Tel Aviv: The media is thrilled and the gay community is excited – a brand-new gay club will open on Rothschild Boulevard this Thursday. The revolutionary and rebellious concept of the new club is “Be Real”: a club for members of the gay community who are tired of trying to be flawless.
“There is too much pressure on gays in Tel Aviv.” explained Motti, one of the 26 promoters of the club.“ You have to be fit, and tan, and waxed, and eyebrows on fleek. This causes anxiety and protein shake disorders. On the other hand, we want to be unbound and appearance-friendly for everyone”.
We accompanied the “Be Real” team as they went to the beach to take photographs for their website and promotional posters. The photographers Ori and Tzachi looked confused and lost because everyone indeed looked so handsome and fabulous, when all of a sudden they saw two Russian tourists emerging from the water. Ori enthused “They’re 110 Kilos but wearing these tiny little speedos. But they look so real…. or maybe just sunburned and hung over.” Both photographers ran toward the tourists to take some sneak pictures of their modern-day heroes. Tzachi and Ori came back very encouraged, and shared their theories.
Tel Aviv: Israelis in the street are reacting to Turkey’s shoot-down of a Russian jet over Syria with a sense of fear and confusion. But not because they had anything to do with it. Rather, the presence of a military and diplomatic showdown in the neighborhood where nobody mentions Israel is leading to cases of cognitive dissonance and vertigo as the Israeli man and woman on the street tries to wrap their collective heads around this concept. The Daily Freier walked up and down Dizengoff Street this morning interviewing aimless and befuddled Israelis on this critical topic.
“It just doesn’t make sense. This has NOTHING TO DO WITH US!” noted a perplexed Natan R. as he scratched his head. “I know it sounds crazy, but I bought Haaretz this morning hoping that the editorial would say it was actually all our fault.”
“I couldn’t sleep last night” explained a despondent Yonatan G. “I stayed up all night flipping through the foreign satellite channels hoping Al Jazeera or RU TV would have a good angle on why Israel is responsible. But nothing. And the Americans have been no help either. Is it too much to ask that John Kerry insinuates that this was somehow caused by the Occupation???”
“I’m actually optimistic.” noted alert local Ronit S. “I just know I can count on someone from our Ministry of Foreign Affairs to somehow interject themselves into this crisis in a way that antagonizes Turkey, Russia, or…. B’zrat Hashem….both!”
Tel Aviv, Shuk Ha Carmel: Recent immigrant Zachary F. is tired of getting hustled at the Shuk every week when he does his shopping. It seems that Zachary may not be necessarily getting the best prices when he shops, and he believes his American-ness is to blame. “So when I got here this Summer, the cheese guy would smile at me and tell me I was getting the ‘special price for Americans.’ …… I believed that line for at least two months. But in a way I guess he was right. I WAS getting a special price. Double.”
Zachary is fed up with this experience at the Shuk and he’s looking to make a change. “I’m sick of it. They treat me like I’m some dentist’s kid from Long Island. I mean, my dad is an actuary. And I’m from Rockland…….There’s a difference.”
So Zachary has hatched a plan: pretend he’s Russian while shopping. “Have you seen the bouncers along Allenby Street? They’re all Russian. And they get respect. And since I took two semesters of Russian at school, I think I can pull it off.”
Zachary’s attempts so far have been decidedly mixed, with some of the vendors at the Shuk providing critique and feedback to the Daily Freier. “Ten points for trying, but maybe he should have left his Birthright tote bag at home.” noted a bemused Motti from the vegetable stand halfway down the hill on the right, before the beer kiosk. Yet Motti is reluctant to call an end to Zachary’s charade. “We let him speak his Russian every week for about ten minutes. According to Illya the herring guy, his Russian isn’t half bad. But tomorrow Illya is going to tell Zachary that during last week’s conversation he agreed to marry my sister. That oughta be fun.”
While Zachary’s resilience and resourcefulness to date have been commendable, a sign of just how far he has to go was evident in his last conversation with this reporter: “So your newspaper is called the Daily Freier??? What the heck does that word even MEAN anyway???”
Tel Aviv: A wave of relief passed over the city as Tel Aviv learned that a missing tourist, feared kidnapped, is simply somewhere on the third floor, east wing of Tel Aviv’s sprawling Dizengoff Center Mall. American college senior Zachary F. was last seen walking into the mall from the King George Street entrance last Wednesday. When he failed to return to his hotel for two days, alert staff notified the authorities, who in turn reached out to his family in the United States.
A reporter from the Daily Freier’s Crime and Justice section managed to locate Zachary near the candle shop that nobody ever goes into. “I tried to contact my family, but the Wi-Fi here really sucks. I finally managed to send an email to my dad, but he only checks it when he’s at work. I even tried Facebooking my mom, but since I forgot that she only communicates IN ALL CAPS, BY WRITING ON MY FACEBOOK WALL, she never got the message.”
Despite the harsh environment, Zachary has shown remarkable resourcefulness and resilience. “I took two semesters of Russian, so me and the security guards have really hit it off well. One of them gives me half of his sandwich every morning. But when I asked him for help getting out of here, he just kinda smiled, cackled, rubbed his hands together, and talked in riddles. Also, I think I might have a date with the girl from the coffee shop on the second floor, but where am I going to take her? That sketchy tattoo shop by the Dizengoff street pedestrian overpass??”
As the interview ended, Zachary asked the reporter if he could follow us out to the exit, but we’re really in kind of a hurry and just gotta go. Good luck!
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.