By Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 7/21/2017 at 5:30 PM
Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: Recently a group of Tel Aviv women made a dramatic discovery: the city’s various bus routes bore far more than a passing resemblance to their experiences with Tel Aviv men…. past, present, and future. Some are fast. Some are slow. Some are reliable. Some will take you places you’ve never been. Some never show up. The Daily Freier stopped in for a nice girl chat and some serious dishing over drinks.
Aurelia started off. “Some buses are amazing but fickle.” she explained. “The Number 13? Promises to take you from Allenby to Tel Aviv University in less than twenty minutes? Yeah, he’s the best…. when he shows up. He’s the hot guy you really like who one day totally up and left for Europe without telling you. But he’s totally passionate and you really did feel a connection. So, yeah. If you catch him while he’s in town he’s totally down for a booty call.”
But not all the buses are that exciting or frustrating. Rachel explained “So then there’s the 25 Route. Reliable. Takes it slow… On time…. Lame. He’s the Beta that you friend-zoned. I mean I guess you could take him home. But he’s boring a-f.”
Of course some buses are reliable AND exciting. Aurelia broke it down for us. “The 289? Adventurous. It goes north AND south. He goes EVERYWHERE. I mean the 289 is just an all around catch… like you’ll probably go traveling together and shit.”
Rachel thought for a moment. “Remember that guy you kinda liked but not liked-liked? He’s the 125. You know, the one you didn’t mean to go so far with, but ended up all the way down…. South.” Rachel quickly clarified her statement. “I meant like Yafo.”
Then there are the…. unorthodox routes. Arielle explained. “The 66? He’s the guy everyone’s been with. Kinda skanky. Lives with his parents in Ramat Gan. Not bad….but not good either. ”
When asked if Sheruts factor into the equation, Arielle was quick to note the 4א Route. “Remember him? You met him like ONCE at a party two years ago. Seemed cool. Then he ghosted you. Never. Saw him. Again.”
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 7/2/2017 at 2:15 PM
Tel Aviv, Gordon Beach: Ouch that really stings! OMG this really really hurts! Jellyfish I hate you! I really really hate you! But wait, there’s a guy waving at you from the shore and it looks like he wants to help you. Only in Israel!
So he’s looking at the sting on your arm. This really really hurts! But he said he can make the pain away. By peeing on the sting. Wait what? And what is it about this City and Pee?
But you’ve heard about this before. I mean, it sounds familiar. Just happy that he was able to respond so quickly to help you. Like, really really quickly. But what’s with the binoculars around his neck? Almost like he was scanning the beach. And why does he need TWO water bottles? I mean, we all need to stay hydrated. But he seems, like, really really hydrated.
So he’s telling you that he needs to pee on the wound. Right. Now….. But wait. The lifeguard is coming over to you. And this Good Samaritan Dude is not happy about this at all. So the lifeguard just sprayed some vinegar on your arm. Wow that feels really good! But Mister Pee just stormed off in a huff.
Wait. Now he’s scanning the ocean with his binoculars. OMG somebody in the water just screamed that they got stung. And now he’s running into the surf and waving at her.
Welcome to Israel.
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 6/4/2017 at 5:15 PM
Tel Aviv, HaMelech George: OMG did you see that guy? I mean even though he isn’t wearing much clothes, what he IS wearing actually matches and wasn’t found on a Tel Aviv park bench. And he’s in A-MA-ZING shape too! Then again, so are a lot of guys here.
But wait, you’ve sat next to him now for 15 minutes and he’s being so NICE to you. And not a “let me buy you chasers and try to bang you” nice but actually, like, NICE. Come to think of it, it’s been almost a half hour now and he hasn’t even made a move on you. What a breath of fresh air! Normally, a Tel Aviv guy would have already tried to go up your shirt and/or invite you to his cousin’s wedding in Holon next week.
Wait, they’re playing great music now and he wants to dance! OMG pinch me! Not really a Cher fan, but this song is pretty good! And this guy has some amazing moves. Really feeling the vibe between you two right now. OMG do you think he’s going to try to kiss me on the dance floor? I mean, like, as soon as he finishes dancing by himself in the corner.
OK so he didn’t try anything on the dance floor. But that’s totally cool. Again, it’s nice to be with a guy who takes it slow. Wait, his friends from out-of-town just showed up at the bar. And they are all really cute! And not afraid to take risks with fashion! I mean, I don’t think his Canadian friend Steve is even wearing pants. Also, it seems these guys have been friends for a long time. Because they are acting really…. close. But that’s great. Just feeling really relaxed and safe with these guys.
So now the club’s lights are on and everyone is going home. Wonder when he’s going to pull a move on me. Wait, where is he? And where is his friend Danny? I just saw them, where did they go? Maybe he forgot his hat. OK, I will just wait for him outside.
So it’s been three hours now. What the hell?
(Photo Credit: Lee Saunders)
By Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 4/19/2017 at 3:30 PM
Tel Aviv, Geula: After the success of “Hotdudesandhummus“, the various “Hot Israeli Army girls“, and “Hot Israeli guys” pages, Israel and the entire Jewish World are going crazy for the newest Instagram phenomenon: “Hot Israelis cutting you in Line“. The Daily Freier walked the streets to find out just what the buzz is all about.
As we walked past Geula Street, we immediately saw an opportunity to submit a photo of our own, as a rather dapper guy (named “Guy”) was busy sidling himself toward the front of a long line “because I just have a question“. And the reaction to Guy’s chutzpadik ranged the spectrum. At the back of the line, Neve Tzedek artist Dalit was not happy at all. “Who does this man think he is? He is acting like he owns the place……It’s as if he thinks that having amazing facial hair gives some sort of privilege.”
On the other hand, alert local Ronit S., whom Guy eased past in line on totally false pretenses, was rather smitten. “The way he just walked parallel to the line pretending to talk to the stranger in front of me before easing in the line between us. This guy is an expert line-cutter.” Ronit noted as she twirled her hair and looked at the line’s latest intruder. “Also he seems kind of familiar. I think we might have umm…. nifgashnu… in the Army.”
With the success of “Hot Israelis cutting you in Line“, the developers plan to roll out several other pages for the Summer season, including “Hot Israelis hitting you in the head with a speeding matkot ball“, “Hot Israelis parking their cars on your sidewalk“, and “Hot Israelis almost knocking you over with their electric bicycles“.
(Photo Credit: Wikipedia)
By Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 4/16/2017 at 9:30 AM
Tel Aviv, The Old North: Passover is entering its final 48 hour stretch and Jews as a collective are losing. Their damn. Mind. You forgot what beer tastes like, but somehow you remember it being really nice. No pizza (if you mention matzoh pizza I will hit you. Seriously.) The desserts taste like cardboard sprinkled with Splenda and then put in the oven for an hour or two. (Don’t worry about the exact time. You can’t make it worse.) And there are matzoh crumbs all over your apartment. This sucks.
So this is a perfect time for your college roommate to call and ask how you are enjoying Passover and all of the A-MA-ZING recipes. Remember when you took her to Hillel for matzoh ball soup? And what about matzoh peanut butter and jelly? And OMG did you see the “matzoh gingerbread houses” on Pinterest?
Go to hell.
This is not a game. You’re literally dying over here. And she wants to ask you for your favorite matzoh brei recipe.
How about “fry up matzoh. Add syrup. Wait to cool. Place in trash. Repeat.”
Maybe if you don’t have to eat it for a week straight then matzoh can be a cool ethnic cracker. Or some sort of exotic gluten-free thing. Whatever. It’s basically burnt sawdust. And Monday night you’re just going to stay home, sit on the couch and eat an entire load of bread. By yourself. No cheese. No hummus. No butter. Just bread.
Now she’s calling your mom to ask if she can stop by on Tuesday to get all of their leftover matzoh.
Your mom just said she can take it all right now.
By Mia Deych and Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 4/8/2017 at 6:00 PM
Tel Aviv, Sderot Ben Gurion: Citizens of Tel Aviv who decided to saunter on Sderot Ben Gurion on a recent sunny afternoon encountered multiple handmade posters explaining directions to a very specific spot. As for the women of Tel Aviv, the meaning of the poster was quite obvious and their reactions varied from laughing to blushing. But for most Tel Aviv men it still remains a mystery.
The Daily Freier couldn’t miss an opportunity to speak with the city’s baffled male citizens. First, we approached Tal, a married father of two, who was pushing his twins in a stroller. “I’m not sure what this poster means. Is that a new campaign for Waze? They keep coming out with new updates!”
Nadav, who was hauling a few bags of beer from the AM:PM store, stopped and joined our conversation. “I’m not quite sure what it is either but I think it’s…well, you know…emmm…a map of Shuk HaCarmel”. Nadav put his bags on the ground and removed the poster from the street sign in order to add it to his, as he said, “collection of funny stuff”.
Recent Tel Avivi Guy corroborated Nadav’s concerns. “This is so familiar! Yet it’s still a mystery! I know! Let’s post it to Secret Tel Aviv and let the entire city crowdsource the answer!” (SPOILER ALERT: THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED)
As we walked down Ben Gurion, we caught alert local Ronit S. in the act of putting up one of the posters on the corner of Ben Yehuda. “Okay Okay, now you know. I can’t keep the secret any longer. I drew the poster. My ex lives on Ben Gurion and that was my message for him….and also my three previous ex boyfriends.”
(This photo was not taken in Israel)
By Emily Goldstein and Mark Levy
Last Updated 3/4/2017 at 9:30 PM
Dizengoff Center: The popular dating App “Tinder” just announced a shocking revelation about its Israeli market: that fully 90% of all fantasies of users in Greater Tel Aviv involve Tel Aviv actually getting a real Apple Store. Not a knockoff. Not a place that “sends your computer to a lab”. A real Apple Store. Like with a Genius Bar. The Daily Freier went ahead and read some of the hotter testimonials.
A guy named Rami K., who just got busted at Ben Gurion trying to bring the new iPhone back from the States, went into some pretty graphic details. “So in my dream I meet these really hot twins at the beach. And they’re here on a MASA program. And they believe all of my lines about being a combat soldier and owning a Startup… And then they invite me back to their apartment. To ‘watch a movie’. But when I walk in, it’s actually an Apple Store….. and then they…. I’m sorry but this is just too freaky….They fix my MacBook Pro in less than 4 weeks and for less than the cost of buying a new one.”
Then there was Shlomi, who recently switched from trolling Secret Tel Aviv to Tinder. “So in my dream, I get transported to a place that calls itself ‘Startup Nation’. And in this dream, people don’t fly to America to buy a MacBook Air because….. I mean this is kind of weird right?….. the cost of the MacBook Air in Startup Nation is less than the combined cost of the MacBook Air in New York plus a flight ticket….is there like something wrong with me or something?”
The Daily Freier even found out that one of the people sharing their deepest secrets was our very own Guest Writer Mia Deych. “So I keep having this incredibly vivid dream where I meet this guy. And he takes me on an actual date. Like he pays for it and everything. In Tel Aviv. Weird, right? And after dinner we go for a walk and somehow end up in Dizengoff Center Mall. And instead of that ridiculous ‘I-Store’ there was a real no-kidding Apple Store. With helpful and knowledgeable employees. And big giant windows. And they had the latest Apple TV. Oh, and at the end of the dream we were able to find our way out of Dizengoff Center.”
Welcome to Israel.