that definitely was NOT used to fire mortars at Israel, and the Hamas Bumblebee. Also, Hamas mentioned something about a tunnel connecting Gaza International’s main concourse and downtown Tel Aviv.

The Abbas Airlines aircraft, dubbed “Quds Force 1”, boasts 72 flight attendants, each covered head to toe. And apparently they’re virgins.

“Hey! Let’s write Fake News about a German guy & his Israeli husband who go on Secret Tel Aviv to get their prudish, legally blind, anti-social dog laid!”

*SPOILER ALERT: Everything in this Story is True.

SCENE: A pub somewhere in Central Tel Aviv. The Daily Freier staff are day-drinking.

Yuval Weiss, Editor:  I’m bored. Let’s make something up. Fake News. You know what would be a great story? A German dancer moves to Tel Aviv.

Mia Deych: OK, but with his Israeli husband.

Aaron Pomerantz: And he has a dog!

Mark Levy: Her name is Sissi! But she hates most other dogs!

Yekutiel Bornstein: Yeah! But Sissi really has a heart of gold! I mean, she is only angry because of her hard-luck upbringing in an American puppy mill. Also, she used to live in Austria.

Lee Saunders: But she is also legally blind. Like, she once attacked a plastic bag that she mistook for another dog.

Chava Ewa: Maybe her owner thinks that Sissi is actually trapped in the wrong body and is really a chain-smoking, whiskey drinking bar brawler. Oh yeah, and he wants to write a book about it.

Mia: But one day she meets the dog of her dreams in Florentin. His name is Haim. And he lives near Levinsky Street.

Emily Goldstein: Yes! But then her owner goes on Secret Tel Aviv to try to find the missed connection!

Yuval: Guys, let’s be serious. People don’t just log onto Secret Tel Aviv in order to arrange romantic hookups for their pets. Wait…. never mind. I guess they do. So where were we?

Aaron: So in order to make this happen, Sissi’s owner supplies the Daily Freier with Glamour Pics! Like for Tinder. Only for Dogs!

Mark: (Scribbling in a notebook) OMG. Tinder for dogs! That is an Amazing idea for a Start-Up!

(Gets up to leave.) I gotta go Beta-Test this.

Yuval: OK Good. I think we have a story. Let’s get chasers.

 

 

 

50 Shades of Theresa May

Donald Trump Tehresa May

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/13/2017 at 8:30 AM

Washington DC: In light of the G-20 summit, The Donald has just been called by The Theresa.  And naturally the FBI and MI5 bugged the conversation ……aaaand then somehow Donald Trump Junior was given a copy ……aaaand then the Daily Freier got a copy from him by pretending to be a hot Russian journalist with the goods on Hillary……  aaand we are now sharing it with you: our loyal and credulous readership. So without further ado, here it is……

(Transcript, Joint FBI/MI5 Telephone Intercept, 11 July 2017, 1356 GMT)

Location: The Oval Office, District of Columbia

[BEGIN INTERCEPT]

Unidentified Female (KellyAnne Conway?): Maggie is on line 1, Mr President.

President Trump (POTUS): Put sourface through.

Prime Minister May (PM May): A jolly good morning to you Mr. President [hysterically nervous can’t-believe-I am-still-here laughter] How are you?

POTUS: Angie, my little hausfrau……

PM May: No, Theresa, Theresa. The H is silent.

POTUS: Aaaah, Teresienstadt. Yes, my kinky vicar’s daughter, how you doing gorgeous? What time did you want to play? I think Angie was also interested. Did you see that eye roll at Vlad? I haven’t seen a cold shoulder like that since I cut up Ivana’s credit cards…..

PM May: Oh indeed. Quite the drama queen, Mr. President. We aim to shaft those Germans in our negotiations, sir.

POTUS: Amazing. Just amazing. Again, America is with you. But earlier this time.

PM May: Britain is so grateful for the Special Relationship, Donald. On that note, you mentioned at the G-20 this powerful trade agreement between us.

POTUS: Baby, all of my relationships are special. So much special…..But I was talking about our powerful chemistry. We held hands. Went viral. Bigly.

PM May: You said you wanted something quickly sealed in London.

POTUS: Yes, Melania is with her mother again next weekend. Eastern European women, know what I’m saying? Plus I can probably get out of the meeting about nuking North Korea. So…. you lookin’ for a free ride on the Trump Express?

[Line goes dead]

POTUS: Theresa…Theresaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa [like Marlon Brando’s “Stellaaa” in Streetcar Named Desire]…..KellyAnne, get me that Merkel woman on the line. And don’t stop ’til you get past the Hasselhoff hold music.

KellyAnne Conway: Yes Mister President.

POTUS:  Gotta put a smile on one broad’s chops even if I have to covfefe……

[END OF INTERCEPT]