This is a very difficult moment for us at the Daily Freier. But in the interest of Integrity in Media, we cannot remain silent. For we are Journalists. Shining the Bright Light of Fact-Finding into the void. We MUST speak Truth to Power. So here goes…..
NICHOLAS KRISTOF HAS SEX WITH GERBILS. Yes. You heard it here first. Nicholas is chasing a certain furry friend around the hamster wheel and things are getting Frisky. Is it love? Who are we to judge. But to quote Mr. Kristof, “If this ain’t love, why does it feel so good?” Much like the New York Times, when we aren’t 100% sure of something we just throw it in the Opinion section. Just to be safe. Yet once again, we feel REALLY strongly that this story is true, and in the spirit of Nicholas Kristof, we got 14 people to agree with us. So there you go. But back to Nicholas Kristof Shtupping gerbils…..
We first spoke about this breaking news with Dr. Ryan Bellerose at the Northern Alberta Institute for Media Issues. Doctor Bellerose shared his research with the Daily Freier. “My cousin’s neighbor’s brother is Mr. Kristof’s dry cleaner. He says the stories are all true.” Ryan scratched his chin and looked into the distance for a moment. “Also, he saw Kristof at Blockbuster Video in 2003 renting ‘Pretty Woman’ starring Richard Gere.”
The Daily Freier then spoke with our Frenemies in the Anglo Themed Israel Satire World, Preoccupied Territory. “I know a thing or two about this subject, and Kristof is cold busted.” noted Mr. Territory.”Those saying that a human-hamster coupling is anatomically impossible are in Denial.” Mr. Preoccupied then began furiously going through old texts on his phone. “Wait, do you think Michael Sfard And Jill Jacobs are going to sue me for this?“
