Tel Aviv: The worst thunderstorms in decades have smashed into Israel, sending locals for the high ground. Hordes of confused locals were seen rushing INTO the Dizengoff Center Mall just to find shelter as roads turned to rivers and people kayaked in our little Venice of the Middle East.
As the heavens dumped rain, lice, frogs and locusts on Tel Aviv, Biblical hero Noah tweeted: “Finally!” as he looked around for more pine tar. It was at this moment that the 4,700-year-old pensioner decided to act, hauling into each cabin 2 copies of Fauda Season 1 (because why not), 2 of Sara’s untouched credit cards, 2 non-complaining Olim, and 2 copies of Donald’s Middle East peace plan for light entertainment. No politicians or Hot Cable customer service representatives made the cut.
Starting at NIS 5,000 for a double, cabins aboard The Ark, called “Soleiman, Shmolomon” are the same size as a Tel Aviv studio apartment but with enough room to swing two cats.
As the Ark plans to set sail for sunny Scotland, Time Person of the Year Greta Thunberg overexerted herself, calling Donald Trump “a nob” on Twitter.
Jerusalem:The stalemate in Israeli politics is broken and a new coalition has won the backing of the public. Netta Barzilai will join the Blue White and Pink party, thus saving Israeli voters from a third election and saving the sanity of President Rivlin. The shocking move will see the Eurovision winner as Defense Minister. Plus, Bar Refaeli will serve Finance Minister.
As a confused Bibi looked nostalgically at a pair of furry handcuffs, Sarah began to bake cakes with metal files inside. While the ultra-religious parties, Shas and UTJ, sensing their time was up, raided yeshivas, burning a surprising amount of Wizard of Oz DVDs. The Joint List said: “We will not cooperate with this Coalition. We are not your toy. Wait, can we rephrase that?”
An excited Netta noted “I have a manifesto to unite people and make them forget about scandalous corruption, the insane cost of living, and an utterly senseless conflict. Oh, and ridiculous fashion and cheesy music for Everyone!”
(An original-ish Screenplay by Lee Saunders & Aaron Pomerantz)
[SCENE: February 2021, Neve Tirza Prison for Women]
Narrator (sounding a bit like Sara Netanyahu. But definitely *NOT* Morgan Freeman): I must admit I didn’t think much of Bar, first time I laid eyes on her. She might’ve been important in Hollywood, but here in the joint she was just another woman in prison grays. Looked like a stiff breeze could blow her over. I bet the other inmates that she would crack under the pressure the first night….cost me two packs of cigarettes. She never made a sound, if you ignore the hairdryer, chatting on a satellite phone, and name-dropping. I could see why some of the girls took her for snobby. A talk and a strut that just wasn’t normal around here. She strolled. Like a woman with the best lawyer in the world and a cute blonde goysicher ex-boyfriend.
(Scene: The prison roof. Inmates are laying down tar. Sara Netanyahu is the prisoner trustee in charge of the detail. Bar is sunbathing.)
Sara (to another inmate): And now it looks like we need to declare the champagne, cigars, and clothes as income! Can you believe it???
Bar: Excuse me Sara, do you trust your husband?
Sara (dismissively): Of course not, don’t be ridiculous…. but we’re still throwing you off this roof for your chutzpanit.
(Two burly women grab Bar)
Bar (speaking quickly): Because I know a way that you can avoid declaring those gifts by putting them in your husband’s name!
Sara: Leave her alone, girls.
(The women let Bar go)
Sara: OK…. I’m listening Mami.
Narrator: And that’s how it all started. Soon she was doing taxes for the wardens. She polished their shoes. I mean, SHE didn’t polish them, but one of her people did. She promised to introduce the guards to Gal Gadot if they just brought in some decent shampoo from SuperPharm.
Sara: Hey Bar, how did you smuggle in all of this bamba and moisturizer?
Bar: I got them from Ehud over in the Men’s Block. Now be a dear and help me smuggle the stuff I got from Duty Free. It’s waiting in the Elevator.
Narrator: It got to be too much, we just couldn’t stand it. So me and the girls blew up a photo of my Bibi in the photocopier room, stuck it to the wall and gave her some nail clippers. Just to get her out of here.
EPILOGUE (spoken by a serious-sounding old dude): In the Spring of 2021, Refaeli escaped from Neve Tirza-shank Prison. She had spent 19 hours tunneling through the wall of her cell, which had all the solid foundations of a Tel Aviv apartment. Within a day, she was tremping it down to the Sinai.
Narrator: I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged. They are meant to live their quai-legal lives in the scorching Middle Eastern sun, surrounded by hash and snorkelers.
Penistone, Sheffield: You chuck our tea overboard in Boston… do you know what that does to a Brit?! No Taxation without Representation… we are all paying now! And then, 3 years later, 1776, you say you want independence and go all Kung Fu on our butts. Is there any wonder we tried to burn down the White House in 1814? We were still sore. We are truly sorry but we would love to have another go…
Anyway, 200 years later, we were all brought together by a love of Oprah and McDonalds, and the “special relationship” endures – despite giving you Downtown Abbey, Gordon Ramsay, James Corden and losing in the Women’s World Cup Semi-Final.
Happy Treason Day and “bless your hearts” from the funniest (“only”) Brit at The Daily Freier.
Tel Aviv: Amid the latest tornado of international events, Israelis were left trying to get their heads around the latest development to hit their war-torn nation: Rain. Ten minutes of torrential rain had Tel Avivians tossing cats out the way to dive into uncollected garbage bins, while Brits wandered around saying: “Oooh. It’s spitting.”
Combined with driving wind, Israel hasn’t heard so many doors slammed and banged since Sara showed Bibi her MasterCard statement.
Bibi called an emergency session of the cabinet, immediately converting the new fast Jerusalem train into a naval warship and generously opening up a number of prisons as shelters. The Knesset and Supreme Court will take 10,000 people.
Locals concerned with the forecast for this afternoon are advised to pack a flashlight, batteries and pita bread and call *N-O-A-H from their smartphones. Regular charges do apply, so just stop by Golan on the way home and give them a bunch of money.
The Sea of Tranquility: The Moon has pleaded for UN intervention after it was slapped with harsh sanctions by Donald Trump for its failure to show over North America.
Visible across most of the world apart from the Western Hemisphere, the longest lunar eclipse did not turn red over Washington…. but Mr. Trump did, tweeting: “There’ll be NO more manned NASA flights, no investment in Crescent Moon Towers and I’m pulling the Ambassador. I’ll give them Star Wars.”
After this Close Encounter of The Trump Kind, the Moon told the UN: “This is blatant discrimination with no sanctions imposed on other orbiting Celestial Bodies.”
But Donald hit back: “I’ve had enough of solar systems taking advantage of America for too long and jobs going to extraterrestrials. It started years ago with Saturn running rings around us. Then we found out that Pluto isn’t even a real planet. Well, enough. I won’t change my (Nep)tune or be made to look like Ur anus. #MAGA!”
Tel Aviv, HaYarkon: There was shock, confusion and blame in the city today when Gaza’s March of Return was diverted through Tel Aviv’s Pride March. LGBT organizers were left bewildered when Hamas militants emerged from the AM:PM on Bograshov dressed in rainbow bandanas, provocatively enjoying lolly ices and flinging their balaclavas in the air like they just don’t care.
Nobody knows exactly how this all happened, although residents in-the-know suspect there is some sort of tunnel on Rothschild. By the time the 200,000-strong parade reached Hayarkon, Islamic Jihad had its own float, waving kites and offering Molotov cocktails to the Bears. Meanwhile, at Charles Clore, drag queens had pinched placards demanding the right to return home. In 40 degree heat, their make up was running.
Miri Regev, Minister for Culture and Sport, profoundly stated: “I have no words, but as long as people are enjoying themselves…. By the way, Have you seen our new pamphlets?”
……Although there were some hurt feelings when parade attendees noted that a lot of the Hamas guys looked better in their GRINDR profile pics.
Tel Aviv: Event organizers were left alarmed and red-faced after a logistical error scheduled the North-South Korea summit to take place in Jerusalem, the royal wedding for Tehran, and next week’s Eurovision Song Contest to be switched to Pyongyang.
The path to North Korean denuclearization will be discussed over rugelach in the Machane Yehuda market. Bibi is currently having the Iranian documents translated and converted into Korean by a Tel Aviv Startup that hired three Olim desperate for a job and some Filipinos who “probably speak the same language or something.”
The Royal Family will arrive in Iran under armed guard on Sunday for the upcoming nuptials of Everyone’s Favourite Ginger with his Hollywood Bride, Fred….. I mean Meghan. The actress from Suits. Street parties and public executions will be accompanied by canapés at 5 PM, while Camilla Parker-Bowles will be sent home strapped to a nuclear warhead later that evening. After honeymooning in Ramallah, the couple are expected to settle in a terraced house in Bognor Regis.
Meanwhile, flights to Portugal for Eurovision 2018 were rerouted to the North Korean capital of Pyongyang after global air traffic control was hacked by first graders in Moscow. All songs considered too liberal, cheesy or colourful are to be censored by State TV with the 15-hour show to instead broadcast ‘Gangnam Style’ on loop, followed by reruns of M*A*S*H.
Donald Trump and Monsieur Macron issued a joint tweet from a fancy hotel room on the Champs Elysees: (#worryingtimes #LoveWins #MelaniaWho?), and then The Donald vowed to reduce world tensions by moving the Embassy to Western Samoa.
(Photo Credit: We took a picture from Wikimedia Commons and pasted the SVU Logo onto it)
By Lee Saunders
Last Updated 2/21/2018 at 8:30 PM
Shushan: For centuries, people have remembered where they were when Haman, one of Judaism’s super villains, was hanged. They have swung their rattles, expressed their rage and stuffed their faces. But for 2,300 years, one question has continued to pester us:
Haman. Did he act alone?….. Or, like he said when he was being led out of the Dallas Shushan Jail: was he just a patsy?
Now, light has been shed on that timeless mystery after the ganze megilla was published by the Israel Museum. We now know not only did the dark and brooding Haman NOT act alone, but he may NOT have demanded Mordechai’s execution at all. After the FBI and Law and Order: Special Victims Unit hacked into the computers of Haman’s 10 sons, they discovered a browser history of Biblical porn and a picture of a sultry Esther parading on a horse. Oh and they also discovered some stuff that’s relevent to the case.
One PDF of a parchment scroll revealed that Haman, real name Hymie Gershowitz, had an insurance business which went under after his star salesman left to set up Mordechai & Sons. With Haman’s sons! After taking over two floors somewhere in Tel Aviv’s Azrieli Towers, Mordechai’s business grew and was listed on the New York Stock Exchange.
“It was the ultimate betrayal. My boys? He can have them. But would a phone call have killed him?” lamented Haman on his Blog. “Maybe a ‘Hey Hymie, I’m expanding, come for a bagel nosh, we’ll talk.’ But no. Bubkes. Zilch. Nada.”
Ramallah: There was renewed hope among Palestinians this week after Mahmoud Abbas bagged $50 million in aid money to buy himself a private jet. While some accused the Palestinian President of selling out his people, Abbas said he deserved it.
“I am in the 14th year of my 4-year term and my legs aren’t what they used to be. I can’t be sat in armed jeeps the whole time, making things up, cursing, and handing out sweets to the kids.” he added.
The UN’s favorite little grandpa went on to say that he intended to use “Abbas Airlines” to transport his friends between Gaza City and Ramallah, once the freiers at the European Union finished building them a luxury airport with a lovely baggage carousel.