Tag: Rockland

In Desperate Attempt to Get a Little Respect at the Shuk, American Oleh Starts Pretending He’s Russian

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(Photo Credit: culinarygypsy.com)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 9/29/2015 at 10:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Shuk Ha Carmel: Recent immigrant Zachary F. is tired of getting hustled at the Shuk every week when he does his shopping. It seems that Zachary may not be necessarily getting the best prices when he shops, and he believes his American-ness is to blame.  “So when I got here this Summer, the cheese guy would smile at me and tell me I was getting the ‘special price for Americans.’ …… I believed that line for at least two months. But in a way I guess he was right.  I WAS getting a special price. Double.”

Zachary is fed up with this experience at the Shuk and he’s looking to make a change. “I’m sick of it.  They treat me like I’m some dentist’s kid from Long Island.  I mean, my dad is an actuary.  And I’m from Rockland…….There’s a difference.”

So Zachary has hatched a plan: pretend he’s Russian while shopping. “Have you seen the bouncers along Allenby Street?  They’re all Russian. And they get respect. And since I took two semesters of Russian at school, I think I can pull it off.”

Zachary’s attempts so far have been decidedly mixed, with some of the vendors at the Shuk providing critique and feedback to the Daily Freier. “Ten points for trying, but maybe he should have left his Birthright tote bag at home.” noted a bemused Motti from the vegetable stand halfway down the hill on the right, before the beer kiosk. Yet Motti is reluctant to call an end to Zachary’s charade. “We let him speak his Russian every week for about ten minutes.  According to Illya the herring guy, his Russian isn’t half bad.  But tomorrow Illya is going to tell Zachary that during last week’s conversation he agreed to marry my sister. That oughta be fun.”

While Zachary’s resilience and resourcefulness to date have been commendable, a sign of just how far he has to go was evident in his last conversation with this reporter: “So your newspaper is called the Daily Freier???  What the heck does that word even MEAN anyway???”

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Guy in Missile Shelter Says He’s Only One Or Two More Alerts Away From Asking Out Girl From Second Floor

stock-footage-man-and-woman-talking-outside-at-night1By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 7/17/2014 at 6:20 PM

Ramat Aviv– Summer TAU student Ethan Schwartz told sources today that he is “like this close” to asking out an attractive coed known simply as “Melissa from Rockland“.  Mr. Schwartz noted, “I saw her during the first alert last Tuesday, and each alert I’ve been able to throw a little light banter.  You know, a joke here and there. ‘Where’d you go to school?’, that kind of thing.  I even showed her the Red Alert App on my Iphone.  Yesterday after the All Clear, I laughed and said ‘See You Soon!’ as I was leaving and she kinda giggled.

Concerning recent peace efforts, Mr. Schwartz expressed reservations; “If this current ceasefire holds through the weekend, my entire timetable is thrown off“.

When contacted by Daily Freier Staff about Mr. Schwartz’s overtures, “Melissa from Rockland” had no idea in fact who he was.