Tag: #Woke

OMG that Racist Homophobic Slave-Owning Oil Sheikh’s News Channel is SO WOKE!

OMG that news site funded by Qatar is giving out some sick burns today! Yassss! I mean, I thought Al-Jazeera was woke, but their kid brother AJ+ is Wokety Woke Woker than Woke! Yeah! I love how they expose just how horribly racist America is and….Wait, you say their country is run with imported slave labor from India and Africa? That doesn’t even make any sense. I mean, slavery??? In Qatar??? Oh please. Let me guess, you found that on one of your Zionist NeoCon sites like….ummm….The Guardian? OK, so let’s change the subject.

OK so where were we? Oh yeah, the Qatari Government that funds AJ+ and Al Jazeera is totally  speaking Truth to Power and standing  up to Hate and hold on….. funding Hamas? So who complained about it? Probably some Zionist group like AIPAC or Stand With Us or wait a minute….. Saudi Arabia? Again, this conversation is starting to make me uncomfortable.

Whatever. Say what you will, but AJ+ has NEVER stopped passionately advocating for Syrian refugee and how they have been treated by racist Europeans! I mean, Qatar was so busy advocating for Syrian refugees at the height of the crisis that they didn’t have time to actually, like, take in any Syrian refugees. But that’s a small price to pay for finely honed advocacy. I mean, AJ+ and its pointed critiques of American immigration issues are really shaking things up! Especially when you consider that only 12% of the people who live in Qatar have citizenship. Oh and that, uh, in Qatar, if your dad wasn’t a citizen, you’ll never be a citizen!  But come on! They’re hosting the World Cup in 2022! And besides, AJ+ keeps shining the light of truth on how the West treats its marginalized communities. Which is kinda impressive when you think of it, since being gay in Qatar is a criminal offense.

Oh that’s funny, I just read that Qatar also funds the Brookings Institution! Pretty neat, huh?

 

 

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Jewish Voice for Peace hires Hanin Zoabi

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/9/2019 at 1:20 PM

Oakland: In an amazing coup, the Anti-Israel’s Existence Anti-Occupation NGO “Jewish Voice for Peace” just hired Hanin Zoabi to be their newest “Director of Outreach”!  Jewish Voice for Peace (Street Name: “The Ridiculous JVP“) snapped up the talented but soon to be unemployed anti-Israel-but-an-Israeli Knesset Member just as soon as it was obvious that Hanin would not make the cut of her Balad Party’s candidates in the upcoming Israeli election. The Daily Freier spoke with JVP Executive Director Rebecca Vilkomerson to find out just how they were able to hire the Knesset’s most easygoing and chill member.

This was not a traditional move.” explained Ms. Vilkomerson. Ms. Zoabi might not meet your outdated and racist definition of ‘Jewish’. And her ideas might not meet your outdated and racist definition of ‘Peace’ either. But her voice is just fine.” The Daily Freier asked Ms. Vilkomerson if her definition of “racist” was “people to the right of me who I disagree with” and she nodded in agreement and we continued the interview.

Incidentally, this power move by Jewish Voice for Peace has caused quite a ruckus among its allies on the Sorta-Jewish-But-Dislikes-Most-Other-Jews-Intersectional-Left. In fact, many of JVP’s peers reacted to the move with a mixture of excitement tinged with Envy. “OMG, they hired Zoabi? I wanted to have her write our special edition for Yom HaAtzmaut this year. Damn their luck!” fumed The Forward’s Opinion Editor Batya Ungar-Sargon. “Please excuse me, but I hear that Hen Mazzig just brushed his teeth with water from The Occupation and I need to go write a 700 word blog post on why this is NOT OK……Wait, do you think I’m acting clingy and obsessed?

For her part, Ms. Zoabi was looking forward to this new career move. “They asked me to plan a nice mixer in the Spring, so I’m thinking ‘Boat Ride’, you know? Rebecca just LOVED the idea, but I’m afraid to break it to her that Hamas vetoed the Open Bar and dance-off competitions. But It’s just refreshing to work with people who share my values.” Ms. Zoabi smiled slightly and continued. “Who knows, maybe I will meet someone nice!

We wanted to continue our chat, but Ms. Zoabi had to say goodbye. “They said I need to be in the United States for Friday Morning’s Staff Meeting. Maybe I can call Azmi Bishara and ask about the best deals on last-minute flights out of Israel.

 

Daily Freier losing ground to hot new satire site called “The Forward”

By Aaron Pomerantz & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/31/2018 at 12:30 PM

New York: With 2018 drawing to a close, the Daily Freier reviewed its web traffic numbers and discovered that it has been consistently losing market share to a hot new competitor in the “Goofy Jewish Satire” niche market that calls itself “The Forward”. This wacky blog has popped up out of nowhere it appears, and is consistently putting out material that is funnier and more nuts than anything the Daily Freier has managed to produce. So did the Daily Freier just give up? Heck No! We put together a focus group! Yes, the Daily Freier gathered a focus group of Jews: Young and Old. Gay, Straight, and the Israeli guy who you think is Gay but ends up trying to hook up with your girlfriend. Reform, Conservative, Conservadox, Dati, Haredi, and Masorti. Americans, Canuckians, and…. Well you get the point. And if you think this comes cheap, then you haven’t purchased bagels and coffee recently, thank you very much. So anyhoo, we put a bunch of Jews in a room with copies of the Forward downloaded onto Kindles and stealthily recorded their reactions. Like that movie with Sigourney Weaver and the Gorillas. Except the Daily Freier was Sigourney Weaver. Let’s call it “Hebrews in the Mist“. So where were we? Oh yeah, the Focus Group. They LOVED the Forward! But don’t take our word for it, check out some of their reactions below!


Hey, check this one out!” exclaimed “Married North Jersey Dentist” to the other people sitting at his table.  No, You Can’t Be A Feminist And A Zionist“, by Mariam Barghouti! You know, this might be the funniest thing produced by a Barghouti since Marwan invented the “Hunger Strike with Designated Snack Breaks” last year!

OK OK you need to see this!” giggled “Canadian-Israeli Woman” as she took a break from showing everyone pictures of her dogs. “It’s calledLay Off Linda Sarsour’.  I know! Linda! The woman who said that there is nothing creepier than Zionism! And accused Jews of secretly controlling America. Yes! her! So anyways, the article says that Jews only criticize Linda because they’re racists! Amazing! ……What’s that you say? It would be funnier if they also threw in some random stuff about Trump? Well say no more. They did that too!

Suddenly, “Older guy who keeps telling jokes with Yiddish punchlines” interjected. “Wait, Wait! Peter Beinart is about to compare the Israeli-Arab conflict to the #MeToo Movement! This is even better than their ‘Hen Mazzig: Secret Agent Man’  sketch comedy series!

Meanwhile, “Recent college grad who wants to work on the new Cannabis Farm in the Negev” sat in the corner laughing at something written by ‘Jewish Voice for Peace’. “OMG this guy is a pro! He supports BDS! He advocates for the ‘Right of Return’! He says ‘Israel/Palestine’ instead of Israel! And then he says he doesn’t understand why Israel isn’t too crazy about him visiting! And he did it all in a deadpan voice!” Then the man took a long hit from a bong that he somehow had smuggled into the focus group and continued. “You don’t have to be baked to truly appreciate the Forward’s comedy genius. But it helps.

The Forward exclusive: Hen Mazzig rumored to be Gay!

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/25/2018 at 12:00 PM

Manhattan: In another journalistic breakthrough from their ongoing investigation of Jews who support the Zionist Entity, the Forward has dropped a bombshell bound to shake the Jewish World to its core. Specifically, there are very credible rumors that Israel/Indigenous Rights advocate Hen Mazzig might be….you may want to sit down for this one…. GAY. Yeah, we know. We were just as surprised as you are. But it’s investigative reporting of this caliber that we’ve come to expect from the journalistic standard-bearer for Jews who like being Jewish but don’t like….there’s no delicate way to say this….. Israel, most Israeli people, the Israeli Government, and probably Israeli pets. The Forward, which has done some a-ma-zing work ever since it decided to go Fully Woke, has apparently decided to answer the rhetorical question that we all have asked at one point after taking the entire bag of edibles at once: “Hey! How would Linda Sarsour’s Twitter feed look if she joined a Bundist Yiddish theater troupe in Williamsburg?

The Daily Freier was able to Skype with Aiden Pink, the author of the Forward’s stunning exposé of Mr. Mazzig. We congratulated Mr. Pink on his previous article alleging that Hen is in fact an Israeli agent. “Yeah, that story really broke everything wide open, didn’t it?” Aiden explained. “You see, I wanted to shed light on this secret Israeli conspiracy to influence American society, and for the cover photo we superimposed Hen’s face onto a background with the Star of David and some Shekels.” Aiden paused for a moment and reflected. “Wait, do you think that was too subtle?” (Real World Spoiler Alert: They Really Really Did This.)

The Daily Freier then asked Mr. Pink how The Forward discovered that Hen might be gay, and he replied that they first became suspicious when Hen wore that killer suit to the Algemeiner Awards Gala, with no visible wife or girlfriend to dress him. The Daily Freier then asked Aidan what difference any of this would make.

Aiden: By showcasing prominent LGBT citizens, Israel often engages in Pinkwashing.

The Freier: So by ‘Pinkwashing’ do you mean ‘telling the truth about LGBT rights in Israel and telling the truth about LGBT persecution in the Arab and Muslim world’?

Aiden: …..(pause)….. Is there another definition?

The Freier: Moving on to the topic of Hen’s Secret Agent identity. Specifically, what proof did The Forward have of this accusation?

Aiden: He literally worked for the Israeli Government. He served in the Army!

The Freier: But by your standards, all the Jews, Druze, and Circassians in Israel could also be suspected agents.

Aiden: Wait, So what you’re saying is, in a country with universal conscription, literally everyone was in the military?

The Freier: Uh Huh.

Aiden: So my accusation that Hen was an Israeli agent could also be leveled at your Vaad Bayit?

The Freier: Uh huh.

Aiden: And the pretty Mizrahi girl with big hair & giant red acrylic fingernails who works at the phone kiosk in the mall?

The Freier: Uh huh

Aiden: And the guy on Rothschild who keeps trying to sell you a subscription to Haaretz?

The Freier: Uh Huh!

Aiden: Same with the guy at the juice stand on the corner who keeps hitting on the Taglit girls?

The Freier: Uh huh!

Aiden: And the woman on the Number 4 bus yesterday who told a complete stranger that if she wanted to be skinnier, she should stop eating pastries?

The Freier: Uh huh!

Aiden: OMG, it’s almost as if I had no idea what the fuck I was talking about when I wrote the article.

The Freier: We’ve just had what our Therapist calls “a breakthrough”. And this is the sound of us hugging you from 4000 miles away. OMG…. Did we just have a Moment???


UPDATE:  The Daily Freier has independently determined that Mr. Mazzig is in fact NOT a paid agent of the Jooz, because the one time we met for brunch in Tel Aviv, at no point did he offer to pick up the check.

 

Fact Checker: every word in Julia Salazar’s bio is false. “Even the punctuation.”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/10/2018 at 4:17 PM

Brooklyn: An exhaustive and comprehensive review of New York State Senate candidate Julia Salazar‘s stated biography has revealed that every single part of it was totally made up, including the words ‘and’, ‘the‘, the number ‘3‘, the letter ‘Q‘, and all of the punctuation to include the commas, semi-colons, and parentheses.

The Daily Freier Institute for Fact Checking Excellence released their report this morning, and it has taken the media by storm. You know how the TV News awards you ‘Pinocchios’ if you make something up?” explained The Freier Institute’s lead Fact Checker Aaron Pomerantz. “We literally don’t have enough ‘Pinocchios’ to award her so we rated her “Geppetto” in hopes that this will lead to the creation of more Pinocchios.

Mr. Pomerantz then laid out his Institute’s findings: “Not only did she create the image of growing up poor despite living in a McMansion and having a $600,000 Trust Fund, she also created a Jewish family identity completely unknown to her brother and parents. Additionally, she appears to be the only person to ever immigrate to America from…. Florida.” Mr. Pomerantz then described further inconsistencies. “See that comma in paragraph 2? She made it up. Also that semi colon. And that apostrophe. Also the letter “Q” in that footnote over there. Then there’s that Number “6” in the addendum. Fake, Fake, Fake, Fake.”

When contacted about the accusations that her entire biography is false right down to the punctuation, her Campaign spokesperson responded that it depends upon what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is.

Mocking Nike? We Just Did It!

This week, Nike showed just how #Woke they are by making an ad starring this guy named Colin Kapaernik who people say once actually played football (we’ve found no proof). Anyhoo, the Daily Freier is not about to let a mere Gazillion Dollar Sneaker Company Out-Woke us.

(We’re over at Israellycool today. Check it out!)

Julia Salazar: “My Hebrew name is רחל בת דולזל”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/31/2018 at 2:45 PM

Brooklyn: Everyone’s favorite immigrant born in Florida who grew up poor in a McMansion has come out forcefully that she is in fact Jewish. Julia Salazar is running for New York State Senate from Brooklyn and has embraced the identity as a Woke Latina Jew. Despite certain statements contradicting her claim of Jewish ancestry from unreliable partisan organizations, like, um, her brother, Julia adamantly stands by her claim of Jewish roots. “I even have a Jewish name! she explained to the Daily Freier.רחל בת דולזל. She was a hero from the Bible or something. I dunno, the Rabbi explained it halfway through the conversion, but I was texting Shaun King and must have forgotten.

The Daily Freier asked Ms. Salazar the name of the Rabbi who converted her, and she quickly answered that it was Krusty the Clown’s dad from the Simpsons he works at the same Shul where Tim Whatley converted in the ‘Yada Yada Yada‘ episode. When the Daily Freier tried to delve further into her claim, she accused us of being “Anti-Dentite“.

The Daily Freier then asked Ms. Salazar about her future plans, and she replied: “I really want to win this, praise Jesus, I mean, B’zrat HaShem. But if this doesn’t work out, maybe I can move to Spokane and chair a NAACP chapter.