Greetings and Salutations from Medinat Tel Aviv! We understand that a certain “satire site” in Israel wrote some not-so-nice things about you. In a nutshell, that your reaction to the slow-motion pogrom going on in New York has been muted by the fact that the assailants were not in fact wearing MAGA hats and/or driving pickup trucks. Basically saying that when it comes to choosing between standing up for your fellow Jews and being Wokety Woke, you voted “Present”.
We also note Elder of Ziyon’s report that your lawyer notified PreOccupied Territory that in so many words you will sue the shit out of him the satirical article was not immediately recognizable as satire and that he needed to retract said article or face possible legal action for defamation of character.
As a free speech advocate and artist, here is our response to your threats against a fellow writer: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET US HELP YOU. We will turn State’s Evidence. We will wear a wire. We will sell him out faster than Vanilla Ice sold out in the 90’s. We will provide so much dirt that Takashi-69 will urge us to “Stop Snitching”.
Why are we doing this? Because we believe in Tikkun Olam. Not because, and we cannot stress the point enough, that this is somehow an opportunity for us to eliminate our chief rival in the highly lucrative world of Anglo-infused Israeli satire. Definitely not that. Tikkun Olam! (Kind of off-topic, but who is your favorite figure skater? Ours is Tonya Harding!)
Anyhoo, tell your lawyer to get in touch with us. Let’s make this happen. But nicht Shabbes geret.
Las Vegas: There’s some hot new action here in Sin City, and the High Rollers are starting to notice. College Football? Nope. Keno? Nope. Nope. Blackjack? Still Nope. The name of the game this year is picking the date that Peter Beinart goes Full BDS, and everyone wants a piece of the action. You see, Mr. Beinart used to (sorta) be the Conscience of Liberal Zionism. But maybe he switched to a different High School or something, because he’s started to run with the wrong crowd ….and don’t think we haven’t noticed. Anyhoo, as Peter keeps driving down Sanctimony Highway (past the old Tikkun Olam Rest Area) toward BDS City, the bookies have started to notice. And now they’re laying down odds. The Daily Freier put on our best suit, and headed out to the Desert to get a piece of the action.
The Daily Freier met up with “Fat Sal”, who greeted us at his office behind a dilapidated motel a few blocks off the Strip. We asked Mr. Fat Sal if he truly felt that Mr. Beinart was flirting with BDS. Sal took a drag from his cigar and replied. “Has Peter been flirting with BDS lately? Oh he’s been flirting. Lotsa flirting. With BDS. You catch my drift?”
We then asked Mr. Sal just how they put down odds on such a unique form of gambling as Peter Beinart’s very public slow-motion Total Eclipse of the Woke Heart, and Sal explained. “There’s a science to handicapping this. How many times this week did he mention his one-way feud with Bibi? How many times has Code Pink praised his articles on Twitter today? How many times has…” [Sal paused and yelled into the other room] “Hey Jimmy! What’s the over/under on Peter’s ‘As a Jew’ count today?”
Sal continued. “At the end of the day I’m just another conservative businessman. Nothing fancy. I don’t get excited easily. I don’t see anything happening with Peter until after the High Holidays. I mean it’s not like he tweeted an article from Counterpunch…..wait, never mind. ….So what do you think about the horses this year? You got any tips?”
Sal then walked away to take a phone call, and the Daily Freier dutifully eavesdropped. “OK talk to me. Two to One by Labor Day? No friggin way. We’ve already got our odds, and those are the odds, OK? Nothin’ is going to make me change them, got it? Not even if he…. wait you said he just co-hosted a talk via Skype with Omar Barghouti the head of the BDS Movement? ….. OK listen to me. Stop taking any action until we figure this out. OK? I’m out.”
Gan Eden: Today HaShem/G-d/The One Who Created the Universe shared news that was both shocking and kinda made sense: that (Preferred Pronoun) created IfNotNow in order to convince the Gentiles that Jews are also capable of being complete idiots. You see, IfNotNow is the Woke Jewish Left’s answer to a question that none of us really asked. Or a secret plan to make Jewish Voice for Peace seem a bit less nuts. Anyhoo, IfNotNow has created a new generation of Woke Jewish Leadership that has bravely called out such “Pro-Occupation, Pro-Kahanist” Israelis as….ummm….Sarah Tuttle-Singer. So in order to hear all about this first-hand, The Daily Freier spoke with HaShem today via Skype from somewhere in the South Pacific where Shabbat has already ended.
“The problem is that I’ve created some amazing ones: Einstein, RGB, Sandy Koufax, Golda, Maimonides.” explained HaShem as (don’t forget to add a pronoun here) lazily worked on a new species of marsupials. “Heck even my goofy concepts like Rabbi Shmuley or Geraldo Rivera…. at the end of the day they’re still basically smart, level-headed people. So I needed a creation that says to the world ‘Hey: Jews aren’t so special. They can also be complete simpletons who are so Woke that they get mad at Israel for attacking Hamas without mentioning that Hamas just fired missiles out of the blue at Tel Aviv.’ Know what I’m saying?” [Editors Note: The missile alert also forced the author of this piece to have awkward conversations in the hallway with that neighbor downstairs who we never see for months at a time.]
The Daily Freier then asked the Tetragrammaton when (Concept that exists outside the limits of Time and Space. But with Masculine and Feminine Aspects) first came up with the concept of a clique of Woke Jewish Dorks with their own Twitter handle. “Well at first it was just a side project a few years back while I was tinkering with a new strain of romaine lettuce. But then I remembered that in the Talmud it says ‘And there shall be an Army of kids who went to NYU and are still mad at their parents/therapists. And verily I shall find the most Basic ones from among them to be their leaders’….OK OK I never really said that. But I could have if I wanted to. So there, I just said it. Write that down. Baruch Hashem!…..Wait….Can I say that? Is that a bit cocky?”
The Daily Freier asked Adonai if it’s checked IfNotNow’s Twitter feed lately, so the YudHeyVavHey scrolled through (whatever possessive pronoun offends you the least) iPhone. “Wow…..just wow….OK that’s really dumb. Maybe I should have just brought back mastodons. Everybody loves mastodons.”
As Hashem left to prepare the world for the week to come, the Daily Freier asked what lay ahead in the future for IfNotNow. “Who knows, maybe they will move to Israel after their Woke “Allies” inevitably turn on them some time in the year Two Thousand and…..”. Then our Skype call got disconnected.
Washington: In an unexpectedly decisive move, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi yesterday restricted Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (Democrat-Minnesota) to just one anti-Jewish tweet per week. Congresswoman Omar’s Twitter history includes such Greatest Hits as ‘Israel hypnotized the world’, that support for Israel in Congress was “all about The Benjamins“, and (just this week!) that American Jews have dual-loyalty. All of this drama has given the Democrats a bit of a rough week, and Pelosi decided bold action was in order. Speaker Pelosi’s spokesperson Drew Hammill explained the new policy at a noontime press conference. “Today Speaker Pelosi laid down the law: Congresswoman Ilhan Omar is henceforth to write no more than one anti-Jewish tweet or Facebook post in any 7-day period, whether or not Congress is in session.”
Reaction in the pundit-sphere was quite positive, with noted “As-a-Jew” Peter Beinart expressing his relief. “This masterstroke by Pelosi means that I can put a solid 5 days into my explanatory think-piece for the Atlantic on why Ilhan Omar’s next anti-Jewish outburst is not nearly as bad as that time Trump called a reporter fat. I think you’re going to see a noted increase in the quality of my excuses for Woke Left Wing Anti-Semitism. As a Jew I feel this is important.”
For her part, Congresswoman Omar was quite conciliatory and understanding of Speaker Pelosi’s new directive. “At first I wanted at least two or three, depending on whether I had a chance to meet up with Linda that week or not. But Nancy Jewed me down was very adamant on this point, so I agreed. What can I say? I’m a team player. I mean, until 2020. Wait, did I just say that? Never mind that last part.”
I just wanted to take a moment from my day to reflect on some simply amazing developments across the Atlantic. For too long, the Democratic Party pushed all of the same sad old Center-Left/Clinton-Blair themes. But today there are some exciting new faces shaking things up! It is in this vein that I have looked on with much fondness and anticipation at the exciting young voices in the Party, especially Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar. Now Ms. Tlaib has created a very robust coalition, consisting of the Many not The Jew Few, and her friends have some very innovative solutions to the crisis in Palestine. Indeed, some of their Solutions seem rather Final. If this was not exciting enough for one day, finding out that Ms. Tlaib used to write for Louis Farrakhan’s newspaper was quite simply delicious. Minister Farrakhan and I share so much, particularly in our views concerning “The People of the Book”.
Yet in much the same case as with today’s Labour Party, there are unseen powers working against Rashida, Ilhan, and our other friends in the Democratic Party. Who are these Unseen Powers? We really don’t know for sure, but we have a pretty good idea who (((They))) are. Speaking of which, Ilhan quickly determined the source of Power wielded by a certain group of Rootless Cosmopolitans who claim to come from the Levant. As the Young People would say, it is in fact “All About the Benjamins“. (Isn’t the Vernacular of the Street simply delightful in its ability to turn a phrase? Fascinating, really.) Finally, we had a voice pointing out what so many of us on the Progressive Left have known for so long: that Israel has been hypnotizing the World. Furthermore, watching Ms. Omar’s vociferous cross-examination of that Zio former Reagan and Bush Administration appointee Elliot Abrams was quite simply a breath of fresh air. And while she did not know his actual name, and would not let him respond to her questions, her fighting spirit reminded me of the best of George Galloway (who may be back in Labour sooner than you think. You heard it here first!). This was almost as refreshing as my Comrade McDonnell informing us this week that Winston Churchill was a villain!
Yet as much as I admire Ms. Tlaib and Ms. Omar, I would be remiss to ignore the great achievements of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez! Her astute views on the merits of a Socialist Command Economy are a clear indicator of her bright future in politics. We even Tweet to one another sometimes! So while Ms. Ocasio-Cortez may not yet be as far along as Ms. Tlaib and Ms. Omar when it comes to the Jewish Question, all of us in Labour have confidence that she will soon see this issue as we see it.
OMG that news site funded by Qatar is giving out some sick burns today! Yassss! I mean, I thought Al-Jazeera was woke, but their kid brother AJ+ is Wokety Woke Woker than Woke! Yeah! I love how they expose just how horribly racist America is and….Wait, you say their country is run with imported slave labor from India and Africa? That doesn’t even make any sense. I mean, slavery??? In Qatar??? Oh please. Let me guess, you found that on one of your Zionist NeoCon sites like….ummm….The Guardian? OK, so let’s change the subject.
OK so where were we? Oh yeah, the Qatari Government that funds AJ+ and Al Jazeera is totally speaking Truth to Power and standing up to Hate and hold on….. funding Hamas? So who complained about it? Probably some Zionist group like AIPAC or Stand With Us or wait a minute….. Saudi Arabia? Again, this conversation is starting to make me uncomfortable.
“This was not a traditional move.” explained Ms. Vilkomerson. “Ms. Zoabi might not meet your outdated and racist definition of ‘Jewish’. And her ideas might not meet your outdated and racist definition of ‘Peace’ either. But her voice is just fine.” The Daily Freier asked Ms. Vilkomerson if her definition of “racist” was “people to the right of me who I disagree with” and she nodded in agreement and we continued the interview.
Incidentally, this power move by Jewish Voice for Peace has caused quite a ruckus among its allies on the Sorta-Jewish-But-Dislikes-Most-Other-Jews-Intersectional-Left. In fact, many of JVP’s peers reacted to the move with a mixture of excitement tinged with Envy. “OMG, they hired Zoabi? I wanted to have her write our special edition for Yom HaAtzmaut this year. Damn their luck!” fumed The Forward’s Opinion Editor Batya Ungar-Sargon. “Please excuse me, but I hear that Hen Mazzig just brushed his teeth with water from The Occupation and I need to go write a 700 word blog post on why this is NOT OK……Wait, do you think I’m acting clingy and obsessed?“
For her part, Ms. Zoabi was looking forward to this new career move. “They asked me to plan a nice mixer in the Spring, so I’m thinking ‘Boat Ride’, you know? Rebecca just LOVED the idea, but I’m afraid to break it to her that Hamas vetoed the Open Bar and dance-off competitions. ButIt’s just refreshing to work with people who share my values.” Ms. Zoabi smiled slightly and continued. “Who knows, maybe I will meet someone nice!”
New York: With 2018 drawing to a close, the Daily Freier reviewed its web traffic numbers and discovered that it has been consistently losing market share to a hot new competitor in the “Goofy Jewish Satire” niche market that calls itself “The Forward”. This wacky blog has popped up out of nowhere it appears, and is consistently putting out material that is funnier and more nuts than anything the Daily Freier has managed to produce. So did the Daily Freier just give up? Heck No! We put together a focus group! Yes, the Daily Freier gathered a focus group of Jews: Young and Old. Gay, Straight, and the Israeli guy who you think is Gay but ends up trying to hook up with your girlfriend. Reform, Conservative, Conservadox, Dati, Haredi, and Masorti. Americans, Canuckians, and…. Well you get the point. And if you think this comes cheap, then you haven’t purchased bagels and coffee recently, thank you very much. So anyhoo, we put a bunch of Jews in a room with copies of the Forward downloaded onto Kindles and stealthily recorded their reactions. Like that movie with Sigourney Weaver and the Gorillas. Except the Daily Freier was Sigourney Weaver. Let’s call it “Hebrews in the Mist“. So where were we? Oh yeah, the Focus Group. They LOVED the Forward! But don’t take our word for it, check out some of their reactions below!
Suddenly, “Older guy who keeps telling jokes with Yiddish punchlines” interjected. “Wait, Wait! Peter Beinart is about to compare the Israeli-Arab conflict to the #MeToo Movement! This is even better than their ‘Hen Mazzig: Secret Agent Man’ sketch comedy series!”
Meanwhile, “Recent college grad who wants to work on the new Cannabis Farm in the Negev” sat in the corner laughing at something written by ‘Jewish Voice for Peace’. “OMG this guy is a pro! He supports BDS! He advocates for the ‘Right of Return’! He says ‘Israel/Palestine’ instead of Israel! And then he says he doesn’t understand why Israel isn’t too crazy about him visiting! And he did it all in a deadpan voice!” Then the man took a long hit from a bong that he somehow had smuggled into the focus group and continued. “You don’t have to be baked to truly appreciate the Forward’s comedy genius. But it helps.“
Manhattan: In another journalistic breakthrough from their ongoing investigation of Jews who support the Zionist Entity, the Forward has dropped a bombshell bound to shake the Jewish World to its core. Specifically, there are very credible rumors that Israel/Indigenous Rights advocate Hen Mazzig might be….you may want to sit down for this one…. GAY. Yeah, we know. We were just as surprised as you are. But it’s investigative reporting of this caliber that we’ve come to expect from the journalistic standard-bearer for Jews who like being Jewish but don’t like….there’s no delicate way to say this….. Israel, most Israeli people, the Israeli Government, and probably Israeli pets. The Forward, which has done some a-ma-zing work ever since it decided to go Fully Woke, has apparently decided to answer the rhetorical question that we all have asked at one point after taking the entire bag of edibles at once: “Hey! How would Linda Sarsour’s Twitter feed look if she joined a Bundist Yiddish theater troupe in Williamsburg?”
The Daily Freier was able to Skype with Aiden Pink, the author of the Forward’s stunning exposé of Mr. Mazzig. We congratulated Mr. Pink on his previous article alleging that Hen is in fact an Israeli agent. “Yeah, that story really broke everything wide open, didn’t it?” Aiden explained. “You see, I wanted to shed light on this secret Israeli conspiracy to influence American society, and for the cover photo we superimposed Hen’s face onto a background with the Star of David and some Shekels.” Aiden paused for a moment and reflected. “Wait, do you think that was too subtle?” (Real World Spoiler Alert: They Really Really Did This.)
The Daily Freier then asked Mr. Pink how The Forward discovered that Hen might be gay, and he replied that they first became suspicious when Hen wore that killer suit to the Algemeiner Awards Gala, with no visible wife or girlfriend to dress him. The Daily Freier then asked Aidan what difference any of this would make.
Aiden: By showcasing prominent LGBT citizens, Israel often engages in Pinkwashing.
The Freier: So by ‘Pinkwashing’ do you mean ‘telling the truth about LGBT rights in Israel and telling the truth about LGBT persecution in the Arab and Muslim world’?
Aiden: …..(pause)….. Is there another definition?
The Freier: Moving on to the topic of Hen’s Secret Agent identity. Specifically, what proof did The Forward have of this accusation?
Aiden: He literally worked for the Israeli Government. He served in the Army!
The Freier: But by your standards, all the Jews, Druze, and Circassians in Israel could also be suspected agents.
Aiden: Wait, So what you’re saying is, in a country with universal conscription, literally everyone was in the military?
The Freier: Uh Huh.
Aiden: So my accusation that Hen was an Israeli agent could also be leveled at your Vaad Bayit?
The Freier: Uh huh.
Aiden: And the pretty Mizrahi girl with big hair & giant red acrylic fingernails who works at the phone kiosk in the mall?
The Freier: Uh huh
Aiden: And the guy on Rothschild who keeps trying to sell you a subscription to Haaretz?
The Freier: Uh Huh!
Aiden: Same with the guy at the juice stand on the corner who keeps hitting on the Taglit girls?
The Freier: Uh huh!
Aiden: And the woman on the Number 4 bus yesterday who told a complete stranger that if she wanted to be skinnier, she should stop eating pastries?
The Freier: Uh huh!
Aiden: OMG, it’s almost as if I had no idea what the fuck I was talking about when I wrote the article.
The Freier: We’ve just had what our Therapist calls “a breakthrough”. And this is the sound of us hugging you from 4000 miles away. OMG…. Did we just have a Moment???
UPDATE: The Daily Freier has independently determined that Mr. Mazzig is in fact NOT a paid agent of the Jooz, because the one time we met for brunch in Tel Aviv, at no point did he offer to pick up the check.
Brooklyn: An exhaustive and comprehensive review of New York State Senate candidate Julia Salazar‘s stated biography has revealed that every single part of it was totally made up, including the words ‘and’, ‘the‘, the number ‘3‘, the letter ‘Q‘, and all of the punctuation to include the commas, semi-colons, and parentheses.
The Daily Freier Institute for Fact Checking Excellence released their report this morning, and it has taken the media by storm. “You know how the TV News awards you ‘Pinocchios’ if you make something up?” explained The Freier Institute’s lead Fact Checker Aaron Pomerantz. “We literally don’t have enough ‘Pinocchios’ to award her so we rated her “Geppetto” in hopes that this will lead to the creation of more Pinocchios.“