Tag: Relationships

Dating and Relationships, Tel Aviv Living September 11, 2016September 30, 2016

“Tal, do you love me?” “I’m Sorry, what was the question?”

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 9/11/2016 at 1:00 PM

Tel Aviv: A million years removed from The Shtetl and Fiddler on the Roof, a survey this week underlined the relationship issues facing many Tel Avivians in the modern Internet Age: An inability to sustain relationships and concentrate on one person at a time as the nation faces an increasingly worrying marriage and demographic crisis.

The Government’s survey of 21-45 year-olds showed 83% of all respondents from Ramat Aviv to Bat Yam reported issues of commitment with many asking the lovely non-judgmental question of “Why are you still single?” on the first date. This was widely considered the death knell for a second date at Cofix.

“I thought it was a pretty legitimate question.” noted Adina, 21. “I mean he WAS 24. And he’s been back from India for almost a year now.”

Anat (40, Givatayim, Pisces) has been one-too-many times on the receiving end of the ever-charming “Why haven’t you had kids yet?“. So last week while on a second date with a serious Sephardi named Itzhik (35, Petach Tivkvah, Bored) she just snapped. “So he asked me why I don’t have kids yet… And I told him that I wasn’t allowed to keep the ones I found loitering outside the AM:PM Store. Apparently he didn’t appreciate the joke…. But at least I was polite. When my cousin Gal’s boyfriend asked her about having children, she told him that she quite liked the way her ‘downstairs’ looked and certainly didn’t want a damn extension.”

But it gets worse. When 24-year old Tali (Neve Tzedek, Aries, Broke) begged to know why 29-year old Liran (His Parents’ House in Ramat Gan) was not in a serious relationship, she was not impressed with his reply that while he enjoyed the thrill of the chase, he only just now realized that Pokemon wasn’t real.

The Internet, which has given birth to a raft of dating apps from Tinder to Grindr, is Cupid’s favorite arrow in Tel Aviv. Yet things seem much better in Jerusalem where couples as young as 36 were celebrating their first child’s ~~Wedding~~ Bar Mitzvah. Maybe it is time for the return of the Matchmaker.

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Dating and Relationships, Secret Tel Aviv February 13, 2016February 7, 2019

Secret Tel Aviv Post by Woman Who Found Mystery Boxers in Her Laundry Leads to Long Term Relationship, Restraining Orders

(Photo Credit: Secret Tel Aviv)

~~(EDITOR’S NOTE: Based on a True Story!)~~

(We made it all up. Except for the part where somebody on Secret Tel Aviv posted a pic of some dude’s boxers that she found in her laundry. That’s real. –The Freier Legal Dept.)

By Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 2/13/2016 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv, HaBima: Israel’s modern day Cinderella story has turned from happiness to cautionary urban tale. It all started with a post on popular website Secret Tel Aviv, in which Canadian Olah Lisa K. wrote about the pair of men’s boxers she found mixed in with her clothes upon return from a local laundry service. This post in turn led to a series of replies from concerned locals that almost crashed Secret Tel Aviv’s server. But in the end, it also led to a long-term relationship with local guy Shlomi D, followed by court-ordered restraining orders against one another. The Daily Freier sat down with Shlomi for his take on this unfolding tragedy.

“It started out so cool. I was just surfing Secret Tel Aviv, checking for apartments in the city, and you know, seeing if anybody might be selling their porn collection this week. And then, Bam! I saw her post and immediately responded. And she wrote back! I felt pretty good. I mean, I beat out 37 other Israeli guys who PM’d her within 7 minutes of the post going online. And unlike those idiots, at least I once used the same laundry service….. So we dated for a while. And then, you know how these things go, we each filed restraining orders with the police that forbid us from coming within 200 meters of one another…. I’m still almost positive that she poisoned my houseplants.”

Later that day the Daily Freier spoke with Lisa in a location that complied with all recent court orders. “So yeah, he was my Prince Charming. If Prince Charming was a 29-year-old two-timing sex addict who lived with his parents in Kfar Sabah.” Lisa continued. “The first night we hooked up we were at his parents’ house. But he had to work the next morning. So his Aunt and Uncle were driving into the city and drove me home. Some people have a walk of shame. I had a Car Pool of shame.”

Lisa then explained how happy her friends were for her at first. “After we started dating, one of my girlfriends thought that, hey, if it worked for me, it could work for her. So she also posted on Secret Tel Aviv with pictures of guy’s undergarments in her laundry. So some guy from London started corresponding back and forth with her. He seemed really nice. And, yada yada yada, the police in Finchley gave him an ASBO.”

Lisa explained the moment she realized that things were going wrong. “He kept leaving the room to check his phone. And them I found out he was also trolling Secret Jerusalem responding to a woman’s post that the Tallit Katan she found in her dry cleaning were actually his. What the hell? But I’m not finished….. So we went to his cousins’ kibbutz up north for a week. And he keeps “running into his ex”. Everyone knows each other there. Like, it’s not that big. And he thought he could hook up with two girls at the same time on a tiny kibbutz and keep it discreet? He can’t even keep track of the location of his underwear!”

In order to ensure that all sides had their say, the Daily Freier allowed Shlomi to respond to these allegations. “Sure the whole thing was definitely a Cinderella moment. If Cinderella had control issues and hated your friends…..And now she’s demanding full custody of our pet ferret Chris.”

Fallout from the post continues to be felt across the State of Israel. Upon reading the original post, experts from the Technion concluded that this in fact brought Secret Tel Aviv one step closer to becoming a self-aware entity capable of generating its own absurd posts independent of human input. Additionally, the Daily Freier was embarrassed to admit that by failing to anticipate this scenario, it is now forced to update its Random Secret Tel Aviv Post Generator.

According to well-placed sources within Lisa’s circle of friends, the restraining orders have not prevented at least two incidents of “sex with the ex” since January.

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Dating and Relationships October 14, 2015February 13, 2016

“Let Me Walk You Home, It’s Dangerous” Nominated City’s New Cheesy Pickup Line by Tel Aviv Municipal Council of Guys

(Photo Credit: Vandelay Industries)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 10/14//2015 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim: In a hastily called emergency session, the Tel Aviv Municipal Council of Guys opted to respond to the current security situation by naming “Let me Walk You Home, It’s Dangerous” as the city’s top cheesy pickup line. Spokesperson Tal H. explained the change at a press conference following the meeting. “In peacetime, it’s perfectly alright to say ‘Come up for a cup of coffee‘ or ‘I know the best hummus place‘, but these are difficult times.” In addition, Tal urged members of the Council to utilize the following banter while running game: “You can feel the tension in the air. Maybe it’s time we go home”, or “Let’s stay in tonight. It’s dangerous“. Tal conceded that “I was in the IDF” is still an acceptable line, but only on or around Birthright tours.

The new campaign, while promising, has seen decidedly mixed results, with a posting by one “Tal H.” to the popular forum Secret Tel Aviv asking the following question: “What is the easiest way to get pepper spray out of your chest hair? Asking for a friend.”

Dating and Relationships August 22, 2015April 26, 2018

Taking a Stand Against Racism, Tel Aviv Man Vows To Also Hit On Foreign Women

[Editors Note: When the real-life individual who was the inspiration for this story learned that we wrote this article, he was upset…….that we DIDN’T use his real name! So here it is again, with his real first name! #becauseisrael]

By Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/6/2015 at 1:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Shuk HaCarmel: Local guy “Tzion” is taking a stand. Taking a stand against racism, xenophobia, and discrimination…..by vowing to hit on women he meets in Tel Aviv regardless of race or background or national origin or even whether or not they seem interested at first. “What can I say?”, noted a shy and modest Tzion as he sized up a group of what appeared to be attractive Italian backpackers. “For me to limit my attention to just one group of women just seems…..bigoted and exclusionary.”

Tzion’s one-man ambassadorship of goodwill has not gone unnoticed. Mexican tourist Yanet V. talked to the daily Freier about her recent encounter with Tzion. “Me and my girlfriends were sitting in this amazing bar off of Allenby which was playing the best music: Johnny Cash, Dionne Warwick, even old Springsteen. So Tzion came over and took the time to patiently explain the meaning of the songs to me. He said that “Ring of Fire” was really actually about sex……Come to think of it, he said that all of the songs were about sex.”

Scandinavian graduate student Caty V. also discussed Tzion’s selflessness. “When I told him I wanted to try scuba diving, it was amazing that he was willing to tell me he had his instructor’s license and that we should go to Eilat for the weekend and do some dives. And also that his cousin was out of the country and we could stay at his place. I mean, I’m not Israeli and he doesn’t even know me that well so for him to volunteer his time like this was just incredible. Plus, Tzion seems kinda religious so I know the fact that his cousin’s studio only has a fold-out futon must make him a bit uncomfortable.”

When the daily Frier called Tzion a mensch and a tzadik, he again turned shy and reserved. “I’m doing my best, but I’m just one man. We can make this world a better place. I mean, imagine if more men in Tel Aviv shared my outlook.”

Birthright, The IDF August 10, 2015December 22, 2018

Soldier assigned to Birthright Tour kinda uncomfortable with all the American Girls flirting with Him

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/10/2015 at 11:40 AM

Mitzpe Ramon, The Negev: IDF soldier Yair G. is currently not feeling completely Okay about all the attention he is receiving from the women on the Birthright Israel trip that he is escorting. “I’m just not really feeling like I’m in a safe space.” noted a visibly distraught Yair. “I feel like they aren’t interested in me as a living breathing person with real hopes and fears, but rather with an artificial avatar of myself based on my current mode of existence as a young adult fulfilling his mandated national conscription duty.”

Yair went on to explain that he has resorted to lying about his service in an effort to make it seem less glamorous. “I mean, I serve in Golani, but I told ‘Alyssa from Miami’ that I was assigned to the personnel office making copies. Still didn’t change anything.” As another tour group attendee, known only as “Jess from L.A.” approached Yair, he quickly broke away, saying only “That’s it, I’m telling “Breaking the Silence”.

As the article went to print, approximately 47 members of Yair’s battalion volunteered to take his place, with 10 of them volunteering to extend their military commitment if necessary.

Dating and Relationships, Pride Week July 29, 2015August 9, 2016

Popular Tel Aviv Bartender Rumored to be Straight

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 7/29/2015 at 1:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: Gossip is circulating in Central Tel Aviv of a potentially scandalous development, that the new bartender at that cool place off of Ibn Gavriol Boulevard is, in fact, heterosexual. Well-regarded bartender David S. has found himself subjected to a whispering campaign by his customers and co-workers. The Daily Freier Cultural Affairs reporter was on the scene hearing the word on the street.

“I just feel that there’s been a lack of honesty,” noted concerned patron Avi T. “I always thought that we had a good rapport. I even planned to introduce him to my Cousin Brian when he visits in late August. But last night after I got up to go to the bathroom, I’m pretty sure he started macking on my girlfriend.”

Co-worker Devorah C. was also looking for answers. “I’ve known David for almost a year and he’s just the best. But I don’t know what to think. Ever since I made Aliyah, my gaydar is way off. It’s like the Mossad is jamming it or something. I mean just last week at the Namal Boardwalk I was hassled for 10 minutes by a sleazy guy wearing capri pants. Capri……pants.”

As the Daily Freier departed , a German tourist with a goatee informed us that if David is in fact straight, he wasn’t last night.

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Dating and Relationships, Facial Hair July 26, 2015September 2, 2019

Rothschild Area Woman Gives Boyfriend 2 Weeks to Grow a Decent Beard or the Relationship is Over

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By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 7/25/2015 at 11:20 AM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Local web designer Tamar B. has given her boyfriend Natan an ultimatum: either grow a decent beard within 2 weeks or they are breaking up. Tamar opened up to the Daily Freier’s Lifestyles and Leisure reporter: “When I first met Natan, I really thought he had potential. It was summer and he had some stubble that looked really good with his tan. Then time went by and I started dropping subtle hints about a beard, but he just didn’t get it. I mean HELLO, not only do I live in Tel Aviv, but I live on Rothschild. Should I have made this a bit more obvious and just moved to Florentin???” Tamar went on to note just how embarrassing it was that all of her girlfriends knew she was dating a beard-deficient man. “I can’t take this. Everyone’s starting to talk. Like, Naomi’s boyfriend has the full Tel Aviv hipster beard. She’s basically dating Theodor Herzl. And me? I’m stuck with Mister ‘I can’t help it, it’s genetics’.”

Daily Freier caught up with Natan for his take on this troubling development. “I really don’t know what to do” shared a visibly shaken Natan. “I’ve tried everything. I asked the Yeshiva Bochers at the booth outside Shuk HaCarmel, I mean they’re only like 19 with beards twice as thick as mine, but they just told me to lay Tefillin and the problem would solve itself……It didn’t.” Natan went on to explain the potentially dangerous procedures he was subjecting himself to; “My Vad Bayit, Shlomo might be the hairiest man who can still be classified as human. He told me to apply a mixture of hummus and motor oil to my face before bed each night…….nothing. But now I smell like a snack bar in a Be’er Sheva gas station.”

As the story went to press, there were unconfirmed sighting of Natan outside of the Jaffa Scientology Headquarters, gesturing to his face and talking to a sympathetic woman wearing khaki pants, a denim shirt and carrying a clipboard.

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Secret Tel Aviv May 19, 2015November 4, 2021

Secret Tel Aviv now self-aware, creates Absurd Posts & Responses without Human Input

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/19/2015 at 9:30 PM

Haifa: In the aftermath of last week’s cyber-attack, a team at Haifa’s prestigious Technion Institute have revealed today that the ‘Secret Tel Aviv’ Facebook Page is now a fully sentient and self-aware entity that is capable of generating its own absurd traffic, and then answering that traffic with even more ridiculous responses. Doctoral candidates Gideon B. and Alex G. walked the Daily Freier through this chilling development.

“What we are facing is what is known as a Chutzpadik Black Hole” explained Gideon as we toured their state of the art simulation of the Secret Tel Aviv entity at the Technion. “Basically, as the environment of the website becomes more and more ridiculous, it actually slows down. What I am saying is that as the website approaches maximum absurdity, it actually seems more normal to those who interact with it. It is in this environment, that it seems perfectly normal to ask strangers to help you with your bikini purchase when at least half of the site demographics consists of, you know, MEN FROM TEL AVIV.”

“Secret Tel Aviv is now fully capable of operating as a self-aware being on the entire spectrum: crowd-sourced advice on difficult relationships, what to do with a tarantula that you found under your rug, semi-legal requests for advice on how to avoid Israeli customs fees, you name it.” stated Alex as we toured the room-sized simulation of Secret Tel Aviv.

The Israeli Government has expressed serious concern about this frightening turn of events, but Gideon urged caution. “I told the Shin Bet guys who stopped by today that you do NOT want to try to shut down the site against its will.“

When the Daily Freier asked Alex if there was one specific event that spurred Secret Tel Aviv to enter a higher plane of existence, Alex noted “I have to stress that we are still awaiting the results of peer review, but if I had to guess, I would venture that it was when the guy asked for help finding a rave dance party that offered babysitting.”

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Dating and Relationships, Hamas July 17, 2014July 13, 2017

Guy in Missile Shelter Says He’s Only One Or Two More Alerts Away From Asking Out Girl From Second Floor

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 7/17/2014 at 6:20 PM

Ramat Aviv– Summer TAU student Ethan Schwartz told sources today that he is “like this close” to asking out an attractive coed known simply as “Melissa from Rockland“. Mr. Schwartz noted, “I saw her during the first alert last Tuesday, and each alert I’ve been able to throw a little light banter. You know, a joke here and there. ‘Where’d you go to school?’, that kind of thing. I even showed her the Red Alert App on my Iphone. Yesterday after the All Clear, I laughed and said ‘See You Soon!’ as I was leaving and she kinda giggled.”

Concerning recent peace efforts, Mr. Schwartz expressed reservations; “If this current ceasefire holds through the weekend, my entire timetable is thrown off“.

When contacted by Daily Freier Staff about Mr. Schwartz’s overtures, “Melissa from Rockland” had no idea in fact who he was.

Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.