Tehran: Al-Qaeda’s second-in-command- Abdullah Ahmed Abdullah, also known as Abu Mohammed Al-Masri, met his demise in Tehran on August 7th when foreign agents gunned him down.
Published reports indicated that Al-Masri was actively planning attacks on Jewish targets, but a faxrecording leaked by Israeli intelligence suggests that in the minutes leading up to his assassination, Al-Masri was watching the third season of Fauda.
Defense officials confirmed that Al-Masri can be heard arguing with fellow Al-Qaeda commanders:
“I know that it is our duty to submit Jews to the lowly dhimmi status they deserve, but to be honest all I care about is finding out whether or not Doron and Hila are gonna hook up later this season. Let me finish season 3, and then we can get back to killing Jews.”
The tape’s authenticity was immediately refuted by both Iran, which had been providing sanctuary for Al-Masri, and Al-Qaeda itself.
“Sure, Fauda is exciting, but the idea that al-Masri took a break from his most recent plan to kill Jews is preposterous.” claimed a masked spokesman on a TikTok video put out by Al-Qaeda’s central command, which has since been removed by the platform. “We are downright offended by the notion that we’d devote a mere 98% or 99% of our energies to killing Jews. We are in fact 100% committed.”
Jerusalem: There was horror and consternation in Jerusalem as news emerged that the Israelis were the second national team banned from the upcoming Rio Olympics. With Russia banned a few weeks ago for widespread doping, the Israeli team were kicked out for testing positive for another energy-boosting substance – Cofix’s five shekel ice coffee.
“Well, it just goes to show that the Zionists will not stop at nothing to steal coffee beans from Palestinian bean growers, whose livelihoods have been wrecked by a Government agenda to deny them breakfast and keep them comatose.” noted UK Labor leader Jeremy Corbyn as he got ready to meet Anjem Choudary for tea.
“I have never heard anything so ridiculous in my whole life!” complained Minister of Sport Miri Regev. “Right now Tel Aviv is hotter than the surface of Jupiter. Of course my team are going to try to keep cool. But no ice coffee?! I have heard it all.” Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu quickly blamed the rise in Islamic fundamentalism for Israelis’ growing coffee addiction. “People are drinking it like there’s no tomorrow. And Ice Coffee at five shekels is a luxury that just about everyone can afford.” he said while sipping a mojito from a balcony on the Sheraton in the Maldives.
Hurdlers, basketball players, mountain bikers, one Krav Maga enthusiast and a team of volleyball arsim were all immediately disbarred after their caffeine levels were discovered to be off the charts. Another hopeful track star Moshe Polansky, a 100 meter sprinter from Ashkelon, protested his innocence: “I didn’t know the coffee would still be in my system, my brain froze, if anything, I am less able to function after that.” he cried, as he finished his trial 100m race in under an hour, after stopping to talk to five people at the side of the track and call his mother. He crossed the finish line as they turned the floodlights off. Mother-of-three Rivka Goldberg from Jerusalem also learned of her ban during curling practice, with her tongue pressed to the ice as temperatures hit 102 Degrees in the Old City. In an unrelated test, a pair of professional Matkot (beach paddle ball) players were also kicked out of the tournament because of the headache that their game caused anyone within two kilometers.
With the focus now on the 2020 Olympics, the Israeli team still plans to fly to Rio as most have already rented their apartments out on AirBnB.
Tel Aviv: Tel Aviv is a city of extremes. It’s either unbearably hot or freaking cold here, people are either zealous lefties or stubbornly right. But when it comes to prices, it gets to the boiling point. No need to mention how ridiculously overpriced local supermarkets and bars are, but right next to them you can always find Cofix and get anything you need (or almost anything – I personally still can’t find gluten-free vegan chewing bones for my dog) for the low low price of 5 shekels!
Why is it 5 Shekels and not 7, 12, or 5.99? The Daily Freier couldn’t help but be curious and thus wanted to find an answer to this question. After 945 missed calls and 61 attempts to get into the Cofix Headquarters (no need to say “wow”, we’ve got a vast experience dealing with Cellcom and Hot Cable), a third cousin of a branch manager named Chaim finally confessed:
“Have you ever tried to break 200 shekels into 5-shekel coins to use a laundromat? It accepts only 1 and 5-shekel coins, and if you have a big family (by that I mean Bnei B’rak Sephardi big, not your Tel Aviv Ashkenazi with four dogs), you have to make 10-20 loads of laundry daily. We simply needed a lot 5-shekel coins.”
Another even closer family member (who wished to remain anonymous) confirmed that. “Everything started with a small kiosk selling coffee and pastries just to get our daily laundry done, but then we started growing bigger and bigger and it turned out to be profitable”. He excused himself and said that he needed to put his laundry into the dryer, but we managed to ask him why they didn’t just buy their own washing machines? “Can you imagine how many 5-shekel coins we have? Do you know how much Leumi bank will charge us to get 200-shekel bills? It’s easier just to use the laundromats!”
Tel Aviv: Battle-scarred and cash-strapped Olim have found an unusual ally in their challenge to master the Hebrew language – budget coffee retailer Cofix. The ‘Starbucks for the Poor’ chain has this week unveiled a new product – HASH – or Hot Alphabet Soup in Hebrew, so that Olim can eat and learn at the same time.
Early signs are promising and threatening to the more traditional routes of learning at one of the city’s many Ulpan language courses.
For a cool five shekels, the hoards of new arrivals can get ahold of a menu designed to help them get past level Aleph before their 60th birthday. The menu boasts the delightful:
1. Mem-estroni, filled with croutons showing the difference between Final Mem and Samech
2. Chicken soup for the Shin
3. C-Lamed Chowder
4. A noodle soup with different noodle lengths to help novices understand Yud (Baby Final Nun), Vav (the middle brother) and Final Nun himself.
“Admittedly, I felt a little sensitive about ordering ‘HASH’ at a coffee shop. This is a liberal city but it ain’t Amsterdam.” said Luton-born Oleh Roy Freeman. “Still, it is a good start. I also bought some falafel in the shape of vowels. This was all really welcome because just last week I asked for a glass of water (Cos Mayim) but instead demanded a Cus Mayim. [This is a family newspaper so the non Hebrew speakers will need to look this one up themselves- the Editors] ….. The waitress was not too horrified.”
Canadian Morty Caplan added: “What a great idea. Easily beats a book for learning. I haven’t learned the letters since my Bar Mitzvah, some 50 years ago, and it showed when I wandered into AM:PM to ask for a punnet of strawberries. While grapes – anavim – is only one letter away from what I asked for – aravim – it was a little embarrassing as apparently Arabs don’t come in punnets. I forgot my receipt in a hurry.”
In response, Ulpan Gordon pushed the boat out and bought a packet of biscuits and some Fuze Tea for their Class Bet.
Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Hamas leadership was forced into a radical strategic rethink on Monday after a coordinated operation saw a Gaza-based squad emerge confused and bewildered from three underground tunnels in the centre of Tel Aviv.
The first of the 72-kilometre tunnels was revealed when three Hamas terrorists smashed through bedrock into the basement of Dizengoff Center. Buried amidst last season’s thongs from Victoria’s Secret, ripped denim shorts from Castro and a Kiddush cup stuffed with Sarah Netanyahu’s tax receipts, one of the baffled terror operatives did manage to crawl through hoards of Eyal Golan CDs and copies of Moshe Katsav’s autobiography. He then made the all-too-common mistake of taking the escalator up to the third floor and emerged immediately back in the basement where yawning security guards were waiting for him.
Police were quick to the scene of the second tunnel, which broke through the cycle lane on the always-busy Rothschild Boulevard. The Al-Jamal brothers from Gaza City were bowled over by three hoverboards, a skateboard, a triple buggy, a unicycle, a dog walker with 15 breeds on one leash and two elderly ladies headed for the opera at Habima. The Al-Jamals are being treated for PTSD and mild head injuries at Ichilov hospital.
And as Tel Aviv continued with its late Spring bustle, a gaping concrete hole appeared underneath local fraudsters Goldman Bank De Binary. With the Waze GPS app pressed to his ear, a bandana-wearing Musharraf Al-Hussein appeared with a pack of worn-down toothpicks as packs of Olim went straight for his pockets, forcing him to buy shares in global corporate stalwart McCoca-Packard.
Local Tel Aviv police spokesperson Avram W. added: “It appears Al Hussein has applied for a commission-only job in Binary while the Dizengoff tunnellers were excited to have been given minimum wage positions as Customer Liaison Officers by Cofix.”
The security breach was reliably reported by the BBC as “Israel illegally detains Palestinian archaeologists”.
A Hamas spokesman added: “Their missions were merely fact-finding intelligence missions. They remain on the payroll and we hope to see them return in time for the gold fountains we are naming after them.”
Tel Aviv, HaKirya: The Israel Defense Force conducted a contentious press conference today, where its spokesperson refused to comment on the empty bag of Bamba snack food and crumpled COFIX Coffee cup found in bushes 50 meters from the site where Samir Kuntar and other Hezbollah-affiliated operatives were fixed up on a blind date with some virgins killed by missiles early this morning. “The IDF has no comment on these so-called snack foods found at the scene of today’s events.”
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Ramat Gan: A Tel Aviv woman was involved in a serious incident today, which could have ended tragically if not for the quick thinking of alert bystanders. Local realtor Sarit F. suffered a crippling panic attack after accidentally wandering out of Tel Aviv city limits and into Ramat Gan. The Daily Freier talked to Sarit as she convalesced at Ichalov Hospital.
The first-responders credited the quick thinking of passersby for ensuring a happy outcome to this story. The Daily Freier spoke to some of these Good Samaritans at the scene. “I saw this woman just freaking out in the middle of the street” noted alert local Ronit S. “I used to live in Tel Aviv, so I know the symptoms of ‘Bubble Withdrawal’. I ran over and gave her some Cofix coffee and then called out for others to help. So a bunch of people ran over and started to walk five-abreast and speaking French while they almost knocked her down. Another woman passing by got her cell phone number and code-called her with an opportunity to invest in FOREX……..Then another guy went and peed on the sidewalk.”
In response to this near tragedy, the Tel Aviv Department of Public Safety issued a bulletin to residents listing warning signs that they may be leaving the city and to turn back immediately:
You see a grocery store that offers a wide variety of foods at reasonable prices
You stop at a coffee shop where the waitstaff view themselves as waitstaff and not as actresses, writers, or “about to launch a start-up”
Somebody is wearing a yarmulke
During work hours people are going to or from work or appear in some other way to be gainfully employed