Dear Rabbi Jacobs,

Greetings and Salutations from Medinat Tel Aviv! We understand that a certain “satire site” in Israel wrote some not-so-nice things about you. In a nutshell, that your reaction to the slow-motion pogrom going on in New York has been muted by the fact that the assailants were not in fact wearing MAGA hats and/or driving pickup trucks. Basically saying that when it comes to choosing between standing up for your fellow Jews and being Wokety Woke, you voted “Present”.

We also note Elder of Ziyon’s report that your lawyer notified PreOccupied Territory that in so many words you will sue the shit out of him the satirical article was not immediately recognizable as satire and that he needed to retract said article or face possible legal action for defamation of character.

As free speech advocates and artists, here is our response to your threats against a fellow writer: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET US HELP YOU. We will turn State’s Evidence. We will wear a wire. We will sell him out faster than Vanilla Ice sold out in the 90’s. We will provide so much dirt that Takashi-69 will urge us to “Stop Snitching”.

Why are we doing this? Because we believe in Tikkun Olam. Not because, and we cannot stress the point enough, that this is somehow an opportunity for us to eliminate our chief rival in the highly lucrative world of Anglo-infused Israeli satire. Definitely not that. Tikkun Olam! (Kind of off-topic, but who is your favorite figure skater? Ours is Tonya Harding!)

Anyhoo, tell your lawyer to get in touch with us. Let’s make this happen. But nicht Shabbes geret.