By Emily Goldstein & Mark Levy
Last Updated 12/22/2018 at 12:50 PM
Tel Aviv, Dizengoff Center: Hot Mobile announced that as of yesterday afternoon, it has screwed more recent immigrants to Israel than that really cute soldier on your Birthright bus who could also play guitar. The Daily Freier attended an emotional Press Conference at one of Hot’s kiosks in Dizengoff Center.
“This just means a lot to all of us.” announced Hot’s spokesperson Dorit H. “But now we have screwed more Olim than Danny, the soldier assigned to your Taglit group who wrote 5 poems to 6 girls, and showed 3 other girls the star constellations, ‘because the Negev sky is so clear at night’. We were going to announce it on our Website, but to be honest, we haven’t really updated it in a while, so why start now?”
Dorit wiped a tear from her eyes and continued. “The competition has been strong. Pelephone and Cellcom? Their contracts are also slightly harder to understand than Gemara, but slightly easier to escape from than an Iranian jail. But in the end, it was our blend of gaslighting, bait and switch, and just hanging up on customers that won out.”
The Daily Freier then asked Dorit if this amazing story had yet been picked up by any of the Big Names in Israeli Media “Of Course!” she replied. “Just last week the Jerusalem Post published a personal account of one Olah’s quest to try to get a refund for services she did not ask for but we charged her for anyway. You should read the whole thing! It’s like a mix of the boat trip in ‘Heart of Darkness’ and that Horror Movie ‘The Ring’. Except in this movie, nobody calls you back.”
When the Daily Freier challenged Dorit on some of the details of Hot’s Announcement, she told us to publicly Tweet our phone number to Hot’s Twitter account for a follow-up. Then she blocked us.
By Yekutiel Bornstein & Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 12/12/2018 at 12:15 PM
Tzfat: OMG OMG OMG you have GOT to tell us about your visit to Tzfat! I know you’re probably shy about this, because so far you’ve only discussed it with your Mom, your class Whatsapp Group, the guy at the Post Office, and your friend at the gym. But try to tell the story just one more time!
So did you walk down a hidden passageway and meet a cute girl or guy playing guitar on a bench? That’s so Crazy, right? OK, can I see your photos? Were you able to get a picture of the Na Nach Nachman guys dancing around their van? Only in Israel! How about some cool graffiti! Or, and this is a long-shot, but did you get any pictures of cats in a cobblestone alley? You know what? I bet you could totally live there year-round! You should try it!
Wait, did you attend a Kaballah lecture, and then later that night have an experience that you can’t quite explain? Quick question: were you baked at the time?
This is going to be even better than your Midburn stories!
(left to right: Rachel, Sarah-Rachel, Rachel)
By Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 6/22/2018 at 3:50 PM
Jerusalem: Israeli non-profit Nefesh B’Nefesh is speaking out today to denounce published reports that every woman who made Aliyah in 2017 was named Rachel or Sarah. Or Sara. Or Rakhel. Or Rochel. Or Racheli…. Anyhoo, they are not happy about that rumor and are now setting the record straight.
“This is just ridiculous.” admonished Sarah B., a Nefesh B’Nefesh spokesperson from the Jerusalem office. “You really shouldn’t believe everything you hear. It’s like you’re totally ignoring the Leahs. And the Devorahs. And the Devorah Leahs.”
In order to get all sides of the story, the Daily Freier reached out to members of the local community to get their take on this important story.
“That just doesn’t even make any sense.” mused Rachel S. as she walked her dogs on Bograshov Street. “Like how do people come up with this stuff?”
“Fake News!” wrote Sara L. on her popular Aliyah Blog “Sara’s Adventures in the Shuk!”
“OMG where did you hear something so silly?” asked Rachel E. from the Jewish Agency’s Public Affairs Department.
“First I’ve heard of this.” stated Rakhel W., the Officer in Charge of the IDF’s Olah hadasha code talker unit.
“This is the sort of propaganda that I would expect to hear in the age of Trump and Bibi.” complained local author Sarah Tuttle-Singer. “Also, you forgot to add Jessica.”
In other news, Nefesh B’Nefesh today also denied allegations that their next citizenship ceremony will be held at “a nice sushi place with a hecshcher.”
By Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 3/7/2018 at 2:00 PM
Tel Aviv, The Old North: Oh Hi! Haven’t seen you since the big Purim Party in Kikar HaMedina last Friday! Wasn’t that great? And your costume? All 5 Village People? A-MA-ZING!
And…..Wow….. you’re still in costume it seems. What is it Wednesday now? That makes a week I guess. Which raises a few questions we’ve been pondering.
- Do you wear it to bed?
- Has anything been through the wash yet?
- Just when were you planning on coming back from the Land of Make Believe to life here on Planet Real World?
Because we’ve all started to “Move On”. Even your niece, who had a tantrum and insisted on staying a princess when she went to Gan on Sunday…. she has already calmed down and transitioned back to good old reality.
So now it’s just you. Do you have a TimeTable? Maybe we can do this in steps. Like maybe you can take off the cowboy hat today. And the beads tomorrow. And on Friday you can wear a real shirt. How does that sound?
Of course, it’s Tel Aviv. So you can probably stretch this out to the week before Passover.
(Photo Credit: The Cornelia Foundation)
By Chava Ewa and Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 12/21/2017 at 1:00 PM
Tel Aviv: It’s the question that so many men are asking today: “Is she Shomer Negiya or does she just not want to touch me?” Avi G., an office worker from Givatayim is unwilling to admit that Roni, his new co-worker is simply ‘not into him’. At all. “She must be some sort of religious fanatic who won’t touch men.” lamented Avi. “I mean, why else would she refuse to give me a hug?”
The Daily Freier sat down with Roni at Cafe Aroma for a nice girl chat, and she admitted that although she isn’t actually religious, a bit of Yiddishkeit is actually a good reason to avoid awkward social interactions with creepy male co-workers. “Avi is loud and tells bad jokes and his cologne smells like the inside of Tel Aviv’s central bus station.” she said “He kept inviting me for coffee, but he stopped since I told him that all the coffee shops around here have a bad hecscher. He tries to hug me, so I told him that shomer negiyah is very important to me.” Roni, who now goes by her new Hebrew name “Neshama Emunah Temima“, admits that pretending to be religious has lots of other perks. “I told my boss that I needed the day off for the fast of Asara b’Teves and he agreed…. I don’t think he even knows what the fast of Asara b’Teves is, but you know, it sounds plausible and hey… it’s a day off!”
In addition to the workplace, Roni’s status as a sort-of–baalat teshuva has proven invaluable in other spheres of life as well. “My roommate just got back from India and thinks that she’s a curry expert now… So pretending to keep Kosher is the nicest way to avoid eating her garbage kitchen experiments.” she explained.
Yet this new life did not come easy. “I took the bus to Jerusalem so I could to meet up with my frum American cousin Esty who is spending the year doing Sem. And I just followed her around for the day so I could copy what she wears and a few key phrases. Now I just pepper my conversation with phrases like Shidduchim, Refuah shelaima…. and a bunch of other things she showed me on A Sem Girl Says!”
Epilogue: Roni‘s co-workers have been very supportive of her new religious identity, although Fabricio, a former model and recent Oleh from Spain “with the really cute accent” was disappointed. “She seemed like a fun girl and I wanted to ask her out to the new bracelet bar. But you know…. I think she’s too religious. So instead I went with Maygal the Frecha office temp from Ashdod.“
*SPOILER ALERT: Everything in this Story is True.
SCENE: A pub somewhere in Central Tel Aviv. The Daily Freier staff are day-drinking.
Yuval Weiss, Editor: I’m bored. Let’s make something up. Fake News. You know what would be a great story? A German dancer moves to Tel Aviv.
Mia Deych: OK, but with his Israeli husband.
Aaron Pomerantz: And he has a dog!
Mark Levy: Her name is Sissi! But she hates most other dogs!
Yekutiel Bornstein: Yeah! But Sissi really has a heart of gold! I mean, she is only angry because of her hard-luck upbringing in an American puppy mill. Also, she used to live in Austria.
Lee Saunders: But she is also legally blind. Like, she once attacked a plastic bag that she mistook for another dog.
Chava Ewa: Maybe her owner thinks that Sissi is actually trapped in the wrong body and is really a chain-smoking, whiskey drinking bar brawler. Oh yeah, and he wants to write a book about it.
Mia: But one day she meets the dog of her dreams in Florentin. His name is Haim. And he lives near Levinsky Street.
Emily Goldstein: Yes! But then her owner goes on Secret Tel Aviv to try to find the missed connection!
Yuval: Guys, let’s be serious. People don’t just log onto Secret Tel Aviv in order to arrange romantic hookups for their pets. Wait…. never mind. I guess they do. So where were we?
Aaron: So in order to make this happen, Sissi’s owner supplies the Daily Freier with Glamour Pics! Like for Tinder. Only for Dogs!
Mark: (Scribbling in a notebook) OMG. Tinder for dogs! That is an Amazing idea for a Start-Up!
(Gets up to leave.) I gotta go Beta-Test this.
Yuval: OK Good. I think we have a story. Let’s get chasers.
By Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 11/26/2017 at 8:50 PM
Tel Aviv, Bograshov: A Tel Aviv woman had her very own “Start-Up Nation” moment today, and the whole city is talking about it. Ukrainian Olah Natasha G. was throwing away old clothes when she accidentally opened one of Tel Aviv’s trendy “pop-up stores”, which are stores that, like, pop up in Tel Aviv from time to time. Natasha explains.
“I used to try to sell my stuff at the thrift store near Sheinkin, but I just got tired of the clerks judging me whenever they looked over my clothes…… So anyway, I was putting a handful of clothes on the bench near my house, and this woman just snatched a sweater out of my hand. I was about to scream at her. And then she handed me 20 Shekels. So it was OK…..Welcome to Tel Aviv.”
But the story gets weirder. Natasha explains what happens next when two women spied some tank tops and leggings in her bag of discarded clothes. “They said that they really liked the pieces but that first they needed to try them on. And then they both just opened the door to my building and walked right into my Vaad Bayit’s apartment to change. They didn’t even knock. I thought he would yell at me. But for some reason he seemed totally OK with it. He even poured himself a drink.”
As we were speaking to Natasha, Alert local Ronit S. interjected to ask what time the store closed because she was on her way to a job interview with a Start-Up near Neve Tzedek, but wanted to stop by when she was finished. She was wearing tan linen business slacks, a cropped vest, and a sports bra.
Finally, 180 Shekels richer, Natasha decided to call it a day and close her shop. “I think I’ll take a walk up to the Old North. The stuff people put on park benches up there are nicer than the clothes I actually own.”