Brooklyn: There was celebration in the air last night when the election results were announced. That’s right, Peter Beinart was nominated to serve as Israel’s Next Top Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.* The prestigious award is bestowed upon the former friend of Israel whose Personal Journey has taken them the furthest on the Crazy Train to Woketown. While many worthy aspirants entered this year’s contest, in the end Mr. Beinart was the one who stood above the rest.
Remember your ex? The one who stole your goldfish? And when you asked for them back, (Preferred Pronoun) sent you a mix-tape of songs that you once listened to together, each with a clue as to where (Pronoun) hid the fishbowl? Well that Ex has a name, and it’s Peter.
Brooklyn: Excitement was in the air today as a leading As-A-Jewish pundit took the plunge and embraced the religion of As-A-Jewdaism. Noted critic of Israeli policies Peter Beinart dipped into the mikvah at Brooklyn’s Congregration Gates of Self-Righteousness and became a part of the As-A-Jewish people. The Daily Freier was on the scene to share in the simchas.
As the Congregation waited for the ceremony to begin, machers from the various denominations of As-A-Jewdaism milled about in the Jewish Lobby: Bundists, Julia Carmel Bat Dolezal, IfNotNow, Jew-ish Voice for Peace, and some writers for the Forward. Then a hush fell on the crowd as Rabbi Ari L. Gold and Mr. Beinart walked into the room. Rabbi Gold welcomed the audience. “This is an amazing day for me As A Jew as we welcome Peter to the religion of As-A-Jewdaism. As a Jew I feel that Peter will be a great addition to our movement.”
The crowd remained silent as they waited for Mr. Beinart’s response.
“As a Jew I agree with you!” exclaimed Peter to wild applause.
Peter then gave a moving Dvar Torah, that felt kinda like a laundry list of why he thinks Israel sucks and kinda like a Taylor Swift breakup song. He mentioned Trump a lot. And Bibi of course. Also Marc Lamont Hill’s dreaminess. Honestly, there was a lot to unpack. But eventually he finished and then everyone went downstairs to the Social Hall/Food Co-Op for the reception. The Daily Freier was excited to ask the congregants about their fascinating religion.
“You see, As-A-Jewdaism has the same Holy Books as Traditional Judaism, we just interpret them differently.” explained Jesse from IfNotNow. “Also, we use a lot of Yiddish. Because Israelis don’t. And if we don’t know what a cool-sounding Yiddish word actually means, we use it anyway. Like ‘kvelling’. Because As A Jew!”
“Honestly, I never thought this would happen so quickly.” enthused Christine from Jew-ish Voice for Peace. “I mean, by converting before the High Holidays, Peter is giving up an incredible opportunity to write one of his “Crisis of the Soul” think-pieces for Haaretz about why some combination of the Kol Nidre service, Ivanka, and Breaking the Silence caused him to make this decision.” Christine lowered her voice to a whisper and moved in closer. “I’m telling you, even the bookies in Las Vegas were shocked by how fast Peter made the switch.”
Finally, the Daily Freier was able to talk to the man of the hour, Mr. Beinart. “I just hope that my actions As A Jew send a signal. You know, about my virtue. Oh, and also about the fast-growing religion of As-A-Jewdaism.” The Daily Freier asked Mr. Beinart if the conversion process was difficult. “Honestly, I’ve been on this road for quite a while, so it just felt natural.” Peter paused for a moment and continued. “Best of all, they didn’t make me do another Brit Milah because I was already an insufferable prick.”
Las Vegas: There’s some hot new action here in Sin City, and the High Rollers are starting to notice. College Football? Nope. Keno? Nope. Nope. Blackjack? Still Nope. The name of the game this year is picking the date that Peter Beinart goes Full BDS, and everyone wants a piece of the action. You see, Mr. Beinart used to (sorta) be the Conscience of Liberal Zionism. But maybe he switched to a different High School or something, because he’s started to run with the wrong crowd ….and don’t think we haven’t noticed. Anyhoo, as Peter keeps driving down Sanctimony Highway (past the old Tikkun Olam Rest Area) toward BDS City, the bookies have started to notice. And now they’re laying down odds. The Daily Freier put on our best suit, and headed out to the Desert to get a piece of the action.
The Daily Freier met up with “Fat Sal”, who greeted us at his office behind a dilapidated motel a few blocks off the Strip. We asked Mr. Fat Sal if he truly felt that Mr. Beinart was flirting with BDS. Sal took a drag from his cigar and replied. “Has Peter been flirting with BDS lately? Oh he’s been flirting. Lotsa flirting. With BDS. You catch my drift?”
We then asked Mr. Sal just how they put down odds on such a unique form of gambling as Peter Beinart’s very public slow-motion Total Eclipse of the Woke Heart, and Sal explained. “There’s a science to handicapping this. How many times this week did he mention his one-way feud with Bibi? How many times has Code Pink praised his articles on Twitter today? How many times has…” [Sal paused and yelled into the other room] “Hey Jimmy! What’s the over/under on Peter’s ‘As a Jew’ count today?”
Sal continued. “At the end of the day I’m just another conservative businessman. Nothing fancy. I don’t get excited easily. I don’t see anything happening with Peter until after the High Holidays. I mean it’s not like he tweeted an article from Counterpunch…..wait, never mind. ….So what do you think about the horses this year? You got any tips?”
Sal then walked away to take a phone call, and the Daily Freier dutifully eavesdropped. “OK talk to me. Two to One by Labor Day? No friggin way. We’ve already got our odds, and those are the odds, OK? Nothin’ is going to make me change them, got it? Not even if he…. wait you said he just co-hosted a talk via Skype with Omar Barghouti the head of the BDS Movement? ….. OK listen to me. Stop taking any action until we figure this out. OK? I’m out.”
New York: With 2018 drawing to a close, the Daily Freier reviewed its web traffic numbers and discovered that it has been consistently losing market share to a hot new competitor in the “Goofy Jewish Satire” niche market that calls itself “The Forward”. This wacky blog has popped up out of nowhere it appears, and is consistently putting out material that is funnier and more nuts than anything the Daily Freier has managed to produce. So did the Daily Freier just give up? Heck No! We put together a focus group! Yes, the Daily Freier gathered a focus group of Jews: Young and Old. Gay, Straight, and the Israeli guy who you think is Gay but ends up trying to hook up with your girlfriend. Reform, Conservative, Conservadox, Dati, Haredi, and Masorti. Americans, Canuckians, and…. Well you get the point. And if you think this comes cheap, then you haven’t purchased bagels and coffee recently, thank you very much. So anyhoo, we put a bunch of Jews in a room with copies of the Forward downloaded onto Kindles and stealthily recorded their reactions. Like that movie with Sigourney Weaver and the Gorillas. Except the Daily Freier was Sigourney Weaver. Let’s call it “Hebrews in the Mist“. So where were we? Oh yeah, the Focus Group. They LOVED the Forward! But don’t take our word for it, check out some of their reactions below!
Suddenly, “Older guy who keeps telling jokes with Yiddish punchlines” interjected. “Wait, Wait! Peter Beinart is about to compare the Israeli-Arab conflict to the #MeToo Movement! This is even better than their ‘Hen Mazzig: Secret Agent Man’ sketch comedy series!”
Meanwhile, “Recent college grad who wants to work on the new Cannabis Farm in the Negev” sat in the corner laughing at something written by ‘Jewish Voice for Peace’. “OMG this guy is a pro! He supports BDS! He advocates for the ‘Right of Return’! He says ‘Israel/Palestine’ instead of Israel! And then he says he doesn’t understand why Israel isn’t too crazy about him visiting! And he did it all in a deadpan voice!” Then the man took a long hit from a bong that he somehow had smuggled into the focus group and continued. “You don’t have to be baked to truly appreciate the Forward’s comedy genius. But it helps.“
Philadelphia: A member of the Reform Jewish Community is lucky to be alive this evening after engaging in a risky drinking game. Adam G. is currently in stable condition after drinking a shot of Scotch each time the Rabbi at his Reform Temple invoked “Tikkun Olam” during the Shabbat sermon. The Daily Freier spoke with bystanders about this near-tragic event.
“I was sitting with Adam in the back of the Sanctuary by that table with all the old issues of Lilith, and things started okay.” explained Adam’s friend Seth. “The Rabbi mentioned the canned food drive, and invoked Tikkun Olam, so Adam took a shot. Fine, whatever. Then the Rabbi kind of got on a roll. When he started talking about Trump, I knew Adam was in trouble. By the time the Rabbi got to his anecdote about meeting Beto O’Rourke at the Austin Rally for Justice, Adam was slurring his words. When the Rabbi started talking about the Fair-Trade Hummus at his Food Co-Op, Adam was on the floor. I started CPR, and everyone sang Bim-Bam until the paramedics arrived.”
According to sources close to Adam, he is “totally done” with the Tikkun Olam Drinking challenge. But tomorrow afternoon he intends to read The Forward and do a Bong Hit every time Peter Beinart starts a sentence with “As a Jew“.
New York: A Manhattan judge handed down a stern ruling today, ordering that one Hen Mazzig pay restitution to the The Forward after living in their collective heads since September without paying rent or utilities. Since The Forward’s bombshell article in October alleging that Hen might be gay was a paid agent of the Mossad or something, it has become increasingly obvious that Mr. Mazzig had renovated a nice loft with skylights, hardwood floors, and granite countertops somewhere in the collective cerebral cortex of the Forward’s writing staff.
“Clearly the defendant has occupied prime real estate in each of the plaintiffs’ minds.” stated the Judge’s ruling. “After Aidan Pink’s article asserting that Mr. Mazzig was a paid agent of the Israeli Government because, umm, he once served in the Israeli Army, like, umm, almost every other Jewish, Circassian, and Druze Israeli man, the Court had no choice but to award the plaintiff’s claim in full.”
Reaction outside the court was chaotic, with partisans on both sides making impassioned speeches. Noted Progressive Jewish pundit Peter Beinart addressed the crowd. “As a Jew I feel this ruling is very important. And as a Jew I truly believe that this gets to the heart of the crisis of modern Zionism. Also as a Jew I feel that my continued use of the phrase “As a Jew I” at the beginning of Every. Single. Sentence strikes a blow for solidarity with the Marginalized and Oppressed. Also, As a Jew I feel that I can probably file a class action lawsuit against every Israeli who has disappointed me this year and maybe recoup some rent and utilities like the Forward did.”
As Mr. Mazzig left the courthouse, the Daily Freier asked him at which point he knew that he had lost the case. “I don’t know.” he sighed. “Their legal team just ran circles around me. But if I had to point to one thing that told me they were going to win, I guess it was when their Attorney submitted a Friend-of-the-Court brief from David Duke.”
Ben Gurion Airport, Terminal 3: Jewish-American pundit Peter Beinart was briefly detained yesterday after setting off the Airport’s Sanctimony Detector. Mr. Beinart, the beating heart of the (very) Liberal (kinda) Zionist Movement, was held and questioned by Airport Security personnel after his answers to their questions triggered the Detector. The machine, known as the Sanctimonitor, began beeping loudly as Peter talked about his Solidarity trips to Hebron, his one-way feud with Bibi, and the Amazing Vegan Co-Op at the Reconstructionist Synagogue near his favorite bike path. The Daily Freier spoke with Yael Z., the alert Security Officer who initially flagged Mr. Beinart.
” The interview began normally.” explained Yael. “But then he mentioned his White Privilege, and the machine started to beep. Then he began adding the phrase “As a Jew” to Each. And. Every. Sentence….. and the machine started to go crazy. Then he mentioned ‘Tikkun Olam’. And ‘Tikkun Olam’. And ‘Tikkun Olam’. Did I mention that he said ‘Tikkun Olam’? …Finally, he compared the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict to the #MeToo Movement, (Editor’s Note: Of COURSE he really once did this. And of COURSE he did it in the Forward) and the machine sort of exploded a little bit.”
Yael continued: “After we brought him to another room for further questioning, he started reading out loud from a notebook about how betrayed he felt, how things are never going to be the same, and that this might really be the last time. At first we thought it was a Taylor Swift breakup song, but it was actually just his latest article for the Forward.”
El conocido crítico progresista de Israel y colaborador del Forward y del Haaretz, Peter Beinart, está terriblemente orgulloso de su humildad. Sin embargo, incluso una persona tan discreta como Peter a la hora de referirse a sus virtudes progresistas, a veces tiene que dejar que el resto de nosotros sepamos cuán increíblemente Inteligente soy.
Así que Peter se propuso construir una gigantesca señal luminosa que proyecta su virtud progresista desde el techo de su local. Apodado el “Sanctimonitor”, este edificio emite la primera señal de virtud progresista cuyos rayos pueden pasar más allá de la atmósfera de la Tierra hacia los confines del espacio exterior. Así lo ha explicado el propio Peter:
“Hoy la gente de la Tierra ya está asumiendo lentamente lo virtuosamente progresista que soy. ¿Pero qué hay de los aliens? ¿Pero quién educará a los extraterrestres para que conozcan que pueden utilizar perfectamente las suficientes analogías para comparar el conflicto israelo-palestino con el movimiento #MeToo? [Note del editor: Sí, él realmente lo hizo] Como judío estadounidense, siento que esto es muy importante“.
En el proceso de verificar esta historia, Daily Freier contactó con la NASA, quien confirmó que el Mars Rover está recibiendo regularmente los artículos de Beinart del Forward y del Haaretz y que el Voyager II Space Probe acaba de recibir algunos de sus tweets que respaldan el Acuerdo de Obama con Irán.
The Daily Freier le preguntó a Peter si habrá más pasos planeados con la señal de virtud emitida por su Sanctimonitor:.
“Estamos viviendo en tiempos muy aterradores. Trump, Bibi, Kid Rock. Y como judío, no me siento seguro. Entonces, como judío, decidí que todo lo que necesita es una especie de faro que emita señales de virtud progresista de emergencia. Se adapta a tu llavero y está diseñado para situaciones en las que no te sientes lo suficientemente seguro: tal vez te encuentras al lado de un votante de Trump, o de un propietario de armas, o de un fanático del NASCAR, o de un judío que no cree que Obama es muy bueno para Israel. Como judío, creo que esta sería una proposición muy aterradora. Entonces, como judío, construí esta señal de virtud progresista de emergencia que proyecte dicha virtud a cualquier persona dentro de un radio de 50 pies. Como judío, creo que esto ayudará a sanar a la nación“.
The Daily Freier le preguntó al Sr. Beinart si siempre agrega la frase “Como judío” al comienzo de sus oraciones, o solo cuando es necesario proyectar su virtud.
“Como judío, no creo que deba responder esa pregunta“.
Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Police are racing against time in an attempt to rescue a man trapped in a Central Tel Aviv elevator with nothing to read but today’s edition of Haaretz. The newspaper, known for its Left-Wing stance, as well as for hosting cultural conferences where performance artists throw oranges at the audience and stick flags in their butt (What? You think we just made that up? Oh Ye of Little Faith), is considered somewhat of an acquired taste. Authorities soon learned that the building’s thick concrete walls blocked cellular data coverage thus forcing the man to pass the time by reading Haaretz instead of checking his phone. Upon learning this, they rushed a team of police, firefighters, and paramedics to rescue the man, identified as recent American immigrant Zachary F, before it’s too late. The Daily Freier wandered over to the unfolding scene to get all of the facts.
While the building’s thick concrete walls forced Zachary to read Haaretz in the first place, Moti explained that they also may have prevented further tragedy. “Baruch HaShem, those concrete walls means he doesn’t have access to Amos Schocken’s Twitter feed.”
UPDATE: As the article went to print, paramedics were struggling to insert a breathing tube into the elevator shaft, as Gideon Levy’s latest Editorial on Gaza threatened to suck all the oxygen out of the confined space.
New York City: Noted progressive critic of Israel and Haaretz contributor Peter Beinart is awfully proud of his humility. Yet even a man as low-key as Peter is about his virtues sometimes needs to let the rest of us know just how awesomely #WOKE he is. So Peter set about building a gigantic Virtue Signal on the roof of his local Food Co-Op. Dubbed the “Sanctimonitor“, this edifice is the first Virtue Signal whose beams can reach past the Earth’s atmosphere into the reaches of Outer Space. Peter explained.
“Today the people of Earth are slowly being acclimated to how virtuous I am. But what about Aliens? Will Extra Terrestrial Life be sufficiently educated to know that I somehow was able to string enough words together to compare the Israeli-Palestinian conflict to the #MeToo Movement? [EDITOR’S NOTE:Yes. He Really Did This.] As a Jew I feel this is important.”
In the process of fact-checking this story, the Daily Freier contacted NASA, who confirmed that the Mars Rover is now regularly receiving Beinart’s articles from the Forward, and that the Voyager II Space Probe just received some of his Tweets supporting Obama’s Iran Deal.
The Daily Freier asked Peter if there were further steps he planned with the Sanctimonitor Virtue Signal.
“We are living in very scary times. Trump, Bibi, Kid Rock. And as a Jew I don’t feel safe. So as a Jew I decided that what everyone needs is an Emergency Virtue Signaling beacon. It fits on your key chain and is intended for situations where you don’t feel sufficiently safe: maybe you are next to a Trump Voter, or a gun owner, or a NASCAR fan, or a Jew who doesn’t believe that Obama was very good for Israel. As a Jew I feel that this would be a very frightening proposition. So as a Jew I built this emergency beacon that will project your virtue to anyone within a 50 foot radius. As a Jew I believe that this will help heal the nation.”
The Daily Freier asked Mr. Beinart if he always adds the phrase “As a Jew I” to the beginning of his sentences, or just when it’s necessary to project his virtue.
“As a Jew I don’t believe I have to answer that question.”
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.