In Desperate Attempt to Get a Little Respect at the Shuk, American Oleh Starts Pretending He’s Russian


(Photo Credit:

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 9/29/2015 at 10:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Shuk Ha Carmel: Recent immigrant Zachary F. is tired of getting hustled at the Shuk every week when he does his shopping. It seems that Zachary may not be necessarily getting the best prices when he shops, and he believes his American-ness is to blame.  “So when I got here this Summer, the cheese guy would smile at me and tell me I was getting the ‘special price for Americans.’ …… I believed that line for at least two months. But in a way I guess he was right.  I WAS getting a special price. Double.”

Zachary is fed up with this experience at the Shuk and he’s looking to make a change. “I’m sick of it.  They treat me like I’m some dentist’s kid from Long Island.  I mean, my dad is an actuary.  And I’m from Rockland…….There’s a difference.”

So Zachary has hatched a plan: pretend he’s Russian while shopping. “Have you seen the bouncers along Allenby Street?  They’re all Russian. And they get respect. And since I took two semesters of Russian at school, I think I can pull it off.”

Zachary’s attempts so far have been decidedly mixed, with some of the vendors at the Shuk providing critique and feedback to the Daily Freier. “Ten points for trying, but maybe he should have left his Birthright tote bag at home.” noted a bemused Motti from the vegetable stand halfway down the hill on the right, before the beer kiosk. Yet Motti is reluctant to call an end to Zachary’s charade. “We let him speak his Russian every week for about ten minutes.  According to Illya the herring guy, his Russian isn’t half bad.  But tomorrow Illya is going to tell Zachary that during last week’s conversation he agreed to marry my sister. That oughta be fun.”

While Zachary’s resilience and resourcefulness to date have been commendable, a sign of just how far he has to go was evident in his last conversation with this reporter: “So your newspaper is called the Daily Freier???  What the heck does that word even MEAN anyway???”

9 thoughts on “In Desperate Attempt to Get a Little Respect at the Shuk, American Oleh Starts Pretending He’s Russian”

  1. If Zachary is reading this, he needs to use real Russian in the market. Phrases like:

    “Пососи мою жопу с соломой, блядь” which means “Your prices are too high, my friend,” or “Поставь хуй в рот, сукин сын” which means, “Please give me the local discount.”

    1. Ok, that was entertaining, but I figure a translation is due.

      “Пососи мою жопу с соломой, блядь” – “Suck my ass with a straw, whore”
      “Поставь хуй в рот, сукин сын” – “Put dick in mouth, son of a bitch”

  2. A much better way to get respect in the shuk is to buy your cheese from Stas at “Absolute Gourmet” in the shuk. Tell him you know Rachel who confuses “duvdevan” with “dagdegan” wherever possible. Discounts await you!

Leave a Reply