Last Updated 12/17/2018 at 3:00 PM
New York: A Manhattan judge handed down a stern ruling today, ordering that one Hen Mazzig pay restitution to the The Forward after living in their collective heads since September without paying rent or utilities. Since The Forward’s bombshell article in October alleging that Hen might be gay was a paid agent of the Mossad or something, it has become increasingly obvious that Mr. Mazzig had renovated a nice loft with skylights, hardwood floors, and granite countertops somewhere in the collective cerebral cortex of the Forward’s writing staff.
“Clearly the defendant has occupied prime real estate in each of the plaintiffs’ minds.” stated the Judge’s ruling. “After Aidan Pink’s article asserting that Mr. Mazzig was a paid agent of the Israeli Government because, umm, he once served in the Israeli Army, like, umm, almost every other Jewish, Circassian, and Druze Israeli man, the Court had no choice but to award the plaintiff’s claim in full.”
As the Judge’s ruling was read in the packed courtroom, The Forward’s editorial staff and writers erupted in cheers. “This is truly a vindication.” explained reporter Josh Nathan-Kazis. Now I know that I didn’t accuse Hen of ‘literally calling me a Nazi’ in vain, even though he didn’t actually, like, call me a Nazi. Now I can get back to my important work of digging up dirt on Jewish charities that aren’t as Woke as I am. But to be honest, I really didn’t appreciate it when the Judge held me in Contempt of Court for not actually knowing what the word ‘literally’ means. It made me really angry… Literally!”
Reaction outside the court was chaotic, with partisans on both sides making impassioned speeches. Noted Progressive Jewish pundit Peter Beinart addressed the crowd. “As a Jew I feel this ruling is very important. And as a Jew I truly believe that this gets to the heart of the crisis of modern Zionism. Also as a Jew I feel that my continued use of the phrase “As a Jew I” at the beginning of Every. Single. Sentence strikes a blow for solidarity with the Marginalized and Oppressed. Also, As a Jew I feel that I can probably file a class action lawsuit against every Israeli who has disappointed me this year and maybe recoup some rent and utilities like the Forward did.”
As Mr. Mazzig left the courthouse, the Daily Freier asked him at which point he knew that he had lost the case. “I don’t know.” he sighed. “Their legal team just ran circles around me. But if I had to point to one thing that told me they were going to win, I guess it was when their Attorney submitted a Friend-of-the-Court brief from David Duke.”